View Full Version : Aviation Jokes


bluenose81huskys
17th Sep 2007, 03:13
HERE IS A FEW FLYING JOKES FOR YA, ENJOY!!!!!!!!!!


A BA 747 pilot had waited for take off clearance for 45 minutes. A German 737 was cleared immediately. The BA pilot asked the tower why the German aircraft had been given clearance at once. Before the tower could reply, the German pilot came back with "Because I got up very early in the morning and put a towel on the runway!". My son, when learning to fly proudly announced that he had landing taped except the last 30 feet!
A pilot has engine trouble and lands in a field. As he walks around the plane to check out the problem, he hears a voice behind him say, "You have a clogged fuel line." Looking around, he sees no one, except a cow. Startled out of his wits, he runs across the field to the farmer's house and pounds on the door. When the farmer appears at the door, the out-of-breath pilot stammers that his cow has just talked--and even tried to explain what was wrong with the airplane.
The farmer drawled, "Was it a brown cow?" "Yes." "Did it have a white patch on its forehead?" "Yes, yes, that's the one." "OK, that's Flossie. Don't pay no attention to her. She doesn't know nothin' about aeroplanes."

During the barnstorming era, a pilot is giving rides at the county fair in his open-cockpit airplane. A farmer and his wife stroll up to ask how much he charges. "That's outrageous!" exclaims the farmer, "Do you have any idea how much feed I can buy for five dollars?" When the farmer rants on about government regulation, taxes, bad weather, cost of repairs, and low crop yields, the pilot finally says, "I'll tell you what. I'll take you and your wife both for a ride if you can sit through the entire flight without saying a word. But if I hear even one sound from you, you'll pay double." The farmer agrees.
So the pilot stuffs them both into the rear seat and takes off.
After a couple of barrel rolls and loops, the pilot doesn't hear anything, so he starts into some serious aerobatics. But even after a few snap rolls, hammerheads, split S manoeuvres, and sustained inverted flight, the farmer doesn't talk, yell or cry out. When they returned to the field and landed, the pilot turned around to the farmer and said, "Well, I've got to hand it to you. I didn't think you could do it, but you got your free flight." The farmer replied, "I know, but for a minute I thought you had me there when my wife fell out."

The scene is a newspaper office. The editor says to one of his reporters: There's a fire raging out of control west of town and I want you to get out there fast. And above all, get some good shots. If that means you have to hire an airplane, just do it. Don't worry about the expense.
So, the reporter calls the local FBO and orders a plane. He rushes out to the airport, spots a small aircraft with a young pilot in it, pulls open the door, jumps in and says to the pilot: Let's go, take off. As directed, the pilot takes off, gets up to altitude, and the reporter then tells him, "See that fire raging to the west? I want you to fly over that and get down as close as you can."
Incredulous, the pilot says, "You want me to fly over that fire?"
"Sure," the reporter says, "I am a photojournalist and that's why I am here--to take dramatic shots of the fire!"
The pilot looks over with a quizzical look on his face and says, "You're not the flight instructor?"
"Renting airplanes is like renting sex: It's difficult to arrange on short notice on Saturday, the fun things always cost more, and someone's always looking at their watch."

One day, the pilot of a Cherokee 180 was told by the tower to hold short of the runway while a DC-8 landed. The DC-8 landed, rolled out, turned around, and taxied back past the Cherokee.
Some quick-witted comedian in the DC-8 crew got on the radio and said:
"What a cute little plane. Did you make it yourself?"
Our hero the Cherokee pilot, not about to let the insult go by, came back with a real zinger: "I made it out of DC-8 parts. Another landing like that and I'll have enough parts for another one."

Q: What do pilots use for birth control?
A: Their personality.
ENGINEER: I don't quite know what to say about your aircraft Sir. Let's just put it this way.... If it was a horse, you would have to shoot it.
Susan: So what did your husband say about you giving his GPS to the jumble by mistake?
Mary: Shall I leave out the four-letter words?
Susan: Please do.
Mary: In that case he didn't say a word.
Apparently the controllers were getting really annoyed with the Air Canada pilots who regularly flew into Winnipeg. It would seem that the source of the irritation was the tone of voice that these guys were using. They would come on the frequency with the deepest voices you could imagine, saying things like 'This is Air Canada 345 heavy by the Whiskey for runway 18'.
One of the controllers finally had had enough of this sort of affectation and decided to get even one day. He went out and bought a bunch of helium filled balloons… Sure enough, the first Air Canada flight to arrive in the airspace checked in with the big deep pilot voice. The controller took a huge honk of the helium and cleared the flight to land in a voice akin to Donald Duck wearing very tight shorts!
No one seemed sure how the pilots reacted, but it gave the controllers one heck of a high!



