View Full Version : March Friday Joke Thread
6th Mar 2009, 14:31
Wot no thread for March yet? Here goes and a flying related topic at that...
Two Irish hunters chartered a plane to fly them to Canada, to hunt moose, and they managed to bag six.
As they were loading the plane to return, the pilot said the plane could take only four moose.
The two lads objected strongly. “Last year we shot six. The pilot let us take them all, and he had the same plane as yours.”
Reluctantly, the pilot gave in and all six were loaded.
However, even on full power, the little plane couldn't handle the load and went down.
Somehow, surrounded by the moose bodies, Paddy and Mick survived the crash.
After climbing out of the wreckage, Paddy asked Mick, “Any idea where we are?”
Mick replied, “I think we're pretty close to where we crashed last year.”
A guy is sitting in the bar in departures at a busy airport. A beautiful woman walks in and sits down at the table next to him. He decides because she's got a uniform on, she's probably an off-duty flight attendant.
So he decides to have a go at picking her up by identifying the airline she flies for, thereby impressing her greatly.
He leans across to her and says the Delta Airlines motto 'We love to fly and it shows'.
The woman looks at him blankly. He sits back and thinks up another line.
He leans forward again and delivers the Air France motto 'Winning the hearts of the world'.
Again she just stares at him with a slightly puzzled look on her face.
Undeterred, he tries again, this time saying the Malaysian Airlines motto 'Going beyond expectations'.
The woman looks at him sternly and says 'Listen mate. I don't know who you are or what you f**ing want, but will you please just f**king F**K OFF?'
'Ah!' he says, 'Ryanair'.
6th Mar 2009, 15:52
A woman wrote into WOGAN SAYING SHE THOUGHT SHE HEARD THE BeeGees in her fridge, but it wss just the " Chive's talkin' "
6th Mar 2009, 16:26
Three sisters, Ann, Jan and Fanny all have very big feet, Ann size 9, Jan size 10 and Fanny size 11.
Ann and Jan go out on a double date and during the evening one of the lads they are with says 'my god, you both have very big feet.'
Ann and Jan both giggle and Ann says 'That's nothing, you should see the size of our Fannys.'
An old man entered the Confessional Box.
‘How can I help you my son’ asked the priest.
Well, Father, at the beginning of World War Two, a beautiful woman knocked on my door and asked me to hide her from the Germans; I hid her in my attic, and they didn't find her.'
'That's a wonderful thing, my son, and nothing that you need to confess,' said the priest.
'It's worse, Father; I was weak, and told her that she had to pay for rent of the attic with her sexual favors,' continued the old man.
'Well, they were difficult times, and you took a large risk - you would have suffered terribly at their hands if the Germans had found you hiding her; I know that God, in his wisdom and mercy, will balance the good and the evil, and judge you kindly,' said the priest.
'Thanks, Father,' said the old man. 'That's a load off of my mind. Can I ask another question?'
'Of course, my son,' said the priest.
The old man asks, 'Do I need to tell her that the war is over?'
Mildred, 93, was despondent over the recent death of her husband Earl, so she decided to just kill herself and join him in heaven.
Thinking it would be best to get it over with quickly, she took out Earl's old Army pistol and made the decision to shoot herself in the heart since it was so badly broken in the first place.
Not wanting to miss the vital organ and become a vegetable and a burden to someone, she called her doctor's office to learn her heart's exact location.
'Since you're a woman,' the doctor said, 'your heart is just below your left breast. Why do you ask?'
She hung up without answering.
Later that night, Mildred was admitted to the hospital with a gunshot wound to her knee.
There are two statues in a park; one of a nude man and one of a nude woman. They had been facing each other across a pathway for a hundred years, when one day an angel comes down from the sky and, with a single gesture, brings the two of them to life.
The angel tells them, 'As a reward for being so patient through a hundred blazing summers and dismal winters, you have been given life for thirty minutes to do what you've wished to do the most.'
He looks at her, she looks at him, and they go running behind the shrubbery.
The angel waits patiently as the bushes rustle and giggling ensues.
After fifteen minutes, the two return, out of breath and laughing.
The angel tells them, 'Um, you have fifteen minutes left, would you care to do it again?'
He asks her 'Shall we?'
She eagerly replies, 'Oh, yes, let's! but let's change positions. This time,
I'll hold the pigeon down and you crap on its head.'
Two drunks sitting on a park bench, sharing a bottle. A truck goes past, loaded with rolls of turf. One of the drunks says "That’s what I'm going to do when I'm rich!". 'What’s that?' "Send my lawn out to be mown!"
A bloke looses an ear in a car crash. He wakes up after surgery and the Doctor tells him that they have run out of human ears to transplant but not to worry he has sown on a pigs ear.
The bloke is sent home and told to return in a month.
He does that and the Dr. asks how his new ear is. Great says the bloke, I can hear fine but every now and then I get a bit of crackling.
Mother Superior called all the nuns together and said to them,
'I must tell you all something. We have a case of gonorrhea in the convent.'
'Thank God,' said an elderly nun at the back. 'I'm so tired of chardonay.
Two nuns are ordered to paint a room in the convent, and the last instruction of the Mother Superior is that they must not get even one drop of paint on their habits. After conferring about this for a while, the two nuns decide to lock the door of the room, strip off their habits, and paint in the nude. In the middle of the project, there comes a knock at the door. "Who is it?" calls one of the nuns. "Blind man," replies a voice from the other side of the door. The two nuns look at each other and shrug and deciding that no harm can come from letting a blind man into the room, they open the door.
"Nice t*ts," says the man, "where do you want the blinds hung ?"
A duck hunter was out enjoying a nice morning on the marsh when he decided to take a leak.... He walked over to a tree and propped up his
gun. Just then a gust of wind blew, the gun fell over, and discharged...shooting him in the genitals.
Several hours later, lying in a hospital bed he was approached by his doctor.
"Well sir, I have some good news and some bad news. The good news is that you are going to be OK, the damage was local to your groin, there was very little internal damage, and we were able to remove all of the buck shot. The bad news is that there was some pretty extensive damage done to your penis. I'm going to have to refer you to my brother."
"Oh, well I guess that isn't too bad," the man replied "is your brother a plastic surgeon?"
"Not exactly," answered the doctor. "He's a flute player in the local symphony....He's going to teach you where to put your fingers so you don't pee in your eye"
6th Mar 2009, 19:19
I met a 14 year old girl on the internet. She was clever, funny, flirty and sexy, so I suggested we meet up. She turned out to be an undercover detective.
How cool is that at her age?!
I went to see the nurse this morning for my annual check-up. She said I had to stop w*****
When I asked why she said, "Because I'm trying to examine you!"
I just saw that Harry Potter film. A bit unrealistic if you ask me. I mean, a ginger kid, with two friends?
A family is driving behind a garbage truck when a dildo flies out and thumps against the windscreen. Embarrassed, and to spare her young son's innocence, the mother turns around and says, "Don't worry; that was an insect."
To which, her son replies, "I'm surprised it could get off the ground with a dick like that."
I had a mate who was suicidal. He was really depressed, so I pushed him in front of a steam train.
He was chuffed to bits.
When I got divorced, my wife said she would fight for custody of the kids.
Took her out with one punch.
My granddad gave me some sound advice on his deathbed.
"It's worth spending money on good speakers," he told me.
A woman brings eight-year-old Johnny home and tells his mother that he was caught playing doctors and nurses with Mary, her eight-year-old daughter.
Johnny's mother says, "Let's not be too harsh on them.... they are bound to be curious about sex at that age."
"Curious about sex?" replies Mary's mother. "He's taken her appendix out!"
I was walking in a cemetery this morning and seen a bloke hiding behind a gravestone. I said "morning."
He replied, "No, just having a sh!t."
