SirPeterHardingsLovechild
27th Jul 2008, 18:59
Lyneham Globe Article Jul 08 (Heavily edited)
GE’s Top Table Mr Vice Speech (unedited)
PPRuNe thread (slightly edited)
(Hercules) Aircraft Ground Engineering – Your Questions Answered
Are you highly motivated, at the top of your game, do you thrive under pressure, are you handsome, intelligent, confident and above all…modest? Well, I’m afraid there is no place for you in the RAF, but maybe Ground Engineering is for you.
What does the job entail?
You’ll be qualified on all four Hercules ‘Q’ courses (Airframes, Propulsion, Avionics & Electrics) and be flying around the world with Albert, trying to keep it serviceable. With a bit of luck (more like a miracle), your allocated aircraft will run like a sewing machine around the route and you’ll be able to enjoy the life of an international jetsetter. More likely these days, you’ll spend a large amount of time in Afghanistan and Iraq, with the occasional good trip.
What will be my responsibilities?
You will be OC Engineering Wing’s man on the spot, using your resourcefulness, experience and skill to get that aircraft around the route, fixing it, or arranging spares and personnel to fly out and fix it. But be assured, the management back home will be there to help you, as long as it’s not after 5pm or a weekend.
How much pressure will I be under?
More than you can imagine, but you’ll never have time to ponder how you might have tackled a recent problem better, because you’ll be fully occupied with the next one.
How long will I be expected to work on the aircraft?
The length of your working day is rather cleverly defined in orders as being ‘at the Captain’s discretion’, (and you’re expendable) except he’ll be down the hotel on the pop. You’ll soon work out when you need to be a hero, and when you can relax a little. And there are many factors to consider when assessing the seriousness of a fault on the aircraft. This can be misinterpreted as only breaking down in nice places, and such outrageous observations will have to be shrugged off.
Will I have to work weekends?
Don’t let the door hit your arse on the way out.
Why do aircraft break down all the time at Lyneham, but seem to be better when they are away?
The main reason is that the aircraft don’t like it at Lyneham, they prefer to be abroad. The aircraft is actually disappointed when it returns home, and this explains why all the snags occur on the last leg home. Also, once the aircraft, crew and GE have escaped Lyneham, they are able to get to know the aircraft a little, finding out her likes and dislikes. At Lyneham, they are trying to fix many aircraft, with differing priorities. Down route you are at one with Albert. One focus, one team, one purpose (making last orders)
What’s it like working with a bunch of power crazed alpha males?
Its not easy, especially when you realise just how many interviews and flying exams these aircrew have to fail before they end up on the Hercules. Add that to the fact that you are the best of the best and it becomes a hard burden to bear. Indeed, you are treated as the 6th member of a 5 man team, and have to know your place, that is, an outsider.
Does, a Flt Sgt Loadmaster outrank me?
Not really. The NCO Aircrew aren’t proper SNCO’s, that’s why they have a #####-hawk above their stripes. They spend a large amount of time telling people how much they get paid, which proves the point and their insecurity not to mention guilt. This is when they are most vulnerable and the best time to point out that they are not real SNCO’s. An aircrew Flt Sgt has been promoted once, so is probably equivalent to a Cpl in real life.
But the aircrew seem to think they are very important.
Aircrew are deliberately taught to be confident and assertive, as they don’t have to rise through the ranks, gaining experience, like normal people. This doesn’t necessarily mean that they are right, but it’s usually best to let them think they are.
Some of the GE's seems to be a little unstable.
This is a recognised syndrome caused by too much time away from home. The individual becomes institutionalised. Hating every moment of deployment, but when back home, itching to get back to the desert. There is no known cure, but alcohol and violence seem to help. Never bottle it up.
Some of the Ground Engineers seem to be a little unfit.