On a flight with EasyJet back in 1997 the pilot made what can only be describes as an extremely heavy landing at Luton. It was very early in the morning and a number of passengers around me looked quite alarmed as, apart from the noise, a number of overhead lockers dropped open and several items of carry-on luggage were launched down the aisle.

After slowing up, the aircraft turned off the runway and turned towards the stand and over the PA came "Good morning ladies gentlemen, this is Captain Smith, welcome to Luton...and if any of you were asleep...I bet you're not now!"
Instrument Flying..
Most people wish to fly on the old gauges at one time or another but are prevented by the high cost of the instruments necessary for this form of flight. The following is a more or less known and extremely simple method which may be used by all.
Place a live cat on the cockpit floor, because a cat always remains upright, he or she can be used in lieu of a needle and ball instrument. Merely watch to see which way he leans to determine if a wing is low and if so, which one. This will enable you to your aircraft level in route with complete accuracy and confidence.
A duck is used for final instrument approach and landing, because of the fact that any sensible old duck will refuse to fly under instrument conditions, it is only necessary to hurl your duck out of the cockpit window and follow her to the ground.
There are some limitations on the cat and duck method, but by rigidly adhering to the following check list a degree of success will be achieved which will not only startle you, but will astonish your passengers as well, and may have an occasional tower operator with an open mouth.
· Get a wide-awake cat, most cats do not want to stand up all the time, so it may be necessary to carry a fierce dog along to keep the cat at attention.
· Make sure your cat is clean, dirty cats will spend all the time washing. Trying to follow a washing cat usually results in a slow roll followed by an inverted spin. You will see that this is most unprofessional.
· Old cats are the best, young cats have nine lives, but an old used up cat with only one life left has just as much to loose and will be more dependable.
· Avoid stray cats. Try to get one with good character because you may want to spend time with her.
· Beware of cowardly ducks, if the duck discovers that you are using the cat to stay upright, she will refuse to leave the aeroplane without the cat. Ducks are no better on instruments than you are.
· Get a duck with good eyes. Near sighted ducks sometimes fail to recognise that they are on the old gauges and will go flogging into the nearest hill. Very near sighted ducks will not realise that they have been thrown out and will descend to the ground in a sitting position. This is a most difficult manoeuvre to follow in an airplane.
· Choose your duck carefully, it is easy to confuse ducks with geese. Many large birds look alike. While they are very competent instrument flyers, geese seldom want to go in the same direction that you do. If your duck seems to be taking a heading to Ireland or Sweden, you may be safe in assuming that someone has given you a goose.
From the files of the CAA (S.A)