Disabled toilets. Ironically, the only toilets big enough to run around in.
I was reading in the paper today about this dwarf that got pick pocketed.
How could anyone stoop so low?
I was walking down the road when I saw an Afghan bloke standing on a fifth floor balcony shaking a carpet.
I shouted up to him, "What's up Abdul, won't it start?"
6th Mar 2009, 19:35
An Australian, an Irishman and a Scouser are in a bar.
They're staring at another man sitting on his own at a table in the corner. He's so familiar, and not recognising him is driving them mad.
They stare and stare, until suddenly the Irishman twigs: "My God, it's Jesus!" Sure enough, it is Jesus, nursing a pint.
Thrilled, they send him over a pint of Guinness, a pint of Fosters and a pint of bitter. Jesus accepts the drinks, smiles over at the three men, and drinks the pints slowly, one after another. After he's finished the drinks, Jesus approaches the trio.
He reaches for the hand of the Irishman and shakes it, thanking him for the Guinness. When he lets go, the Irishman gives a cry of amazement: "My God! The arthritis I've had for 30 years is gone. It's a miracle!"
Jesus then shakes the Aussie's hand, thanking him for the lager. As he lets go, the man's eyes widen in shock. "Strewth mate, the bad back I've had all my life is completely gone! It's a miracle."
The Scouser runs away screaming f*ck off I'm on benefits!
7th Mar 2009, 11:39
John Bradford, a Dublin University student, was on the side of the road
hitchhiking on a very dark night and in the midst of a storm.
The night was rolling on and no car went by. The storm was so strong he
could hardly see a few feet ahead of him. Suddenly, he saw a car slowly coming towards him and stopped.
John, desperate for shelter and without thinking about it, got into the car and closed the door. only to realize there was nobody behind thewheel and the engine wasn't on!!
The car started moving slowly. John looked at the road ahead and saw a curve approaching. Scared, he started to pray, begging for his life.
Then a hand came in through the windowand turned the wheel.
John, paralyzed with terror, watched as the hand repeatedly came through the window, but never touched or harmed him..
Shortly thereafter John saw the lights of a pub appear down the road, so,
gathering strength, he jumped out of the car and ran to it.
Wet and out of breath, he rushed inside and started telling everybody about the horrible experience he had just had.
A silence enveloped the pub when everybody realized he was crying
Suddenly, the door opened, and two other people walked in from the stormy night.
They, like John, were also soaked and out of breath..
Looking around, and seeing John Bradford sobbing at the bar, one said to
Look Paddy...there's that f....ing idiot that got in the car while we were
7th Mar 2009, 18:21
When Jade Goody dies, it's her wish to be cremated and she's asked the funeral directors to place her ashes into 300 velvet pouches.
That way every mourner who attends the wake can have a Goody Bag.
A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and make love for the first time.
Well, the boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms. He tells the pharmacist it’s his first time and the pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour.
He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex.
At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he’d like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.
That night, the boy shows up at the girl’s parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door. “Oh, I’m so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!”
The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl’s parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head.
A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down.
10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy.
Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, “I had no idea you were this religious.”
The boy turns, and whispers back, “I had no idea your father was a pharmacist.”
Little Zachary was doing very badly in math.
His parents had tried everything... Tutors, mentors, flash cards, special learning centers.
In short, everything they could think of to help his math.
Finally, in a last ditch effort, they took Zachary down and enrolled him in the local Catholic school. After the first day, little Zachary came home with a very serious look on his face. He didn't even kiss his mother Hello.
Instead, he went straight to his room and started studying. Books and papers were spread out all over the room and little Zachary was hard at work.
His mother was amazed. She called him down to dinner.
To her shock, the minute he was done, he marched back to his room without a word, and in no time, he was back hitting the books as hard as before. This went on for some time, day after day, while the mother tried to understand what made all the difference.
Finally, little Zachary brought home his report card. He quietly laid it on the table, went up to his room and hit the books. With great trepidation, his Mom looked at it and to her great surprise, little Zachary got an "A" in math. She could no longer hold her curiosity.
She went to his room and said, "Son, what was it? Was it the nuns?"
Little Zachary looked at her and shook his head, no.
"Well, then," she replied, Was it the books, the discipline, the structure, the uniforms? "WHAT WAS IT ALREADY?"
Little Zachary looked at her and said, "Well, on the first day of school when I saw that guy nailed to the plus sign, I knew they weren't fooling around."
One day Bill complained to his friend that his elbow really hurt.
"Why don't you go to the drug store?" His friend suggested. "There's a computer there that can diagnose anything quicker and cheaper than a doctor! You just put in a sample of your urine and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about it. It only costs $10."
Bill was intrigued, so he filled a jar with a urine sample and went to the drug store. Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited the $10. The computer started making some noise and various lights started flashing. After a brief pause out popped a small slip of paper on which was printed: "You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water. Avoid heavy lifting. It will be better in two weeks." Bill was amazed.
Later that evening Bill was still thinking about how amazing this new technology was and how it would change medical science forever. Then he began to wonder if this machine, being JUST a machine, could be incorrect about a diagnosis, or even fooled.
To test it, he mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and then to top it off, he masturbated into the concoction. He went back to the drug store, located the machine, poured in the sample and deposited the $10. The computer again made the usual noise and printed out the following message:
"Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. Your dog has worms. Get him vitamins. Your daughter is using cocaine. Put her in a rehabilitation clinic. Your wife is pregnant with twin girls. They are not yours. Get a lawyer. And if you don't stop j...king off, your tennis elbow will never get better."
There was a blonde driving down the road one day. She pulled up to a stoplight and glanced to her right, noticing another blonde sitting in the middle of a nearby field, rowing a boat furiously with not a drop of water in sight.
The blonde pulled her car over and got out. Slamming the door angrily she yelled across the field at the rowing blonde, “What do you think you're doing? It's things like this that give us blondes a bad name. If I could swim, I'd come out there and kick your ass!”
The Montana State Department of Fish & Wildlife is advising golfers to take extra precautions and be on the alert for bears while in the Gallatin, Helena & Lewis & Clark National Forests golf courses.
They advise golfers to wear noise-producing devices such as little bells on their clothing to alert but not startle the bears unexpectedly. They also advise you to carry pepper spray in case of an encounter with a bear.
It is also a good idea to watch for signs of bear activity. Golfers should be able to recognize the difference between black bear and grizzly bear droppings on the golf course. Black bear droppings are smaller and contain berries and possibly squirrel fur. Grizzly droppings have bells in them and smell like pepper spray.
A little old lady answered a knock on the door one day, only to be confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner.
"Good morning, " said the young man. "If I could take a couple of minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners"
"Go away!" said the old lady. "I haven't got any money! I'm BROKE!"and she proceeded to close the door.
Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed wide open.
Don't be too hasty!" he said. "Not until you have at least seen my demonstration."
And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure onto her hallway carpet.
"If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse manure from your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat the remainder."
The old lady stepped back and said, "Well I hope you've got a damned good appetite, because they cut off my electricity this morning."
A man and his wife are awakened at 3 o'clock in the morning by a loud pounding on the door.......
The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.
"Not a chance," says the husband, "It is three o'clock in the morning."
He slams the door and returns to bed.
"Who was that?" asked his wife.
"Just some drunken guy asking for a push" he answers
"Did you help him?"she asked.
"No. I did not. It is three o'clock in the morning and it is pouring rain outside!"
His wife said, "Can't you remember about three months ago when we brokedown and those two guys helped us? I thinkyou should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!"
The man does as he is told (of course), gets dressed and goes out into thepouring rain.
He calls out into the dark, "Hello? Are you still there?"
"Yes" comes back the answer.
"Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband.
"Yes Please!" comes the reply from the darkness.
"Where are you?" asks the husband.
