Meaningless management drivel

[Timelord]

I think that we should have a thread celebrating the use of meaningless drivel much loved by those who wish to sound like "management". You know the stuff, the RAF is full of it these days, but my starter for ten comes from Flight Magazine quoting Lawrence Bryant, the MOD's MFTS IPT leader;

"...says that air force, army and navy training has become too fragmented preventing the realisation of the full benefits of the synergies that we could leverage through the coherent management of the whole"

So- all of you in the flying training world, remember to leverage your synergies.

[SVK]

To which I would respond, "WTF?"

[High_lander]

SVK-:ok::ok::ok:


Or

"Who gives a sh!t?"

[tonker]

"With the business going FORWARD"

What, you've got a f*ucking time machine so it goes backwards?

And since when did using your imagination become "thinking out of the box". I suppose from when it frightened the little grey men in their big grey BMW's with their little brains swelled with their large ego's.

Anyway "CHOW"

PS "Lets run it up the flagpole and see who salutes it" bwhhaaaaaaaaaaaa:yuk:

[2Planks]

Presumably leveraging the synergies will become the underpinning architecture to the overarching policy structure that governs the IPT to ensure that a global solution is provided to meet the increasingly demanding needs of the system in a world where change is the only constant.

or would that be making sure that there is always a QFI to teach the new bloke in the new hawk (cos that was always the answer anyway):E

[Wensleydale]

Its no good just asking for examples - in these days of nu-gordon you have to run this as a project. Once you have completed the Prince2 Foundation Course and achieved practitioners' certification you can then receive a mandate from the PPrunE Mods and initiate the project.....

:ugh:My brain hurts. Perhaps I should mitigate the risk of a headache by asking for some ad hoc direction from Cinc Home. Must go - I'm managing the stage boundary between coffee and a drop of red. :yuk:

[BEagle]

"This is a cost effective, integrated, holistic service, covering everything from provision of highly capable aircraft to provision of training and maintenance services, as well as new infrastructure."



= We can't afford to do it ourselves and they're going to put up a new shed or two.

WTF is 'holistic'? Does it mean that the idea comes out of some civil serpent's 'hole'? 'cos 'tis what it sounds like, foresooth.

And is this new Wonderbus 'network centric', whatever that means?

[taxydual]

Holistic. I looked it up on t'internet.

http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/holistic

But I'm still none the wiser

WTF......:eek::eek:

[8-15fromOdium]

One I heard recently:


It's not a lie if it's a future truth.

The speaker was from the upper echelons of the light blue.

[SirPeterHardingsLovechild]

I complained about an aircraft arriving in Afghanistan carrying snags. An exchange at evening prayers back home was later reported to me:-

Q. If it has snags, why are they continuing to carry them?

A. Because they have a Different Risk Appetite

NB. Notice 'different' not 'higher'.....

Because that would be a 'Value Judgement'

[9.81m/s/s]

My Flight Commander regularly ' interfaces ' with us.

I heard the same flight commander on the phone saying " I am sorry but I am temporarily unsighted re that particular communication ".

What he meant was that he couldn't see the yellow sticky with the reminder message on it !!

Great isn't it.

[davejb]

Gosh Tonker,
it's spelled 'ciao' -
look, get your people to interface with my people, and we'll see if we can't get all stakeholders to agree on which bits of Italian verbalisation to go forward with. You know it'll be worth doing, after all, Italian is the new black.

[Satellite_Driver]

I'm sure it's done the rounds before, but it bears repeating...

"I think we need to hit the ground running, keep our eye on the ball, and make sure that we are singing off the same song-sheet. At the end of the day it is not a level playing field and the goalposts may move; if they do, someone may have to pick it up and run with it. We therefore must have a golf bag of options hot-to-trot from the word "go". It is your train set but we cannot afford to leave it on the back-burner; we've got a lot of irons in the fire right now.

We will need to un-stick a few potential poo traps but it all depends on the flash-to bang time and fudge factor allowed. Things may end up slipping to the left and, if they do, we will need to run a tight ship. I don't want to reinvent the wheel but we must get right into the weeds on this one. If push comes to shove, we may have to up-stumps and then we'll be in a whole new ball game.

I suggest we test the water with a few warmers in the bank. If we can produce the goods then we are cooking with gas. If not, then we are in a world of hurt. I don't want to die in a ditch over it but we could easily end up in a flat spin if people start getting twitchy.

To that end, I want to get around the bazaars and make sure the movers and shakers are on-side from day one. If you can hit me with your shopping list I can take it to the head honchos and start the ball rolling. I know you're not the sharpest tool in the box and may be a few sandwiches short of a picnic, but together we'll be the best thing since sliced bread.

There is light at the end of the tunnel and I think we have backed a winner here. If it gets blown out of the water, however, I will be throwing a track. So get your feet into my in-tray and give me chapter and verse as to how you see things panning out. As long as our ducks are in a row I think the ball will stay in play and we can come up smelling of roses.

Before you bomb-burst and throw smoke it is imperative we nail our colours to the mast and look at the big picture. We've got to march to the beat of the drum. We are on a sticky wicket, we'll need to play with a straight bat and watch out for fast balls.

I've been on permanent send for long enough and I've had my ten pence worth. I don't want to rock the boat or teach anyone to suck eggs. We must keep this firmly in our sight picture and not under our hats or it will fall between the cracks. If the cap fits, wear it, but it may seem like pushing fog uphill with a sharp stick. Did you all get that?"

(And I doubt that I'm the only ex Eng(CE) for whom a certain former OC TCW springs to mind on reading that...)

[Maple 01]

erm...I used the phrase "stakeholders" today - sorry

[Grimweasel]

Trouble is that the RAF sponsors Offs to study MBAs; They then bring this new found knowledge back to the RAF (which is clearly NOT a profit making busniess) and then try to enforce crappy said management speak unto unsuspecting victims. Other Offs then think that this 'geezer' a la Alan Sugar must know what he's on about and then start copying his hollow, useless phrases at XX's meetings, and so the virus spreads!

We need to remember that the Forces have been in the business of 'management' and l'eadership' for many moons and we are probably the SMEs in the matter; not some **** of a manager who runs a company selling washers to the nuts and bolts supplier! The RAF is a publicly owned and run defence asset not a fecking PLC listed on LSE/AIM. The quicker they realise that the better.

Kill 'em all; let God sort 'em out!

[tucumseh]

My Flight Commander regularly ' interfaces ' with us.


At least he didn’t “integrate” with you, or did that come later in a private meeting?





we are probably the SMEs in the matter


MoD commercial practice is to stiff Small/Medium Enterprises and drive them out of business; folks like us wonder why they treat Subject Matter Experts like that. This one causes lots of consternation, especially when the SME is the SME. It explains a lot.

[brakedwell]

I used to interface with one of our Cabin Crew - until my wife found out! :eek:

[ArthurR]

I always though " Holistic " was to do with Holograms, ie " Dirk Gently's Holistic detective Agency " by Douglas Adams......Meaning looks good, but it aint real, and costs a fortune.....sounds about right :E

[dallas]

I propose CaRAFE - which, ironically, will appeal to buzz-worders too:

Campaign [for] Real Air Force English

So instead of glassing one of these management speak knobs, you can CaRAFE them - seems much more officer-like.

[maxburner]

Gentlemen, you (in the military) are amatuers at this stuff. You should hear the drivel spoken around here in the bungling barron's empire. And all done with Lancashire accent.

