Mess Pranks

[Grimweasel]

Hello all,

As the BoB dinner season is upon us, I'm wondering what PPruner's favourite mess jinx are......?

Looking to sabotage the dinner places with a few good tricks this Fri you see....

My fav is the Dry ice bomb (in small panda coke bottle) under the table, or dental gel (nivocaine) around the wine glass inducing a numb 'bubba' like bottom lip on the un witting victim!!!!

Regards

Weasel

[BluntM8]

Weasel.

Mainly there are "standards" which everyone knows and loves. At one time there was a definitive list on here, my copy of which I've lost into my hard drive somewhere. I'll reproduce what I remember.

Pre-dinner prep: Time spent preparing the room is never wasted. Consider the following: Tie knives and forks to chairs with thin thread, tie chairs together. Fill napkins with talc, place pictures of ladies beneath place mats (so that when the mats are removed they remain on the table), stratecigly placed alarm clocks/mobiles beneath chairs, novocaine on glasses, party poppers of ice aimed at laps and fired by a sting across the table.

During dinner: Not much scope before the speaches, but you might try these. Potholing - take a drink and get beneath the tables. Aim is to make it look like PMC has had an accident. Expect a good kicking, at best. A whole table may occasionally make a break for the door by some co-ordinated shuffling.

After dinner: Well, once you're out of the room the usual bar games apply. Tug-o-war being popular.

I'll try to find my full guide and post it, but I hope this helps in the meantime.

Blunty

[radarman]

A few ideas from when I was in the RAF.
Drop Alka-Seltzer tablet into neighbour's coffee cup just before steward pours coffee. It's white, and the same size as standard Mess coffee cups so won't be noticed. Reaction takes a few seconds to get going, so steward won't notice anything amiss while he is pouring. But once it starts, you have a coffee Vesuvius that is unstoppable.
Chilli powder surreptitiously sprinkled on neighbour's main course.
Blue food dye dropped into PMC's beer.
Banger-type firework dropped into someone's pint after dinner. Wait until the main fuse starts fizzing, drop it into drink and retire immediately. Once the fuse is fizzing it will continue to burn and explode even immersed in beer.
Stink bombs.
Those paper-twist pellets with a little pebble inside that explode when thrown.

[Grimweasel]

Many thanks Guys....should have a hoot with a few of those!

[BEagle]

Met balloons full of talcum powder fittted with a slow burning fuse timed for around the speeches work well.

Small electric water pump, suitable tank, nozzle, pipework, battery and switch. Install nozzle under top table at willy-height of PMC, operate switch at crucial moment in mid-speech.....

Best of all, though, is a greased piglet or two introduced via the dining room windows by suitable chums during the speeches.

Or a pheasant if you can catch one. If not, a pair of ducks is quite effective.

[TheInquisitor]

Better still to use a whole network of thinnish pipery, lots of T-pieces, and rig the whole top table. A fire extinguisher provides just the right amount of pressure to gently soak a 20-strong top table simultaneously (a spare procured from the fire section of course, NOT one nicked from the lobby! - and FFS don't be tempted to let off a dry powder variety indoors; Very messy, and difficult (and expensive) to clean up afterwards...er, says a mate of mine...

Tampon Fishing - popular for a while, seems to have died an early death though. Requires a long fishing rod (an extendable roach pole is ideal and aids pre-dinner concealment), a 3-4' approx lenght of fishing line, and a super-heavy-mega-flow variety tampon. Basic premise is to hoist said dangling implement over a mate's head from behind (without him noticing, preferably) and lower into his wine glass. A large enough tampon will suck a wine glass dry in seconds. Now simply lift sodden device clear and watch the astonishment on victim's face. (Tip - white wine only!!! You wouldn't believe how much it costs to have red wine stains removed from mess carpets...my mate tells me..).

If you have plenty of time to prepare pre-dinner, and especially if your dining facility has a high ceiling with high-set windows, or a musician's balcony, you should consider Skywiring - Use taut lengths of clear fishing line, which will be almost invisible to the diners, between two strategic points, with concealment at one end. You can then use fireworks, mini-CO2 cylinders, etc to propel objects of your choosing from their hiding places and across the dining room at an opportune moment. The best example I have seen of this involved model Spitfires and Messerschmits flying across the dining room at a BofB DIN. Powered by mini-rockets, the perpertrators obviously put some time into this stunt, as the Messerschmit, flying relatively slowly, broke cover first and was then intercepted by a faster-moving Spitfire, resulting in the perfectly-timed explosion of the dastardly hun. Result - biggest, loudest, and longest cheers / round-of-applause I have ever witnessed at a DIN.

[QFIhawkman]

I always find that secreting a pig's bladder (see your butcher) in your armpit, with a length of fine tubing running the length of your arm and to the cuff works wonders.

Fill said bladder with ox blood (again, see butcher, he'll help with stitching given half a crate) then, during the main course, pump arm against bladder whilst pointing (with the "live" arm) at your dining companion's dish.

Exclaim how rare the beef is tonight.

(Works best if you point at the CAS's beef. Then his Mess dress. Or his Wife.)

[ORAC]

Clingfilm over the top of the wineglass - works in the ladies loo as well......

You used to be able to get hold of the 2 sachet refills for foam extinguishers. Partially inflated balloon around bend in loo to stop it flushing, one sachet in bowl, second sachet in cistern. Stanf back and wait for xx cubic metres of expanding foam....

All a bit messy though.

[LowObservable]

Best of all, though, is a greased piglet or two introduced via the dining room windows by suitable chums during the speeches.