"Over here on the swing!!" replies the drunk
An American businessman is on a business trip in Japan and hires a hooker. The whole night, this Japanese hooker keeps screaming: "Hoshimota! Hoshimota!"
He can't quite remember what the word means, but he's sure he's pleased the hooker to the best of his ability. The next morning, he goes to play a game of golf with his Japanese business partner when he makes a hole-in-one. Everyone is congratulating him in Japanese and he can't think anything to say but "HOSHIMOTA!"
Concerned, his partner turns to him: "What do you mean it's in the wrong hole?"
An 85 year old man visits his doctor to get a sperm count. The geezer's given a jar and told to bring back a sample. The next day he returns to the doctor with an empty jar.
"What happened?" says the doctor.
"Well," the old man starts, "I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then her left -- nothing. Then she tried with her mouth, first with her teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing. We even called Evelyn, the lady next door, but still nothing."
The doctor bursts out, "You asked your neighbor?"
"Yep, No matter what we tried we couldn't get that damn jar open."
8th Mar 2009, 07:48
Bob moved in with his girlfriend and her enormous collection of old magazines. They took up an entire room. "It's me or the magazines," Bob insisted. When she refused to part with any of them, Bob left. As he told his friends, she just had too many issues.
8th Mar 2009, 09:49
Yes I know its Sunday but I have not posted a joke for a while:
A little old lady walked into the main London branch of Barclays Bank clutching a large paper bag. She told the young man at the window that she wished open an account with the bank with a £3 million deposit. But first, she said that she wished to meet the Chairman due to the rather large amount of money involved. After looking into the bag and seeing bundles of £100 notes which could have amounted to £3 million, he called the Chairman's office and arranged the meeting.
The lady was ushered into the Chairman's office and introductions made. The old lady explained that she liked to know the people that she did business with on a personal level. The Chairman asked her how she came to have such a large amount of cash. "Was it inheritance?" he asked.
"No," she replied. He was quiet for a minute trying to think where she could have come into £3 million.
"I bet" she stated.
"You bet!" repeated the Chairman. "As in horses?"
"No," she replied, "I bet on people."
Seeing his confusion, she explained that she just bets different things with people. All of the sudden she said, "I bet you £25,000 that by 10:00 am tomorrow your b*lls will be square".
The bank's Chairman figured that she must be off of her rocker and decided to take her up on the bet. He didn't see how he could lose. For the rest of the day he was very careful. He decided to stay home that evening and take no chances - there was £25,000 at stake.
Next morning and took his shower made certain that everything was anatomically as it should be. He went to his office and waited for the little old lady to arrive, humming on the way. After all, this was the day he stood to make £25,000 for doing nothing?
At 10:00 am sharp, the little old lady was escorted into his office. With her was a younger man who she introduced as her solicitor. Evidently she always brought him along when there was such a large amount of money involved.
"Well", she asked, "what about our bet?"
"I don't know how to tell you this", he replied, "but I'm the same as I always have been, only £25,000 richer". The lady seemed to accept this, but requested that she be able to see for herself. The Chairman thought that this was reasonable and dropped his trousers. She reached out and grabbed his b*lls and, sure enough, they were not square.
The Chairman looked up and saw her solicitor banging his head against the wall.
"What's up with him?" the Chairman asked.
"Oh him," she replied, "I bet him £100,000.00 that by 10:00 this morning that I would have the Chairman of Barclays Bank by the b*lls!"
Schumi - Red Baron
8th Mar 2009, 10:05
Ah, yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man`s genitals through his wallet. ~Robin Williams
Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place. ~Billy Crystal
You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you a look that says, "My God, you`re right! I never would`ve thought of that!" ~Dave Barry
According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women. They say that women are too judgmental, where, of course, men are just grateful. ~Jay Leno
We have women in the military, but they don`t know if we can fight, if we can kill. I think we can. All the general has to do is walk over to the women and say, "You see the enemy over there? They say you look fat in those uniforms." ~Elayne Boosler
There`s a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe swelling. So what`s the problem? ~Jay Leno
There`s very little advice in men`s magazines, because men don`t think there`s a lot they don`t know. Women do. Women want to learn. Men think, "I know what I`m doing, just show me somebody naked." ~Jerry Seinfield
The problem with the designated driver program, it`s not a desirable job. But if you ever get sucked into doing it, have fun with it. At the end of night, drop them off at the wrong house. ~Jeff Foxworthy
See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time. ~Robin Williams
8th Mar 2009, 10:25
When the Sheiks' oil fields dried up, he realized he would have to cut back on expenses quickly. As much as he hated to, he knew he would have to give-up most of his harem. He decided to find out which ones performed best in all aspects of sex and retain just those few.
Night after night the "contest" was held. Then one of the younger girls performed such outstanding oral sex on him, he knew she was one of the chosen. "Tell me," he said, "what is the secret of your fabulous technique."
"What I did, Oh Sovereign of the Sands, was to suck on ice cubes prior to our session." replied the girl. "You see, my Mother told me that in most cases, the cooler head always prevails."
8th Mar 2009, 12:00
A German guy approaches a lady of the night and says, 'I vish to buy sex viz you.'
'OK,' says the girl, 'My charge is $100 for half an hour.'
'..ist goot, but I must varn you, I am a little kinky.'
'No problem,' she replies cautiously, 'I can do a little kinky.'
So, off they go to the girl's flat, where the German produces four large bedsprings and a duck caller.
'I vant zat you tie ze springs to each of your hans und knees.'
The girl finds this most odd, but complies, fastening the springs as he had said, to her hands and knees.
'Now you vill get on your hans und knees.'
She duly does this, balancing precariously on the springs.
'You vill please to blow zis kwacker as I make love to you.'
She finds it odd, but figures it's harmless (and the guy is paying). She finds the sex is fantastic, as the energetic German bounces her all over the room, all the time honking on the duck caller.
The climax is the most sensational that she has ever experienced and it is several minutes before she has enough breath to say, 'That was totally amazing, what do you call that position?'
'Ah,' says the German, 'zat is ze.............. Four-sprung Duck technique!'
8th Mar 2009, 12:03
Well you asked for the March thread.
8th Mar 2009, 17:58
and of a similar vintage...
A British squaddie in Hannover, visits one of the ladies of the night. A price is agreed and the deed is done. After dressing, the squaddie dives out the door and down the stairs, pursued by a scantily dressed female,screaming, "What about my marks?" "Nine out of ten," he shouts over his shoulder as he jumps on a tram
8th Mar 2009, 19:42
http://s.bebo.com/img/vid.gifLetters sent to Viz:
I work in a call centre in Norwich and we've just been told our jobs are moving to India. I'm so excited! I've always wanted to visit India and with the salary they pay me I'll be able to live like a Maharaja over there. Well done Aviva, keep up the good work.
What is it with diabetics? One minute they're on the floor with a loved one standing by screaming "Give him some chocolate! Give him some chocolate!" The next day someone offers them a piece of chocolate and quick as a flash they say "No thanks, I'm diabetic." I wish they'd get their story straight.
I wouldn't say boo to a goose. I'm not a coward, I just realise that it would be largely pointless.
Why is it always people who say 'bring back hanging' who also say 'hanging's too good for them'? Make your right wing minds up.
Doctors say that you should eat 5 pieces of fruit or veg a day to remain healthy. Last week I ate 5 mouldy plums and that night I shat the bed.
What's healthy about that?
Mark J, Barnsley
AM I the only person who hasn't banged Kate Moss? Everyday the papers are
full of stories from blokes claiming to have banged her. It's something I'm quite keen on doing and I was just wondering if there is some sort of queuing system in place.
Zak Cassidy, e-mail
TO THE zookeeper in 1978 who replied "I'll tell you when you're older" when I asked him why one of the monkeys stuck its tongue up another one's arse: I'm 36 now and still waiting for that explanation.