[A2QFI]

Maybe none the wiser Taxydual but much better informed!

[Tricorn]

I don't think anyone has mentioned the 'tallest pole in the tent' or 'wriggle room' yet.:ok:

[chris_tivver]

What you have all failed to internalise is that there has been a paradigm shift. As a result you are all now behind the curve when it comes to the multi-lateral interoperability needed to realise the supra-organisational mission statement”.

(For the luddites this translates as “Things have changed. You can’t understand us when we…um… talk crap. “)

[Alison Conway]

Wensleydale,

In a fit of stupidity, I elected to do the Prince 2 course in preparation for civvy street. It was an enema with a fire hose - a week of constant drivel! Much to my surprise I passed the exam and am now a qualified practioner (with a certificate and everthing). Having listened to the various other military people on the course and their ambitions, I despaired and got a real job teaching what I knew. The only useful phrase I heard at a certain Lincolnshire College was "It is not what A says, but what B understands A to have said" How true in today's climate of burying the real meaning under a smoke screen in case anyone works out that teflon political appointees don't know what they're talking about.

Alison

[cazatou]

35 years ago at SORF RAF Manby we had a "Sqn Cdr" who had been on an Exchange Tour with the USAF. He used to hold Sqn meetings and exhort us to "keep our ducks in a row" and "keep it tight in the air and slack in the Crewroom" etc.

We would then have a Sqn meeting in the Bar to try to work out what he meant. We rarely succeeded - but it was worth the try!!

[GOLF_BRAVO_ZULU]

That example in Srl One is so "off message"! Not once does it include the words "deliver" or "delivery". The worrying thing is, when you see it day in and day out from all quarters, it starts to look normal.

Although in the Maritime Environment, can I join the CaRAFE please?

[PPRuNeUser0139]

'Appen tha'll be embracing change up theer?
Just as long as it's robust like.

Two of my favourites.

[NUFC1892]

On arrival at a post-leaned unit the Gp Capt came out with a whole load a babble at my arrival interview and told me it was my job to translate such crap into terms that the erks would understand. When I asked him to translate it into terms that I could :mad: understand the interview came to a rather abrupt end!

Oh! The joy of being a WO;)

[Melchett01]

It seems that most of the management speak comes from the thrusting SO2s and SO1s who are trying to impress their superiors and contemporaries whilst at the same time trying to bamboozle their subordinates.

The big question is, how many of these people actually understand what they are saying? More importantly do the the words they are using actually fit the context of what they are saying and the meaning they are trying to convey? I am willing to bet that the answer is not many and no.

My biggest bug-bears are the use of the words paradigm, synergy and holistic. Do the people that freely spout these terms actually know what they mean or do they just like to come across as sounding clever? Because quite frankly, at SO3 level, I and probably many others sit there and when we hear these words being used, generally switch off and think 'stop being a pretentious knob, just say what you mean'.

[chris_tivver]

My biggest bug-bears is the use of the words paradigm, synergy and holistic.

I agree especially with paradigm, which is why I used it somewhere above. Its falling out of favour again now so I guess the drivel-creators are trying to find something new. What really annoys me is that paradigm was/is only used in the context of change (new paradigm, paradigm shift etc). This meant that they can never express what the current "paradigm" is which suited them because lets face it these types don't have a clue whats going on anyway

Synergy and holistic whilst over-complicating nice simple English at least had some meaning...well occasionally...well I think I remember them being used correctly once

[henry crun]

From the SMH today....

"Delivery of the first two Wedgetail aircraft and the flight test schedule were delayed because "integration tasks were more complex than we had scoped, but now we have our arms around it,'' Pete Neal, operations manager for Boeing's Early Warning and Control business, told reporters last week in Seattle."

[Melchett01]

Paradigm actually has no place in military terminology and is almost a contradiction of doctrine.

Paradigm, in its original and correct context, is an accepted way of thinking or doing things in a scientific discipline; in an episemological sense, it relates to a school of philosophy dealing with the scope and nature of knowledge ie what is knowledge, how do people develop it, use it etc.

However, the military seems to have adopted the use of paradigm in the sense as defined in the OED - an exemplar or model. Unfortunately, any attempt by any one other than senior officers and doctrine wallahs at Swindon Tech to change the prevailing paradigm is generally met with resistance ie paradigm paralysis. In that sense, the refusal to take on board new ways of doing things without first experiencing them (a posteriori knowledge) rather than developing new ways of doing things through encouraging independent thought (a priori knowledge) at all levels could well be seen as dogmatic. And surely it was hammered home at Sleaford Tech that dogmatic behaviour was not what was required in today's military.

So there you have it. We have lots of paradigms, but unless officially sanctioned by the high paid help, paradigm shifts do not happen, and therefore we, as an institution, must be guilty of being dogmatic. In short, I think that proves that management speak is actually a load of bollocks and has no place in a fighting force that needs to be flexible.:ok:

[Wensleydale]

I thought that paradigm was an overcomplicated phone card system that allowed us to ring home from the sand pit a few years ago - if you could find a suitable phone that worked.

[Blacksheep]

Effective communication is short, sharp and to the point. Drill instructors set a good example... ;)

[chris_tivver]

Paradigm actually has no place in military terminology and is almost a contradiction of doctrine.

Paradigm, in its original and correct context, is an accepted way of thinking or doing things in a scientific discipline; in an episemological sense, it relates to a school of philosophy dealing with the scope and nature of knowledge ie what is knowledge, how do people develop it, use it etc.

However, the military seems to have adopted the use of paradigm in the sense as defined in the OED - an exemplar or model. Unfortunately, any attempt by any one other than senior officers and doctrine wallahs at Swindon Tech to change the prevailing paradigm is generally met with resistance ie paradigm paralysis. In that sense, the refusal to take on board new ways of doing things without first experiencing them (a posteriori knowledge) rather than developing new ways of doing things through encouraging independent thought (a priori knowledge) at all levels could well be seen as dogmatic. And surely it was hammered home at Sleaford Tech that dogmatic behaviour was not what was required in today's military.

So there you have it. We have lots of paradigms, but unless officially sanctioned by the high paid help, paradigm shifts do not happen, and therefore we, as an institution, must be guilty of being dogmatic. In short, I think that proves that management speak is actually a load of bollocks and has no place in a fighting force that needs to be flexible.:ok:

My god thats brilliant. If I understood it I'd use it

[Green Flash]

management speak is actually a load of bollocks

Now, I understand that bit.

[dallas]

I also suggest that referring to management speakers as 'stovepipers' would help with their eradication.

Bloke 1: "What's the boss like?"

Bloke 2: "He's a stovepiper"

Bloke 1: "a ha"

[BEagle]

Isn't a 'stovepiper' merely an inverted dung-funneller?

Then there's 'Sixsigma'. Don't even try to understand that - if you cannot get off to sleep reading the AP&FS Newsletter or one of those non-absorbent Air Power propaganda magazines, try Googling Six Sigma....

Never have I read such utter horse**** which basically says that if you want something to work well, it must have been worked on by a high quality team.

How long before the meaningless management drivellers start adding six sigma crap to their wanqueword lexicons?

Mind you, I doubt whether 't Bungling Baron would have much time for six sigma:

One of the key innovations of Six Sigma is the professionalizing of quality management functions. Prior to Six Sigma, quality management in practice was largely relegated to the production floor and to statisticians in a separate quality department. Six Sigma borrows martial arts ranking terminology to define a hierarchy (and career path) that cuts across all business functions and a promotion path straight into the executive suite.

