View Full Version : 50 stories for 50th birthday


Jeep
1st Aug 2007, 07:29
The AAC will shortly be 50 years young. I am looking for the best 50 stories from over the years. You know the ones:

The pink baron and the smoke grenade in the gazelle
The scout that landed next to the boat that had just been painted
etc etc

Over 50 years there must be some crackers. All stories considered and will be printed in a 1-50 chart. Prize for the winner.

Anything to do with the AAC.

Immunity granted.

PM me or best50@<hidden>



charliegolf
1st Aug 2007, 12:13
Someone will be able to flesh out the one about the gazelle pilot who took a huge shitehawk through the canopy; which, since it was really pissed off by now, then set about trying to eat said pilot!

CG

MightyGem
1st Aug 2007, 15:00
A gazelle crew from Detmold(one of whom could be called Arfur) arranged to take the wife of the Sqn OC for a famil flight. She was an air traffiker in the Detmold tower, so it was all above board. towards the end of the flight, they dropped in at a local landmark(big comms mast, the name of which escapes me), that also had a cafe, for kaffe und kuchen.

At the end of the refreshment, the good lady had to visit the little girls room and the plot was hatched. One of the crew paid the bill and departed for the aircraft. Upon the lady's return it was explained by the other that they had come flying without their wallets and couldn't pay the bill(no I don't know why she couldn't pay). When the aircraft started, they would do a runner, jump in and fly off. She was obviously aghast at this, but had to go along or be left stranded, but agreed to be sworn to secrecy.

The deed was done and they arrived back at Detmold. The crew got to the OC before she did and briefed him accordingly. He spent the evening asking various questions as to how her trip went, while she tried to avoid giving the game away.

Jeep
1st Aug 2007, 20:18
MG. Good one. Koteburg sounds right.

CG i remember the story, got any details?

charliegolf
1st Aug 2007, 21:07
Jeep,

Nope- I was told the story by an AAC Staff Sgt when idling in Belize one time. Had no reason to think it un-kosher though!

CG

TBSG
1st Aug 2007, 21:49
Jeep
I'm sure I heard the Koterberg story from the horses mouth - a certain SSgt QHI in Detmold in the early 1990s, no less.......:cool: no names, no packdrill etc
There is always the one about the SQHI and Sqn OC, also from Detmold, who on the OC's final trip, decided on a Wingover sortie, only to end up walking home having stoofed in.....
Why restrict the stories to PM when so many more can enjoy them here?
tbsg

What Limits
1st Aug 2007, 23:28
And of course the group of 50 would be incomplete without the 'flashing white glove'

BAOR 1980's, baby pilot and baby aircrewman are practicing forced landings in a Gazelle.

'Practice Engine Failure - GO!'

Why has it gone quiet?

When I said 'In the event of.... operate the fuel shut off lever.... thats not what I meant!!'

Good engine-off landing though!

Samuel
2nd Aug 2007, 05:01
I'm not sure of the source of this, although I recall at the time I first read it that it was reliable!

A senior pilot was tasked tp proceed to Salisbury Plain training area as an unexpected player [to the participants] in an Army exercise. [Well it would be wouldn't it!]. He was briefed to land at a specific grid reference and then 'phone a number for further orders. He duly arrived on site to find a large parade ground with a full dress inspection going on. After circling for a moment to confirm his position, he decided he must be part of the exercise and approached to land. It was not a pretty sight as the parade. minus caps scattered to the four winds.

Unperturbed, he despatched his crewman to make the phone call but, soon after, started to get somewhat anxious. The previous occupants of the parade ground were not taking too kindly to his presence, and several senior Army officers shook their fists at him. His colleague returned.

"What's the brief then?" asked the pilot.

"Well, put it this way Sir", replied his mate, "i've just tried to ring the grid reference".

Jeep
2nd Aug 2007, 07:14
no objection to them being posted on here. some may prefer the other way. post away chaps, all entries welcome.
amusing, daring, crazy.... you name it, im interested. 50 years of story telling, crack on.

Crusader 80, fine exercise, lasted ages. Big inversion and we are flying at 2000feet just to get some vis. Its the weekend, so no low flying. Near Hannover. Up ahead is an upside down flying saucer not 5km ahead. Well i looked at the pilot (strach), he looks at me. We look back at the flying saucer. No one speaks, no one wants to admit it. 20 seconds pass, and a large airship takes shape. Much cleaner air in herman land these days.

Sloppy Link
2nd Aug 2007, 18:26
As I start, it is important to point out that all involved were in on the jape apart from the unfortunate victim.

A Military Policeman, upon awarding of "Wings" was posted to Detmold, for the sake of argument 654 Sqn. Another Military Policeman was already there in a different Squadron, again for the sake of argument, 659 Sqn. After about 4 weeks, the local SIB rang the new boy and asked him to pop in for a chat. Once there it was explained that his posting had been contrived as there was drugs problem in his unit, specifically amongst the aircrew. It wasn't that they were using the stuff, some had been intercepted in Andover that had origins in Germany, the thought was it was being flown back in Army aircraft and then distributed by the pilots. If he heard of anything, he was to report back. When he pointed out there was already someone else from the RMP within the unit, he was told that that individual is among the suspects.

Fast forward 4 weeks or so and the Sqn 2i/c on a Friday tells our victim he is going to UK on Mon to ferry an aircraft back to Oxford. Don't worry about the planning etc, it is all done, just turn up on Mon with an overnight bag. Odd, he thinks, as a nig pilot, I should be doing something; think I will mention it to the SIB.