I HAVE just returned from a diplomatic trip to the Congo and I can testify that at no point did I see anyone drinking Um Bongo.
ACCORDING to the BBC website, Heather Mills has blamed the breakdown of her marriage to Sir Paul McCartney on 'constant intrusion' into the couple's private life. It seems a shame that Heather objects so much to the public taking an interest in her personal business. If only she had mentioned it in one of her two published autobiographies, A Single Step and Out On A Limb,or the 'About Heather' section of her website www.heathermillsmccartney (http://www.bebo.com/Link.jsp?Url=http://www.heathermillsmccartney) .com, or perhaps when she sold her life
story to the News of the World in 1993.
Perhaps then the public would have got the message and left her to
live her life out of the constant glare of publicity.
A Cherry, Leeds
PROFESSIONAL footballers have hit the headlines recently for indulging in gamesmanship - diving and playacting and so on. Well at least they are now limiting their disgraceful behaviour to the pitch these days. It wasn't so long ago that they were out beating up Pakistanis, dogging in car parks and gang raping women in hotel rooms. Let's give credit where credit is due.
T Harpic, London
WHY DON'T NHS bosses start hiring obsessive compulsives as nurses? Their attention to hygiene and constant hand washing would see an end to MRSA outbreaks in no time.
THEY SAY that slow and steady wins the race. b*ll**ks! I am an athletics coach specialising in the 100 metre sprint, and I find the best tactic by far is to go as quickly as possible.
I could never understand why Brian McFadden dumped his huge-breasted wife Kerry Katona. But those Iceland adverts really opened my eyes. Wise move.
Alton Towers - Where the magic never ends', or so the com-mercial says. Imagine my disappointment when it closed at 7.30.
My friend's mum recently pointed out that I have the same ironing board cover as her. Can anyone think of a more mundane and pointless remark to make than this?
My neighbour is an odd fellow. He's got a wall around his garden that is completely covered in leaves! And every week in summer, he goes out and trims it with an enormous pair of scissors! I often wonder what he'll get up to next.
J Barratt, Nottingham
When I nipped into a McDonald's to use their toilets the other day, I was confronted by a spotty teenager mopping up vomit just by the lavatory. On the back of his Tshirt it said 'I'm Lovin' it!', but the poor sod's face told a different story.
What's all this nonsense about that 66-year-old Romanian woman being the world's oldest mum? My mum's 77. Beat that!
How I Met My Wife
Jack Winter, the New Yorker, July 25, 1994.
It had been a rough day, so when I walked into the party I was very chalant, despite my efforts to appear gruntled and consolate.
I was furling my wieldy umbrella for the coat check when I saw her standing alone in a corner. She was a descript person, a woman in a state of total array. Her hair was kempt, her clothing shevelled, and she moved in a gainly way.
I wanted desperately to meet her, but I knew I’d have to make bones about it, since I was travelling cognito. Beknownst to me, the hostess, whom I could see both hide and hair of, was very proper, so it would be skin off my nose if anything bad happened. And even though I had only swerving loyalty to her, my manners couldn’t be peccable. Only toward and heard-of behavior would do.
Fortunately, the embarrassment that my maculate appearance might cause was evitable. There were two ways about it, but the chances that someone as flappable as I would be ept enough to become persona grata or a sung hero were slim. I was, after all, something to sneeze at, someone you could easily hold a candle to, someone who usually aroused bridled passion.
So I decided not to risk it. But then, all at once, for some apparent reason, she looked in my direction and smiled in a way that I could make head or tails of.
I was plussed. It was concerting to see that she was communicado, and it nerved me that she was interested in a pareil like me, sight seen. Normally, I had a domitable spirit, but, being corrigible, I felt capacitated—as if this were something I was great shakes at—and forgot that I had succeeded in situations like this only a told number of times. So, after a terminable delay, I acted with mitigated gall and made my way through the ruly crowd with strong givings.
Nevertheless, since this was all new hat to me and I had not time to prepare a promptu speech, I was petuous. Wanting to make only called-for remarks, I started talking about the hors d’oeuvres, trying to abuse her of the notion that I was sipid, and perhaps even bunk a few myths about myself.
She responded well, and I was mayed that she considered me a savoury character who was up to some good. She told me who she was.
“What a perfect nomer,” I said, advertently.
The conversation became more and more choate, and we spoke at length to much avail. But I was defatigable, so I had to leave at a godly hour. I asked if she wanted to come with me. To my delight, she was committal. We left the party together and have been together ever since. I have given her my love, and she has requited it.
An Indian walks into a cafe with a shotgun in one hand pulling a male buffalo with the other.
He says to the waiter: 'Want coffee.'
The waiter says, 'Sure, Chief. Coming right up.'
He gets the Indian a tall mug of coffee.
The Indian drinks the coffee down in one gulp, turns and blasts the buffalo with the shotgun, causing parts of the animal to
splatter everywhere and then just walks out.
The next morning the Indian returns.
He has his shotgun in one hand, pulling another male buffalo with the other.
He walks up to the counter and says to the waiter 'Want coffee.'
The waiter says 'Whoa, Tonto! We're still cleaning up your mess from yesterday. What was all that about, anyway?'
The Indian smiles and proudly says ..
'Training for position in United States Congress:
Come in, drink coffee, shoot the bull, leave mess for others to clean up, disappear for rest of day.'
9th Mar 2009, 08:18
A bloke's wife goes missing while diving off the West Australian coast.
He reports the event, searches fruitlessly and spends a terrible night
wondering what could have happened to her.
Next morning there's a knock at the door and he is confronted by a couple
of policemen, the old Sarge and a younger Constable.
The Sarge says, 'Mate, we have some news for you, unfortunately some
really bad news, but, some good news, and maybe some more good news'.
'Well,' says the bloke, 'I guess I'd better have the bad news first?'
The Sarge says, 'I'm really sorry mate, but your wife is dead. Young Bill
here found her lying at about five fathoms in a little cleft in the reef.
He got a line around her and we pulled her up, but she was dead.'
The bloke is naturally pretty distressed to hear of this and has a bit
of a turn. But after a few minutes he pulls himself together and asks
what the good news is.
The Sarge says, 'Well when we got your wife up there were quite a few
really good sized crays and a swag of nice crabs attached to her, so
we've brought you your share.'
He hands the bloke a sugar bag with a couple of nice crays and four or
five crabs in it.
'Geez thanks. They're bloody beauties. I guess it's an ill wind and all
that... So what's the other possible good news?
'Well', the Sarge says, 'if you fancy a quick trip, me and young Bill
here get off duty at around 11 o'clock and we're gonna shoot over there
and pull her up again! :rolleyes:
9th Mar 2009, 16:54
Did you hear the one about the FAA flight inspector who brought along a shotgun when he rode in Santa's Sleigh to check him out before the big ride?
It's really funny
9th Mar 2009, 18:23
Are we supposed to bite or supply the laugh line?
9th Mar 2009, 18:56
Hint: Engine failure
9th Mar 2009, 18:58
Hint, really, really old jokes just keep showing up, sometimes just a couple of pages back. :p
9th Mar 2009, 19:16
Well I thought that the joke was funny..:O
9th Mar 2009, 23:02
Wiremu, a New Zealander, was in Australia to watch the upcoming Rugby World Cup and was not feeling well, so he decided to see a doctor. "Hey doc, I dun't feel so gud, ey" said Wiremu.
The doctor gave him a thorough examination and informed Wiremu that he had long existing and advanced prostate problems and that the only cure was testicular removal.
"No way doc" replied Wirmu "I'm gitting a sicond opinion ey!"
The second Aussie doctor gave Wiremu the same diagnosis and also advised him that testicular removal was the only cure.
Not surprisingly, Wiremu refused the treatment.