http://www.pilotfriend.com/humour/jokes/images/tornado.jpg
The following letter turned up in the CAA file of a certain pilot during a recent Investigation. The identities of the people and organisations concerned have been withheld for obvious reasons....
Dear Sirs
I have been asked to make a written statement concerning certain events that occurred yesterday.
First of all, I would like to thank that very nice CAA man who took my student pilot license and told me I wouldn't need it anymore. I presume that means that you're going to give me my full PPL. You should watch that fellow though; after I told him this story he seemed quite nervous and his hand was shaking. Anyway, here is what happened.
The weather had been pretty bad since last week, when I soloed. But yesterday I wasn't going to let low ceilings and pouring rain deter me from another exciting experience at the controls of an aeroplane. I was proud of my accomplishment, and I had invited my neighbour to go with me since I planned to fly to Sun City, where I knew of an excellent restaurant that served steaks and draught Windhoek beer. On the way to Lanseria my neighbour was a little concerned about the weather but I reassured him and told him about the steaks and beer that were waiting for us and he seemed much happier.
When we arrived at the airport the pouring rain had stopped, as I already knew it would from my meteorology classes. There were only a few small hailstones around.
I checked the weather and I was assured it was solid IFR. I was delighted. But when I talked to the flying club, I found that my regular aeroplane, a Piper J4 Cub was down for repairs. You can imagine my disappointment.
Just then a friendly, intelligent hangar assistant suggested that I take another aeroplane, which I immediately saw was very sleek and looked much easier to fly. I think they called it an Aztec C, also made by Piper. It didn't have a tailwheel, but I didn't say anything because I was in a hurry. Oh yes, it had a spare engine for some reason.
We climbed in and I began looking for an ignition switch. Now I don't want to get anyone into trouble, but it shouldn't be necessary to get the manual out just to find out how to start an aeroplane. That's ridiculous, I never saw so many dials, needles, knobs, handles and switches. As we all know, they have simplified this in the J4 Cub. Forgot to mention that I did file a flight plan, and those people were so nice. When I told them I was flying an Aztec, they told me it was all right to go direct via the airway, which I understand is a sort of local superhighway. These fellows deserve a lot of credit. They told me a lot of other things too, but everybody has problems with red tape.
The take-off was one of my best and I carefully left the pattern just the way the book says it should be done. The controller at Lanseria told me to contact Johannesburg Radar but that seemed silly since I knew where I was and I knew where I was going. There must have been an emergency of some sort because all of a sudden a lot of airline pilots began yelling at the same time and made such a racket that I just turned off the radio. You'd think all those professionals would be better trained.
Anyway I climbed up into a few little, fat clouds, cumulus type, at three hundred feet, but the highway was right under me, and since I knew it was due north to Sun City, where we were going to have drinks and dinner, I just went up into the solid overcast. After all,it was raining so hard by now, that it was a waste of time trying to watch the ground. This was a bad thing to do, l realised. My neighbour undoubtedly wanted to see the scenery, specially the Magaliesburg but everybody has to be disappointed sometimes and we pilots have to make the best of it, don't we?
It was pretty smooth flying and except for the ice that seemed to be forming here and there, especially on the windscreen, there wasn't much to see. I will say that I handled the controls quite easily for a pilot with only ten hours. My computer and pencils fell out of my shirt pocket once in a while, but these phenomena sometimes occur, I am told. I don't expect you to believe this, but I thought it was really funny and I asked my neighbour to look but he just kept staring ahead with a glassy look in his eyes. I guessed he was afraid of heights, like all non-pilots are.
By the way, something was wrong with the altimeter - it kept on winding and unwinding all the time. Finally I decided we had flown long enough, since I had worked it out on the computer. I am a whiz at the computer but something must have gone wrong with it, since when we came down to look for the Pilanesburg Airport, there wasn't anything there except mountains. These weather people had got it wrong too. It was real marginal conditions with a ceiling of about a hundred feet. You just can't trust anybody in this business except yourself, right? Why, there were even thunderstorms going on with occasional bolts of lightning.
I decided that my neighbour should see how beautiful it was and the way the lightning seemed to turn that fog all yellow but I think he was asleep, having overcome his fear of heights, and I didn't want to wake him up.
Anyway, just then an emergency occurred because the engine quit. It really didn't worry me since I had read the manual and I knew where the other ignition switch was. I just fired up the other engine and we kept on going. This business of having two engines is a real safety factor - if one quits the other is right there ready to go. Maybe all aeroplanes should have two engines. You might want to look into this.
As pilot in command I take my responsibilities very seriously. It was apparent that I would have to go down lower and keep a sharp eye in such bad weather. I was glad my neighbour was asleep because it was pretty dark under the clouds and if it hadn't been for the lightning flashes it would have been hard to navigate. Also it was hard to read road signs through the ice on the windscreen. Several cars ran off the road when we passed and I see what they mean about flying being safer than driving.
To cut a long story short, l finally spotted an airport and, since we were already late for dinner, I decided to land there. It was an air force base so I knew it had plenty of runway and, judging by all the coloured lights flashing in the control tower, we were going to be made to feel welcome. Somebody had told me that you could always talk to these military people on the international emergency frequency, so I tried it, but you wouldn't believe the language that I heard. These people ought to be straightened out, and as a taxpayer, I would like to register a complaint.
Evidently they were expecting somebody to come in and land, because they kept asking about some "goddamn stupid ?/**!% up in that fog." I wanted to be helpful so I landed on the taxiway to be out of the way in case that other fellow needed the runway.
A lot of people came running out waving at us. It was pretty evident that they had never seen an Aztec C before. One fellow, some General with a pretty nasty temper, was real mad about something. I tried to explain to him in a reasonable manner that I didn't think the ATC should be swearing at the guy up there, but his face was so red I think he must have a drinking problem. I then heard that we had ended up at Hoedspruit Air Force base - what a stroke of luck!
Well, that's about all. I hired a car and drove home from Hoedspruit because the weather really got bad, but my neighbour stayed at the hospital there. He can't make a statement yet because he's still not awake. Poor fellow, he must have the 'flu, or something.
Let me know if you need anything else, and please send my new license by registered mail.
Yours faithfully.....................