Mon arrives and off they depart. The aircraft has overnight kit and some "essential spares". They have to go to Gutersloh to draw immersion suits and LCJs. Our victim is told to monitor the refuel whilst the 2i/c gets the kit and files the flight plan. Whilst on the pan, the RAFP turn up and ask for a look around, certainly is the reply. No, we really do want to have a thorough look round. They come to the "essential spares" and open the box, the pan is covered in granulated coffee (used to disguise the smell from dogs) and a bag of white powder drops onto the floor.....at just about the same time as our victims jaw does the same. As composure is trying to be recovered, the 2i/c turns up and announces that all the packing had been done by the victim (who now resembles a codfish). Both are arrested and marched off to the Police Station.

Once in separate cells, the 2i/c is immediately released, jumps in the cab and flies back to Detmold. Our victim however is interrogated at length by the RAFP. 4 hours. At one point, the Station Commander and the Station Warrant Officer put their head in and say, "Is that him? Good, carry on", and then march out. Our victim tries to get hold of the three people who can corroborate his story, the SIB individual, the CO and the Adjt. SIB is on the golf course, the CO and Adjt are on the road to JHQ. This was all before mobile phones. Our victim is stuffed.

Eventually, he is released to Army custody, the biggest Cpl in the RMP we could find and he escorted by him and a huge RAFP through the arrivals and departures lounge of RAF Gutersloh, in a flying suit, in handcuffs. Once on the pan he asks where his aircraft is whereby he is told it now form part of a criminal investigation and is in a hangar pending forensics. What about the 2i/c? He has been released to the OC HQ Sqn about 2 hours ago.

Another aircraft is there to collect him; there was no conversation between the crew and the victim. On arrival at Detmold, the victim is to report, under escort to the Regt 2i/c office pending the COs return. To get there he has to walk through 659 Sqn's hangar, as the doors are open, his Sqn is on parade with our hero at the front with a 6' tall clockwork key for the biggest wind up of the year.

That was 16years ago, SL has been looking over his shoulder ever since.

Jeep
2nd Aug 2007, 18:35
Straight in at no 1 SL. good one.

diginagain
2nd Aug 2007, 21:30
There is always the one about the SQHI and Sqn OC, also from Detmold, who on the OC's final trip, decided on a Wingover sortie, only to end up walking home having stoofed in.....
That'd be Buggly and Bob E, the OC, whose missus, the aforementioned former Airtrafficker was on duty in the tower when our heroes reduced a Mk7 to component form just outside the fence.

Pat Braim was the Airtrooper who dowsed the Scout in avtur, yet the bloke who provided both the means of ignition, and the immortal line "Avtur doesn't burn" was a REME airtech called Bill Botachi. Pat left the Corps and returned to his native Hull, whereupon he joined the Humberside Fire Brigade, while Bill went on to a distinguished career, retiring as a WO1 ASM, I believe.

HEDP
2nd Aug 2007, 22:34
Then there was the AAC attached subbie with an infantry Bn near Celle who hatched a plan more cunning.............
New young officer to the Bn. On his interview with the Bn 2IC was convinced that while the Bn was on exercise he would have to go on a recce of the Active Edge deployment areas and a Gazelle had been booked for his use. As a side issue his peers briefed that the flower pots outside the mess were full of East German soil and if he was up for it he could persuade the Gazelle crew to cross the border while on the recce and he could have it away with a fist full of soil to join the rest and then he would be a true member of the Bn.
The fateful day dawns and when he is picked up a solemn briefing is given by the crew of the Gazelle on what has to happen if there is any compromise as they are going closer to the border than is really sensible.
An hour into the sortie and the young subbie plucks up the courage to ask the crew whether they can nip over the IGB to give him the chance to grab his soil. As you can imagine, much persuasion was required with the attendant crates to be delivered to Hildeshiem asap before the crew agreed to the crazy proposal.
The border was approached, a check in each direction and the crew decide all is well and a dirty dash is in order.
On the ground on the east side and subbie has the door open and is leaning out to grab his soil when, horror of horrors, an Eastie helicopter appears at pace and forces the Gazelle to stay on the ground. Not long after a Kubelwagen appears with East German Border Guards and starts to threaten the aircraft while it is still running but unable to take off because of the other helo.
On turning to the Subbie the aircrewman sees him eating the paper as briefed if compromised that held the IFF codes with a horrified look on his face as the Subbie realises the impending doom.
Being unable to take off the crew were forced to shut down the Gazelle and briefed the Subbie to comply with any direction as they were all severely in the s*i*!
The aircraft shut down, all three occupants were forced by the Border Guards to exit the aircraft, lie down on the floor with their arms stretched out and the Subbie was bound and blindfold.
At this point the crew stood up, suppressed a giggle and waved goodbye to the bound and blindfold Subbie.
Said Subbie spent 24 hours being held and interrogated by 'Soviet interrogators' in the cellars of Celle camp before being frogmarched, again bound and hooded, to the steps of the officers mess whereupon his hood was removed and the 2IC was stood with his mess dress and the regiments officers to welcome him to his first mess function as he was Mr Vice.
For the record, the border/wall was the training facility near Celle (well he never had a clue where he was anyway), the Eastie helo was a BO105 from the Bundeswehr and the Kubelwagen and Border Guards were the local West German Bn in the borrowed training equipment that used to be used.
A good evening was had in the mess as the crew had a very enjoyable evening joining the rest of the Bn Offrs and main players for many a beer. The sad part; the Subbie never paid his debt for going over the border anyway :} and young Mallett never coughed up his beers for organising it either!:bored:

Seldomfitforpurpose
3rd Aug 2007, 02:34
"AJ" Smith once pf AAC fame but Puma Flt Lt last time I saw him tells a cracking tale of about a Scout landing on a ridge in Hong Kong cos pilot needs a leak. Collective locked down etc pilot jumps out and goes down hillside for leak whilst gust of wind blows Scout down other side. Passing Scout mate see what he thinks is a crash lands on jumps out and goes to investigate. First mate, now zipped up returns to "his" aircraft and flies back to base where the whole incident slowly unravels.