"Straight to 't executive suite?", he would likely opine, "Ah'll be booggerred first, 'afore that happens oop here at 't werrks!"

'Opine', that was a staff offiicers favoured wanqueword a few years ago - just before inter alia and 'blue water thinking'...:yuk:

[Exrigger]

Six Sigma would appear to have confused many who tried to integrate it into the Quality Management System, as it only works by bringing efficiency/savings into a production environment therefore increasing quality of product.

As it is complicated drivel they simplified it and gave it a nice easy to learn name and it became 'Lean' and most quality people stay well away from it all if they get half a chance.

[ARINC]

One wonders what we'd all do without Bull S**t Bingo (http://www.lovelyjane.btinternet.co.uk/bull****.htm)



I'm just off...late for the paradigm shift...

[1.3VStall]

You guys need to start playing "Wank Word Bingo". I've been a devotee for some time. Do a Google search and you'll see what I mean!

[Capt Pit Bull]

I reckon words are like weapons.

Not as in 'the pen is mightier than the sword' , but simply in terms of 'there are no dangerous weapons, only dangerous people'.

Likewise, there are no wank-words.

If you see what I mean!

pb

[exscribbler]

The Language of Management

Understanding the jargon of management can be difficult; what follows is a practical and, hopefully, a useful guide to this modern idiomatic minefield. This system was prepared for use in the education sector where bullsh*t is everywhere but I guess it might work in the RAF...

Section 1 (Phrase construction)
This section should be used in this way:

Select any word from Group 1, add any word from Group 2 then add to these any word from Group 3.

The resulting phrase is guaranteed to be most impressive yet utterly meaningless but certain to subdue the inept and weakly aspiring; there are 15,625 combinations.

1
programme-generated; integrated; total; systematise; parallel; functional; responsive; optical; synchronised; compatible; balanced; multiple; heuristic; standard; full-power; sub-routine; pre-determined; methodological; versatile; elapsed-time; multi-stage; non-linear; homothetic; error-actuated; load-and-go


2
third generation; management; organisational; regression; monitored; reciprocal; digital; logic; transitional; incremental; policy; strategic; density; auto-correlation; sequential; macro-block; non-essential; word-mark; codified; re-run; zero-sum; isomorphic; stochastic; core-storage; audit


3
transaction-merger; options; flexibility; capability; mobility; programme; concept; time-phase; projection; hardware; contingency; analysis; throughput; processing; entropy; validation; schedule; parameters; obsolescence; violation; nexus; discipline; symbology; evaluation; network


Section 2 (Sentence construction)

When you have mastered Section 1 you are well on the way to becoming a successful communicator. The following technical writing kit is based on the Simplified Integrated Modular Prose System (SIMPS). Using SIMPS, anyone who can count to ten can then write up to 40,000 well-balanced and grammatically correct sentences packed with state of the art terminology. An officer discovered using this must therefore be very senior; you may not know it, but you might even be in the Presence of CAS himself.

To use SIMPS you must first arrange the modules in ABCD order; you then take any four-digit number and apply it to the modules. Using, for example, 8751, you would take Phrase 8 of Module A, Phrase 7 of Module B and so on. The result is a SIMP sentence; add a few more four-digit numbers and you have a SIMPS paragraph. After learning the basic technique, you can realise the full potential of SIMPS by arranging the modules in DACB or even BACD order. In these advanced configurations some additional commas may be required.

Module A
1. In particular; 2. On the other hand; 3. However; 4. Similarly; 5. As a resultant implication; 6. In this regard;
7. Based on integral sub-system considerations; 8. For example; 9. Thus; 10. In respect of specific goals

Module B
1. a large proportion of the interface co-ordination communication; 2. a constant flow of effective communication; 3. the characterisation of specific criteria; 4. initiation of subsystem development; 5. the fully integrated test programme; 6. the product configuration baseline; 7. any associated supported element; 8. the incorporation of additional mission constraints; 9. the independent function principle; 10. a primary inter-relationship between system and sub-system technologies

Module C
1. must utilise and be fully interwoven with; 2. maximises the probability of project success and minimises the cost of time for; 3. adds explicit performance limits to; 4. necessitates that urgent consideration be applied to;
5. requires considerable systems analysis and trade-off studies to arrive at; 6. is further compounded, when taking into account; 7. presents extremely interesting challenges to; 8. recognises the importance of other systems and the necessity for; 9. effects a significant implementation of; 10. adds over-riding performance constraints to

Module D
1. the sophisticated hardware; 2. the anticipated fourth-generation equipment; 3. the subsystem compatibility testing; 4. the structural design, based on systems engineering concepts; 5. the preliminary qualification limit;
6. the evolution of specifications over a given timescale; 7. the principle of commonality and standardisation; 8. and discrete configuration mode; 9. the greater fight-worthiness concept; 10. the total system rationale

[sitigeltfel]

You can always try this;

http://www.plainenglish.co.uk/generator.htm

As we used to say......"Bull**** Baffles Brains."

[exscribbler]

Paradigm and window - what useful words. Mrs Ex seemed never to understand what I meant by a shag-window. Heyho. :ok:

[Mal Drop]

Episemological?

Do you perchance mean epistemological?

[SirPercyWare-Armitag]

Granularity = detail
Fidelity = accuracy

Use of these will guarantee that the culprit has just graduated from Staff College.
Where I understand they teach dogma nowadays rather than doctrine

[Melchett01]

Episemological?

Do you perchance mean epistemological?

Good spot. Or should I just say that I am developing a subtle new paradigm shift, hoping to re-evealuate how we do knowledge.

Nah, that's bollocks - it was just a typo as I was rushing this morning!

PS - I like perchance - another management word I haven't heard for a while.

[chippy63]

I think that Sat Driver's piece is a classic. However, it omits such gems as:
suck it and see;
spoiling the poetry;
it does what it says on the tin;
in the hours, days, weeks and months ahead (copyright-G Broon).
Still, them's the breaks, I suppose.

[AR1]

I thought I'd look at 'Wank word bingo' but sadly, or happily never got past Wank.

Anyway, a quick Civvy update for those currently in the ' hood.

Synergy is another word for redundancy. - Somebody else does your job cheaper.

Paradigm - so out of date its untrue, 2002 maybe, but 2008? Jesus, order me another 20 Typhoons.

Six sigma is of course an old method of reducing process variation, DSS (Digital Six Sigma) is the 'vogue' and the sooner you implement it, the sooner nothing happens.

I suggest that you concentrate on the 'Low hanging fruit' within your respective organisations.