Earl
17th Sep 2007, 03:22
A man boarded an airplane and took his seat.
As he settled in, he glanced up and saw the most beautiful woman Boarding
the plane.
He soon realized she was heading straight towards his seat. As fate Would
have it, she took the seat right beside his.
Eager to strike up a conversation he blurted out, "Business trip or
pleasure?"
She turned, smiled and said, "Business. I'm going to the Annual
Nymphomaniacs of America Convention in Boston.
He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever Seen sitting
next to him, and she was going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs.
Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, "What's your Business
role at this convention?"
"Lecturer," she responded. "I use information that I have learned From my
personal experiences to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality."
"Really?" he said. "And what kind of myths are there?"
"Well," she explained, "one popular myth is that African-American men are
the most well-endowed of all men, when in fact it is the Native American
Indian who is most likely to possess that trait.
Another popular myth is that Frenchmen are the best lovers when actually it
is men of Jewish descent who are the best.
I have also discovered that the lover with absolutely the best Stamina is
the Southern Redneck."
Suddenly the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed. "I'm sorry,"
she said, "I shouldn't really be discussing all of this with you. I don't
even know your name...."

"Tonto," the man said, "Tonto Goldstein, but my friends call me Bubba."

Howard Hughes
17th Sep 2007, 08:30
A line between each joke and a bigger font might come in handy...:hmm:

Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaargh!
17th Sep 2007, 15:39
can your next post be to start a thread about composition and paragraphs please? :zzz:

VitaminGee
17th Sep 2007, 15:48
Including how to start a sentence with a capital letter! :E

frostbite
17th Sep 2007, 17:55
There's a brilliant one (allegedly true) buried deep in the ATC humour thread:-


Tower: "KLM, taxi to Hold Alpha"

"Roger"

"Concorde, follow KLM"

"Is that the blue one?"

"Qantas, follow Concorde"

"Is that the white one?"

eastern wiseguy
17th Sep 2007, 18:18
Frostbite ....I was told an old tale by a seafaring mate of my Dad.

Seems that the Queen Mary was on trooping duty to the Med during the war. As she entered the Med by Gibraltar she was signalled by morse lamp "What Ship? What Ship?" apparently the reply from her was "What rock? What rock?"

Might not be true of course.....

Doctor Smurf
17th Sep 2007, 19:22
Nice jokes...

Agreed about the presentation though :}

kiwi chick
19th Sep 2007, 05:17
Howard...

(snigger!) I thought I was just going blind ;)

(unless, of course we BOTH are... how often do you... ??)

Howard Hughes
19th Sep 2007, 05:43
Not often, Mrs Hughes is now very, very pregnant...;)

kiwi chick
19th Sep 2007, 05:51
And we all know the best thing to bring on labour now, don't we?! :E

(DON'T we...?? Or was my husband fibbing? :eek:)

Howard Hughes
19th Sep 2007, 05:59
Not quite close enough to start using that trick, but soon...:E

kiwi chick
19th Sep 2007, 06:11
LOL! Well... Im off home - dare I say enjoy your night?!

:eek:

Feck. This forum requires that you wait 120 seconds between posts. Please try again in 21 seconds

bulolobob
19th Sep 2007, 21:16
http://worteldrie.com/flash/emergency.swf
Well, I laughed! :D

kiwi chick
19th Sep 2007, 22:57
:D :D

I've actually just read the original post (couldn't be bothered yesterday, too much hard work...).

Very funny!! Off to the pet shop now to buy a duck. ;)

digital.poet
19th Sep 2007, 23:13
An aer lingus flight is on route to Dublin. When over the PA...

"Ladies and gentlemen, the captain has just informed me that one of our engines has failed, this is no concern as this plane is quite capable of flying on 3 engines, however it does mean our arrival in Dublin will be delayed by 1 hour".

A few minutes later...

"Ladies and gentlemen, the captain has just informed me that we have just lost another engine, there is no cause for concern as the plane can function adequetly on 2 engines, however our arrival will be delayed for a further hour".

Again, a few minutes later...

"Ladies and gentlemen, the captain has just informed me that we have lost a further engine, there is no cause for concern as the plane can function in a limited capacity on a single engine, our arrival will be delayed by another hour".

So paddy stands up at the back of the aircraft and shouts...

"Bloody hell! I hope that last engine doesn't pack up too. We will be up here forever!!"