Nearly pissed myself laughing when he told the story and always wondered, bearing in mind it was AJ after all just how true it was.........anyone confirm or deny it for me :ok:

psyan
3rd Aug 2007, 09:17
1977/78 Aldergrove - in those day's Sioux were used to deliver the mail to various places in the city as well as carry out the usual. A certain young one pipe wonder who was so far up his own ar** had decided to try and chat up a few 'female' RMP's in the crew room and promised them a jolly in the Sioux.

Another Sioux pilot hanging about in the crew room whilst this was going on, jumped in and stole the show when the one pip wonder disappeared off to the ops room momentarily. He was really miffed big style and took out his annoyance on all and sundry for the remainder of the day.

The following day we learned that he had arranged another free jolly for a nice looking female and was duly 'briefing her' as a certain person crushed up some 'horse pills' designed to make you sh!T through the eye of a needle. [Issued to a REME who had a serious problem - another story] The powder was mixed into a coffee cup and true to nature this officer barged over to the crew room counter and said "that for me? Thanks" then disappeared slurping with abandon gazing at this thing he was lusting after.

The 'Jolly' never took place simply because an operational task came up but later that day, a Sioux with the engine off and rotors still running down, was seen abandoned on the dispersal. According to folk lore, the engineers refused to clean the seats and the said officer was duly reprimanded for leaving the scene of a crime.

psyan
3rd Aug 2007, 09:30
1978 NI on Province Wide [UHF AAC Common]

"hello......any friendly bears out there?"

Pause for a few minutes

"hullo"

"hullo.......post man bear here, is it nice where you are?"

"no, I am a very wet bear and am all steamed up"

"oh....that's not nice is it?"

This sort of Tx/Rx went on reasonably frequently over a week or more until there was a network of "Bears" [this has nothing to do with the 'bear in the air' thing but is related to a children's TV program which was watched by all similar to the Jackanory thingy].

One nice day, "hello, any bears out there want to play?"

"This is a flight safety means and not a general chit chat, report to me on arrival" said the annoyed RQHI

Pause

"He's not a friendly bear is he....[giggles from various sources transmitted incessantly for 15 minutes or more]"

"Hello, is Angry Bear out there, do you want to come out to play? It's nice where we are."

This took place a number of times over the following months but less frequently and resurfaced many many years later, carried on by another generation......................"Any friendly bears out there?"

blind pue
3rd Aug 2007, 11:18
Aldertraz 79
2 'Tired and Emotional' Atprs climb up the rubber Gym and paint '662 Rule' on the top, thinking it would only be seen from the air. Next morning all jnrs to report to the RSM at the Gym, 'How the hell did they see it so quick' asked one, only to look up and see his handiwork from the inside.
luckily Atpr Hooper was never caught:8

Wizzard
3rd Aug 2007, 14:26
Yes the Green Howards RSM really got p*ssed off with Atpr Hooper signing out and not signing back in again. He told the CSM "punchy" Brian Pr**s*l* that if it happened again he'd take it to HQNI. The CSM issued an obituary of Hooper that night on orders and left no one in any doubt that Hooper was not to appear again.


Next morning the RSM was on the phone again complaining that one of the AAC men had not returned to camp. When Brian asked "is it Atpr Hooper?" the RSM said "no not this time, it's someone called Aircrewman Newman"

Sloppy Link
3rd Aug 2007, 19:16
SL wakes up wondering why his portakabin is all orange on the inside and is then reminded he used a smoke flare to empty it of partygoers the night before. How on earth a DCM did not follow is beyond me.

TBSG
3rd Aug 2007, 21:35
"AJ" Smith once pf AAC fame but Puma Flt Lt last time I saw him"

Back with us again now a RQHI.

Stuck On The Ground
3rd Aug 2007, 22:33
Look, well done and everything.

I have a genuine question though.

My grandfather was in the AAC, and he was killed at Arnhem in 1944.

Am I missing something?

Seldomfitforpurpose
3rd Aug 2007, 23:09
TBSG,

This is something I saw your chaps do all over the Reds,Yelows,Greens etc of the Emerald Isles time and time again :E

If you want a cast iron cert of a wind up for AJ take the baterries out or put some dead ones into the crewroom TV remote control...............he'll go feckin daft :ok:

Clockwork Mouse
4th Aug 2007, 07:40
SOTG
I think you will find that your grandfather was in the Glider Pilot Regiment which years later became the AAC.

diginagain
4th Aug 2007, 09:03
SOTG
Further to Clockwork Mouse's info, the Army Air Corps of WW2 consisted of the Parachute Regiment and the GPR, but was disbanded after the war.

Jeep
4th Aug 2007, 09:06
TBSG,
Wrong Smith. The scout story one is about retired from the RAF a few years ago. Never lost his daft northern accent, unlike this bradford lad.

