Cheerful ATC 's and Pilots in Africa......

[Jam Doughnuts]

Saw the cheerful radar post in the European section..... So figured a similar theme as there are plenty interesting more and amusing ones to be found in the African side of things.....

Not only do we have the ill trained and ill equipped doing the impossible every day, but we have to contend with the russians doing their on air shopping and what ever else they feel like...

What a wonderful continent we work in :)

Here are couple for starters.....

ATC " Cleared take off, climb out to sea, call overhead my station level two five zero "

A/C "Why?"

ATC "Cleared take off, climb out to sea, call overhead my station level two five zero "

A/C "You Know Catumbella, I'm so heavy today that if i do that its going to F*ck up my whole day......"


ATC "OK climb over my station report level two five zero next " :D


I almost crashlanded the otherday as I thought my FO had actually transmitted.... tears of laughter at 20 ft above the runway dont make for a pretty arrival...it was an otherwise normal appoach...

ATC " XYZ In sight cleared to land "

A/C " OK sir XYZ cleared to land "

as I start the flare a paniced voice comes on the radio " Captain, Captain.....be advised the runway is wet and slippery !!!"

FO "Yeah, like your mama !"

well that was it.....havn't laughed so much for a very long time... but as always the timing of things, like the subsequent landing was less than perfect....


Last week was also fairly amusing...... the usual train smash to get start in one of our beloved african airports... the russians transmitting over each other, everyone else, and doing their on air shopping at the same time..... everyone else getting stepped on and passing half messages....the ATC getting more and more stressed... and the more he got stressed the higher his pitch got and the louder he shouted into the Mic......eventually there was a slight lul in the calls as everyone came up for air...so the one guy manages to get in a whole message.. probably the first that morning.....

A/C " Tower XYZ requesting start !!"

TWR " XZY I give you start clearance 3 times already you must listen out on the radio, I give you start. you must start now and call me ready for taxi it is very busy today you must listen out.........."

the tirade continued for a little while longer, as you could just picture the guy, Mic in hand getting closer and closer to the window and higher and higher in his seat as he vented.... without missing a beat the captain replied very cooly and calmly...

"Sir please sit down when you say that, and we are now ready for taxi"

suitable deflated the tower replied....

"Thankyou Captain, cleared taxi".....

well I have loads more... but brain hurts now........... lets see what else is out there :D

[Herc Jerk]

When asked for conditions at FNxx, A/C replied with;

"You mean the weather, the wind, the strip, or the war?"

[blueline69]

I will say it again , and those who have flown in/out of Luanda will understand : Calling Luanda ? :D

[blueline69]

A lady captain was asked if she wanted an intersection take off or the full length. "I Always take the full length" was her reply... :D

[Chris2]

On a day with crystal clear blue skies...

"Luanda Control... Springbok 054... request your latest weather please"

"Springbok 054... Luanda weather NOT available"

My captain mutters "Look out the f*&%king window"

:D


"Calling Luanda ???"

[ 04 November 2001: Message edited by: Dutchie2 ]

[wheels up]

Overheard at Lanseria:

Student: Lanseria tower, FUJ good morning.

Lanseria: Good morning FUJ, go ahead.

Student: FUJ, a Charlie 172, 2 on board, requesting taxi instructions to the GF.

Lanseria: Certainly FUJ. Leave the apron at gate 5, taxi down the access road to the stop sign. Turn right and proceed to the T junction .....

[covertwar]

Ghana Airways DC-10: Accra tower, good evening, nine golf alpha november bravo.

Accra: go ahead niner golf alpha november bravo

9G-ANB: we are in the maintenance area and we request taxi to the bay.

accra: stand by, i have two departures

9g-anb: standing by

(twenty mins pass, ethiopian 767 and klm 767 take off, controller has apparently forgotten about the mechanic)

9g-anb: accra, nine golf alpha november bravo standing by

accra: roger

9g-anb: we are still requesting taxi to the bay.

9g-anb: we dont have apu so no anti-collision lights

accra: say again

(repeats)

accra: roger

9g-anb: are we approved yet?

accra: stand by!

9g-anb: but you said you would let us after the two departures!

accra: stand by!!!

accra: stay off my frequency

9g-anb: ok, but advise them them that well depart as ghana 770 at 2300

(accra ignores him for a while and finally approves the ferry.)

this shows the typical usually very "cordial" relationship between ghanaian mechanics and air traffic controllers...

[Jelly Doughnut]

Somewhere in deepest darkest Africa...

ATC "Air Burkina 123 you are cleared to Abidjan. After departure left turn. Climb Level 210"

A/C "Cleared Abidjan. After departure left turn. Climb level 210"

ATC "That is...... Charlie!"

A/C "No... my name's not Charlie"

ATC "Ahhh..... sorry for you!"


after 30 seconds

ATC "What is your name?"