Saintsman
20th Sep 2007, 08:00
Aer Lingus doesn't fly any planes with 4 engines?


No, and I bet that they wouldn't spend all day up there either.

KandiFloss
20th Sep 2007, 10:36
Annoyed passenger says to cabin crew, "What is the delay about, we've been sat here for 30 minutes?"

CC: "Im very sorry, but the Captain didn't like the sound of the engine"

Pax: "So what's happening now?"

CC: "Were just changing the Captain"

merlinxx
20th Sep 2007, 15:38
Sure did, Viscounts, 70s & 74s

old,not bold
20th Sep 2007, 18:24
I second that...my very first airline flight, Aer Lingus LHR-DUB, Viscount, 1953 or 1954. A very excited small boy.....

And that joke was around then!

eastern wiseguy
20th Sep 2007, 18:36
Sure did, Viscounts, 70s & 74s

And the odd B747......ah the company hack!!

stevef
20th Sep 2007, 20:15
Why is it that if you scream in church, everyone looks at you but if you do it in an airliner, everyone joins in?

kansasw
21st Sep 2007, 00:56
Did you hear about the lady who backed into an airplane propeller?





(Hat, coat, hightailing it for the egress.)





Disaster.

notmyC150v2
21st Sep 2007, 01:45
Hi Mate,
I am writing to you, because I need your help to get me bloody pilots licence back (you keep telling me you got all the right contacts, well now’s your chance to make something happen for me because, mate, I’m bloody desperate). But first, I’d better tell you what happened during my last flight review with the CAA Examiner. On the phone, Ron (that’s the CAA d**khead) seemed a
reasonable sort of bloke. He politely reminded me of the need to do a flight review every two years, since I had been flying Caribou in Vietnam for a year. He even offered to drive out, have look over my property and let me operate from my own strip. Naturally I agreed to that.
Anyway, Ron turned up last Wednesday. First up, he said he was a bit surprised to see the plane on a small strip outside my homestead because the ALA (Authorized Landing Area) is about a mile away. I explained that because this strip was so close to the homestead, it was more convenient than that strip, despite the power lines crossing about midway down the strip (it’s really not a problem to land and take-off because at the half-way point down the strip you’re usually still on the ground). For some reason Ron seemed nervous. So, although I had done the pre-flight inspection only four days earlier, I decided to do it all over again. Because the p***k was watching me carefully, I walked around the plane three times instead of my usual two.
My effort was rewarded because the colour finally returned to Ron’s cheeks - in fact they went a bright red. In view of Ron’s obviously better mood, I told him I was going to combine the test flight with farm work as I had to deliver three poddy calves from the home paddock to the main herd. After a bit of a chase I finally caught the calves and threw them into the back of the ol’ Cessna
172. We climbed aboard but Ron started getting’ into me about weight and balance calculations and all that crap. Of course I knew that sort of thing was a waste of time because, calves like to move around a bit, particularly when they see themselves 500 feet off the ground! So, its bloody pointless trying to secure them as you know. However, I did tell Ron that he shouldn’t worry as
I always keep the trim wheel set on neutral to ensure we remain pretty stable at all stages throughout the flight.
Anyway, I started the engine and cleverly minimised the warm-up time by tramping hard on the brakes and gunning her to 2,500rpm. I then discovered that Ron has very acute hearing, even though he was wearing a bloody headset. Through all that noise he detected a metallic rattle and demanded I account for it. Actually it began about a month ago and was caused by a screwdriver
that fell down a hole in the floor and lodged in the fuel selector mechanism. The selector can’t be moved now, but it doesn’t matter because it’s jammed on ‘All tanks’, so I suppose that’s OK.
However, as Ron was obviously a real nit-picker, I blamed the noise on vibration from a stainless steel thermos flask, which I keep in a beaut little possie between the windshield and the magnetic compass. My explanation seemed to relax Ron because he slumped back in the seat and kept looking up at the cockpit roof. I released the brakes to taxi out but unfortunately the plane gave
a leap and spun to the right, “Hell” I thought, “not the starboard wheel chock again”. The bump jolted Ron back to full alertness. He looked wildly around just in time to see a rock thrown by the propwash disappear completely through the windscreen of his brand new Commodore. “Now I’m really in trouble”, I thought.
While Ron was busy ranting about his car, I ignored his requirement that we taxi to the ALA and instead took off under the power lines. Ron didn’t say a word, at least not until the engine started coughing right at the lift off point, then he bloody screamed his head off, “Oh God! Oh God! Oh God!”
“Now take it easy, Ron” I told him firmly, “that often happens on take-off and there is a good reason for it.” I explained patiently that I usually run the plane on standard MOGAS, but one day I accidentally put in a gallon or two of kerosene. To compensate for the low octane of the kerosene, I siphoned in a few gallons off super MOGAS and shook the wings up and down a few times to mix it up. Since then, the engine has been coughing a bit but in general it works just fine, if you know how to coax it properly. Anyway, at this stage Ron seemed to lose all interest in my flight test. He pulled out some rosary beads, closed his eyes and became lost in prayer (I didn’t think anyone was a Catholic these days). I selected some nice music on the HF radio to help him relax.