The prize is for the best --- > written < ---- story. Write em as you tell em in a pub.

jeep

blind pue
4th Aug 2007, 10:36
Hong Kong
Scout with the 'Star Trek away team' on night standby for anti AA (Aider's & Abetter's) Op's. The Scout is fitted with Nitesun and Bomb racks loaded with four 4 inch slow falling flares and 2 flares attached to the bulkhead in the back.
The Story goes:
The Scout is called in to help the RN and RM patrols with the capture of 2 AA speedboats each carrying about 4 II's (Illegal Immigrants). The AA's can do about 40knts and start to pull away from the patrol boat and rigid raiders, with the introduction of the Scout to the chase and the use of the flares to illuminate the area, the patrol boat manages to catch one of the speedboats.
The Scout and the rigid raiders now turn their attention to the remaining AA, who to reduce weight and gain extra speed starts to throw the II's overboard thus slowing down the pursuing rigid raiders as they have to pick them up.
The Scout now on it's own uses the nitesun to illuminate the AA whilst awaiting support from either the patrol boat or the raiders, meanwhile one of the crew comes up with a plan, they will drop low level over the speedboat and armed with his night stick the crewman is to jump into the boat James Bond style and arrest the AA's. The front crew now over dosing on adrenaline think this is a great idea and try to convince the 'Obs' whilst decending over the boat, As they reach the boat the 'Obs', who has so far not been convinced and replied 'with respect sir's f***off ' and other such useful phrases to demonstrate his noncompliance with their orders, has hatched his own plan and lobs one of the flares straight into the speedboat, Luckily the AA's thinking it was a bomb bale out, which was the right choice as the flare ignited the fuel and exploded. thus bringing the chase to an end. :8

diginagain
4th Aug 2007, 11:05
Flew with Mick Lord on occasion - always good for a giggle. After hammering around low-level for 30 minutes, I stopped and turned to Mick who was holding a map. "OK, Mick, where are we?"

"I dunno, you brought us here"

The other one that sticks out was a tale he told of going on task with his OC in NI. They'd turned up at a grid to support a ground patrol but couldn't find them. After a fruitless search, and a refuel, Mick began to think that the task looked familiar. A quick check of the JATOC task-sheet provided the illumination. He was reading a task that he'd done two days previously.

S76Heavy
4th Aug 2007, 11:05
So did they paint a speedboat kill mark on the A/C?

6Z3
4th Aug 2007, 11:47
On the subject of HK, one from the FAA.
.
6Z3 slog stardate 17 Sep '79. Mission: Load lift skids-wet Scout.
.
In thanking us (couple of slabs and honorary membership of the 660 club bar) for dragging us out of RAF Sek Kong pool on our day off (the RN SK detachment worked 2 on 5 off in those days;)), Maj ***** explained that he'd shut down as usual on the beach (below the high water mark, if you hadn't realised) for a leisurely breakfast part way through his mission, and then couldn't get it started again. Extremely grateful, he went on to explain that that particular cab had a history of the igniter playing up; it had happened twice the previous week!!
.
Aah, them were the days, chasing II's and Boat people for 3 months.

Two's in
4th Aug 2007, 14:01
Who was the guy (was it the OC?) who during Night flying on Otterburn failed the 12,000Kg snatch in a Lynx after lifting post-refuel without disconnecting the hose first? Fortunately the Torque meter passing through 140% and a Red flashing "Bowser Still Connected?" caption helped him before anything too serious happened.

Not forgetting 662 Sqn's impeccable FARP demo to the 200 or so Eastern Bloc Exercise observers in Germany in the mid-eighties, where the RN Exchange pilot decided to prove that the Navy have bigger flares than the Army, while failing to notice that the Lynx pair he was leading was approaching the FARP down slope. Gravity and Bernoulli work as advertised, tail rotor hits the mud, TR drive shaft shears, Lynx spins about 270 degrees during which the main rotor blades chop through the bowser hose which is laid on the ground, AAC Lt in the RHS rapidly beginning to understand that his Navy buddy has now deviated wildly from the script, pulls the ECLs and bring the Airshow to a rapid and bumpy end. During all this the Lynx has been spinning like a dervish with blades contacting the ground, surrounded by the FARP team (Mick Scaife) and not one of them got so much as a scratch.

The best bit was seeing 200 chins hit the ground from the Eastern bloc observers, and then when the dust (mud actually, it was Germany) settled and it was clear everyone was OK, they began to applaud politely. I think it was Wellington who said, "I don't know what they'll do to the enemy; but, by God, they frighten me. ..."

blind pue
4th Aug 2007, 14:28
Hong Kong 81
Scout carrying out night casevac drills with 7GR in Tsuen Mun at a 6 side football pitch surrounded by high rise flats. two 'casualties' are loaded, one on the stretcher and one in the front rearwards facing seat, crewman standing on skid watches the tail as Mick (the pilot) does a towering takeoff, as they clear the roof tops and start to transit, the engine surges with a bang and flames out the exhaust then silence. seeing the flames the crewman thinks they are on fire shouts 'Get her down!' Mick calmly carrying out an engine off replys 'Where else do you think we're going'
On Landing they release the 'casualties' harnesses and vacate the area, Mick walks to the nearest phone and calls Sek Kong tower starting with 'Mayday, Mayday, Mayday'. :8

charliegolf
5th Aug 2007, 14:22
Norway, ‘81 or ‘82 (the events will lead someone to pin it down), and Sgt Golf along with pilot whose name escapes me, is running in at 10 000’ for a free fall drop over the frozen lake at Bomoen. Jumpers are literally in the door, when a serious sounding abort message comes up. Sgt Golf drags the jumpers back in, shuts door as ordered, and back to Bomoen strip.

