Uniquely Canadian jokes...

[ipanema]

1. Jean Chretien has been described (on a satirical comedy show) as the only Pime Minister of Canada who does not speak either Offical language fluently.

:)


Found elsewhere...

2. Prime Minister Jean Chretien flies to England for an audience with the Queen. At afternoon tea he brings up his grand plans for the future of Canada.

"Your majesty", he begins, "May we convert Canada into a Kingdom in order to increase its status in the world?"

The Queen shakes her head and replies, "One needs a King for a Kingdom, and you are most certainly not a King, Mr Chretien."

Not to be dissuaded, he asks "Would it possible to be an Empire then?"

"No", retorts the Queen, "you need an Emperor for an Empire, and you are most certainly not an Emperor".

"Aw, shucks, what about a Principality then?" tries JC.

Predictably the Queen replies, "You need a Prince for a Principality, Mr. Chretien, and you are most certainly not a Prince."

While JC thinks about this, Her Majesty takes a sip of tea and then adds, "Mr Chretien, having met you and several other Canadians, I think Canada is perfectly suited to being a country."

:)

[ 16 January 2002: Message edited by: ipanema ]</p>

[pigboat]

How about "now there is something rotten in the state of Denmark."

Or "what the hell did the Danes do to us to deserve this?"

[Lu Zuckerman]

Two Newfies were discussing the secession of Quebec from Canada. One said that would really save him a lot of gas in his trucking business. How’s that asked the first man? The second man replied that with Quebec gone he would be that much closer to Ontario.

[ipanema]

An old one that many people still have not seen... and don't get right away if the joke is told in conversation with a straight face!

--

Newfoundland's worst air disaster occurred this morning when a small two-seater Cessna 152 plane crashed into a cemetery early this afternoon in central Newfoundland.

Newfoundland search and rescue workers have recovered 250 bodies so far and expect the number to climb as digging continues into the evening.

[ipanema]

Osama Bin Laden was sitting in his cave wondering whom to invade next when his telephone rang.

"Hallo there, Mr. Laden" a heavily accented voice said. "This is Archie, down 'ere at the Harp Seal Pub in Badger's Cove, Newfoundland, Canada. I am callin' to tells ya dat we are officially declaring war on ya!"

"Well, Archie," Osama replied. "This is indeed important news! How big is your army?"

"Right now," said Archie, after a moment's calculation "dere is myself, my cousin Harold, my next door neighbour Mick, and the whole dart team from the pub. That makes eight!"

Osama pause. "I must tell you, Archie, that I have one million men in my army waiting to move on my command."

"Oh shoots", said Archie. "I'll have ta call ya back!".

Sure enough, the next day, Archie called again. "Mr. Laden, the war is still on! We have managed to acquire some infantry equipment."

"And what equipment would that be, Archie?", Osama asked.

"Well, sir, we have two combines, a bulldozer and Harry's farm tractor."

Osama sighed. "I must tell you, Archie, that I have 16,000 tanks and 14,000 armored personnel carriers. Also, I've increased my army to 1.5
million since we last spoke".

"Lard tunderin' Jesus, bye", said Archie, "I'll have to get back to ya".

Sure enough, Archie rang again the next day. "Mr. Laden, the war is still on! We have managed to get ourselves airborne! We up and modified Harigan's ultry-light with a couple of shotguns in the old cockpit there, and four byes from the Legion have jined us as well!".

Osama was silent for a minute and then cleared his throat. "I must tell you, Archie, that I have 10,000 bombers and 20,000 fighter planes. My military complex is surrounded by laser-guided, surface-to-air missile sites. And since we last spoke, I've increase my army to TWO MILLION!".

"Jesus, Mary, and Joseph!", said Archie, "I'll have ta call youse back."

Sure enough, Archie called again the next day. "How you doing, my son! Bye, I am sorry to have to tell you dat we have had to call off this 'ere war."

"I'm sorry to hear that," said Osama. "Why the sudden change of heart?"

"Well, sir," said Archie, "we've all sat ourselves down and had a long chat over a bunch of pints of Tenpenny, and come to realise dat there's no way we can feed two million prisoners."

[Davaar]

This thread could never be complete without the two great Canadian rib-splitter thigh-slappers:

1. The Elephant. Three students, one American, one German, and one Canadian, are set an essay topic: The Elephant. The American turns in a paper; "The Elephant-Its Cultivation for Pleasure and Profit". The German hands in: "The Elephant-Its Strategic and Tactical Value in War". Then the Canadian turns up with six volumes on: "The Elephant-A Federal or Provincial Responsibility?"