Meanwhile I climbed to my normal cruising altitude of 10,500 feet (I don’t normally put in a flight plan or get the weather because as you know getting Fax access out here is a f#*% joke and the bloody weather is always 8/8 blue anyway. But since I had that near miss with a Saab 340, I might have to change me thinking). Anyhow, on levelling out I noticed some wild camels heading into my improved pasture. I hate camels and always carry a loaded .303 clipped inside the door of the Cessna just in case I see any of the bastards.
We were too high to hit them, but as a matter of principle, I decided to have a go through the open window. Mate, when I pulled the bloody rifle out, the effect on Ron was friggin’ electric. As I fired the first shot his neck lengthened by about six inches and his eyes bulged like a rabbit with myxo. He really looked as if he had been jabbed with an electric cattle prod on full power. In fact, Ron’s reaction was so distracting that I lost concentration for a second and the next shot went straight through the port tyre. Ron was a bit upset about the shooting (probably one of those pinko animal lovers I guess) so I decided not to tell him about our little problem with the tyre. Shortly afterwards I located the main herd and decided to do my fighter pilot trick.
Ron had gone back to praying when, in one smooth sequence, I pulled on full flap, cut the power and started a sideslip from 10,500 feet down to 500 feet at 130 knots indicated (the last time I looked anyway) and the little needle rushing up to the red area on me ASI. What a buzz, mate! About half way through the descent I looked back in the cabin to see the calves gracefully suspended in mid air and mooing like crazy. I was going to comment on this unusual sight but Ron looked a bit green and had rolled himself into the foetal position and was screamin’ his f*&%# head off. Mate, talk about being in a bloody zoo. You should’ve been there, it was so bloody funny!
At about 500 feet I levelled out, but for some reason we continued sinking. When we reached 50 feet I applied full power but nothin’ happened; no noise no nothin’. Then, luckily, I heard me instructor’s voice in me head saying “carby heat, carby heat”, so I pulled carby heat on and that helped quite a lot, with the engine finally regaining full power. Whew, that was really close, let me
tell you!
Then mate, you’ll never guess what happened next! As luck would have it, at that height we flew into a massive dust cloud caused by the cattle and suddenly went I.F. bloody R, mate. BJ, you would’ve been bloody proud of me as I didn’t panic once, not once, but I did make a mental note to consider getting a civil instrument rating as soon as me gyro is repaired (something I’ve been
meaning to do for a while now). Suddenly Ron’s elongated neck and bulging eyes reappeared. His mouth opened wide, very wide, but no sound emerged. “Take it easy,” I told him. “we’ll be out of this in a minute.” Sure enough, about a minute later we emerge; still straight and level and still
at 50 feet. Admittedly I was surprised to notice that we were upside down, and I kept thinking to myself, “I hope Ron didn’t notice that I had forgotten to set the QNH when we were taxying”. This minor tribulation forced me to fly to a nearby valley in which I had to do a half roll to get upright again.
By now the main herd had divided into two groups leaving a narrow strip between them. “Ah!,” I thought, “there’s an omen. We’ll land right there.” Knowing that the tyre problem demanded a slow approach, I flew a couple of steep turns with full flap. Soon the stall warning horn was blaring so loud in me ear that I cut its circuit breaker to shut it up, but by then I knew we were slow enough anyway. I turned steeply onto a 75 foot final and put her down with a real thud. Strangely enough, I had always thought you could only ground loop in a tail dragger but, as usual, I was proved wrong again! Halfway through our third loop Ron at last recovered his sense of humour. Talk about laugh. I’ve never seen the likes of it; he couldn’t stop. We finally rolled to a halt and I released the calves, who bolted out of the aircraft like there was no tomorrow. I then
began picking clumps of dry grass. Between gut wrenching fits of laughter Ron asked what I was doing. I explained that we had to stuff the port tyre with grass so we could fly back to the homestead. It was then that Ron really lost the plot and started running away from the aircraft.
Can you believe it?
The last time I saw him he was off into the distance, arms flailing in the air and still shrieking with laughter. I later heard that he had been confined to a psychiatric institution - poor bugger! Anyhow, mate, that’s enough about Ron. The problem is I just got a letter from CASA withdrawing, as they put it, my privileges to fly; until I have undergone a complete pilot training course again and undertaken another flight proficiency test.
Now I admit that I made a mistake in taxiing over the wheel chock and not setting the QNH using
strip elevation, but I can’t see what else I did that was so bloody bad that they have to withdraw
me flamin’ licence. Can you?