This is open to debate. Having reserves of energy are vital in extremes of climate, and the unsociable working hours associated with the job. Current temporary fashions in diet fall by the wayside when your primary duty is to get the aircraft fixed, maybe alone at an isolated location, not knowing where your next meal is coming from. Also, in the chaotic world of Hercules operations, it has been proven that better decisions can be arrived at after stopping for a cigarette break. A Ground Engineer thrives on flight rations, nicotine and alcohol.
Are Ground Engineers exempt from the Health and Safety at Work Act?
Only after they’ve fallen off a ladder, apparently. The phrase ‘Operational Necessity’ is a Joker that will be played many times in your career. Almost every action you take could be described as an operational necessity. The next day’s take off slot for example. If in doubt, your line manager is the aircraft Captain, and he has a duty of care towards you. He gets well paid to carry the can. This skill will serve you well in life. Sloping shoulders.
Like sweeping 4 inches of snow off the aircraft?
The trick here is to get the aircrew to do it, and let them think it was their idea (this comes naturally to them, by the way) Officers are formally trained to take the credit for other peoples efforts. Getting the officers to sweep snow off the aircraft wings, and make them think it was their idea is an advanced Ground Engineer skill and should not be attempted by beginners.
What does the Flt Engineer do?
This is a good question. His main duty is to ensure that the travel scrabble tiles don’t fall into the throttle quadrant and jam the levers. He will sometimes mis-diagnose faults with the gay abandon of someone who is not going to spend all night fixing it. He considers himself a sort of executive consultant ground engineer, and often tells the Captain, we changed this…we fixed this. Its best not to react to this behaviour, and to let him believe it to be true. In spite of all of this, he is your friend.
I have witnessed the entire crew trying to diagnose faults with the aircraft, what should I do?
This is quite normal, while you were asleep down the back, the crew have been discussing the faults with the Flight Engineer for several hours and are keen to impress you with their new found knowledge. The Co-Pilot especially. Remember that the Flight Engineer has been bluffing and bull****ting the crew in some strange game of self justification and one upmanship, and what you are walking into is so far removed from the truth that it is best to employ lateral thinking as a diagnostic tool. This will require discipline and patience, selective deafness and the assumption that just below the surface, they all hate each other. Several crew members are going to tell you what is wrong with the aircraft. It is quite important not to laugh out loud at this point. Having just woken up and being bombarded with suggestions of what the faulty component is, sometimes it is best to remain silent and quietly work out what the fault isn’t. Then like Hercule Poirot, you will have the answer. At some stage the crew will get bored and leave you to do your job in peace. This does not stop them phoning Ascot Ops and using some of the big words they’ve just learnt.
You haven’t mentioned much about actually fixing the aircraft.
You will have the training and experience to perform miracles, you will surprise yourself daily when you look back at what you have achieved. Which is just as well, because you are unlikely to get any thanks for it. Every snag is a new challenge, but the clues are often staring you in the face. For example, when faced with a fault with one of the four Generator Control Panels, under the flight deck, a new Ground Engineer will fully debrief the Flt Engineer before pouring over the wiring diagrams. An experienced Ground Engineer will replace the one that has caught fire. And remember, your most important tool is your mobile phone, kindly provided by ‘er Majesty. Gawd bless ‘er.
Are proper AF/BF’s carried out when the aircraft is away?
A thorough A/F is a good idea, there’s nothing worse than finding the urinal drain masts broken off on the B/F the next morning, Well, there is something worse, having the movers spot it and phoning it in. The aircrew will indicate the depth of servicing they desire by tooting the horn on the crew bus. If you’re ‘Bar Critical’ you might get quite a lot of the internals done on taxi. And if you get up a ladder for the fatigues on taxi, you’ll find out if the brakes are okay, the hard way. Best not to go up ladders at all, I find.
Albert is a forgiving lady. Some GE’s get confused about the depth of servicing on a downroute AF/BF, actually looking for snags. If you look for faults on Albert, you will surely find them. Then what are you going to do, eh?
If it didn’t crash on the last trip, it’ll probably be alright.
