Those blasted moderators are at it again...!!

[remoak]

So have you noticed that whenever a thread descends (climbs, in some cases) into a good-natured Aussie-Kiwi slagging contest, the thread gets locked by the Australian moderators?

Are our moderators incredibly sensitive souls, xenophobic, or simply lacking in any discernable sense of humour? Or just Australian?

I mean is it really so bad? I bit of fun amongst all the airline bashing and other trivia?

Ah well, maybe we can have a bit of fun guessing how many posts this thread attracts before the big bad padlock appears. I'm guessing three...

[tea & bikkies]

Sounds like a good thread to get y:bored:urself banned.

Here is post number three... still going:confused:

[DeathStar-Alpha]

What do you do if an aussie throws a pin at you???...

....RUN! hes got a grenade in his mouth.



post number 4, we've exceeded our expectations :}

[RENURPP]

We had better make this one the last post, you Kiwi's may have trouble counting past 5.

[Teal]

NZ Earthquake
A major earthquake, measuring 9.1 on the Richter scale has hit New Zealand this morning. The country is devastated with 350,000 New Zealanders missing, and over 100,000 injured.
The country is totally ruined and the government is so overwhelmed that it has issued a worldwide appeal for assistance. Other nations have been quick to respond to the disaster.
Britain is flying in rescue workers and sniffer dogs to help locate trapped victims.
The USA is flying in food supplies and aid money.
France is flying in doctors, nurses and first aid units.
Japan is flying in high tech communications equipment.
Germany is flying in special trained police squads to help restore order.
Russia is flying in tents and warm clothing.
Australia is flying in 350,000 replacement Kiwis.......

[capt.cynical]

Nah---just returning said No. of sheep shagging dole bludgers :}:p

[j3pipercub]

How do Kiwis prictice safe sux? They mark an X on the ones that kick...8 and counting, the end is nigh, I'll give it till 11 posts :)

j3

[Counter-rotation]

Just remember all you folk with the velcro gloves and gumboots -

BAAAAAAAHHHHH!! means NO!!!

:p

CR.

[Skystar320]

I'm beached as bro... anyone got a bucket? I need one ASAP

[for those who dont know what I am talking about search beached whale in youtube... its a pisslaugh]

[Skystar320]

Q What do you call a kiwi farmer with a sheep under one arm, and a chicken under the other?
A Bi-sexual

Q: How can you tell if a Kiwi has been in your fridge?
A: The lamb roast has a hickie...

[remoak]

See? And I thought our beloved mods would have lowered the boom by now. I mean, poster number two told me to p**s - p*s* - errr, go away, and he didn't even get banned! Perhaps there is a sense of humour in the West Island after all...!

Having said that, any one who uses the earthquake joke should be banned for at least a week. That one's been done to death.

Keep it coming guys, let's show the grumpy old mods that Kiwis and Aussies (and other Pacific people) can get together over a virtual beer or two and enjoy a good joke. Fist fights optional of course. And don't (virtually) drink and then (virtually) drive! :ok:

Edit: padlock estimate now upgraded to 20 posts. Unless someone mentions PNG, in which case it will go to 100,000+ posts... ;)

[The Green Goblin]

A Kiwi walks into the local unemployment office, marches straight up to the counter and says, "Hi! I hate being on welfare, I'd really rather have a job."

The clerk behind the Centrelink desk says, "Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur/bodyguard for his nymphomaniac daughter. You'll have to drive around in his Mercedes, but he'll supply all of your clothes.

Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll be expected to escort her on her overseas holiday trips. You'll have a two-bedroom apartment above the garage.

The starting salary is $200,000 a year".

The Kiwi says, "You're bull****ting me!"

The Centrelink officer says, "Yeah, well, you started it".

[The Green Goblin]

Why can't Kiwi blokes take their girlfriends to the Rugby?

They eat all the grass. :}

Three Kiwis and three Aussies are travelling by train to a rugby game. At the station, the three Kiwis each buy a ticket and watch with bewilderment as the three Aussiesbuy only a single ticket between them.

"How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asks a Kiwi.