kiwi chick
21st Sep 2007, 01:55
PML!! :D :D ;)


KansasW - I don't get it?! :O

Neptunus Rex
21st Sep 2007, 09:04
Kiwi chick,

I won't explain it, but just say the punchline (word) out loud, slowly, with an extra 's' at the end of the first syllable. Just make sure you are well supported, because you will fall over laughing when the penny drops!

Cheers,

Neppie
;)

Binoculars
21st Sep 2007, 16:37
A few simple rules from the spelling nazi to make it easier for everyone:

1. You may not be familiar with the concept of paragraphs. Here's a clue: whenever you press the Enter button, do it twice.

2. See what happens when you do?

3. If you are new to aviation, it's a shame to have to enlighten you that new jokes are a rarity. If you come across something so funny you have to share it with 30,000 hour pilots because you are sure they've never heard it before, do a search on the keywords first. Even a search on this site will do.

4. Have the decency to select the whole of your cut and paste and make it all the same font and size.

5. I welcome abuse. Just do it in paragraphs, ok? That policy probably won't do your CV's any harm either.

the incivil beast
21st Sep 2007, 20:34
Hear, hear !

olympus
21st Sep 2007, 23:27
Still don't get it.

bnt
21st Sep 2007, 23:33
Here's an illustration of my favourite Irish aviation joke, that I did for b3ta.com a few years ago. It's the one about the runway at Dublin airport that is extremely short, yet very wide...
http://lh3.google.com/stereoroid/RPYcHng2ABI/AAAAAAAAAfA/fL1HAKT8fYI/s400/ryanair-lrg.jpg

Jimmy Macintosh
22nd Sep 2007, 00:25
Kiwi chick,

I won't explain it, but just say the punchline (word) out loud, slowly, with an extra 's' at the end of the first syllable. Just make sure you are well supported, because you will fall over laughing when the penny drops!

Cheers,

Neppie



It took a while but I think Neppie means the second syllable. It's not as bad as I was dreading.

Two's in
22nd Sep 2007, 03:12
PEDANT WARNING

Binos, reminds me of my Military staff work where I used to get "DNSONP" emblazoned across it - Don't Number Sentences - Only Number Paragraphs.

rmac
22nd Sep 2007, 06:09
Allegedly based on true events.

Airliner captain misunderstands ground and takes a wrong turn ending up nose to nose with another aircraft and traffic backed up all the way down the taxiway.

Stressed female controller loses it and starts yelling "look what you've gone and done, you've *****d up everything, shut your engines down, don't talk, don't breathe, don't do anything until I get a tow out to you..you asshol*"

Silence on the frequency for a while.

Unidentified pilot pipes up "Ground, didn't I used to be married to you ?"

KandiFloss
23rd Sep 2007, 09:04
The propellor is just a big fan to keep the pilot cool .... just watch the pilot start to sweat when it stops ...

Binoculars
23rd Sep 2007, 10:18
If you come across something so funny you have to share it with 30,000 hour pilots because you are sure they've never heard it before, do a search on the keywords first. Even a search on this site will do.

I think after the last two posts, the only possible response is "Q.E.D."

athomeinthesky, I have quite a lot of time on my hands and I'm enjoying it very much, thank you. However I suspect that your attempt at a witty sneer would look a bit hollow to anyone who did a search on our respective numbers of posts since you joined us.

In case you missed my exquisite subtlety ( a hammer instead of a sledge hammer) let me tell you about the Qantas tech log entries............ :rolleyes:

kiwi chick
24th Sep 2007, 06:17
she enters the room again...