Turns out, Simon The Pieman (OC 33) had had a ‘heavy landing’ in a whiteout (the cab was f***ed, but there was no heavy fallout) and help was needed. We set off directly.

The day got worse en route, when we hear that the AAC gazelle (there is a link, I promise) carrying JEngo and a snco groundie to the site really did Cat 5 in in a whiteout. Three bad injuries, as it happens.

Golf aids his driver to the most carefully recced 0/0 landing you’ve ever seen!

Anyhow, we loaded up the AAC non com pilot and headed off for the Norgie hospital. Couple of mins in, the army boy beckons me over. Over the noise, he gives me what- I swear- is brewing into a real deathbed declaration. “My jacket pocket, please, my jacket pocket.” I was wetting myself, and being supportive like in the war films. “You’ll be fine”, says I.

“No, you must take it for me”, says brown job. I stuck my hand in his pocket, and pulled out an envelope, thinking, shit, this is his will for his missus or something.

With his final, but not dying words, he croaks, “You must keep this safe…..It’s the squadron beer fund for up north next week”.

Man deserved a medal for his loyalty! Yes, I handed over the kronks. Never got his name.

CG

orgASMic
6th Aug 2007, 14:06
I remember tales of such an event - I was at Linton at the time (mid 90s). Rumour had it that it was the CO in a Mk9 (the Mk9s had just arrived at Dishforth).

As an aside, I do not want to see or even hear of a 12000kg snatch, thanks very much!:uhoh:

helidriver
6th Aug 2007, 18:13
Seldomfitforpurpose,

We never changed the batteries on AJs remote collection at those FOBs in NI. I bought a remote control jammer from The Gadget Shop in Belfast! The best fiver I ever spent. He would channel surf and I would turn it on when something decent came on like Oz Aerobics. He always stormed off threatening to jail the RAF bod responsible for batteries and TVs. This then meant we didn't have to watch golf or Star Trek and listen to him pipe-in every five minutes to someone else’s private conversation, "......you think you know, but you don't know", in that God awful 'northern - I know everything' drawl.

Priceless!:ok:


H

GLaverton
6th Aug 2007, 22:10
helidriver

"in that God awful 'northern - I know everything' drawl"

Hit a nerve there - what part of the world do you come from that has such a wonderful accent:=

helidriver
7th Aug 2007, 06:40
"in that God awful 'northern - I know everything' drawl"
Correction -
Should read:
"in his God awful 'northern - I know everything' drawl"
Didn't mean to affend or distract this thread into a north-south debate, and if you know the bloke you'd know exactly what I mean!

Wizzard
7th Aug 2007, 06:44
Leave it Graham - e's not worf it!:)

Thud_and_Blunder
7th Aug 2007, 09:36
If we're cataloguing AJ's "career", could we include the bit where he (allegedly) showed a Reem how to extract an insect from a Gaz pitot tube by, ahem, sucking it out? Allegedly leaving a ring of scorched lip-flesh around the pitot, as Gazelle pitot-heaters are routinely left "on" to get rid of the caption. Allegedly.

The Nr Fairy
7th Aug 2007, 14:30
Can someone tell me about the loaner RN Jungly (MA) who allegedly tried to slingload Germany ? Or was that the fuel bowser one ?

hihover
7th Aug 2007, 17:09
Yes I do believe it was the same guy, the HELARM/FARP demo. Good guy but I can't remember his name.

HEDP
7th Aug 2007, 18:52
How about GLaverton reminding of the details of his single engine failure in a Lynx with Gibbo(?) in NI in 84. I'm sure the pax refused to board the Wessex to take them from whence they came!

silvereagle
7th Aug 2007, 21:11
Anyone remember Fred Perry? Tasked to fly a general to take a parade in a Gz. Arrived at HLS which was the unit parade square. Square contained the RTR regt the general was going to inspect. Fred decided to land in a small square of 4 tennis courts ( no fencing between courts only round the perimeter) next to the square. General got out, Fred lifted to refuel at a nearby airfield. You guessed it, tennis court locked...................... True story.