That one is mandatory to every political speech. I first heard it in the RMS Ivernia in 1960, and was naturally left helpless. I heard one premier use it at three successive meetings. The audience laughs loyally.

2. The Fork. This one is told of the Duke of Windsor, the Duke of Edinburgh, HRH the Prince of Wales. The longer one lives the longer the list becomes. The Duke is at a formal dinner in Canada and the dishes are being cleared away after the main course. His knife and fork are neatly on the plate. "Keep your fork, Duke", says the waitress "You're having pie". What a riot! They usually have ambulances on standby for this one.

[ipanema]

Newfies again... borrowed from elsewhere, without apologies!!!

--

A large group of Taliban soldiers are moving down a road when they hear a voice call from behind a sand-dune. "One Newfie soldier is better than ten Taliban."

The Taliban commander quickly sends 10 of his best soldiers over the dune, where upon a gun-battle breaks out and continues for a few minutes, then... silence.

The voice then calls out: "One Newfie soldier is better than one hundred Taliban. "Furious, the Taliban commander sends his next best 100 troops over the dune and instantly a huge gunfight commences. After 10 minutes of battle, again... silence.

The Newfie voice calls out again: "One Newfie soldier is better than one thousand Taliban.
The enraged Taliban Commander musters one thousand fighters and sends them across the dune.
Cannon, rocket and machine gun fire ring out as a huge battle is fought. Then... silence.

Eventually one wounded Taliban fighter crawls back over the dune and with his dying words tells his commander:

"Don't send any more men, its a trap! There's two of them."


:)

[Lu Zuckerman]

This happened in Michigan and that is a stones throw from Canada:

This had most of the state of Michigan laughing for 2 days... and a
very embarrassed female news anchor who will, in the future, likely
think before she speaks...
What happens when you predict snow but don't get any? Here is a true
story...
A female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have snowed
and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked, "So Bob, where's that 8
inches you promised me last night?"
Not only did he have to leave the set, but half the crew did too, they
were laughing so hard!

[pigboat]

Bought a new snow blower the other day, but I think it once belonged to Joe Clark. Cylinder head is stamped "cast iron bore."

[HighRoller]

A newfie checks into a five star hotel. Goes straight into the penthouse suite and proceeds to call the front desk. "Excuse me der lady. could ya be sendin' me up some pepper please"?. . "Well sir, we are a five star hotel. What kind of pepper do you require? We have chile pepper,. .cayan pepper, black pepper, white pepper. Sir what pepper do you require?"asks the desk clerk.

"Toilet pepper"! :)

[v3]

Ipenema,

Did you notice that Virgin has ordered 10 A340-600? Did you notice Southwest Airlines is planning to hire 4000 new staff this year? Do you know what going on with Canada 3000 and the new cargo division? What about Air Canada western low cost carrier? ....The jokes belong elsewere!!!!

Cheers.

[canadair]

V3:. .lighten up! are you paying for this site personally, and the space it takes? . .no, so what do you care if someone puts up a joke topic?. .Regards the industry, ya, exactly, there is about 5000 posts on here about pretty much everything you mentioned, so where`s the problem?!!. .you want to talk about C3? start a topic, title it . ." just another Canadian aviation distater"

I am soooo glad I never went there, Europe is looking better every day!!. .By the way, are you German? you know the complete lack of any sense of haha.

[Lu Zuckerman]

This is a question not a Joke.

I grew up on the South Shore of Lake Erie and every spring we were invaded by swarms of May Flies. On the West end of Lake Erie these May Flies were so thick on the roads that heavy trucks would skid off the road. The people in Ohio called these May Flies Canadian Soldiers. What were they called on the North Shore in Ontario?

[ 23 February 2002: Message edited by: Lu Zuckerman ]</p>

[ipanema]

Not uniquely Canadian, but a damn good waste of time anyway... !!

--

CUBA, SUDAN, SERBIA FORM AXIS OF SOMEWHAT EVIL; OTHER NATIONS START OWN CLUBS

Beijing: Bitter after being snubbed for membership in the "Axis of Evil," Libya, China, and Syria today announced they had formed the "Axis of Just as Evil," which they said would be way eviler than that stupid Iran-Iraq-North Korea axis President Bush warned of his State of the Union address.

Axis of Evil members, however, immediately dismissed the new axis as having, for starters, a really dumb name.