As for the B/F, if the Flt Engineer and Captain have already done their walkround, and you’re still putting the fuel in, you could cause embarrassment if you then found a snag. That little red ‘Refuel Panel On’ light on the top panel doubles as the ‘Start GTC now’ when it goes off.
What is a ‘stopper’?
This usually refers to an aircraft fault that must be rectified before the next flight, so on a J Model, this would be every time it lands. Your most memorable trip could be a few days in a nice place waiting for spares, but it can be a double-edged sword. When the spares arrive and the work is to be done, the pressure is on, especially if the rates don’t cover 24hr drinking. Always back up your phone calls with faxes. The Ground Engineer will always get the blame if things go wrong. The best ‘stopper’ of them all is a member of the crew suffering an unfortunate accident or incarceration. There is no finer feeling than standing at the hotel reception in Bermuda with a hangover, to be told that the Navigator has fallen off a moped and broken his leg. Lack of diplomatic clearance can be a pleasant surprise when you’re stuck in the Seychelles.
What is an ‘Ascot Shuffle’?
With a minimum amount of time on the ground between landing and takeoff, it is important to achieve the desired level of refreshment within aviation law. This leads to a mild form of panic, common to all Ascoteers. The consummate professionalism and teamwork demonstrated during the working day in the air is quickly forgotten. A subconscious feeling that there is a better bar somewhere else leads to a complete breakdown of discipline, loss of tempers and valuable time is wasted as the crew wander around aimlessly. Being on the ground, it could be argued that now is the time for the Ground Engineer to take charge, after all, the crew are fatigued after a hard day sat down drinking tea and eating biscuits. Taking the lead is usually pointless. Aircrew on the ground – As easy as herding cats.
How will Ground Engineering affect my family life?
Think of how much time the rest of the Armed Forces spend away from home, and double it. More than 7 months a year away. Ideally, you should have an independent family that don’t like you cluttering up the house too much. Don’t expect a marching band through Wooton Basset on your return. Be happy if they remember your name. If they’re speaking to you, that is.
Any financial advice?
You will be a JPA nightmare and your pay will fluctuate wildly from month to month. Even more if GE Adjutant’s got a hangover and puts the days date in the days qualified box. You would have thought than even JPA couldn’t pay you 170,507 days bog money in one month, tax you on it, then try and deduct the whole payment back the next month. Anyway, this is a good opportunity to close the joint account and pay a set amount every month to a new joint account. This also has other advantages, nuff said. The crew will often leave you behind at the aircraft, so it’s handy to keep a small stash of major currencies for such events. This is known as a GE Wallet.
What about life after Ground Engineering?
Ground Engineers struggle to adjust to life back in the hangar with the ground crew, as it is a large step backwards. A life of high motivation and hard work with reasonable reward and job satisfaction, does not prepare the individual for a return to the main engineering workforce. Skills and tricks learnt abroad are of little use, and the lonely nature of being one’s own boss does not transfer well. Ex-Ground Engineers can be found in the training schools, Eng Ops, but most recently, forming a large part of the Marshalls Aerospace Field Sudoku Team.
Any final advice?
Always say goodnight/morning to Albert, with a little pat on the radome. Never take anything at face value, always suspect hidden agendas. Stuff you face on descent, save your money for beer. Never turn down offers of free money from the imprest holder. Never lose sight of the kitty. Always take a business card from the hotel reception, there is often more than one Holiday Inn. Only take out enough money to achieve rehydration. Never put your penis where you wouldn’t put your finger (or is it the other way around?) Ignore e mails about your tyre pressure gauge being out of calibration, its only illegal if you use it. Don’t stand anywhere near the Deputy SAGE when his phone’s ringing. Don’t distract the Adjutant when she’s typing. Always carry out a pre-use inspection of the aircraft ladder, including the Safe Working Load. Look after yourself, no one else will, and above all, keep your sense of humour.
How do I apply?
Selection policy for potential Ground Engineers is tough and rigorous. Candidates will be expected to prepare themselves thoroughly for the following question – ‘When can you start?’