Take care out there - its a jungle.:yuk:

[jimgriff]

I think we need to hit the ground running, keep our eye on the ball, and make sure that we are singing off the same hymn sheet. At the end of the day it is not a level playing field and the goal posts may move; if they do, someone else may have to pick the ball up and run with it. We therefore must have a golf bag of options hot-to-trot from the word 'go'. It is your train set but we cannot afford to leave it on the back burner; we've got a lot of irons in the fire, right now. We will need to unstick a few potential poo traps but it all depends on the flash-to-bang time and fudge factor allowed. Things may end up slipping to the left and, if they do, we will need to run a tight ship. I don't want to re-invent the wheel but we must get right down in the weeds on this one. If push comes to shove, we may have to up stumps and then we'll be in a whole new ball game. I suggest we test the water with a few warmers in the bank. If AFHQ can produce the goods then we are cooking with gas. If not, then we are in a world of hurt. I don't want to die in a ditch over it but we could easily end up in a flat spin if people start getting twitchy. To that end, I want to get round the bazaars and make sure the movers and shakers are on side from day one. If you can hit me with your shopping list I can take it to the head honchos and start the ball rolling. If it goes pear-shaped, it is no good throwing our toys out of the pram or our teddy in the corner. Instead we may have to fine-tune it in order to do a re-gain. We'll be hung out to dry if it becomes a showstopper. There is light at the end of the tunnel and I think we have backed a winner here. If it all gets blown out of the water, however, I will be throwing a track. So get your feet in to my in-tray and give me chapter and verse as to how you see things panning out. As long as our ducks are in a row, I think the ball will stay in play and we can come up smelling of roses. Before you bomb burst and throw smoke, it is imperative, that we play with a straight bat this time around. We need to nail our colours very firmly to the mast and look at the big picture. We've got to march to the beat of the drum. We are on a sticky wicket. I've been on permanent send for long enough and I've had my two cents worth. I don't want to rock the boat or teach anyone to suck eggs. We must keep this very firmly in our sight picture or it could fall between the cracks. I don't want to be seen to be re-arranging the deck chairs on the Titanic but if the cap fits, wear it. At the end of the day, it's like a big game of Space Invaders; the aliens are getting closer and if we don't zap them it'll be game over for the lot of us. There are a number of wolves close to the sledge, and alligators close to the canoe, which need to be shot. As you are aware, it's a bit like punching a cloud round here. The heads of shed often play fast and loose, so it's stand by to repel boarders, I'm afraid. Right! Unless anyone wants to flag-up any bullet points I'll be in my office. My door is always open and I'm as flexible as a palm tree in a hurricane. The ball is in your court; don't let the wheel come off. If it unravels, your arse is grass and I'm a lawn-mower.

[Old Ned]

One of the best bits of advice I've ever been given runs thus: "It doesn't matter what's transmitted, it's what received that counts!" I must admit, I use it often (too often) in meetings. Mind you, the new breed of 11 year old suits really don't understand "where I'm coming from"!!

Pip pip

ON

[TMJ]

Effective communication is short, sharp and to the point. Drill instructors set a good example... ;)

It seems the ABC of effective communication as taught at Cranditz is incrasingly ignored:

Accurate
Brief
Clear

[Green Flash]

Given the lack of kit at the sharp end the cash must be being spent on these purveyors of cr@p, who are probably quite rich by now.:hmm:





Wish I'd thought of it first .....

[Green Flash]

AIDU

My thoughts exactly!

I think.

I've got stop reading this stuff, my brain has started to fade

[Strictly Jungly]

Overheard recently, twice in one meeting, at a fabled nearby HQ..........

"This plan really needs to gain traction"
This is a cue for a Homer Simpson moment with creatures dancing inside your head as your eyes glaze over.........

and the latest import from GMTV to hit us is; "......this is absolutely key......"

The word absolutely is so over-used its untrue, but the "key" marlarkey is even worse.

I agree that we need to shift more paradigms....probably into a large unused former hangar in Bedfordshire..........

SJ

[wub]

The best definition I heard for the meaning of 'thinking out of the box', was to have an idea during the meeting and not in the toilet afterwards.

[plebby 1st tourist]

I think it's probably a bad idea to be reading this thread whilst writing someone's report!

[exscribbler]

Ee, it's good to see the military catching up with education - we were blighted for years with Key Stages, Key issues, Key Planning and just about Key Everybloodything else and for all I know the poor b*stards are still trying to operate under a shower of bullsh*t from national and local government.

"Failure is a Key Avoidance Matter," as a highly paid Director of Education once told me with great seriousness and with all the gravitas at her command. God help us all.

[PlasticCabDriver]

http://www.cynicalbastards.com/wankometer/


exscribblers's post scored:


Wank factor of 3.08 This level is classified as considerable.

Makes you wonder what it has to sound like to make 10.

[Sunfish]

Gentlemen, you need the web economy bull**** generator: http://dack.com/web/bull****.html

[Wingswinger]

Key Workers (much-loved by the present appalling bunch in government) =

1. Janitors.
2. Gaolers.
3. Locksmiths.

[BEagle]

Top site, Sunfish!

It came out with 'enable sticky niches' when I clicked the 'make bull****' tab.

Enable sticky niches......:E Nice! I'll go for that!

Isn't a docker (not him) a quay worker?

[GOLF_BRAVO_ZULU]

I thought that was a Chinese aircraft mechanic who works on a jetty?

[exscribbler]

Er... Is that a compliment? :confused:

[Green Flash]

It's a bl00dy miracle given the amount of guff contained therein!:eek:

[8-15fromOdium]

Tried some RAF webpages on: http://www.cynicalbastards.com/wankometer/

CAS gets a score of: 2.64 (Considerable)
Strategic Vision: 2.03 (Considerable)
Future of the RAF: 4.36 (Significant W***)
Airpower: 5.88 (High W***yness)

Look at that, free and accurate feedback without the need for a Balanced Scorecard and expensive consultants.

[BEagle]

Boy is this fun! Try this one:

The United Kingdom Military Flying Training system (UKMFTS) will deliver a cost effective, coherent, flexible and integrated tri-service training capability over a 25 year period to cater for the future flying training needs of the UK Armed Forces.

Perhaps unsurprisingly, this came out as 7.80 'Utter wanque'...

As for:

The Future Strategic Tanker Aircraft (FSTA) project, under the Private Finance Initiative (PFI), will provide a modern, cost-effective and fully integrated solution to our future Air-to-Air Refuelling and Strategic Air Transport requirements – good news for our armed forces, the taxpayer, and the UK economy.

Well, that scores an impressive 8.66 and is also considered to be 'Utter wanque'.

[Lancelot37]

At the end of the day - - it'll be midnight.

[Co-Captain]

In the style of Alan Sugar:

"MFTS - you're rationalised"

[hval]

What's wrong with Six Sigma? After all it works. Just look at Toyota who have used it for years...... "oh right, uhhhm yes".

Hval

[Melchett01]

Seems the Americans don't use the word 'box' any more. Apparently it has been officially replaced by container. So when you go flying on ops, you actually go into the container. And innovative thinking is now thinking outside the container.

Head is another word that has been replaced too - cranium. Missiles no longer have warheads, but warcraniums.

I didn't know whether to laugh or cry when I heard that at a meeting during the week. But it seems the otherwise seemingly normal and vaguely sane USAF Colonel was deadly serious.

[Flame Out]

carrying on with the theme of management speak, one instance sticks in my blue sky mind was a during a key management development session we needed to be faciliated to enable us to agree our processes for determing our key performance indicator processes...

Quite a long way into this torturous day I was asked not to smile so much as it unnerved the facilitator and he was unsure why I kept on doing it.

[BEagle]

The rather childish 'container' and 'cranium' nonsense seems to have originated in the F-15 world. They told us that it was to avoid offense to their wimmin....

So one day an official UK request was made for the Spams to stop using a word which was causing great offense to our girls. Anxious to avoid an incident, the dim-witted Spams (who can never sense a spoof coming) asked what the word was...

"Bush!"

Anyway, we said, if you cannot say 'box' or 'head', what do you call a German? A 'container-cranium'?

[L J R]

...so to speak..

[Landroger]

Beagle said:
Then there's 'Sixsigma'. Don't even try to understand that - if you cannot get off to sleep reading the AP&FS Newsletter or one of those non-absorbent Air Power propaganda magazines, try Googling Six Sigma....