blind pue
9th Aug 2007, 13:53
1) Hohne 93
663 on Ex at Hohne are tasked to send a Gazelle back to Soest to pick up the Brigade Comd so that he can watch the TOW shoot later that day.
RHQ give a go the day before, but that morning the weather is not as forecast, with strong winds (40knts +) in Hohne and low cloud on the ridges to the South.
The OC selects a crew and informs them that it will be on limits but could they give it a go, he will assist with the start by giving thumbs up when he feels the wind has dropped below 40knts and it is safe to start rotors. This works and the Gazelle departs on route.
The intial stage is fine, the strong wind keeps the cloud base above limits and the crew use the Minden Gap as their first crossing to pick up the Autobahn south bound, as they get closer to the teutoburg the wind slackens and they find the usual gaps around Bielefeld blocked, But the Comd remembers a little known crossing point around Halle that was used by 662 pilots based at Munster flying to Bunde, they aim for this point and find it clear.
With 300ft and 1ks vis (ish) they continue towards Gutersloh, now talking to the Tower they are given permission to cross the centreline and what is their position? whilst unsure the Comd reads off the LWNA '2 miles', then the Pilot corrected him with '50 metres' as he sees the Tower looming out of the mist.
The rest of the flight is in low ground and they arrive at Soest Airfield. with no groundcrew around they help themselves to fuel and depart for San Sabastian Bks to pick up the Brig. This done they start back for Hohne using the same route they had just come.
As they are lifting the Brig, 662 Ops who are waiting at Soest Airfiled receive the following call from the Chief of Staff.
COS 'I thought you said the weather is too bad to fly'
Ops ' Yes, Sir it is'
COS 'Too bad for Colonels but not for Brigadiers then, Listen', and he held up the handset for the Ops to hear 'The roar of the Mighty Gazelle' (or something like that but you get the gist) 'As the Gazelle has just come from Hohne and is now going back the weather must be OK'.
At this 662 were spured into action and prepared to launch the Sqn to pick up the COS and join the TOW shoot.
An hour or so later the Gazelle arrived at Hohne to be asked if they had seen any Lynx, Other than the 8 on Soest dispersal the crew said no.
They found out later that the Lynx had launched to follow them, only to have too divert to Gutersloh, Detmold, in fields etc, as they couldn't find any gaps.
2) NVG Recce Benson to Lydd back to Benson.
Weather mainly sunny with rain showers,
Gazelle arrives at Benson and picks up 28 sqn pilot for recce, they depart on the recce routing south of Odiham then turn eastbound towards crowbrough, on arrival at crowbrough they find the cloud base on the high ground and very little visibility due to heavy rain.
Lydd ATC informs them that they are also in a heavy shower so it is decided to cancel the refuel and pick up the rest of the route westbound. as they get past Midhurst they dial up Odiham and hear them trying to make contact with Swallow formation.
The weather to the west of Midhurst has also turned into heavy showers with cloud base and vis reducing, The crew pickup the A272 towards Petersfield, with local knowledge and good map reading from the 28 Sqn pilot, they get through the Gap to the west and as they clear the wires at the highest point en route they see in a large field to the North 3 Griffins static but burning and turning.
Deciding that this was the missing Swallow Formation they try to call Odiham to let them know their position, only to be stepped on by the following
'ODiham this is Swallow ** 20 NMs to the south of your field, climbing through 900 ft to 3000ft inadvertant IMC request pickup and poisitioning for a recovery.'
followed by the other 2 straight after.
The 28 sqn pilot turned to the gazelle pilot and said 'thats what happens when you try following Gazelles you have no idea how much they know'
Morale of the stories: Don't follow another aircraft unless you know who it is and what they know.

psyan
12th Aug 2007, 08:21
658 Sqn. circa 1984 returning from a big NATO exercise in BAOR - Scout flight departed Minden following the standard route back to the UK but the weather deteriorated and there was an impromptu stop at Antwerp. The flight landed what seemed to be miles away from the terminal building on a huge expanse of nice clean concrete. Everyone piled off for a brew whilst the OC and others decided upon the next course of action.

The visibility was fairly good under a low but uniform cloud base and the decision was made to push on to Manston via Calais as planned. There they were, 6 Scouts all burning and turning when it was noticed that the OC had got out of his aircraft and was running towards one of the others down the line chopping his hand across his throat giving the recognised signal to cut engine. Everyone wound down to ground idle and crews craned their necks to see what the problem was.

The OC entered the disc of '3' and immediately walked to the side of the aircraft where there was a large clear puddle on the otherwise nice dry concrete under the aircraft near the rear cross tube.

Now as everyone knows, the old Scout had a decking well, under the engine that vented to the ground beneath in the area of the rear cross tube. It was common for accumulated water - or spilt fuel - to gather in the well and then vent to the ground.

The OC bent over and dabbed his finger into the liquid and then pushed it to his nose to smell and lick. Clearly concerned that there might be a fuel leak.

Satisfied that it was not fuel, the OC gave the thumbs up and retired back to his aircraft. The flight duly departed a few minutes later. How anyone in the flight managed to stay sensible for that trip to Manston is a wonder, each aircraft visibly 'bounced along' as the crew's tried to stay in control, gripped by fits of uncontrollable laughter. The 'chat' frequency [different from the one the OC believed to be in use] was buzzing the whole way.

In planning at Manston the OC's expression made it perfectly clear he had been informed the puddle he'd inspected diligently at Antwerp was in fact where the crew had had a last minute wazzz before take off.

It is not clear whether the OC [Nookie Nick the tumbler of Tumbledown - another story] was more annoyed at the event or the fact that everyone knew except him.

Soon the rest of the Sqn and the whole of Netheravon heard the tale and the following appeared on routine orders early the following week:

'WEF from [insert date] members of the squadron are forbidden to urinate or defecate anywhere except approved facilities whether in the field on exercise or at other location. Offenders will be dealt with severely.'

Wizzard
13th Aug 2007, 16:41
Bumpety Bump!

Jeep
16th Aug 2007, 13:05
Anyone shed any light on the following stories?

Anthrax story (Kenya)

Penguins in the mailsacks (Falklands)

Dog swallows bullet (Northern Ireland)

diginagain
16th Aug 2007, 13:14
Dog swallows bullet (Northern Ireland)

No, no, no, it should read "Dog swallows butter". The DGs (and others, it must be admitted) :rolleyes: would frequently force-feed the Rodney's dogs with butter and eggs.

Jeep
16th Aug 2007, 21:05
digin,

The story I am after is the one about the officers dog that was annoying everyone with peeing on legs and other such stuff. Pilot is loading his magazine, and can only count 9 rounds and states 'that dog ate one of my rounds'. The dog is whisked off to the vet and gets on the operating table before the round suddenly gets found again? something like that. someone knows it.