And finally…
The contents of this presentation in no way reflect the current policy of RAF Lyneham – the only thing that does that is the Station Disaster Plan
GE’s Top Table Mr Vice Speech (unedited)
PPRuNe thread (slightly edited)
(Hercules) Aircraft Ground Engineering – Your Questions Answered
Are you highly motivated, at the top of your game, do you thrive under pressure, are you handsome, intelligent, confident and above all…modest? Well, I’m afraid there is no place for you in the RAF, but maybe Ground Engineering is for you.
What does the job entail?
You’ll be qualified on all four Hercules ‘Q’ courses (Airframes, Propulsion, Avionics & Electrics) and be flying around the world with Albert, trying to keep it serviceable. With a bit of luck (more like a miracle), your allocated aircraft will run like a sewing machine around the route and you’ll be able to enjoy the life of an international jetsetter. More likely these days, you’ll spend a large amount of time in Afghanistan and Iraq, with the occasional good trip.
What will be my responsibilities?
You will be OC Engineering Wing’s man on the spot, using your resourcefulness, experience and skill to get that aircraft around the route, fixing it, or arranging spares and personnel to fly out and fix it. But be assured, the management back home will be there to help you, as long as it’s not after 5pm or a weekend.
How much pressure will I be under?
More than you can imagine, but you’ll never have time to ponder how you might have tackled a recent problem better, because you’ll be fully occupied with the next one.
How long will I be expected to work on the aircraft?
The length of your working day is rather cleverly defined in orders as being ‘at the Captain’s discretion’, (and you’re expendable) except he’ll be down the hotel on the pop. You’ll soon work out when you need to be a hero, and when you can relax a little. And there are many factors to consider when assessing the seriousness of a fault on the aircraft. This can be misinterpreted as only breaking down in nice places, and such outrageous observations will have to be shrugged off.
Will I have to work weekends?
Don’t let the door hit your arse on the way out.
Why do aircraft break down all the time at Lyneham, but seem to be better when they are away?
The main reason is that the aircraft don’t like it at Lyneham, they prefer to be abroad. The aircraft is actually disappointed when it returns home, and this explains why all the snags occur on the last leg home. Also, once the aircraft, crew and GE have escaped Lyneham, they are able to get to know the aircraft a little, finding out her likes and dislikes. At Lyneham, they are trying to fix many aircraft, with differing priorities. Down route you are at one with Albert. One focus, one team, one purpose (making last orders)
What’s it like working with a bunch of power crazed alpha males?
Its not easy, especially when you realise just how many interviews and flying exams these aircrew have to fail before they end up on the Hercules. Add that to the fact that you are the best of the best and it becomes a hard burden to bear. Indeed, you are treated as the 6th member of a 5 man team, and have to know your place, that is, an outsider.
Does, a Flt Sgt Loadmaster outrank me?
Not really. The NCO Aircrew aren’t proper SNCO’s, that’s why they have a #####-hawk above their stripes. They spend a large amount of time telling people how much they get paid, which proves the point and their insecurity not to mention guilt. This is when they are most vulnerable and the best time to point out that they are not real SNCO’s. An aircrew Flt Sgt has been promoted once, so is probably equivalent to a Cpl in real life.
But the aircrew seem to think they are very important.
Aircrew are deliberately taught to be confident and assertive, as they don’t have to rise through the ranks, gaining experience, like normal people. This doesn’t necessarily mean that they are right, but it’s usually best to let them think they are.
Some of the GE's seems to be a little unstable.
This is a recognised syndrome caused by too much time away from home. The individual becomes institutionalised. Hating every moment of deployment, but when back home, itching to get back to the desert. There is no known cure, but alcohol and violence seem to help. Never bottle it up.
Some of the Ground Engineers seem to be a little unfit.
This is open to debate. Having reserves of energy are vital in extremes of climate, and the unsociable working hours associated with the job. Current temporary fashions in diet fall by the wayside when your primary duty is to get the aircraft fixed, maybe alone at an isolated location, not knowing where your next meal is coming from. Also, in the chaotic world of Hercules operations, it has been proven that better decisions can be arrived at after stopping for a cigarette break. A Ground Engineer thrives on flight rations, nicotine and alcohol.