A/C "My name is Roger"

ATC "Ahhh... RRRooooogggg!!"

:ok: :ok: :ok:

[james ozzie]

Along with hearing calls for "Johannesburg Ground" while in Cape Town (steely silence from ATC...) the best I heard was a pilot on Cape Town Ground frequency wishing the passengers a safe journey & to mind their heads when retreiving hand baggage. It could have been worse I guess, if he had requested a start & push back from the passengers...

You heavy metal jockeys would understand which buttons get mixed up for this.

[ou Trek dronkie]

Friend of mine, coming back to Joeys in a 210, yonks ago, decided the pax would love a bit of low level. So, thundering over the veld at about 100 KIAS or so, he gives them the works. Then the engine stops, so he stooms up to find a place to crash and transmits “Mayday Mayday Mayday, ZS ***, engine out, 25 mile NW Gaborones, crash landing” or something like it.
You know.
“Station calling, say your callsign”
“Station calling, say your message again”
“Station calling Gaborones, say again your message !!!”

A voice from afar :

“He said he’s crashing, you :mad:t

oTd

[sky waiter]

While i was sitting in my 150 at the hold on taxi way E at FACT with my instructor on a particularly busy day, a sax CRJ was told to expect late landing clearance, on short finals in a very official tone

"AH tower landig clearance before christmas please"

Tower very courtiesly cleared him to land.:}

[Gunship]

Many moons ago a Dak Driver explained in explicit detail what sexual position his is going to do with the new ATC while holding for take off at FADN.

Apparently as in explicit with a few great details as he met this lady at the officers mess the previous evening.

When she answered back on the radio (after he released the tx button) she just answered his pecker was too small and he had a sh*t smile ...

He then realised he transmitted and made sure he did not do a trip to Dunno's again .. ;)

Apparently the chirps from the 20 odd instructors in the circuit was endless (and the CAF was on board) :E

[Solid Rust Twotter]

A gentleman in a certain central African nation got a little flustered and forgot the fellows name. Began calling him "Rodney", much to the delight of those listening....:E

[Woof etc]

Genuine radio transmission a couple of years back between Cessna 185 pilot and Pietersburg International (in those days) tower.

Cessna 185:

MAYDAY, MAYDAY, MAYDAY: ZS-ABC Engine failure, attemping forced landing on the Dendron road.

Pietersburg International:

Roger ABC, say persons on board and endurance?

[SebasW]

Anyone who has flown in or around West Africa will probably agree that one of the first radio calls all West African ATC's learn is:

"Stand by, call you back..."

which is shortly followed by:

"Say again..."

[El Peligroso]

West Africa is a SPECIAL place.

Of all 360 radials available from the Lagos VOR you are most likely to be cleared inbound, through the biggest thunderstorm, on the same radial as the opposite outbound climbing traffic. Then, when you've practiced your TCAS maneuvers techniques there's a pretty good chance that in an echoed transmission which redefines Kellog’s “snap, crackle, pop” sensation you'll get cleared for the ILS 18 which is unserviceable according to NOTAM.

You advise the controller of this and ask him if it is now working?

“Ehfem sir, you are cleared for the ILS 18.”
“What is your POB and endurance?”

You can’t really understand what relevance the endurance would be at 40nm from destination, but maybe you missing something…… So a little confused, and concerned as to why the ILS is not coding you continue to thunder in for a few more miles before passing this info on to ATC…

“Lagos, confirm ILS is on the air? We’re not receiving it.”
“Ehh…Ehfem, cleared for the VOR 18. Contact Lagos tower on …”

So you franticly reprogram the “box” revert to the VOR approach, switch to tower and break the smog barrier at MDA to find Boris and Igor happily lining up in their Herc-ski totally oblivious of the fact that there is about 190 tons of aircraft about to fall on their heads! You Go-Around and contact ATC who now tells you to turn right on Delta and proceed to gate 41! The reason for the endurance call now becomes evident and you remind the guy that you are actually STILL IN THE AIR!

“Ehh, Rog. Climb x000’, turn right to the LAG for the ILS 18!”
:uhoh:

[4HolerPoler]

Great post El P - so true, so true. African aviation at it's best!

4HP

[Shrike200]

Somewhere over West Africa:

UN-XXX (A B727): 'Roberts centre, UN-XXX, maintaining level 290, request climb to level 330.'

Roberts (An 'ATC'): ...........zzz.........

UN-XXX: (Repeats call)

Roberts: '...........(muffled).....ation calling?'

UN-XXX: (Repeats call)

Roberts: '....say again (very excited voice)!!!'....(sounds of double transmission)

UN-XXX: (Repeats calll- evidence of exasperation)

Roberts: 'Climb FL 330, call maintaining.'