"Watch and you’ll see", answers the Aussie.

They all board the train. The Kiwis take their respective seats but all three Aussies cram into a bathroom and close the door behind them. Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the bathroom door and says, "Ticket please". The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on.

The Kiwis see this and agree it was quite a clever plan. So after the game, the Kiwis decide to copy the Aussies on the return trip and save some money, (being clever with money and all that).

When they get to the station, they buy a single ticket for their return trip. To their astonishment, the Aussies don’t buy a ticket at all. "How are you going to travel ‘without’ a ticket?" asks one perplexed Kiwi. "Watch and you’ll see", answers a Aussie. When they board the train, the three Kiwis cram into a bathroom and the Aussies cram into another nearby. The train departs. Shortly afterwards, one of the Aussies leaves and walks over to the bathroom where the Kiwis are hiding.

He knocks on the door and says, "Tickets please"!!!!!

[Skystar320]

Bump...

Is NZ still outnumbered 4 - 1 ratio sheep to humans?

[tea & bikkies]

Aussie bloke walks around the back of shearing shed and finds a kiwi with a sheep.

He shouts "Hey you, you're supposed to be shearing that sheep!"

Kiwi replies "I'm not shearing her with anyone, shes mine."

[troppo]

All a bit one sided here.

How can you tell if an Australian girl is a virgin or not?

See if she can run faster than her brother.

[Skystar320]

troppo, not fully understanding that

[mdt001]

An aircraft full of Australian men and one woman forcelanded onto a desert island.

After a week the woman was so ashamed of what she was doing she shot herself.

After another week the Australians were so ashamed of what they were doing they buried her.


After another week the Australians were so ashamed of what they were doing they dug her up again.

;)

[Teal]

New Zealand....living proof that Tasmanians can swim...:}

[remoak]

Hey Owen Stanley, no worries, didn't take it personally. In fact I laughed so hard I sprayed coffee all over my keyboard... :eek:

So anyway...

What do you call a thousand Australians at the bottom of the sea?

A good start... :E

[DeathStar-Alpha]

I can't believe we've made it this far!

I give it till 1200Z...

translation for the aussies "eye geeev eeet teeel tweeelve zewlew maayt"

[The Green Goblin]

Now where was that article about Neanderthal man speaking how modern day Kiwis do - wuth a lusp :}

[Skystar320]

BBBBBbbbbbbbbbbeeeeeeeeeeeeeeach as Bbbbbbbbbbbbroooooooooooo

[trashie]

An Australian, a Kiwi and South African are in a bar one night having a beer.

All of a sudden the South African drinks his beer, throws his glass in the air, pulls out a gun and shoots the glass to pieces.

In Seth Efrika our glasses are so cheap that we don't need to drink from the same one twice,' he says.

The Kiwi, obviously impressed by this, drinks his beer, throws his glass into the air, pulls out his gun and shoots the glass to pieces.

'Wull mate, in Noo Zulland we have so much sand to make the glasses that we don't need to drink out of the same glass either,' he says.

The Australian, cool as a Koala, picks up his beer and drinks it, throws his glass in the air, pulls out his gun and shoots the South African and the Kiwi.


He turns to the astonished barman and says, 'In Strailya mate, we have so many bloody South Africans and Kiwis that we don't need to drink with the same ones twice.

[Marauder]

Q What is the difference in the price of lamb in Australia and New Zealand










:D

A In Australia it’s around $20-$30 a kilo

In New Zud it’s around $20-$30 an hour

[troppo]

No shame in paying for it by the hour...after all we export our best lamb to aussie after its been tenderised and marinated by the best and you get the priviledge of paying for it by the kilo.

[benharris10]

Q : How does a New Zealander find a Sheep in the Grass??

A : Quite Pleasant.



One Kiwi says to another " Hey Bro, Whats a Hindu" the second kiwi replies " Lays Eggs Bro"

:ok:

[Skystar320]

talking about muttun troppo?

[Teal]

Q: What do you call a Kiwi wearing a suit and tie?