Are Ground Engineers exempt from the Health and Safety at Work Act?
Only after they’ve fallen off a ladder, apparently. The phrase ‘Operational Necessity’ is a Joker that will be played many times in your career. Almost every action you take could be described as an operational necessity. The next day’s take off slot for example. If in doubt, your line manager is the aircraft Captain, and he has a duty of care towards you. He gets well paid to carry the can. This skill will serve you well in life. Sloping shoulders.
Like sweeping 4 inches of snow off the aircraft?
The trick here is to get the aircrew to do it, and let them think it was their idea (this comes naturally to them, by the way) Officers are formally trained to take the credit for other peoples efforts. Getting the officers to sweep snow off the aircraft wings, and make them think it was their idea is an advanced Ground Engineer skill and should not be attempted by beginners.
What does the Flt Engineer do?
This is a good question. His main duty is to ensure that the travel scrabble tiles don’t fall into the throttle quadrant and jam the levers. He will sometimes mis-diagnose faults with the gay abandon of someone who is not going to spend all night fixing it. He considers himself a sort of executive consultant ground engineer, and often tells the Captain, we changed this…we fixed this. Its best not to react to this behaviour, and to let him believe it to be true. In spite of all of this, he is your friend.
I have witnessed the entire crew trying to diagnose faults with the aircraft, what should I do?
This is quite normal, while you were asleep down the back, the crew have been discussing the faults with the Flight Engineer for several hours and are keen to impress you with their new found knowledge. The Co-Pilot especially. Remember that the Flight Engineer has been bluffing and bull****ting the crew in some strange game of self justification and one upmanship, and what you are walking into is so far removed from the truth that it is best to employ lateral thinking as a diagnostic tool. This will require discipline and patience, selective deafness and the assumption that just below the surface, they all hate each other. Several crew members are going to tell you what is wrong with the aircraft. It is quite important not to laugh out loud at this point. Having just woken up and being bombarded with suggestions of what the faulty component is, sometimes it is best to remain silent and quietly work out what the fault isn’t. Then like Hercule Poirot, you will have the answer. At some stage the crew will get bored and leave you to do your job in peace. This does not stop them phoning Ascot Ops and using some of the big words they’ve just learnt.
You haven’t mentioned much about actually fixing the aircraft.
You will have the training and experience to perform miracles, you will surprise yourself daily when you look back at what you have achieved. Which is just as well, because you are unlikely to get any thanks for it. Every snag is a new challenge, but the clues are often staring you in the face. For example, when faced with a fault with one of the four Generator Control Panels, under the flight deck, a new Ground Engineer will fully debrief the Flt Engineer before pouring over the wiring diagrams. An experienced Ground Engineer will replace the one that has caught fire. And remember, your most important tool is your mobile phone, kindly provided by ‘er Majesty. Gawd bless ‘er.
Are proper AF/BF’s carried out when the aircraft is away?
A thorough A/F is a good idea, there’s nothing worse than finding the urinal drain masts broken off on the B/F the next morning, Well, there is something worse, having the movers spot it and phoning it in. The aircrew will indicate the depth of servicing they desire by tooting the horn on the crew bus. If you’re ‘Bar Critical’ you might get quite a lot of the internals done on taxi. And if you get up a ladder for the fatigues on taxi, you’ll find out if the brakes are okay, the hard way. Best not to go up ladders at all, I find.
Albert is a forgiving lady. Some GE’s get confused about the depth of servicing on a downroute AF/BF, actually looking for snags. If you look for faults on Albert, you will surely find them. Then what are you going to do, eh?
If it didn’t crash on the last trip, it’ll probably be alright.
As for the B/F, if the Flt Engineer and Captain have already done their walkround, and you’re still putting the fuel in, you could cause embarrassment if you then found a snag. That little red ‘Refuel Panel On’ light on the top panel doubles as the ‘Start GTC now’ when it goes off.