Wiremu was devastated, but with the Rugby World Cup just around the corner he found an expat KIWI doctor and decided to get one last opinion from someone he could trust.
The KIWI doctor examined him and said "Wiremu , you huv prostate suckness ey".
"What's the cure thin Doc ey?" asked Wiremu hoping for a different answer.
"Wull, Wiremu", said the Kiwi doctor "wi're gonna huv to cut off your balls."
"Phew, thunk GOD for thut!" said Wiremu, "those Aussie bastards wanted to take my test tickets off me!!" :D
10th Mar 2009, 02:36
Two Aussies are sitting down for a break in their about-to-be-opened new store, as yet the store isn't ready although the shelving is all in place.
One says to the other, "I beet any meenit now some tourist is going to walk by, put hees face to the weendow and ask what we're sealing."
No sooner are the words out of his mouth when, sure enough, a curious bloke walks to the window, has a peek, and in a Kiwi accent asks,
"What're yer sellin' here ?"
One of the men replies, "We're sealing assholes here mate."
Without missing a beat, the Kiwi says, "Geez, you must have had a bloody good day, you've only got two left !"
10th Mar 2009, 03:29
Henry! into the corner with Bakgat. Both jokes have been posted ad infinitum.
Not that i've got anything newer.
10th Mar 2009, 06:45
Three Australians were in a bar in London and spotted a New Zealander.
So, one of the Australians walked over to the New Zealander and tapped him on the shoulder.
"Hey, Oi hear your Daniel Carter ees a faggot."
"Oh really? replied the Kiwi. "Hmm, I didn't know that".
Puzzled, the Australian walked back to his buddies.
"Oi told heem Daniel Carter ees a faggot, and he didn't care," he told them.
The second Australian piped up. "Strewth, Brucey, you just don't know how to sit heem off... watch and learn" And so the second Australian walked over to the New Zealander and tapped him on the shoulder.
"Hey, Oi hear your Daniel Carter ees a poofter, transvestite faggot!"
"Oh really, hmm, I didn't know that," responded the Kiwi again blandly.
Shocked beyond belief, the second Australian went back to his buddies. "You're roight"", he told them, "he ees unshakable!"
The third Australian remarked, "Boys, ya just don’t know how ta do it. Oi'll say something that’ll reelly teek heem off... just watch."
So the third Australian walked over to the New Zealander and tapped him on the shoulder
"Oi hear Daniel Carter ees an Australian"
"Yeah," answered the Kiwi. "That's what your mates were trying to tell me”
10th Mar 2009, 08:41
Y'know" said the Scotsman, "I still prefer the pubs back home. In Glasgow there's a
wonderful little bar called McTavish's. The landlord there goes out of his way for the
locals, so much so that when you buy 4 drinks he'll buy the 5th drink for you."
Well"", said the Englishman, "At my local pub, the Red Lion, the barman there will buy you
your 3rd drink after you buy the first 2."
"Ahhhhh, that's nothing lads", said the Irishman. "Back home in me own Dublin, there's
Ryan's Bar. - Now, the moment you set foot in the place they'll buy you a drink, then
another; all the drinks you like. Then, when you've had enough drinks they'll take you
upstairs and see that you get laid.. All on the house".
The Englishman and Scotsman immediately scorn the Irishman's claims. But he swears
every word is true.
"Well," said the Englishman
"Did this actually happen to you?"
"Not to me meself, personally, no," said the Irishman ."...but it did happen to me
10th Mar 2009, 08:55
A married couple were on holiday in Jamaica. They were touring around the market-place looking at the goods and such, when they passed a small sandal shop.
From inside they heard the shopkeeper say, 'You foreigners! Come in. Come into my humble shop.' So the married couple walked in.
The Jamaican said to them, 'Mon, I got some special sandals I tink you would be interested in. Dey makes you wild at sex.'
Well, on this basis, the wife was really interested in buying the sandals, but her husband felt he really didn't need them, being the sex machine that he was.
The husband was very sceptical, and asked the man, 'How can sandals improve your sex life?' The Jamaican replied, 'Jes try dem on, mon.'
Well, the husband, after some badgering from his wife, finally gave in and tried them on.. As soon as he slipped them onto his feet, he got this wild look in his eyes, something his wife hadn't seen before!
In the blink of an eye, the husband grabbed the Jamaican, bent him over the table, yanked down his pants, ripped down his own pants, and grabbed a firm hold of the Jamaican's thighs. The Jamaican began screaming: 'You got dem on de wrong feet!'
10th Mar 2009, 10:10
Bakgat - they just keep getting older
A Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driver's license.
First, of course, he had to take an eyesight test. The optician showed him a card with the letters:
'C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.'
"Can you read this?" the optician asked.
"Read it?" the Polish guy replied, "I know the guy."
A party of visitors are being shown around Edinburgh's sewer system, when they met one of the workers. "My poor man" says one overbearing lady, "it must be simply awful working down here, I don't know how you can stand it".
"Ah well" says the worker, "nay, but it's verry interesting sometimes. See here now, see that big black jobbie floating along on the stream, that's Macintosh's turd". "Oh" says the lady, "how can you tell ?" "He runs the sweetshop" says the worker, " look at the hundreds and thousands embedded in it. And" - he grabs her arm "now look that way, see the one bobbing along with sawdust all over it ? Robertson the butcher !"
"Amazing" says the lady, but he's not finished.
"And look" he says, "now, see the wee beige jobbie coming along this side sewer - that's the wife's !"
"How on earth do you know ?" enquires the lady.
He smiles. "It's got me sandwiches tied to it !" he answers.
A hiker was walking along a road in Wales when his eye caught sight of a field of hay being mown. He stopped to watch the farmer at work, and after a while noticed that although the thrifty farmer was cutting every other part of the field, he left one shady corner unmown.
Seeing his interest, the famer stopped his tractor. "You've noticed, have you ?" he asked with a smile. The hiker replied, "yes I have, I was wondering why you left just that bit of the hay unmown when you were cutting all the rest".
"Ah" said the famer, "it's something of a memory for me. You see, that corner is where I first made love, when I was a young lad, and well, I like to keep it unmown to remind me of that afternoon".
"That's wonderful and so very romantic" says the hiker. "Yes" replies the farmer, 'the only thing is, just as we finished, I looked across there and saw her mother watching me over the hedge."
"My goodness" says the hiker, "what on earth did she say ?"
"Well, as I recollect" says the famer, "it was 'Baaaaa'".
11th Mar 2009, 19:32
11th Mar 2009, 19:44
That sign is almost the punch line from a "Rastus" joke from the 1970s
The Ancient Mariner
11th Mar 2009, 20:28
You are obviously of a similar age to myself, Rossian.
You weren't by any chance based in Hertfordshire way back then?
Edited to add:-
A little bit of research (on the internet) reveals that Rastus and Liza Jane jokes were popular (in Texas) in the 50s. Now I was hearing these in Hertfordshire in the mid to late 60s and Rossian (wherever he was) claims the 70s, so, given that there was no internet, no email and no mobile 'phones (well, no practical personal devices like today) - so how did these jokes get distributed? I cannot imagine that the broadcast media was responsible, so how on earth did we get to hear them? (I know exactly who told me the Rastus joke referred-to above in late 1966 or early 1967 - he was a (very) junior bank clerk.)
Jokes,Pranks,Funny Jokes,Funny Pranks,Blonde Jokes,Clean Jokes,Short jokes from JokesPrank.Com (http://www.jokesprank.com/)
11th Mar 2009, 22:53
And I heard them in the '60s, whilst in the [non-PC (at that time)] RAF :ok:
11th Mar 2009, 23:09
And I heard them in the '60s, whilst in the [non-PC (at that time)] RAF
Me too so I suspect that was how they "travelled".