Never have I read such utter horse**** which basically says that if you want something to work well, it must have been worked on by a high quality team.

How long before the meaningless management drivellers start adding six sigma crap to their wanqueword lexicons?


And Exrigger said:

Six Sigma would appear to have confused many who tried to integrate it into the Quality Management System, as it only works by bringing efficiency/savings into a production environment therefore increasing quality of product.

As it is complicated drivel they simplified it and gave it a nice easy to learn name and it became 'Lean' and most quality people stay well away from it all if they get half a chance.


And I was told this - which made me spit coffee on the screen:

A farmer was watching over his sheep one day, when a Range Rover drew up by the dry stone wall and a smart looking bloke in a suit got out, vaulted the gate and strode up to him.
“Beautiful view isn’t it?” He asked, looking out over the valley into the blue haze distance.
“It is that.” Said the farmer incuriously.
“Are those all your sheep?” He asked.
“’Tis some on ‘em.” Replied the farmer. The smart man thought for a moment.
“If I could tell you precisely how many sheep you’ve got, would you give me one of them?” It was the farmer’s turn to think and he thought hard. Not all the sheep could be seen from where they were standing, so he thought he was on pretty safe ground.
“Orlright. Youm tell me erzackly the roight number an’ you can ‘ave a sheep.”
The smart man returned to his Range Rover where he opened his laptop, plugged in the 3G card and booted it up, initialising a VPN connection. Logging on to his server, he established an up/down link with an earth resources satellite and, using a GPS position from his mobile phone, selected the area for review. In a few seconds he had outlined all the fields containing the sheep and launched an interactive image analysis programme from which, moments later, he exported the results to Excel and created both pie and bar charts. After correctly aligning his laptop IR window with the colour printer, he had a ten-page PowerPoint presentation in less than seven minutes. Whistling happily, he shut down his equipment and strode back to the farmer.
“Well now sir, if you look at sheet two, we can see you have a total of four hundred and eighteen sheep in three main subsets. Forty-five percent are in the top, northern field; thirty-two percent are in the western or middle field and twenty-two percent are in the southernmost, bottom field. The one percent residual are four sheep and a lamb that have wandered out of the middle field and are standing in the lane. The movement trend analysis - on page seven - shows that seventy-two percent of your sheep are moving slowly towards the north, while the remainder have hardly moved for almost thirty minutes.” He stood back, pleased with his presentation. The farmer was stunned, but impressed and, being an honest man, allowed him his sheep.
“Orlright – you win. Pick any sheep youm loike.” The smart man went off and was soon back at his Range Rover. A little later he returned to thank the farmer, who had been thinking.
“If I can tell you what youm do,” He asked shrewdly. “… would youm gimme my sheep back?” The smart man chuckled indulgently.
“Of course – that’s only fair.” The farmer smiled.
“Youm are a GE Corporate, Six-Sigma Black Belt and youm working on a Global Communications project.” It was the turn of the smart man to be stunned.
“Good grief! How on earth could you know that?” He asked. The farmer smiled again.
“’Cos for the last ten minutes, you been tryin’ to load my dog in the back of yor’ Range Rover!”

Roger.:ok:

[Krystal n chips]

As the (unwilling) recipient of TQM / BPR and Lean, and having the misfortune to meet some of these "Six Sigma Black Belts" ego's....read failed estate agent /used car salesman here....same capacity to produce utter bolleaux...I would like to dump every one on the ramp, in January, in lousy wx, at night and with a double brake change, toilet defects, galley defects and a u/s APU on three different aircraft....just to prove that you can't apply the principles to maintenance / rectification. :ugh:

Ironic really that Motorola who promoted the system used to produce radio's etc that were the equivalent of the end product of a chicken vindaloo with 6 onion bahji's and four pints of Guiness.

[Seldomfitforpurpose]

Force Elements at Readiness (FE@R) and Force Elements at Sustainability (FE@S) User Acquisition Organisations AOF UK MOD (http://www.aof.mod.uk/aofcontent/operational/org/user/user_generationfear.htm)

Now if that is not utter utter utter bolleaux I shall feed my nads into a blender :\

[1KOS]

Force Elements at Readiness (FE@R) and Force Elements at Sustainability (FE@S) User Acquisition Organisations AOF UK MOD (http://redirectingat.com/?id=42X487496&xs=1&url=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.aof.mod.uk%2Faofcontent%2Foperational%2 Forg%2Fuser%2Fuser_generationfear.htm&sref=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.pprune.org%2Fmilitary-aircrew%2F330661-meaningless-management-drivel-4.html)

Long time lurker but could not pass on this!
Open link & click on the "Change History" tab, (1 Nov 2009 remarks):confused:

[BEagle]

Good find - who on earth writes such complete and utter drivel?

[Finningley Boy]

My own time serving the colours was during the days of service speak rather than corporate management speak still. Therefore, equally annoying at the time but holding a certain nostalgia now were; SNAFU, Heads up, going for a bimble, endex, kicked into touch, Duty (insert any character defect or unusual personal appearance), FUBAR, the impossible we can do straight away, miracles take a little longer and "when the sierra hotel 1 tango hits the fan":ok:

FB

[Flame Out]

FB, very true, all walks of life have their own lexicon, somehow the TQM/modern management yuck-speak doesn't cut the mustard with me, or should I say ring true or is at sixes and sevens...

FO

[Landroger]

Part of the problem, as I see it, is that much if not all of this execrable managementspeak is American based. :yuk: Not, of itself, an utterly bad thing, but .... they neither use nor understand the nuances of the word bo11ocks. :=

They use 'bollix', in a very narrow and limited manner, to wit; "to bollix something" - meaning basically to break or ruin it, but they do not use 'bo11ocks' and thus do not understand the world of meaning and subtlety between "complete ... " and "the dog's ..." :ugh:

Roger.

[Geezers of Nazareth]

When I worked in IT about a decade ago I was in an American owned company, and they loved all this 'corporate speak'. They sent over a senior director to give us a lecture on his plans for the future of the company, and it included a large number of examples of this 'corporate bullsh!t'.

One of the ideas that he spoke about was that we would all be working as 'teams' rather than as 'individuals', and he had 'designed' (wtf?) an easy mnemonic to help us remember what it all stood for - Together Everyone Achieves More.
As a parting-shot to his presentation he ended with "Remember, there's no 'I' in TEAM".

GofN, expecting a round of applause to cover any comments, said (rather loudly), "Yeah, but there's a 'U' in c&nt!".

Unfortunately, the round of applause for the speaker was not forthcoming, and my comments were heard by most of the back 9 rows of a 10-row audience, including my boss.

What followed could be best described as a "hat's off, no tea and biscuits" meeting with my boss and *his* boss, and a few weeks later with a "here's a P45" meeting.

But, in my defence, all my co-workers congratulated me on what I'd said, wishing that they'd said it too.

[Capetonian]

To all employees


It will have been brought to your attention through normal channels of communication that a fundamental and far-reaching restructuring of our organisation is currently at this point in time under way.

Basically this concerns each and every employee and it is important that we all understand the new game plan and are seen to be singing from the same hymn book, in order to reinforce our global vision as a quality driven organisation.