Jeep

Jeep
17th Aug 2007, 18:26
Team snake are on exercise and we have caused chaos with a weapon called HELARM NOW. The german cows are everywhere, washing has been dusted, kids blown into the lake ... you name it, we caused it. The CO is livid. He is one of them rare COs who is also a real pilot and didnt make any noise or downwash when he was flying Bell 47. He thinks up this wizzard idea, send the pilots out to apologise to the farmers. Team snake is the 659 party that has to take a driver and go and visit a particularly nasty noise complaint at a farm about 20 klicks away. As we get there i am thinking we are in a for a load of hurt but the farm complex looks quite plush, typically smelly and quite deserted.

Ring ring on the bell and out comes herman the farmer. I can parle a little sausage so i explain that we (3 grotty smelly exercise stinking lynx pilots) are the guilty bas_stards that scared his cattle earlier and we have come to apologise. He is amazed. Calls his frau and orders her to get the coffee. We are invited in, given a shower, fed some sausage and green stuff, enough beer and schnapps to kill a german elephant and after 3 hours of stories, drinking and admiring the stuffed game hanging from his wall, we are sent on our way with offers of a fresh visit the next night.

Back at the CP we report to our OC and explain that the noise complain is solved and that if he needs any more similar duty the next night, we are his men. Strangely enough we werent asked to do that again even though I was flying even lower the next day :)

Them wer't days.

Jeep.

empty014
21st Aug 2007, 03:42
detmold..stardate who gives a shit

oz exchange offr asks gz flt comdr and 1 other to take oz tankie cpl flying...no probs he's told. oz cpl (to be known as Bruce from here on) turns up and meets crew..a SSgt and a Sgt. bruce assumes ssgt is pilot & sgt is a crewman..and ignores sgt who is actually AC. off they go for a bimble. after 10 minutes or so AC asks if he can have a go on the sticks again. HP after much thought explains to bruce that there had been a slight accident last time lhs had been allowed to fly but he thought it would do him good to get his hand back on the stick again before he goes on his pilots course. Bruce slightly alarmed agrees to it after much reasurrance from HP. so control is handed over and the ac starts to pitch and roll around the sky under supervision from rhs.
Eventually some sort of control is regained and things settle down. conversation gets on to previous nites flying and how a very expensive nvg torch had been lost in a field, its was agreed that they should go and have a look for it, so a very dodgey approach was made by the ac to a very large field not too far from an ammo compound on the side of a hill. RHS explains to bruce that he is going to look for said torch and instructs LHS not to do anything whilst ensuring his harness is done up and door shut. off goes SSgt to look.

meantime lhs tells bruce that he thinks he can see the torch and was going to move for a better look........... bruce says he thinks this is a very very bad idea which is quickly confirmed as the aircraft lurches into the air, turbine squealing and proceeds down the field sideways at an alarming rate with the pilot assuring him that all is well, at the end of the field a full power climb is initiated to about 400ft whereupon the pilot declares to bruce (in a very shrill voice) he has lost it and throws in a very out of balance wingover, stuffs the nose down and screams "we're all going to die" as they race towards the deck.
Bruce by this stage has nearly ripped the pilots seat out of the floor with the vulcan death grip and is screaming just as loud for the pilot to do something, having watched the pilot being given effects of control lessons before he has enough presense of mind to tell him to pull the middle stick back and level the aircraft. this is duly done and the aircraft levels out just above the field and bruce is able to instruct the pilot how to slow down allowing them to come to a very bumpy run on landing.

the SSgt who was seen to be jumping up and down in the field screaming at the pilot come running over to see a very pale bruce almost in tears in the back seat. Jumping in and assuming control he berates the pilot for being so stupid and sets off home. on the way he asks bruce if its ok for lhs to have another go on the sticks just to get his confidence back, bruce isnt convinced but after a bit of persuasion agrees and a very shaky pilot takes over. as they chat the flying gets better and better and soon the lhs is performing all sorts of very smooth almost pilot like manoervers. Bruce fails to take in the ssgt telling him on a number of occasions that unlike the oz army the brits fly with 2 fully trained....ish.. pilots up front.

suddenly the penny drops and a most indignant bruce utters something about pommie bastards much to the merriment of the 2 scrotes up front. on arrival at detmold bruce departs before the rotors stop and without as much as a thank you.
witnesses in the crewroom were very surprised when an oz cpl storms into the crewroom, helps himself to a beer out of the fridge, downs it in one, throws the bottle in the corner and rushes out without a word. Just goes to show these bloody colonials have no manners whatsoever.

meantime 2 very amused pilots up on the pan were discussing their latest wizard wheeze, after seeing the funny side of it thoughts turned to what ifs......ie bruce had grabbed the controls or the pilot...worse still, what if he had had a heart attack

the only thing they could think of in that scenario would have been walking bruce down the pan between them and dumping him in the big green wheelie bin and insisting he had been ok when he left the aircraft.

it just goes to show how ungrateful some people can be though

Seriously though...if you are ever tempted to try something like this again,,,,,,,,,,,,,make sure there is a f***ing big wheelie bin around when you get back :ok:

empty014
21st Aug 2007, 04:16
having pressed the crew to take her flying the said passenger then proceeded to mock them by telling them they would never be able to do anything in a gaz that would impress her as she had flown in all the fast jets. Knowing when to admit defeat the crew went to the Kote for a coffee. Sitting by the window overlooking the gaz they waited till she ordered coffee and ordered coke for themselves. as soon as the drinks arrived they downed the coke excused themselve to the wee boys room and left through the kitchen paying the bill on the way.
the first the OC's wife knew something was wrong, was when the roar of the mighty astazou attracted her attention to the waving arms of the crew already strapped in to the gaz. by the time she got downstairs the gaz was ready to lift and as she closed the door off it went down the hillside ballsout.
she finally got a headset on and demanded to know what was going on, to be told they had done a runner and not to worry as they were only germans. Naturally she couldnt believe it but agreed not to say anything.
on arrival at detmold the crew informed the rqhi and the oc who then started to make enquiries after a phone complaint about a helicopter that had landed at the kote and done a runner not paying the bill.
True to her word she denied everything and gave the crew an alibi, sticking to her guns right up to the last happy hour before leaving when she was informed of the scam.....she was not a happy chappess

the moral of the story for those who dont know it is......
dont F**K with the baldies

Sloppy Link
21st Aug 2007, 07:43
I know of a tale of someone leaving their SMG on a TOW boom prior to a HELARM. Wasn't there when they got back. Jeep, care to comment?