12th Mar 2009, 00:24
I got the earlier 'old chestnuts' (and the bawdy songs) through the ATC, but by the 60s I'd 'moved on' and been though Uni (very little material gleaned from there) so my source was the pub.
12th Mar 2009, 10:31
G-CPTN - And I've no doubt that rag mags can take a lot of the responsibility too. :D
12th Mar 2009, 10:41
A propos of nothing
Back before the net I think many jokes were distributed by aircrew
12th Mar 2009, 21:54
An Irish woman of advanced age visited her physician to ask his advice on reviving her husband's libido.
'What about trying Viagra?' asked the doctor.
'Not a chance', she said. 'He won't even take an aspirin.'
'Not a problem,' replied the doctor. 'Give him an 'Irish Viagra'. It's when you drop the Viagra tablet into his coffee. He won't even taste it. Give it a try and call me in a week to let me know how things went.'
It wasn't a week later when she called the doctor, who directly inquired as to her progress. The poor dear exclaimed, 'Oh, faith, bejaysus and begorrah! T'was horrid! Just terrible, doctor!'
'Really? What happened?' asked the doctor.
'Well, I did as you advised and slipped it in his coffee and the effect was almost immediate. He jumped straight up, with a twinkle in his eye and with his pants a-bulging fiercely. With one swoop of his arm, he sent me cups and tablecloth flying, ripped me clothes to tatters and took me then and there passionately on the tabletop. It was a nightmare, I tell you, an absolute nightmare.'
'Why so terrible?' asked the doctor, 'Do you mean the sex your husband provided wasn't good?'
'Freakin' jaysus, 'twas the best sex I've had in 25 years! But sure as I'm sittin' here, I'll never be able to show me face in Starbucks again.
12th Mar 2009, 21:57
An 86-year-old man went to his doctor for his quarterly check-up...
The doctor asked him how he was feeling, and the
86-year-old said ,'Things are great and I've never felt better.'
I now have a 20 year-old bride who is pregnant with my child.
"So what do you think about that Doc ?"
The doctor considered his question for a minute and
then began to tell a story.
"I have an older friend , much like you, who is an avid hunter
and never misses a season."
One day he was setting off to go hunting.
In a bit of a hurry , he accidentally picked up his walking cane instead of his gun."
"As he neared a lake , he came across a very large male beaver sitting at the water's edge.
He realized he'd left his gun at home and so he couldn't shoot the magnificent creature.
Out of habit he raised his cane , aimed it at the animal as if
it were his favorite hunting rifle and went 'bang, bang'."
"Miraculously , two shots rang out and the beaver fell over dead.
Now, what do you think of that ?" asked the doctor.
The 86-year-old said ,
"Logic would strongly suggest that somebody else
pumped a couple of rounds into that beaver."
The doctor replied , "My point exactly."
13th Mar 2009, 00:54
Geez, haven't heard that one since.........the last joke thread
13th Mar 2009, 05:47
New film coming out
"A wedding 4 weeks and a funeral"
guess who's in it :E
13th Mar 2009, 10:18
New film coming out
"A wedding 4 weeks and a funeral"
guess who's in it
That is disgusting, tasteless and tacky. I liked it.
13th Mar 2009, 12:16
Ten Things Men know about Women:
10. Women have breasts,
MagnusP: That is disgusting, tasteless and tacky. I liked it.
Right, and her tumour's getting an OBE for services to the Media Industry.
Now THAT's disgusting, tasteless, and tacky.
13th Mar 2009, 15:41
THIS IS INCREDIBLE....
Read all the Numbers...
Slowly and in Order!!
Be Careful not to miss any
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10
11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19
20 21 22 23 24 25 26 27
28 29 30
Scroll down .....................
TOMORROW I'LL SEND YOU THE ABC's
It so easy to amuse old people
13th Mar 2009, 15:50
This is an old one, but judging by the current standard some of our youthful readers will not have heard it.
An old lady is rocking away the last of her days on her front porch, reflecting on her long life, when--all of a sudden--a fairy godmother appears in front of her and informs her that she will be granted three wishes.
"Well, now," says the old lady, "I guess I would like to be really rich."
** POOF *** her rocking chair turns to solid gold.
"And, gee, I guess I wouldn't mind being a young, beautiful princess."
*** POOF *** she turns into a beautiful young woman."
Your third wish?" asked the fairy godmother.
Just then the old woman's cat wanders across the porch in front ofthem.
"Ooh--can you change him into a handsome prince?" she asks.
*** POOF *** there before her stands a young man more handsome than anyone could possibly imagine. She stares at him, smitten. With a smile that makes her knees weak, he saunters across the porch in his catlike way and whispers in her ear,
"Bet you're sorry you had me neutered, aren't you?"
13th Mar 2009, 17:53
Donald Duck goes on a dirty weekend but forgets his Durex. He calls down to reception, asks for a pack of three.
Reception asks "Shall I put them on your bill?"
Donald replies "Don't be f******ng stupid, I'll suffocate!"
14th Mar 2009, 01:52
You won't have heard/read this before:
A vicar checked into a hotel the other day, and said to the desk clerk "I hope the porn channel is disabled!"
"You sick b*st*rd!" the clerk replied. "It's just normal porn."
Coat, hat, etc
14th Mar 2009, 02:25
You won't have heard/read this before:
Not more than at least three or four times.
14th Mar 2009, 05:56
Jesus walks into the Paris Hilton and plonks 4 nails on the bar.
Quizically the receptionist looks at him and asks "How may I help you sir"
To which jesus replies "Can you put me up for the night please!"
14th Mar 2009, 09:52
This may be new to some............
Jack buys humself a new Harley-Davidson When he collects, he's told by the dealer 'this one has a very special paint job, Sir. To keep it looking good, don't let it get wet. If it's likely to, rub some vaseline over the paint'. Jack says 'OK', and goes off riding around on his shiny new Harley. Stopping to show off when he can, he attracts this rather nice looking girl, and they ride togethr on the Harley for most of the afternoon. Eventually, she invites him back to her place for dinner. Figuring he's onto a good thing, Jack accepts, although when she tells him she lives with her parents, he's not so sure. Still, a free dinner is something.......
So they ride round to her house, and as they enter, Jack is amazed to see dirty dishes stacked everywhere. 'What's all this for?' he asks.
'Well', she replied, 'none of us like doing dishes, so we have a rule that anyone who speaks at the dinner table has to do all the dishes that have piled up'
Jack thinks this is pretty weird, but he's introduced to her mother, younger (but very attractive) sister and her father. They go into dinner, and not a word is said. Total silence. Jack gets nervous and worried. 'What' he thinks, 'can I do to make them speak?' Eventually, he's so wound up he goes over to the girl, throws he face down on the table, pulls up her skirt and rips her panties off before having her in front of everyone. Still not a word is said. Jack sits down and continues eating: still total silence. Convinced that someone must say something, he goes over to the sister, and repeats the performance with her. Still no comment.
Eventually after some more time spent in silence, Jack rises to the occasion and repeats the process with the mother - and still no-one says anything. As he finishes with the mother he glances out of the window at his beautiful new Harley on the drive, and sees some drops of rain appear on the window. Mindful of the dealer's comments about the paint job, Jack asks 'Anyone got any vaseline?'
At which the father throws up his hands and says 'OK,OK, I'll do the damn dishes!'
14th Mar 2009, 10:02
Another Harley one...........
Harley and Davidson die and go up to Heaven. After entering the pearly gates and being issued with wings and a halo, they start wandering around. They see an apple tree with a guy with a white beard sitting underneath it with apples continually dropping around him. Intrigued, they ask 'Who are you, and what did you do?'
'I'm Sir Isaac Newton', the old chap replies, ' and I discovered gravity and formulated the laws of motion. Who are you?'
'We're Harley and Davidson: we make the world's best motor bikes', they reply and wander off.