It is essential that we run this by each and every single one of you in order that nobody should feel that they are out of the loop at any point in time, and I myself, as managing director, in terms of my remit, will make a point of touching base with you individually within the foreseeable future. In terms of timescale, whilst it is not at this stage possible to quantify a precise time lapse, as a ball park figure, you can expect these meetings to be on the agenda within the upcoming month.

We have undertaken an in-depth gap analysis, in keeping with our strategy as a result-driven client focused global player, on our business model, from which we have highlighted number of items which have been benchmarked to carry us on a fast track to a win-win situation. In terms of our best practice, we need to revisit our vision of employee empowerment to ensure a strategic fit which will, whilst we grow our business, ensure total commitment to value added service levels and a leverage towards an unprecedented bottom line in which you as shareholders will all participate.

A paradigm shift is envisaged whereby our mindset becomes more and more focussed in respect of our knowledge base and the enhancement that this will bring to our global vision through best use of available bandwidth.

It is only by thinking proactively outside the box that we can develop synergies which will allow us to mature to global leadership in our industry. Reflected in our mission statement, our enactment of this vision of the future will be the dynamo that at the end of the day drives us forward into the 21st. century.

[charliegolf]

Does body language count in this?

Does anyone remember the shift in the services from pointing an index finger and saying "Oi, you!", to the flat palm, 4 finger point?

Please tell me it wasn't as a result of some Neddy deciding that pointing might offend. (That was the case in the 80s with using expletives to subordinates, but no-one knew what expletives were, so no effect.)

CG

[Jumping_Jack]

The flat hand 4 finger point has always been described to me as the 'Warminster Point'. Normally used to identify 'volunteers' and a direction in which they were to 'double away'!

J_J

[F3sRBest]

also know in my time as the 'Cranwell Hand' :)

[top_cover]

From a few years ago and from an old thread:-

our intent in collocating ***** and *****, is to produce an organisation that will improve the effectiveness and efficiency of the RAF's contribution to the Defence Vision.
We will do this by building structures and mechanisms which facilitate cross-command planning and alignment as well as delivering shared services to both commands, all this underpinned by coherent end to end process ownership


WHAT?

[Lonewolf_50]

Seems the Americans don't use the word 'box' any more.
Sir, that is only in the USAF. Normal Americans don't play that game. (We play others, of course)
Apparently it has been officially replaced by container. So when you go flying on ops, you actually go into the container. And innovative thinking is now thinking outside the container.

When a nautical person needs to use the head, he need not use a containter more complex than a porcelain bowl ... this cause some wry amusement in my tour with the USAF. (I were USN at the time)
Head is another word that has been replaced too - cranium. Missiles no longer have warheads, but warcraniums. More USAF silliness.
I didn't know whether to laugh or cry when I heard that at a meeting during the week. But it seems the otherwise seemingly normal and vaguely sane USAF Colonel was deadly serious.
As noted above, it was due to the overuse of head and box in double entendres and wimmin in the cockpit.

So to speak ...

By the time I was done with my USAF assignment, I was ready to hit the overhead whenever I heard cranium or container in its silly context, so to speak, not to mention going downtown. I was tempted to grab a few of them by their stacking swivels and slam them against the bulkheads until they saw sense. ;)

[Capetonian]

Last night on ‘The Apprentice’.

Alan Sugar : “That’s not what I asked you for ...”

Candidate : “Uh, oh, er, OK, I’ll take that on board.”

Sugar : “What do you mean, take it on board, you’re not a bloody tanker ....?”

Guess who goes up in my estimation!

[vernon99]

Don't point - indicate!

Pointing at someone is rude.

Imagine scenario, briefing room, main man is all serious about this and that, and someone lets rip.

Now should he turn around and point at who he considers the culprit, and suggest he speak clearer if he has something to say, would be downright rude, and may lead to a false allegation and all the consequences involved. Ends up nasty.

All the better to turn around and indicate the general direction of the noise and inform the group that the noise maker may want to consider going for a crap as breaking wind is natures way of saying its time to drop the kids off at the pool.

[ExRAFRadar]

Done a stint in IT at a council. Now that was some serious bull being spoken.

The team had all of 8 people, 5 of them with the word 'Manager' in the title.

We used to have team meetings and this tw*t of a manager would take the 5 other so called managers for a pre team meeting, meeting. I kid you not.

Wish I had taped some of her drivel. It was a masterclass in how to talk the talk but not actually do or be responsible for anything.

[Melchett01]

As noted above, it was due to the overuse of head and box in double entendres and wimmin in the cockpit.

Lonewolf - if that is the case, the answer is obviously to take wimmin out of the cockpit ;)

Ex RAF Radar - she was probably ex-Army .... they also seem to be rather fond of their pre-meetings meetings.

[Pontius Navigator]

Lonewolf, if the pizza or fillet steak has just been served, and a scramble called, are you allowed a gobble?

[Wyler]

Quite often bring my dogs onto camp for as run as it has lots of grass and some woods. So do others.

We now need risk assessments for each dog. However, due to the workload of the H&S Section (gone from 2 to 11 in 3 years), you are to carry out your own risk assessment on your own dog(s). You are also required to put up signs to alert people that there is a dog nearby.

The e-mail had no less than 6 links to 6 different MOD documents covering domestic animals.

All in favour of making it clear you are responsible for your own dog and clean up after them. All that needs is a single line in Station Orders.

This kind of bollocks is becoming more commonplace and we are fast becoming another beauracratic leviathon that is unable to do anything.:ugh:

[Wander00]

Aah, how things have changed since the heady days when following a fatal fall on the sation, the Station Commander told an official from the H&S Executive to go away, or words to that effect

[bushveld]

But wait, there's more - even in aviation:

Sent from a friend


"Thought you would like to see the notice that British Airways sent to its

pilots explaining what we in the US refer to as the "monitored approach"

method where on an approach to very low visibility and ceiling one pilot

flys the approach and when the other pilot sees the runway, he takes the

plane and lands.

This removes the problem of the pilot having to make the transition from

flying instruments and at the last minute looking outside and getting his

bearings" as the other pilot is already "outside". If the pilot not

flying says nothing by the time they reach "minimums", the pilot flying

automatically starts the "go-around" procedure as he is still on

the instruments.

Now try this actual explanation of this procedure from the British Airways

manual:

===========================

*** British Airways Flight Operations Department Notice ***

There appears to be some confusion over the new pilot role titles.

This notice will hopefully clear up any misunderstandings. The titles P1,

P2, and Co-Pilot will now cease to have any meaning, within the BA

operations manuals. They are to be replaced by

Handling Pilot,

Non-handling Pilot,

Handling Landing Pilot,

Non-Handling Landing Pilot,

Handling Non-Landing Pilot, and

Non Handling Non-Landing Pilot.

The Landing Pilot, is initially the Handling Pilot and will handle the

take-off and landing except in role reversal when he is the Non-Handling

Pilot for taxi until the Handling Non-Landing Pilot, hands the handling to

the Landing Pilot at eighty knots. The Non-Landing (Non-Handling,

since the Landing Pilot is handling) Pilot reads the checklist to the

Handling Pilot until after Before Descent Checklist completion, when the

Handling Landing Pilot hands the handling to the Non-Handling Non-Landing

Pilot who then becomes the Handling Non-Landing Pilot.

The Landing Pilot is the Non-Handling Pilot until the "decision altitude"

call, when the Handling Non-Landing Pilot hands the handling to the

Non-Handling Landing Pilot, unless the latter calls "go-around", in which

case the Handling Non-Landing Pilot, continues Handling and the

Non-Handling Landing Pilot continues non-handling until the next call of

"land" or "go-around", as appropriate.