A: The defendant (or dufundant...).:suspect:

There's a Kiwi rugby fan, an Australian rugby fan and a beautiful woman sitting next to each other on a train.
The train enters a tunnel and everything gets dark. Suddenly there is a kissing sound and then a slap! The woman and the Kiwi are sitting there looking perplexed. The Kiwi is bent over holding his face which is red from an apparent slap.
The Kiwi is thinking, "That Australian must have tried to kiss this lady, she thought it was me and slapped me."
The lady was thinking, "That Kiwi must have moved to kiss me and kissed the Australian instead and got slapped."
The Australian was thinking to himself.... "If this train goes through another tunnel, I could make another kissing sound and slap that ****ing Kiwi in the head again."

[troppo]

Bro walkin down the street with one flip flop/thong/jandal. See's his neighbour who says 'you lose a jandal bro?' Bro 1 says nah I found one aye.

Fijian goes to the cross and tells the girl he wants to do it fijian style. At the end she asks what fijian style is and he says 'can I pay you later?'
.

[coconut99]

Three 'South Aucklanders' are in a holden. Who's driving?








The police :yuk:

[kwachon]

NZ ATC to inbound Qantas 744, "What is your height and position?"

5 foot 9 and sitting at the front of the plane came the reply......

[TwoTango]

Three Kiwis and three Aussies are travelling by train to a rugby game.

Funny, the last time I heard that the Kiwis and the Aussies occupied opposite roles in the story...

Here's a good one I heard a while ago:

A Kiwi and an Aussie are in a farm paddock. They come across a sheep caught in the fence. The Kiwi pushes the Aussie aside, saying "I've got first short at this one bro", and has his way with the sheep. After he's done, the Kiwi turns around and says to the Aussie "ok, your turn now bro". The Aussie looks confused for a moment, then pulls his pants down and bends over in front of the Kiwi.

TT

[remoak]

Awww, youse guys are making me proud... funny though how all the jokes are turning up with the countries of origin reversed.

Anyway...

What is the difference between an Aussie and a flounder?











One is a scum-sucking bottom dweller, and the other one is a fish... :E

[LocoDriver]

Crikey, Lotsa good laughs in this thread!

How do you know if youv'e been burgled by an Auzzie??

Easy, your thongs are missing, and the cats been raped.

:E:E:E

[Joker 10]

Unzed Judge to prostitute, when did you determine you had been raped ?/

Prostitute, when the cheque bounced your honour !

[troppo]

What's the one about that aussie airline that the kiwis are blamed for?

[Skystar320]

Another thing NZ kiwi's cant run airlines that are bigger than them.... Ansett

[Teal]

10 Reasons to live in Auckland ....

1. Satan worshipping residents of Auckland are spared unnecessary anguish and discomfort when they die because the transition to hell is hardly noticeable.
2. Auckland has fewer syllables than Wellington so that Aucklanders can spell it.
3. People who can't get in to Wellington have to have somewhere to live.
4. Economies of scale dictate that it is economically optimal for all pretentious posers with annoying inflections and stupid haircuts to be in the same place.
5. Auckland has such a wide variety of social, economic and cultural groupings that you can blend in no matter what kind of misfit you are.
6. Aucklanders do lots of quaint self affirming things like calling their league team the "Warriors" and giving their otherwise staid lives a hint of danger by referring to Mt Eden, Mt Wellington, and Rangitoto as "volcanoes" even though they have been extinct for 3 million years.
7. Auckland is vital to New Zealand's defence against alien invasion. Invading space monsters will go straight to our largest urban centre thinking it is actually important in some way.
8. People form Kaitaia need somewhere to go for petrol on their way to Wellington.
9. Aucklanders have recovered from their feelings of phallic inadequacy by erecting a 40 storey pole with a knob on top in the middle of the city.
10. Auckland fulfils an important role in Maori mythology. Maori legend has it that the North Island is the fish of Maui. Wellington is the head and mouth of Maui's fish, New Plymouth and Gisborne are its fins and Auckland is its arsehole.

[tea & bikkies]

The sheep are telling their side of the story....

YouTube - Dirty Deeds Done With Sheep (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oCRE9qOgbug)

One for all you AC/DC fans lol:E