A bit later, they find a man with long white hair scribbling equations on a blackboard. Again they ask 'Who are you, and what did you do?'
The man answers 'I am Albert Einstein: I discovered relativity.Who are you?'
'We're Harley and Davidson: we make the world's best motor bikes', they say and wander off.
Further on, they find God sitting on a throne, surrounded by cherubim and seraphim. 'Who' they ask,'are you, and what did you do?'
'I am God. I created the universe, the world and all the creatures in it and all the men and women. Who are you?'
'We're Harley and Davidson: we make the world's best motor bikes'.
God smiles and says, 'I bet there's more of my creations been ridden than yours!'
14th Mar 2009, 10:11
I raced a Kawasukionda today and after some really hard riding I managed
to PASS the guy. I was riding on one of those really, really
twisting sections of mountain road with no straight sections to
speak of and where most of the bends have warning signs that
say "MAX SPEED 50 KPH".
I knew if I was going to pass one of those monsters with those
big-cubic-inch motors, it would have to be a place like this where
handling and rider skill are more important than horsepower alone.
I saw the guy up ahead as I exited one of the turns and knew I could
catch him, but it wouldn't be easy. I concentrated on my braking and
cornering. Three corners later, I was on his mudguard. Catching him
was one thing; passing him would prove to be another.
Two corners later, I pulled up next to him as we sailed down the
mountain. I think he was shocked to see me next to him, as I nearly
got by him before he could recover. Next corner, same thing. I'd
manage to pull up next to him as we started to enter the corners but
when we came out he'd get on the throttle and out-power me. His
horsepower was almost too much to overcome, but this only made me
more determined than ever.
My only hope was to out-brake him. I held off squeezing the lever
until the last instant. I kept my nerve while he lost his. In an
instant I was by him. Corner after corner, I could hear the roar of
his engine as he struggled to keep up. Three more miles to go before
the road straightens out and he would pass me for good.
But now I was in the lead and he would no longer hold me back. I
stretched out my lead and by the time we reached the bottom of the
canyon, he was more than a full corner behind. I could no longer see
him in my rear-view mirror.
Once the road did straighten out, it seemed like it took miles
before he passed me, but it was probably just a few hundred yards. I
was no match for that kind of horsepower, but it was done. In the
tightest section of road, where bravery and skill count for more
than horsepower and deep pockets, I had passed him. Though it was
not easy, I had won the race to the bottom of the mountain and I had
preserved the proud tradition of one of the best bits of Brit iron.
I will always remember that moment. I don't think I've ever pedaled
so hard in my life. And, some of the credit must go to Raleigh
cycles, as well. They really make a great bicycle...
14th Mar 2009, 10:15
40. Oh I just couldn't, she's only sixteen.
39. I'll take Shakespeare for a thousand, Alex.
38. Duct tape won't fix that.
37. Hey, Peaches? I think we should sell the pickup and buy a minivan.
36. Come to think of it, I'll have a martini.
35. We don't keep no firearms in this house.
34. Has anybody seen the sideburns trimmer?
33. You can't feed that to the dog.
32. I thought Graceland was tacky.
31. No kids in the back of the pickup, it's just not safe.
30. Wrestling's fake.
29. Hey, Peaches? Did you mail that donation to Greenpeace?
28. We're vegetarians.
27. Do you think my gut is too big?
26. I'll have grapefruit and whole wheat toast instead of the biscuits and gravy.
25. Listen, Peaches. I love animals too, but we just don't need another dog.
24. Who gives a damn about NASCAR? Let's watch soccer!
23. Give me the small bag of pork rinds.
22. Nope. I’m going to have to say quits after this new ink. Ten tattoos is enough for any man.
21. Smoking is such a nasty habit.
20. I just couldn't find a thing at K-Mart today.
19. I wonder if I can get some quieter pipes?
18. Hand me that metric wrench there.
17. The tires on that truck are too big.
16. "That's one small step for man. One giant leap for mankind."
15. I've got it all on the C: drive.
14. Light beer just tastes better.
13. Sturgis is too far to ride to.
12. Brass knuckles and chains are for sissies. I prefer kung-fu!
11. Hustler? No, I subscribe to National Geographic.
10. I shaved my beard because it made me look like an inbred redneck hill scoggin.
8. She's too young to be wearing a bikini.
7. Cleanliness is next to godliness.
6. Hey, here's an episode of "Hee Haw" that we haven't seen.
5. Do these leather chaps make my ass look too big?
4. I'd like to open this annual meeting of the International Neurosurgery Association with a poem written by Robert Frost ...
3. I’m thinking of going back to school.
2. Those shorts really ought to be a little longer there, Peaches. I mean, hell, your ass is showing when you ride behind me.
... and the number one thing you will never hear a Harley owner say:
1. No more for me. I'm ridin'!
14th Mar 2009, 10:19
A country vicar was discussing a problem with the Rural Dean. 'It's this parishioner, dean', he said. 'Typical middle aged spinster, really has sex on her mind but won't admit it, and is always coming round to the vicarage or accosting me in church, with all sort of hints about sexual misbehaviour without saying anything. It's beginning to get me down'.
The dean scratched his chin and said' Why don't you tell her that she shouldn't come to the church or vicarage at night because it's not safe - there's a serial rapist around the churchyard. That should get you some peace.
At the next meeting, the Rural Dean asked the vicar 'How did you get on with that parishioner? Are things any better?'
'You and your bright idea', replied the vicar. 'It's far worse. She puts up a tent every night in the bloody churchyard!'
14th Mar 2009, 13:09
Chap arrives home and says to his wife, "How about something different - let's have wheelbarrow sex".
"How does that work?", she asks.
"Well, you lie face down, I pick up your legs, slide in, and away we go", he replies.
"OK then, but don't go past mum's house".
14th Mar 2009, 16:59
Michael Jackson has announced his UK tour dates; they're David aged 10 and Paul aged 11.
14th Mar 2009, 18:01
The woman who entered Jane Goody's hospital room with a hammer was also found to have nails, planks of wood and a tape measure - she has apologised for getting there two weeks early.....
14th Mar 2009, 19:13
Food for thought?
A beautiful fairy appeared one day to a destitute refugee claimant outside the Heathrow Immigration offices.
'My good man,' the fairy said, 'I've been told to grant you three wishes, since you just arrived in England with your wife and three children.'
The man told the fairy: 'Well, where I come from, we don't have good teeth, so I want new teeth, maybe a lot of gold in them...'
The fairy looked at the man's almost toothless grin and -- PING ! -- He had a brand new shining set of gold teeth in his mouth!
'What else?' asked the fairy, 'two more to go'
The refugee claimant now got bolder
'I need a big house with a three-car garage in Oxford with eight bedrooms for my family and the rest of my refugee relatives who still live in my country. I want to bring them all over here.
PING! - In the distance there could be seen a beautiful mansion with a three-car garage, a long driveway, a walkout patio with a BBQ, overlooking the river.
'One more wish,' said the fairy, waving her wand.
'Yes, one more wish.
I want to be like the British with British clothes instead of manjams, and a baseball cap instead of this turban.
And I want to have white skin like the British.'
PING! - The man was transformed, wearing worn out jeans, an Eagles T-shirt and a Billabong baseball cap.
He had his bad teeth back and the mansion had disappeared from the horizon... :confused:
'What happened to my new teeth?' he wailed.
'Where is my new house?'
The fairy said:
"Tough luck. Now that you are English, you're entitled to f*** all!"
14th Mar 2009, 22:54
Earlier post asking "where do those jokes come from"....
Irish country doctor.
Knock on his door.
Bloke outside with blood all over his nether regions.
"Megad, what happened to you?".
"Shut up doc, just do something about it".
So the doc stitches him up as well as he can and the bloke fades into the night.
Same thing happens next week.
