GayFriendly
8th Jun 2008, 04:52
What with rising oil prices and an economy seemingly going into freefall, some would say that the days of cheap flights and Mr and Mrs Anybody jetting off to an unpronounceable city somewhere in Europe for a minibreak are well and truly over. Should this indeed be the case and airports that thrive on such business find their route networks shrink to nothing this tongue in cheek article points the way forward.
These ARE NOT my personal opinions and of course with the recent collapse of Silverjet amongst others, I am aware that there are many in the aviation industry who find themselves out of work or indeed are worried about their future if still in work, which is no laughing matter at all.
From The Guardian, 08/06/08, Author: Armando Iannucci
Following the collapse of the airline industry, it's about time someone came up with a handy guide to what to do with all the empty airports that are going to start cluttering up the world's outskirts. I've asked a few experts to come up with a 101 solutions and here is a selection of their best suggestions.
1. Just as farmers who faced economic collapse were told to diversify into other crafts and services, opening up dairy shops or bed and breakfasts, so too should airport authorities be encouraged to find alternative, more creative, uses of their land. Such as farming. Airports are mostly grass, suitable for sheep or wheat, while runways are a useful place to park tractors. The planes would make excellent stables. Some airlines such as easyJet already do this and larger operations such as British Airways could downsize effectively by operating each aircraft as a half-plane, half-cowshed service.
2. Venue for hen nights. Why go for a stretch-limo cruise through Leeds on a Saturday night when you and your girlfriends could club together to pay for a stretch-Boeing 747 to taxi up and down the M62 to and from Leeds Bradford airport for a couple of hours?
3. Use the revolving satellite dish at the top of the air traffic control tower as a tether for a giant game of swingball.
4. Use airports as venues for murder mystery weekends. Ten thousand of you and your friends gather on a Friday night and a senior airport official is murdered. You have 48 hours to solve the mystery. Clues are hidden in bags of luggage, which are then scattered randomly across 10 other airports.
5. Have airport announcers set up a new inquiry service like Ask Jeeves, in which they answer any query you like. They give the answer over the airport Tannoy system which means you have to turn up at the airport to hear it. It is recommended you turn up at least two hours before your answer is due.
6. Runways to be used as a venue for an exciting new twist to Formula One. Fifty cars have to hurtle at top speed all along the runway, then do a three-point turn at the end and come back again. A hundred times. Potentially fatal. Richard Hammond to stand in the middle of all this, for some reason.
7. Tall World. New adventure theme park for short people. They walk along the roads near airports that have specially shortened street lighting because of incoming planes and this way experience what the world would be like if they were a bit taller.
8. Retrain air traffic controllers to issue instructions to bees looking for pollen.
9. All the above ideas are rendered pointless by an economist who discovers that the prohibitive cost of airline fuel is more than outweighed by the enormous quantities of money airports make from the vast quantities of magazines, sweets, books and camera batteries we feel the need to buy 30 minutes before our flight. He concludes that if all airports simply replaced their planes and runways with more book, magazine, sweet and photo shops, they'll stay in business for the next 13 decades
These ARE NOT my personal opinions and of course with the recent collapse of Silverjet amongst others, I am aware that there are many in the aviation industry who find themselves out of work or indeed are worried about their future if still in work, which is no laughing matter at all.
From The Guardian, 08/06/08, Author: Armando Iannucci
Following the collapse of the airline industry, it's about time someone came up with a handy guide to what to do with all the empty airports that are going to start cluttering up the world's outskirts. I've asked a few experts to come up with a 101 solutions and here is a selection of their best suggestions.
1. Just as farmers who faced economic collapse were told to diversify into other crafts and services, opening up dairy shops or bed and breakfasts, so too should airport authorities be encouraged to find alternative, more creative, uses of their land. Such as farming. Airports are mostly grass, suitable for sheep or wheat, while runways are a useful place to park tractors. The planes would make excellent stables. Some airlines such as easyJet already do this and larger operations such as British Airways could downsize effectively by operating each aircraft as a half-plane, half-cowshed service.
2. Venue for hen nights. Why go for a stretch-limo cruise through Leeds on a Saturday night when you and your girlfriends could club together to pay for a stretch-Boeing 747 to taxi up and down the M62 to and from Leeds Bradford airport for a couple of hours?
3. Use the revolving satellite dish at the top of the air traffic control tower as a tether for a giant game of swingball.
4. Use airports as venues for murder mystery weekends. Ten thousand of you and your friends gather on a Friday night and a senior airport official is murdered. You have 48 hours to solve the mystery. Clues are hidden in bags of luggage, which are then scattered randomly across 10 other airports.
5. Have airport announcers set up a new inquiry service like Ask Jeeves, in which they answer any query you like. They give the answer over the airport Tannoy system which means you have to turn up at the airport to hear it. It is recommended you turn up at least two hours before your answer is due.
6. Runways to be used as a venue for an exciting new twist to Formula One. Fifty cars have to hurtle at top speed all along the runway, then do a three-point turn at the end and come back again. A hundred times. Potentially fatal. Richard Hammond to stand in the middle of all this, for some reason.
7. Tall World. New adventure theme park for short people. They walk along the roads near airports that have specially shortened street lighting because of incoming planes and this way experience what the world would be like if they were a bit taller.
8. Retrain air traffic controllers to issue instructions to bees looking for pollen.
9. All the above ideas are rendered pointless by an economist who discovers that the prohibitive cost of airline fuel is more than outweighed by the enormous quantities of money airports make from the vast quantities of magazines, sweets, books and camera batteries we feel the need to buy 30 minutes before our flight. He concludes that if all airports simply replaced their planes and runways with more book, magazine, sweet and photo shops, they'll stay in business for the next 13 decades