In view of the recent confusion over these rules, it was deemed necessary

to restate them clearly".

Got that?

[Bigt]

15 years ago yesterday I handed in the blue suit due to the increasing amount of C.R.A.P that was passing across my desk -

Constant
Recurring
Administrative
Paperwork

It appears nothing has changed in 15 years

[Chainkicker]

GoN

As a parting-shot to his presentation he ended with "Remember, there's no 'I' in TEAM"

I find the good old Brentism True, but if you look hard enough you will find a me always works well at pricking the pomposity without risking a P45 :ok:

[Mungo5]

"Remember, there's no 'I' in TEAM"

To which the standard response should always be:

There's no I in team, but there are four in "Platitude Quoting Idiot"

[Rigga]

...now I'm desperately trying to remember a line about Scunthorpe...


" ...we shall have to interface in a more direct manner..." said a previous boss. To which I replied -

"I'll try talking to them then."

[endplay]

Heard an MP on radio 4 today dismissing a dropped manifesto pledge as an "elision," as if that explained it all. To save you looking it up it's "an omission of a part or parts." Accurate I suppose but used to obfuscate.

[PPRuNe Pop]

There IS a no swearing policy in PPRuNe - don't push it guys. Ta!

[BEagle]

I've been looking for this amusing thread ever since I received an e-mail earlier today containing 'enablers', 'facilitating influence', 'multifaceted approach', 'holistic', 'common vision' and 'keep you copied in'.....:\

Typed it into the The Wankometer (http://www.cynicalbastards.com/wankotron) and it scored an off-the-scale figure of 11.0!

Why do people write this clichéd garbage - it just makes them sound daft!

[Roadster280]

Why do people write this clichéd garbage - it just makes them sound daft!

Indeed so, but so does some of the tripe seen on here such as "bolleaux".

Don't the wanquerres realise that writing such bolleaux makes them sound not just daft, but pretentious? It's obvious they mean "bollocks", so why not just say that?

[rarelyathome]

R280 see #104 :)

[Roadster280]

R280 see #104 :)

Fair one! I really hope it's just for the swear filter rather than a poseur version of the original word(s). It makes my teeth itch!

[langleybaston]

Drivel is not nouveaux, of course.

Here's a pretty little one, RAF Guetersloh SROs c. 1970:

"......... The persons to whom this instruction applies are to ............."

We searched high and low for definition of "the persons to whom".

[BEagle]

Roadster280, 'tis indeed to defeat nanny filters - the sort of things which change "Don't snigger at the people of Scunthorpe" into something rather meaningless.....

[A2QFI]

Corporate B.S. Generator (http://www.atrixnet.com/bs-generator.html)

[pax britanica]

Well, as a confirmed civilian, I think you guys have been fairly lucky compared to the civilian world or have you too had work done by the likes of Mc@@@@@sey and Company Consultants where a load of MBAs with little real experience report to your upper management how you could do things better than the current team. Highly regarded by other MBAs or people just out of touch with reality they have been responsible for numerous disasters and idiotic sackings and if you see that they have been caled in to Compnay X whose shares are sliding expect their demise to accelerate-they are very good however at making money for themselves.

I experienced this in one life where the division I ran and another were accused of the heinous charge of overlap and duplication on no more solid grounds because we both had the word Network in our division titles. Luckily I had a friend on the senior management 'oversight team and he reduced the Consultant responsible to a terrified jelly by snarling in his best native Maryhill Glaswegian-that 'you sonny would nae have a clue what a network is unless it hit ya on the f----g heid'

MBAs of course do not teach you how to deal with Glaswegians appearing to be on the verge of explosion into physical violence, so we heard no more of that.

Of course , and having done one myself and sponsored others , no MBA that I have seen has issues like
Upside-We kill a lot of people
Downside -We get killed.

I feel very sorry for you if you have to deal with this idiocy while trying to hold together what seems the very bare bones of defence forces, which as an earlier poster pointed out is not a profit making public company . It also cannot really use marketing and sales functions to any great degree and drafting the SLAs to cover outsourcing of combat missions (using best practice of course) would be an interesting exercise.

[teeteringhead]

Here's a pretty little one, RAF Guetersloh SROs c. 1970:

"......... The persons to whom this instruction applies are to ............."

We searched high and low for definition of "the persons to whom". Indeed so, langleyb, totally meaningless. In a similar vein, I recall a meeting in MoD with the Foreign Office some years ago, to try and decide - I think in an evacuation - where the responsibilities of the FO finished and those for the MoD began - and vice versa.

All eyes turned to Sir Humphrey from the FO... [my comments/stage directions in square brackets]

Sir H: Clearly [always a bad sign] ....... [long pause] ...the FO retains responsibility .......... [long pause] ..... in those areas .... [shorter pause] ... for which it is responsible. [answer ends!] :confused:

[Cows getting bigger]

I can almost cope with the buzzword nonsense but it is the brazen lying that gets me.

I've recently been involved in our company bidding for a piece of work. For argument's sake, lets assume that the task needs a capability of 10 crews and associated aircraft/equipment. So, our proposals team asks me along for some specialist advice. I point-out that we only have the capability to generate, at very best, 4 crews etc and it will take some time to increase to about 6 crews (I must admit, I fell into the trap and used the phrase "ramp up" :eek: ). Getting any more capability will take significant time, i.e. years. "Not a problem," says the team leader, "we'll just lie in the bid and sort it out after we get the contract".

The bit that is really bizarre? We'll probably get the contract, the customer will not complete any form of sensible due-diligence and in about a year's time we'll be sat around the table arguing over who did what and the customer will ultimately pay!

Welcome to the civilian world. :rolleyes:

[Fox3WheresMyBanana]

..and the lying is the major objection. The MBA I met who banged on continually about "deliverables" failed to deliver a d@mn thing, including several things he promised and set a deadline for.

[Exnomad]

Current policians seem to forget that the sort of "delivery" the RAF is supposed to do, is to deliver something that makes a big bang and leaves a large smoking hole.

[Haraka]

Fox.
The MBA brigade ( now increasingly being tumbled) , plus HR "practitioners' ( tumbled years ago ) , plus lap dog Accountants ( 6 months ahead only in vision , with eyes to the City) , plus a "Business Model" fable (good for the GMD in his annual report to blow smoke over the share holders ) seem still to constitute a mutually supporting and non-productive, clique of dominance in some quarters of industry.
Plus of course the employment, at great cost, of teams of "management consultants" ( also infected as above ) as part and parcel of the abrogation of responsibility and accountability to the responsibilities incumbent upon competent management
And all of the above constructs are usually peopled by individuals apparently considering themselves far too important to bother with , or to be qualified in or know anything about the real market requirements , technical personnel skills , design or manufacturing implications and applications for the products involved:other perceived qualifications seeming to be more important.
One certain GMD of a quite large blue chip company group I worked for was either the youngest RN Captain ( of a Corvette) on D-day, or the youngest RAF pilot Captain on the Berlin Airlift -- depending on the ( captive) audience in his presence. It transpired that he was also the only Member of the IEEE who had never heard of him. That Group,not surprisingly, collapsed in due course.


" If you have nine women, you can make a baby in a month".

[Fox3WheresMyBanana]

You see the problem with MBAs, HR, Accountants etc is that there are a few who actually know what they are doing. My BIL is an accountant. As FD, he didn't try to tell his Animal Feed employer how to sell Animal Feed. He did, however, sort the boring routine stuff like insurance. The plant and warehouse burnt down on Boxing Day one year. This is peak time for animal feed. The conversation with the CEO at 6 am went something like.