UN-XXX: '(Happy voice) Climb to FL330, call you maintaining, UN-XXX'

(UN-XXX now makes a fatal African mistake: he tries to helpfully mention that Roberts's relay station is causing a problem, and can they kindly do something about it?)

UN-XXX: 'Roberts, just be advised that your relay station is causing a double transmission, can you just use one station at a time?'

Roberts (utterly baffled, acts as though he's never heard this person before despite only seconds having passed; where could he have come from?): '....last caller, er, say again?'

UN-XXX: (Repeats call, has flashbacks)

Roberts: 'UN-XXX, confirm maintaining level 330?'

UN-XXX (still climbing, since he just got clearance to do so seconds ago): Repeats call, now deeply regretting he said anything, but determined to do his duty for flight safety.

Roberts: 'UN-XXX, confirm your request?'

UN-XXX: (sounds of gnashing teeth - Repeats call)

Roberts: 'UN-XXX, call maintaining level 330.'

UN-XXX: '(Voice of deep resignation) Call maintaining level 330, UN-XXX'


In conclusion: Most ten-year old school children have better SA, logic, and ears than these 'ATC's'!

[4granted]

Kin: " SM how dou you read?"

SM: " 3 by 5 Kinshasa"

Kin: " 3.5 DME... Roger call over head the KSA with Ndolo in sight..."

SM: "Kinshasa, SM is 40 DME but we call overhead KSA......"


Kin: " Station calling Kinshassss....????"


Just have to laugh and lookout....

4G


:cool: :cool:

[Solid Rust Twotter]

Also noticed very talkative controllers sometimes who treat you like their best friend and have long conversations with you. After landing you see his girlfriend, whom he's trying to impress, with him in the tower.

Once she's sufficiently impressed, you can call until you go blue and not recieve an answer. Use unmanned field procedures, taxi out and get a bollocking from him after you're airborne for not calling him.....:rolleyes:

[maxrated]

Any of the contract dogs remember the famous ATC of Herat Airport in western Afgahnistan, Mr Saaghi, who gave the most eloquent and descriptive met reports over the radio.

A/C : Herat tower good morning Red Coss xyz inbound eta etc etc request surface conditions.

ATC; My dear beautifull captain, weather in Herat is beautifull today, sun is shining , wind is only gently from the south and visability is far away to the mountains, mabey raining little bit this afternoon , In sh'Allah, be advisd there are some beautifull horses next to runway.

Anyone flying the Paki/ Afgahn contract know if he is still there ?

[Jelly Doughnut]

A/C: Herat Tower, good morning, UN 65W, overhead Chuckcheran, FL250. Estimate Herat etc.

ATC: Good Morning My Dear Captain, how are you, this is Herat tower. Confirm position Charlie Charlie, Charlie Charlie?

A/C: Morning My Dear Controller, position Charlie Charlie, Charlie Charlie.

ATC: My dear captain, you are welcome to Herat............ etc

:ok:


And on another occasion

A/C: Herat Tower, UN 65W, request startup for Peshawar, POB endurance etc

ATC: UN 65W. My dear captain, you are clear start. And when you start, you are clear taxi. You know, you are clear to enter and backtrack, and you are also clear take off. Have a nice flight I am going for lunch. bye bye.

:D :D

[I.R.PIRATE]

Oh yes !! Our dear controller is still there, and more happy than ever.

What also makes for a good laugh, is when flying in the vicinity of Herat, to call up on tower freq, and just sing , " ONE TANA MERA "...he just cannot resist taking over the song from there.

Only problem is these days the Spanish Airforce/Army have taken over Herat, and one can hear them in the background, prompting him all the way. And we will just say absolutely NOTHING about those two useless excuse for marshallers, the Spanish have decided to leave out in the 40 deg sun to rot.
Burn bi-aaaatchess!!!!!!


Made me move my aircraft exactly 2 meters to the right of where I had stopped today, obviously requiring some ser-i-ass manoeuvering. what a knob...

Burn mother*#$@%& burn....:cool:

[Woof etc]

Yesterday in Algeria:

ATC: ZS-ABC, are you ready for immediate departure

US: Affirm

ATC: ZS-ABC line up and wait....



and a while back just after departure:


ATC: ZS-ABC what is your minimum rate of climb?

Us: uuhhh, you mean maximum rate of climb?

ATC: No,no,no, what is your minimum rate of climb

Us: Our minimum rate of climb is zero feet a minute

Silence (can hear cogs turning)

ATC: ZS-ABC say again

Us: OK, minimum rate of climb 1000 fpm

Silence

Us: Would you like us to climb at minimum rate of climb?

ATC: Yes, please

[Woof etc]

Hey Jelly Man

Whats happening out there??

Back in Jelly territory next week. The camels out here are missing you...

[Jelly Doughnut]

Woof, the cows here are better :ok:

[Woof etc]

mmMMMMoooooOOOOO