A variation on the above is four greased piglets, carefully and visibly numbered - 1,2,3 and 5. :E

[cynicalint]

get the dentist to drill a small hole in the bottom of a wine glass......seeps out nice and slowly

[South Bound]

It is bloody ages since I have seen a decent jape-filled D-In - do they really still happen? Looking forward to my first BofB in a few years and do hope some of the above will be going on.

I just worry that we are beating personality out of people and discourage japes accordingly. I was virtually castigated for removing someone's seat when they left without permission at one recent event - what is the world coming too? I seem to be one of the few that will even banter speakers (and I am far too old, should know better), let alone bomb them!

Have fun fellas, sort out the bill in the morning and have your No 1s/apology letters ready to visit the Boss.

[PompeySailor]

Takes some organising, but...

Catheterise some friends. All except the newest/greenest. Pre-dinner, drink lots......Swamp or die for the poor little newbie......

[Cumbrian Fell]

A few years ago as a JO I decided that the best way to dispose of a marine anti-col flare was to ignite it at a Northumbrian FC base (sorry, station) after a dining in. Suffice to say, the short, and rather rotund stn cdr didn't think that this was a particularly amusing stunt as the magnesium flare bounced along the carpet and (luckily) into the garden. He was apoplectic (yes - he did subsequently have a heart attack) because he was hosting the Chief Executive of the Northumbrian Fire Service at the time.
For my obvious sin of injecting life into a FC function, I was immediately awarded a QR1074 (Formal Reprove) and sent to Leeming in disgrace. The write up began:
[Cumbian Fell] you are rapidly becoming aburden on the Royal Air Force'. I can chuckle now, as a senior officer....
Interesting, though, how stories like this get a life of their own. Some years later a group of Baby FCs were regailing me of a story about how half the Mess burned down and a number of people were permanently blinded when a radar anti-collision flare was released by a chopped FC. At least the chopped bit was correct, thank f&$k!

[Lone Kestrel]

BEagle,

I was at Cgy on 29 Sqn when the said greased piglet was added to the evening during OC 228 OCU’s farewell speech. The idea came from 2 sqn ldrs, John Sp**r and a Mick M****n. As you mentioned in another thread, Courtney (still going strong and presently at High Wycombe) plus myself and a guy called Pete McC were the JPs whose job it was to put the bl00dy thing in. At first the poor thing just stood there but after a few minutes and various remarks from those assembled it started to move around and make quite a lot of noise. At the start the good Wg Cdr ignored it but eventually gave up and sat down. The Stn Cdr – Willy J -eventually stood up and said ‘Gentleman of 29 Sqn – catch that pig’. It was not easy but the best part was that OC A Flt, R** Trotter, actually managed to get hold of the thing. The rest is much as has already been reported. We took the piglet back to the local farm – minus the box which was left outside the window and caused the bomb squad to come out the next day. When we did get back to the bar we found that the sqn had been thrown out and were at the Sqn Cdr’s. We were all called in over the weekend and told not to mention the incident.

Needless to say, on the following Monday morning as I approached a tanker we were met by some pig type calls from 56 Sqn who were already plugged in so much foe secrecy!

Not sure if you would get away with such a prank nowadays but suffice to say Courtney went on to greater things and carried on adding to the fun during Guest Nights.

[alex_holbrook]

Not so much a prank but...
When Princess Margaret visited the Mess in a base which I have forgotten, she decided she needed to use the toilet to take a numero duo. Problem was, this had to be done in a portaloo. When said act was completed, a mischievous rascal removed the excrement from the toilet, had it preserved, and it was mounted on the wall for I don't know how long. :} :E := :\

[evilroy]

Hehehehe - please - keep 'em coming.

Next week is our annual FAA Mess Dinner and as the social sec, you are giving me ideas!

[Mike Read]

In his new book "Best of Breed", page 179, Nigel Walpole describes a dining night at Muharraq in 1968 when 8 Sqn "announced their arrival with a huge bang followed by a cloud of fluorescent sea dye marker billowing out from the airconditioning system overhead".

Read the book - its about real aeroplanes!

[Pontius Navigator]

Not so much a prank but...
When Princess Margaret visited the Mess in a base which I have forgotten, she decided she needed to use the toilet to take a numero duo. Problem was, this had to be done in a portaloo. When said act was completed, a mischievous rascal removed the excrement from the toilet, had it preserved, and it was mounted on the wall for I don't know how long. :} :E := :\

Is this a Cumbrian fell story I wonder?

The one I heard was the Chief's mess, Ark Royal and the Queen Mum.

The plumbing from the wardroom was reputed to pass through the Chief's flats so . . .

[EODFelix]

Memories.... Senior Service(???) taking over Mess to celebrate Taranto Night. Old and Bold V famous RN tp giving account of battle. Cue large Swordfish transiting dinning room, simulated flak explosions etc and a torpedo dropped to run and hit battleship model. Over enthusiastic use of pyros result in 2 metre vis for all concerend and look of utter disbelief on face of visting USN tutor next to me. Good old days!!!

[Cumbrian Fell]

PN, I suspect that the story about Princess Margaret's log is appocraphal; I remember hearing a similar story about a souvenir from the (late) King of Tonga. I don't resort to toilet humour; however I can confirm that the Boulmer story is true - October 1992, to be precise. Lost my PC as a result of the QR 1072. Oh how I laughed...

[Chris Kebab]

It was Prince Charles on HMS Britannia in about 1985 when I first heard it!