CEO "I'm ruined!"
BIL "No you aren't, we are insured"
CEO "But I'm only insured for £xxmillion"
BIL "I reviewed that in June. You are insured for £yymillion plus cover to buy in feed from elsewhere to keep your contracts going. We will in fact profit from this fire, but I didn't start it, honest!"
CEO "I'm saved. I want to have your babies!"

..and the insurance company tried to duck the payments and appointed an independent assessor....except the independent assessor was the guy who'd been appointed by BIL to do the review in June, because my BIL had checked that he was on the insurance company's list first.

Mind you, he doesn't like many other accountants. ;)

[Slow Biker]

I once received a letter from a sqn ldr containing the phrase 'sine qua non' followed by, in brackets, an explanation of the Latin phrase. Such arrogance I found common among HQ thrusters. Similarly, a wg cdr once 'praised' me for the correct use of the semicolon. I was not surprised at the sqn ldr, but I thought the wg cdr was better than that.

[Roadster280]

I once received a letter from a sqn ldr containing the phrase 'sine qua non' followed by, in brackets, an explanation of the Latin phrase. Such arrogance I found common among HQ thrusters. Similarly, a wg cdr once 'praised' me for the correct use of the semicolon. I was not surprised at the sqn ldr, but I thought the wg cdr was better than that.

For my sins, I was once a military instructor at a large MOD training school. My oppo was a civilian instructor (ex RAF Cpl, then a civil servant IO grade). The Chief Instructor (a Lt Col) sent out some missive or other, which came in the internal mail. Mick, never one to give a monkey's at the time, marked (as in school teacher marking homework) the memo in red pen and sent it back in the internal mail.

Result=one interview ohne tea & biccies with the CI.

[air pig]

Interesting debate;

HR, are usually a waste of space and tell them they are jumped up personnel officers and they would want to spit there dummies, usually that most of them have just had removed. Never learn or implement their own companies rules so when it comes to disciplinaries loose to the union rep. Never worked on the shop floor.

Accountants, know the cost of everything and value of nothing which includes the value that experienced staff bring. Think it's a good move to try to get rid of older staff. They know not the old 8 Squadron adage 'old age and treachery will always triumph over youth and skill'

Management consultants, employed by those who can't or will not manage but who can't manage themselves. Cost a lot of money, you can get the same results by talking to the staff who could tell you what is wrong and how to do it better.

Lastly managers, Those that can do the job that you ask your people to do is far more respected than those who say 'I'm telling you to get it done. Best managers stick up for their people even when it goes wrong. As I said to a former incompetent boss when I was an ICU shift boss, 'when it goes right they (team) get the praise, when it goes wrong the blame stops with me'. She really did not understand and looked at me blankly. Managers who come out with I have a brilliant idea and when told by the staff 'tried that 10 years ago didn't work then why will it work now'. Reminds me of Baldrick from Blackadder.

The NHS is a wonderful system but full of incompetent managers medical and non-medical unfortunately, usually because they will not make a decision but would rather for a committee, this merely devolves blame when it goes wrong.

Is the Armed forces any better, I suspect not these days.

[Toadstool]

The latest bullish*t phrase seems to be something like "so, the crocodiles in the water are..

It appears that someone higher up may have said this, and it has now permeated into normal speak among Force HQs and Sqn Ldrs-Wng Cdrs.

FFS, when did we lose the ability, given we are ultimately trying to kill the enemy or get trying to get the enemy killed, to speak clearly and plainly.

Speaking bullish*t bingo does not make you more up to date, it just makes you look like a plonker.

[Fox3WheresMyBanana]

'when it goes right they (team) get the praise, when it goes wrong the blame stops with me'

Nail. Head. :ok:

There is no other way to lead.

[air pig]

F3WMB, learnt that before I went to Sleaford Tech on SERE Course in the 80s, carried me through and ever since. Pity it never included certain 'airships', helicopters and mighty Hunters in the past come to mind, relating to lack of leadership.

[Roland Pulfrew]

or have you too had work done by the likes of Mc@@@@@sey and Company Consultants

Nope, Defence has been Mc***seyed as well :yuk:. Your description of what happens when they turn up and who they impress is spot on as well :ugh:.

MBA brigade ( now increasingly being tumbled) , plus HR "practitioners' ( tumbled years ago ) , plus lap dog Accountants ( 6 months ahead only in vision , with eyes to the City) , plus a "Business Model" fable (good for the GMD in his annual report to blow smoke over the share holders ) seem still to constitute a mutually supporting and non-productive, clique of dominance in some quarters of industry.

I have never understood the need for "mission statements" and "visions" in Defence either. Too many people spend too long worrying about rubbish like this rather than just getting on and delivering the desired end result. No-one really cares; most just want to get on with the job. Now we have another new era with mandates and SROs all as a result of the latest in trend - MSP.

[dallas]

I have never understood the need for "mission statements" and "visions" in Defence either. Too many people spend too long worrying about rubbish like this rather than just getting on and delivering the desired end result. No-one really cares; most just want to get on with the job. Now we have another new era with mandates and SROs all as a result of the latest in trend - MSP.
Totally. I couldn't stand seeing all these superfluous new initiatives water down the core product (hmm, I think I just stepped on my own mine there), attracting funding and manpower while I saw aircraft sat on the ground, devoid of spares, engineers or pilots - but the 'LGBT Committee'* was in a shiny new office with a Sqn Ldr, 2 Flt Lts and 3 airmen. I used to compare it to a housemartins' nest, where additional levels of sh1t just kept getting added to the model in a random way, up until the core is hollow and it eventually falls off the wall. (I'm happy for any passing air ranks to brand that if it refocuses things :))

*That's a throwaway fictional example...I think??

[Fox3WheresMyBanana]

In defence of McK....sey, they tell their employers what they want to hear, in the language they want to hear it in.
One of my top students went to work for them as a consultant, and she knew how to lead properly 'cos I taught her to in the CCF.
Basically, McK..sey provide a buffer between management and shareholders (or senior management and top management). If what happens goes wrong, the management that called them in can blame McK...sey ("We picked the best! It's who our competitors use!"). If it works, the management takes the credit for hiring them.
Anyone with half a brain within the company could tell them what needs doing, but senior management don't listen to them. They have to pay $2million before they'll listen. It's like buying a full year's gym membership on January 2nd to loose some flab, so the expense will make you feel guilty if you don't use it.

The problem is with the senior managers, who do not know how to lead, and cannot manage when the resources are insufficient for all the tasks, as Air Pig rightly says.

[Heathrow Harry]

yeah - I know some people in that trade

FIRST thing is a Senior Partner (or two) meets the MD/CEO/Board and finds out what is bugging them and what they want

the rest of the work by the consulting troops is expensive back-up and provision of CMA documentation in the approved yuck-speak of the day with lots of graphs

and surprise surprise the conclusions are..................

[Pontius Navigator]

We had a mission statement (before they were a pair of words)

We Aim to Please
You Aim too please

(Wing Weapons Waddington)

We also had a vision

You play ball with me
Or I'll stuff the bat right up your A...

Today some wordsmith spends hours crafting and honing a few trite words that no one ever reads.

Any one remember

Professional Results in Daily Endeavors?

Our my police favourite

Pride Integrity Guts?