Low Ball
21st Aug 2007, 09:54
Please please no more Jeep stories. Most of these tales seem to be while he was under my command and I'm loosing faith in myself at all the porkies I have clearly been telling to Promotion Boards and the like for him to have got as far as he has!!

:ugh:

:=

LB

diginagain
21st Aug 2007, 10:48
Spoilsport.

Sloppy Link
21st Aug 2007, 11:55
So, your'e the one to blame are you?

Jeep
21st Aug 2007, 17:17
Actually it was during a met check i lost it, and i am forever in debt to winky for spotting it again as we searched. never have i enjoyed cleaning a weapon so much.

We were on exercise that time because 662 were given extra time in the field. I seem to remember that HGS was the OC and on a previous exercise we got a gristogram in the middle of the night and the only sober/awake person in the unit was an airtpr in the CP.

I think Col Jim Orde was the CO at the time. He had previously been my OC and I will never forget him getting me out of the Scots guards nick on Christmas day 79 after the guard found me in the orderly officers bunk trying to use his phone to order a taxi.

I will also never forget being in the Scots guards nick the night reg and I shot mick douglas in the arse with an air rifle while i was on ROPS for being accused by their adjutant of stealing a breadroll from the kitchen i was cleaning - but thats another story.

Thanks for all the contributions so far, keep em coming. Voting takes place at the end of the month, so get your stories in print. Mega prize to be won.

SlickHueyDriver
21st Aug 2007, 18:20
Our steely eyed & very dapper young Lieutenant is barely out of the box when he lucks out on a short stint in Belize.

Off solo in his hydraulic palm tree he cruises past an island & spots a gaggle of babes sunning themselves on an otherwise deserted beach.

Cue the impromptu flying display! A few flick flacks, a wing-over (sort of) & a couple of fast low fly-bys waving to the babes & our ace is back to his task with not a care in the world.

On return to base late in the day he is perplexed at finding himself feet together explaining to the OC exactly where in his Auth 'display flying' was listed???

Miles of empty beaches & sea... how the hell was he spotted?

....Our hero had encountered the greatest intelligence gathering organisation this side of the Stasi... Of all the luck, he'd displayed to the Wive's Club beach outing, organised by the OC's wife :o(


(PS.. see u at Helitech mate if you're still working for RR)

JHC Wilton
22nd Aug 2007, 20:21
There was the ugly Lynx A/C Comd (the antichrist) whilst trooping in the Emerald Toilet, happened to look back into the cabin just as a bored but inquisitive squaddie unplugged one of the headset leads from the roof to see what it was. Quick as a flash, the ugly one cried "I have control" and then promptly flew it as if the mighty Lynx was totally out of control. The cries of "put it back!" from the distressed pilot meant the the other 5 pax took it on themselves to reconnect the obviously important lead as quickly as possible. They were fighting each other as they struggled against each other's efforts. The poor sod who unplugged the lead never knew what hit him as his former buddies let him know what they thought of his attempt to kill them all!

JHC Wilton
24th Aug 2007, 00:09
Must be time for the Chipmunk stories....
Prior to a solo sortie PC had arranged to meet his mate 4k over Salisbury for some serious air to air. At the appointed time, PC spots his prey, dives out of the sun and commences the 'dagga, dagga, dagga' noises as he swoops down on to the unsuspecting Chipmunk, except, as he closes he notices the rear canopy is whitewashed.......
(Wrong cab and this one, since it's doing IF, will have a QFI on board!)
Later, with his heels together and beret on, he was asked by the CFI why he was making 'dagga, dagga, dagga' noises over the R/T.
PC reckoned his promising career in aviation was already over and so had nothing to loose by saying "I was too close for missiles and so had to go to guns"

Wizzard
31st Aug 2007, 21:35
March 1980, 662 were taking 6 brand new Lynx back to Munster. We stopped at Calais for fuel and coffee and were back in the aircraft about to depart when a voice on the UHF chat (Bob G) said "I cant move the collective, I think it's jammed" Quick as a flash the Boss says "right everybody get ready to lift, No 6 shut down, grab your kit and leg it to No 5 as quick as you can" Bob and Zip (I think) jump in the back of my cab and the boss calls for take-off which is granted. By now Bob's aircraft was sitting in an ever-spreading pool of hydraulic fluid. As we cross the airfield boundary air traffic guy says "ay Army, you have left one behind!" Oh how we laughed :)

Clockwork Mouse
1st Sep 2007, 11:37
Would fly the Sioux out onto the moors, land and dump the passenger door, passenger assembled shotgun, hang out of the open door and off we would go after duck for dinner. Duck have similar cruise speed and turning circle to a Sioux, so it was a fair fight. Had to make sure we didn't pepper the blades though!