"Right. They are Just as Evil... in their dreams!" declared North Korean leader Kim Jong-il. "Everybody knows we're the best evils... best at being evil ... we're the best."

Diplomats from Syria denied they were jealous over being excluded, although they conceded they did ask if they could join the Axis of Evil.

"They told us it was full," said Syrian President Bashar al-Assad.

"An Axis can't have more than three countries," explained Iraqi President Saddam Hussein. "This is not my rule, it's tradition. In World War II you had Germany, Italy, and Japan in the evil Axis. So you can only have three. And a secret handshake. Ours is wicked cool."

THE AXIS PANDEMIC

International reaction to Bush's Axis of Evil declaration was swift, as within minutes, France surrendered.

Elsewhere, peer-conscious nations rushed to gain triumvirate status in what became a game of geopolitical chairs.

Cuba, Sudan and Serbia said they had formed the Axis of Somewhat Evil, forcing Somalia to join with Uganda and Myanmar in the Axis of Occasionally Evil, while Bulgaria, Indonesia and Russia established the Axis of Not So Much Evil Really As Just Generally Disagreeable.

With the criteria suddenly expanded and all the desirable clubs filling up, Sierra Leone, El Salvador, and Rwanda applied to be called the Axis of Countries That Aren't the Worst But Certainly Won't Be Asked to Host the Olympics; Canada, Mexico and Australia formed the Axis of Nations That Are Actually Quite Nice But Secretly Have Nasty Thoughts About America; while Spain, Scotland, and New Zealand established the Axis of Countries That Be Allowed to Ask Sheep to Wear Lipstick.

"That's not a threat, really, just something we like to do," said Scottish Executive First Minister Jack McConnell.

While wondering if the other nations of the world weren't perhaps making fun of him, a cautious Bush granted approval for most axes, although he rejected the establishment of the Axis of Countries Whose Names End in "Guay," accusing one of its members of filing a false application. Officials from Paraguay, Uruguay, and Chadguay denied the charges.

Israel, meanwhile, insisted it didn't 't want to join any Axis, but privately, world leaders said that's only because no one asked them.

[pigboat]

The federal government has voted against making the house in Owen Sound where Billy Bishop grew up a national historic site. They have just authorized one hundred and twenty five million Northern Pesos to set up a scholarship in the name of Pierre Trudeau. If that ain't a f*****g joke, I don't know what is. <img src="tongue.gif" border="0">

[Burnout18]

pigboat,

I think they just reversed the decision on Billy Bishop's Home. Nonetheless, its still amazing that it took that much thought and debate to make it happen. Only in Canada...

[pigboat]

Pass the tequila Shelia, and lay down and love me ag'in! :)

[bearcat88]

Ipanema,. .Nice contribution. Made me laugh out loud. Thanks.. .88

[ipanema]

A man walked into the produce section of his local supermarket and asked to buy half a head of lettuce. The boy working in that department told him that they only sold whole heads of lettuce. The man was insistent that the boy ask his manager about the matter.. .. .Walking into the back room, the boy said to his manager, "Some asshole wants to buy a half a head of lettuce." As he finished his sentence, he turned to find the man standing right behind him, so he added, "and this gentleman kindly offered to buy the other half.". .. .The manager approved the deal and the man went on his way.. .. .Later the manager found the boy and said "I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier. We like people who think on their feet here. Where are you from, son?". .. ."Canada, sir," the boy replied.. .. ."Well, why did you leave Canada," the manager asked.. .. .The boy said, "Sir, there's nothing but whores and hockey players up there.". .. ."Really!" said the manager. "My wife is from Canada!". .. .The boy replied, "No **** ??? Who did she play for?"

[punt]

When me prayers were poorly said . . Who tucked me in me widdle bed . . And spanked me till me arse was wed . . . . Me Mudder . .. . Who took me from me cozy cot . . And put me on the ice cold pot . . And made me pee if I could not . . . . Me Mudder . .. . And when the morning light would come . . And in me crib me dribbled some . . Who wiped me tiny widdle bum . . . . Me Mudder . .. . Who would me hair so neatly part . . And hug me gently to her heart . . Who sometimes squeezed me till me fart . . . . Me Mudder . .. . Who looked at me with eyebrows knit . . And nearly have a king size fit . . When in me Sunday pants me s*** . . . . Me Mudder . .. . When at night her bed did squeak . . Me raised me head to have a peak . . Who yelled at me to go to sleep . . . . Me Fadder!. . . . <small>[ 16 March 2002, 13:15: Message edited by: CutDog ]</small>