PDA

View Full Version : Fictional Training Critique - Joke


albatross
12th Jan 2008, 02:16
Training Critique
3 Jan 08
A/C Type: Bung Verti-Leap 2000A REG: C-GSOS

Exercise: VFR Circuits to Misery Airport followed by NDB ARA, Holds, and Night Offshore landings to Semi Sub “SS Foulbottom” located in Doom Gurgle Straits.
Total Flight time 1.9 Hrs.

Instructor: Capt. Bald Eagle
Student: FO Ham Fist

While the objects of the exercises were eventually accomplished I wish to bring to the attention of the company the actions of Capt Eagle which, in my opinion, severely jeopardized the flight.

The initial start, takeoff and circuit went well but Capt. Eagle’s continual reading of checklists was distracting.

Steep turns at 1000 ft on downwind were carried out – while I freely admit that 60 Deg of bank was a bit excessive we never exceeded VNE and recovery was made well before water impact – I do not think we ever got below 100 ft and Capt. Eagle’s turning on of the windshield wipers to get the salt spray off the windscreen was theatrical to say the least and also exceeded the windshield wiper Vno. I also disagree with Capt. Eagle’s assessment of the recovery from the altitude excursion – I don’t think we pulled more than 2 G’s and never exceeded 45deg nose up.

The cruise to the SS Foulbottom went smoothly but Capt. Eagle’s muttering about his wife’s becoming a widow and his children orphans was a distraction.

I have not much to say about the Holds and ARA – Capt. Eagle’s assessment of “wandering all over the sky” is harsh to say the least. His request for radar vectors to the hold was, in my opinion, unnecessary and distracting.

As to the night approaches I feel his girlish screams and cries of “PAN, PAN”, MAYDAY, MAYDAY”, “We are going to die!” and “God, I want to live!” were in violation of the “sterile cockpit” rule.

These distractions led to minor deviations from the nominal flight path but thanks to my 7 deg. nose up attitude and the fortuitous errors of neither lowering the gear nor arming the floats the helicopter bounced nicely off the water with no harm done.

At this point Capt. Eagle became violent and his frantic attempts to override my control inputs led me to hit him with the OMB and, when this failed to subdue him, the RFM (Parts 1 and 2).These actions calmed him down.

Once on the deck I was forced to use the tie wraps from the MEL kit to restrain Capt. Eagle in order that his thrashing around did not further distract me. The lightning flashes from the approaching CB were disconcerting enough.

I completely disagree with his assessment of the night circuits! He was only semi-conscious at the time and the tears probably impeded his view of events.
I think my take-off technique of a rapid climb to 50 ft followed by a rapid rotation to 25 deg. nose down and application of 120 AEO “Blow Away” Torque leads to enhanced acceleration past CDP, VTOSS and VBROC. (Care is needed to insure that the floats are selected “OFF” prior to 80 KTS). The very positive climb rate achieved is most exhilarating! The Company could well consider implementing this procedure as SOP.

I further disagree with Capt. Eagle’s opinion as to the logging of night landings offshore! Due to his arbitrary and narrow interpretation of the rules I could only log 4 offshore night landings instead of the possible 16 if “bounces” were allowed. The Company should review this policy.

The flight back to shore was mostly routine except that Capt Eagle’s thrashing around led to the inadvertent switching off of both generators and the failure of my PFD requiring the tedious task of some partial panel flying using the Standby ASI, ALT, Horizon and Compass.

Order had nearly been restored as we commenced a normal night approach to runway 02.
Once more, however, I disagree with Capt. Eagle – the approach light was burned out before I hit it! The Airport Authority should be advised to insure all approach lights are serviceable. Flight safety could be compromised!

Capt. Eagle’s failure to remind me to check that the parking brake was off and his insistence that I “Get this aircraft on the ground ASAP!” led to a more rapid deceleration from my 50 Knot touchdown speed to 0 groundspeed than is normal. This was, however, an excellent test of the Bung Verti-Leap 2000A brakes and landing gear. Capt. Eagle’s calling me a “Twisted Maniac” was not in the best traditions of CRM and he should be censured for the use of such derogatory comments.

The Airport Authority is to be praised for the rapid, albeit unnecessary, dispatch of the fire equipment and ambulance.

The subsequent taxi, which was bumpy due to the flattened wheels, was otherwise normal except for the smoke from the brakes.

The shutdown went well but Capt. Eagle’s continued insistence on use of the check list was, by this time of the evening, tedious to say the least.

I also think his action of kissing the ground was just more theatrics on his part and was uncalled for. It caused some concern on the part of the engineers.

I was kind enough to fill out the training forms but Capt. Eagle’s insistence that they contained nothing but fabrications, outright lies and constituted fraud was disappointing to say the least.
He did eventually agree to sign. However I think that my kind offer to show his children “how an anchor works” if he did not sign does not constitute “Blackmail” in any binding legal sense. His wild accusations would only be hearsay evidence anyway.

I regret the damage to the CVR and do not know how the Fire Axe slipped as it did – the bracket should be inspected more closely in the future. I have no knowledge of the present location of the HUMS card. – The tide could have taken it anywhere.

I hope that the Training Dept. will properly counsel Capt. Eagle, once he leaves the asylum, in order to insure that future training flights proceed more smoothly.

Sincerely and in the interests of Flight Safety.
FO Ham Fist

the delaminator
12th Jan 2008, 05:05
Somebody has a bit too much time on his hands. Time for a meeting of the liars club?

the delaminator
12th Jan 2008, 05:08
Funny though.

albatross
12th Jan 2008, 09:43
Yes it is time for a meeting of the Liars Club.
Talked to the home front the other day and they are continuing their meetings and the usual club activities of decreasing the supply of Beer, Rum, Gin, Vodka, assorted other booze and fine wines in the local area and supporting poor barmaids and waitresses.
Such a kindhearted group - brings a tear to the eye!:E