Army voice mail

[spheroid]

army official voice mail message
‘Thank you for calling the British Army. I’m sorry, but all of our units are out at the moment, or are otherwise engaged. Please leave a message with your country, name of organisation, the region, the specific crisis, and a number at which we can call you. As soon as we have sorted out the Afghanistan, Iraq, Northern Ireland, DII, marching up and down bits of tarmac in London and compulsory Equal Opportunities training, we will return your call.’
‘Please speak after the tone, or if you require more options, please listen to the following numbers:’
‘If your crisis is small, and close to the sea, press 1 for the Royal Marines.’
‘If your concern is distant, with a tropical climate and good hotels, and can be solved by 1 or 2 low risk bombing runs, please press ‘Hash’ for the Royal Air Force. Please note this service is not available after 1630 hrs, or at weekends.’
‘If your enquiry concerns a situation which can be resolved by a bit of grey funnel, bunting, flags and a really good marching band, please write, well in advance, to the First Sea Lord, The Admiralty, Whitehall.’
‘If your enquiry is not urgent, please press 2 for the Allied Rapid Reaction Corps.’
‘If you are in real, hot trouble please press 3, and your call will be routed to Sandline International.’
‘If you are interested in joining the Army and wish to be shouted at, paid little, have premature arthritis, put your wife and family in a condemned hut miles from civilisation, and are prepared to work your ***** off daily, risking your life, in all weathers and terrains, both day and night, whilst watching the Treasury eroding your original terms and conditions of service, then please stay on the line. Your call will shortly be connected to a bitter passed-over Recruiting Sergeant in a grotty shop down by the railway station.’
‘Have a pleasant day, and thank you again for trying to contact the British Army.’

[StopStart]

I'm pretty sure there was a copy of that found tucked inside the Dead Sea Scrolls.... :hmm:

[airborne_artist]

I heard it was inscribed on the back of the two tablets Moses brought down from Mt Sinai?

[Airborne Aircrew]

I heard it was inscribed on the back of the two tablets Moses brought down from Mt Sinai?Utter rubbish... Back then we worked till 1700 except on Fridays which was 1645 ...:}

[holbrob]

Military Anti-Snake Techniques

1. Infantry: Tracks snake through jungle. Snake smells them and quickly leaves area, travelling upwind.

2. Parachute Regiment: Lands on and kills snake.

3. Armour: Runs over snake, laughs and looks for more snakes.

4. Cavalry: Treats snake with haughty disdain as having no impact on primary objective - to hold London against Roundheads at all costs.

5. Royal Marine Commando: Plays with snake, gets drunk with snake, gets naked with snake. Eats snake.

6. Combat Engineer: Studies snake. Prepares tactical plan for fixing snake using counter-mobility assets and defeating snake using mobility assets. Chain of command pays no attention. Snake falls into hole dug by infantry and drowns.

7. Artillery: Fires 3 hour concentrated barrage. Misses snake. Tree blown up by stray round falls on snake and kills it. Mission declared successful and all participants awarded gallantry medals.

8. Special Forces: Makes contact with snake and, ignoring Foreign Office directives, builds rapport with snake and starts winning its heart and mind. Trains it to kill other snakes. Files massive expenses claim. Writes best seller “Python Two Zero”.

9. Army Medical Services: Snake dies by mistake on operating table. Dissects snake.

10. Royal Navy: Fires 183 missiles from 17 ships. Estimates 60% of snake killed. Makes PowerPoint presentation to MoD Select Committee on how Naval forces are the most cost effective means of conducting anti-snake operations.

11. RAF: Obtains geo-co-ordinates for snake. Alerts 40 Tornados, 20 Harriers & RAF Regiment. Loads laser guided bombs by mistake. Flies in at 20,000 feet. Can’t find snake. Drops bombs in sea on way home. Returns to base for crew rest, dry cleaning collection, facial and manicure.

12. Intelligence Corps: Snake? What snake? Only 4 of 35 indicators of snake activity currently active. Assesses potential for snake activity as low. Dies of snake-bite.

13. Defence Logistic Organisation: Orders 2 year study by Anderson Consultants at a cost of £1.5 million, generating massive workload at grade 1 staff level. Report finds that killing snake may contribute to 20% output costing savings by inclusion of snake meat in Tri-Service messing. Snake Meat Implementation Team formed, with 2-Star Tri-Service steering group. Aim to introduce snake meat into all messes and ration packs by 2006. Snake experts from Special Forces and Ghurkhas do not know what they are talking about. High profile £2 million PR campaign launched featuring celebrity chef Ainsley Harriott and retired 4-star officers keen to supplement their excessive pensions. Snake meat launched in Service messes and restaurants to resounding clamour of apathy. Desperate to recoup lost money, Army demolishes 300 married quarters and sells snake meat holdings to Indian and Canadian Armed Forces.

14. Defence Procurement Agency: Decide they want to buy a Snake. Offer ambiguous contract out for tender. Contract states that an eel will be supplied as Government Furnished Equipment and must be modified to meet the performance characteristics of a snake as laid out in the aforementioned ambiguous contract. 6 years late and 3 billion pounds over budget, the project is scrapped and a COTS snake is bought from the USA for $10 billion.

15. Royal Signals: Using clever EW techniques, Signaller DF’s snake then sterilises snake with huge burst of RF radiation. Whilst snake is stunned, Signaller drops heavy Ptarmigan SHF set on snake… killing it. Rejoices in the fact that there is a use for Ptarmigan.

16. Adjutant General: Determines that the snake is not black, female, homosexual or disabled. Loses interest.

17. Air Training Corps: Kills snake by accident on weekend camp. Keeps quiet about it.

[A and C]

Keep going guys, you have brightend up a very dull morning !!!!!

[TurbineTooHot]

I may have just laughed my testies clean off.

:D:D

[Sgt.Slabber]

‘The number you have dialled has not been recognised. Please try again.’

[Biggles225]

Then there's "Please stay on the line the person you are calling knows you are waiting" Almost as bad as 'Your call is important to us!' If it was they'd get more than 2 people on the phones! :confused:

[minigundiplomat]

Welcome to the JPAC advice line.

Press 1 for advice regarding incorrectly paid pensions.

Press 2 for medal advice, including inquiries regarding citation investigations.

Press 3 for expense inquiries. Please note, this option is not available for JHC personnel.

Press 4 for posting advice, including advice on short notice postings, incorrect payment of disturbance allowance and incorrect housing charges.

Press 5 for termination advice. Due to manpower shortages, this option is only available between 0800 -0805.

Press 6 for pay advice, including incorrect payment, underpayments, overpayments and non-payment of additional pay.

Press 7 for SJAR advice, including why no training was ever given.

Press 8 for technical support, including queries as to why the system is so slow and of such poor quality.

Press 9 for complaints. Please note due to the current high volume of calls, current waiting times for this service stand at 63 days.

Press 0 for advice on stress management for those having used our system.

Please make your selection now......

[TMJ]

If you tell the Navy to secure a building, they will turn out the lights and lock the door.

If you tell the Army to secure a building, they will occupy it and forbid entry to those without a pass.

If you tell the Marines to secure a building, they assault with heavy fire, capture the building, fortify it and call for an air strike.

If you tell the Air Force to secure a building, they will negotiate a three year lease with an option to buy . . .