Oh... I get it now! Bit slow that day.... ;)

verticalhold
24th Sep 2007, 13:48
I was so depressed over the weekend I considered suicide. I called the Samaritans for help and got a call centre in Pakistan. They just kept asking me if I could fly a plane...............................








Coat, hat, TAXI!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

goshdarnit
24th Sep 2007, 15:05
At the risk of displaying my ignorance, I still don't get it. Can someone explain?, talk slowly and use small words.....

BillHicksRules
24th Sep 2007, 15:17
Binos,

“In case you missed my exquisite subtlety ( a hammer instead of a sledge hammer) let me tell you about the Qantas tech log entries............ ”

There is no need to mock the afflicted!!!!

Cheers

BHR

p.s. Does the 30,000 hours plus refer to the time you have spent logged into Pprune???:E:E:E

Binoculars
24th Sep 2007, 15:56
Good to see "Cheers" back in you posts, Bill.

I'm not sure how the 30,ooo hour reference was so misread. Let me rephrase it. People who have been around aviation circles for a few years have heard all of these "jokes" before. I suppose the inference from that is that there is little new to be heard. Those new to the game naturally think these things they are hearing for the first time are funny and want to share them around. The old and cynical roll their eyes and occasinally post, as I did, to that effect. No great story there.

kansasw
24th Sep 2007, 18:33
Goshdarnit: "At the risk of displaying my ignorance, I still don't get it. Can someone explain?, talk slowly and use small words....."

If it's mine about the airplane propeller,

Dis

Assed

Her.

OK now? ;>)

FlyerFoto
24th Sep 2007, 18:49
Now that's cleared up can we get back to the jokes???:confused:

bnt
24th Sep 2007, 20:59
http://lh5.google.com/stereoroid/RPYcHYz1ABI/AAAAAAAAAeo/WGsdp3HpYog/s800/motivator5251295.jpg

Make your own "motivational" poster: http://bighugelabs.com/flickr/motivator.php

KandiFloss
27th Sep 2007, 10:52
Airline Cabin Announcements...some of these are old and some are new ones.

1. On a Southwest flight (SW has no assigned seating, you just sit where you're able) passengers were apparently having a hard time choosing, when a flight attendant announced, "People, people we're not picking out furniture here, find a seat and get in it!"

2. On a Continental Flight with a very "senior" flight attendant crew, the pilot said, "Ladies and gentlemen, we've reached cruising altitude and will be turning down the cabin lights. This is for your comfort and to enhance the appearance of your flight attendants."

3. On landing, the stewardess said, "Please be sure to take all of your belongings. If you're going to leave anything, please make sure it's something valuable."

4. "There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane."

5. "Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."

6. As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Ronald Reagan, a lone voice came over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella. WHOA!"

7. After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced, "Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as hell everything has shifted."

8.From a Southwest Airlines employee: "Welcome aboard Southwest Flight 245 to Tampa. To operate your seat belt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seat belt; and, if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised."

9. "In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with more than one small child, pick your favorite."

10. "Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but we'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Southwest Airlines."

11. "Your seat cushions can be used for flotation; and, in the event of an emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take them with our compliments."

12. "As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses."

13. And from the pilot during his welcome message: "Delta Airlines is pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry. Unfortunately, none of them are on this flight!"

14. Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a very hard landing in Salt Lake City the flight attendant came on the intercom and said, "That was quite a bump, and I know what y'all are thinking. I'm here to tell you it wasn't the airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight attendant's fault, it was the asphalt."

15. Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas, on a particularly windy and bumpy day: During the final approach, the Captain was really having to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo Please remain in your seats with your seat belts fastened while the Captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate!"

16. Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: "We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."

17. An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited, smile, and give them a "Thanks for flying our airline." He said that, in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally everyone had gotten off except for a little old lady walking with a cane. She said, "Sir, do you mind if I ask you a question?" "Why, no, Ma'am," said the pilot. "What is it?" The little old lady said, "Did we land, or were we shot down?"

18. After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the attendant came on with, "Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Capt. Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we'll open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal."

19. Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think of US Airways."

20. Heard on a Southwest Airline flight. "Ladies and gentlemen, if you wish to smoke, the smoking section on this airplane is on the wing and if you can light 'em, you can smoke 'em."

21. A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight Number 293, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead is good and, therefore, we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax.. OH, MY GOD!" Silence followed, and after a few minutes, the captain came back on the intercom and said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared! you earlier. While I was talking to you, the flight attendant accidentally spilled a cup of hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!" A passenger in Coach yelled, "That' s nothing. You should see the back of mine."