Doc now really baffled, and mentions it to a drinking buddy in the pub, that he knows has a link to the IRA.
"None of yer business, doc".
"I know, I'm just baffled".
"Hummm.... can you keep yer trap shut? Meet me tomorrow night".
Buddy then takes doc to a secret training ground for the IRA, where they teach them to throw hand grenades.
"OK, now this is a hand grenade. To use it, you first pull the safety pin.
Then you let go of the handle.
Then you count to ten.
Then you throw it".
"OK, Paddy, show us".
(The rest is much better when you tell it, because you can then do the gestures).
Paddy takes the hand grenade, stares at it, then pulls the pin.
Then lets go of the handle and starts counting... on his fingers.
"One, two, three, four, five..."
Runs out of fingers, so clenches the hand grenade between his knees and starts counting on his other hand.
"Six, seven... "
The rest is then left to the imagination.....
Now why this hoary old tale?
Because I heard it twice, with about a fifteen year interval. The first version was the "IRA" one, the second version was "Belgian army".
Now, the Belgians are to the Dutch and the French, what the Irish are to the English, and the Poles are to the Americans.
Just goes to show that some jokes are amazingly long-lived, even if they mutate as necessary....
14th Mar 2009, 23:21
Then there was the Brownie Joke Book . . . (1989)
14th Mar 2009, 23:36
some jokes are amazingly long-lived, even if they mutate as necessary...I've even heard a Canadian version about Quebec Seperationists
2 in one: google translate spanish>english:
U.S. President Bill Clinton flies to Hillary in one of the woman on an airplane. Something has offended Hillary and Bill decides to entertain the little woman:
Referring to the airplane pilot wife asks Clinton: "I want to give him $ 5 and he kissed my hand?"
Hillary sulky to ...
Bill: "You want me to give him 100 dollars and he kissed my feet?"
Hillary still sulky ...
Whereas the pilot calls for help: "You know Bill, I now let loose the steering wheel and you came to take me in your mouth ..." :E
15th Mar 2009, 00:20
Si Senor der dago, forte lories inaro.
Demaint lories - demstrux - fula coos anhens andux . . .
15th Mar 2009, 05:22
Ryanair pilot Paddy is flying into DSA.
The plane is in trouble, so he calls the tower and shouts
"Help ,help....Easter...Pancake Tuesday....New Years Eve. Bank Holiday Monday....Halloween....Bonfire night."...
Voice comes back.
"For fecks sake Paddy, its Mayday" !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
15th Mar 2009, 05:35
CJ2, I'd take google translate off the payroll. :confused:
15th Mar 2009, 15:38
Supposedly true legal story:
Judge (about to pronounce sentence) 'This was a particularly horrible crime'. Turns to prosecuting counsel 'Mr, Jones, what do you give a man who allows himself to be sodomised for money?'
'Thirty shillings or two pounds, m'lud - it depends how much you have on you at the time'.
15th Mar 2009, 15:57
Si Senor der dago, forte lories inaro.
Demaint lories - demstrux - fula coos anhens andux . . .
Another one that's been posted a million times:ugh:
Whoops, apologies, just got it:\
I was told this was true...but que saps ?
Hitler was on a state visit to Italy. Driving with Mussolini through Rome in the open Lancia, he spots a guy squatting down defecating (ok, sh*tting) behind a tree. He pulls Mussolini's shoulder. "Look at that" he says "what a disgusting country yours is, Benito. You'd never see that in Berlin". Benito gets all embarrassed and ashamed. "Sorry, Adolf" he replies, "but you know how it is...poor country...ignorant country people"..."lack of hygene".
Six monthe later Benito Mussolini is in Berlin on a state visit. They are driving in the Daimler-Benz when to his joy he spots a man squatting down behind a tree on Unter den Linden. "Ha !" he shouts - "look Adolf, there too is a man shitting behind a tree !"
Hitler is furious and telling his driver to stop the car, he orders two of his Waffen SS to seize the man and bring him to the car. They force the guy to his knees by the Mercedes, and Hitler shouts at him "What do you think you are doing ? How dare you defile the sacred land of the Fatherland ? Do you have any sort of explanation ?"
The guy looks at the Führer, shakes his head and says "Scusi, senyor, but-a me no spikk-a da Deutsch-a".
15th Mar 2009, 23:40
An arts collector touring Italy gets his hands on an extremely valuable landscape painting by a late master of the art. As the deal is a bit shady an wishing to raise no suspicion on passing the customs at the border, he comes up with a cunning plan and says to himself:' I'll paint it over with a thin overcoat with some innocuous motive and once at home, will have my restoration specialist strip it off for me!', and so he does, explaining the matter to the specialist once he gets home.
Two weeks later the specialist calls: 'Right, the overcoat has come off, but so has the landscape. Underneath it was Madonna and now Musolini's face is coming through. Should I continue?'
16th Mar 2009, 00:53
Whilst walking to his City office, a chap noticed a beggar sitting at the side of the pavement. As he got closer, he saw that the beggar had a sign around his neck which read “Falklands Veteran”. The city gent, who was an ex-para who had served in the Falklands conflict himself, remembered those dark days and took pity upon the poor wretch he saw before him. With hardly a pause, he took a crisp £50 note from his wallet and dropped it in the beggar’s hat. The beggar looked up at him, and then at the £50 and then back at our city gent and, with a tear running down his cheek whispered “Muchos Gracias, Señor”...
16th Mar 2009, 07:05
The engineer and the architect were in their club, arguing over who had designed woman. The engineer said that woman was functional, and so was designed by an engineer. The architect said that woman was beautiful and so was designed by an architect.
Eventually, as neither side prevailed, they went to the old judge, sitting in the corner, and asked him to decide. He listened to the arguments, and then delivered his judgement.
'Your both wrong', he said. 'Woman was designed by a planner'.
'What do you mean?' he was asked.
The judge explained 'Woman must have been designed by a planner. Who but a planner would put the pleasure gardens between the waterworks and the sewage works?'
17th Mar 2009, 13:20
OK, it ain’t Friday but here’s one for St.Patrick’s day…
A school party is visiting a racing stable, and at the end of the tour the teachers take the kids off to the toilets. One teacher has the eight year old boys to look after. As usual, some of the youngsters are a bit clumsy, and wee is going everywhere, so she lines the boys up, and one by one, holds them up to the urinals and points them at the porcelain.
She goes through the line, until picking up the last one. Looking down, she exclaims, “You’re a bit big for an eight-year old”
“Well, madam” replies the boy, “actually my name is Padraig O’Shaughnessy, I’m twenty-six and I’m riding Irish Dancer in the 3.30 at Epsom this weekend!”
17th Mar 2009, 15:31
Tom had been in the law enforcement business for 25 years.
Finally sick of the stress he quits his job and buys 50 acres of land in Alaska as far from humanity as possible.
He sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month. Otherwise it's total peace and quiet.
After six months or so of almost total isolation, someone knocks on his door. He opens it and a huge, bearded man is standing there.
'Name's Lars, your neighbour from forty miles up the road. Having a Christmas party Friday night. Thought you might like to come. About 5:00.'
'Great', says Tom, after six months out here I'm ready to meet some local folks. Thank you.'
As Lars is leaving, he stops. 'Gotta warn you, be some drinkin'.'
'Not a problem,' says Tom. 'After 25 years of being a cop, I can drink with the best of 'em.'
Again, the big man starts to leave and stops. 'More'n' likely gonna be some fightin' too.'
'Well, I get along with people, I'll be all right. I'll be there. Thanks again.'
'More'n likely be some wild sex, too,'
'Now that's really not a problem,' says Tom, warming to the idea. I've been all alone for six months! I'll definitely be there.'
'By the way, what should I wear?'
'Don't much matter. Just gonna be the two of us.'
19th Mar 2009, 11:46