What is a ‘stopper’?
This usually refers to an aircraft fault that must be rectified before the next flight, so on a J Model, this would be every time it lands. Your most memorable trip could be a few days in a nice place waiting for spares, but it can be a double-edged sword. When the spares arrive and the work is to be done, the pressure is on, especially if the rates don’t cover 24hr drinking. Always back up your phone calls with faxes. The Ground Engineer will always get the blame if things go wrong. The best ‘stopper’ of them all is a member of the crew suffering an unfortunate accident or incarceration. There is no finer feeling than standing at the hotel reception in Bermuda with a hangover, to be told that the Navigator has fallen off a moped and broken his leg. Lack of diplomatic clearance can be a pleasant surprise when you’re stuck in the Seychelles.
What is an ‘Ascot Shuffle’?
With a minimum amount of time on the ground between landing and takeoff, it is important to achieve the desired level of refreshment within aviation law. This leads to a mild form of panic, common to all Ascoteers. The consummate professionalism and teamwork demonstrated during the working day in the air is quickly forgotten. A subconscious feeling that there is a better bar somewhere else leads to a complete breakdown of discipline, loss of tempers and valuable time is wasted as the crew wander around aimlessly. Being on the ground, it could be argued that now is the time for the Ground Engineer to take charge, after all, the crew are fatigued after a hard day sat down drinking tea and eating biscuits. Taking the lead is usually pointless. Aircrew on the ground – As easy as herding cats.
How will Ground Engineering affect my family life?
Think of how much time the rest of the Armed Forces spend away from home, and double it. More than 7 months a year away. Ideally, you should have an independent family that don’t like you cluttering up the house too much. Don’t expect a marching band through Wooton Basset on your return. Be happy if they remember your name. If they’re speaking to you, that is.
Any financial advice?
You will be a JPA nightmare and your pay will fluctuate wildly from month to month. Even more if GE Adjutant’s got a hangover and puts the days date in the days qualified box. You would have thought than even JPA couldn’t pay you 170,507 days bog money in one month, tax you on it, then try and deduct the whole payment back the next month. Anyway, this is a good opportunity to close the joint account and pay a set amount every month to a new joint account. This also has other advantages, nuff said. The crew will often leave you behind at the aircraft, so it’s handy to keep a small stash of major currencies for such events. This is known as a GE Wallet.
What about life after Ground Engineering?
Ground Engineers struggle to adjust to life back in the hangar with the ground crew, as it is a large step backwards. A life of high motivation and hard work with reasonable reward and job satisfaction, does not prepare the individual for a return to the main engineering workforce. Skills and tricks learnt abroad are of little use, and the lonely nature of being one’s own boss does not transfer well. Ex-Ground Engineers can be found in the training schools, Eng Ops, but most recently, forming a large part of the Marshalls Aerospace Field Sudoku Team.
Any final advice?
Always say goodnight/morning to Albert, with a little pat on the radome. Never take anything at face value, always suspect hidden agendas. Stuff you face on descent, save your money for beer. Never turn down offers of free money from the imprest holder. Never lose sight of the kitty. Always take a business card from the hotel reception, there is often more than one Holiday Inn. Only take out enough money to achieve rehydration. Never put your penis where you wouldn’t put your finger (or is it the other way around?) Ignore e mails about your tyre pressure gauge being out of calibration, its only illegal if you use it. Don’t stand anywhere near the Deputy SAGE when his phone’s ringing. Don’t distract the Adjutant when she’s typing. Always carry out a pre-use inspection of the aircraft ladder, including the Safe Working Load. Look after yourself, no one else will, and above all, keep your sense of humour.
How do I apply?
Selection policy for potential Ground Engineers is tough and rigorous. Candidates will be expected to prepare themselves thoroughly for the following question – ‘When can you start?’
And finally…
The contents of this presentation in no way reflect the current policy of RAF Lyneham – the only thing that does that is the Station Disaster Plan