View Full Version : What's the most stupid question you've heard?


419
12th Sep 2006, 10:58
There I was in Debenhams department store yesterday, and I decided I would pop into their restaurant for some lunch.
One of the "girls" serving the food (looked like an Addams family reject), about 19 years old, and was probably in her first job.
There was a woman in front of me who asked her what the vegetarian choice was. At first, she looked totally lost, then turned to the chef and asked
"Is scampi a vegetable?",
and it was a serious question.



Rone-reeRock
12th Sep 2006, 11:09
At least you didn't say it was "the stupidest..." So what was the answer?



Never upset the cafe staff, you'll end up eating a "rim Steak"....

verticalhold
12th Sep 2006, 11:14
The one I truly detest when on the phone, normally to some monolithic organisation is "what was your name?" To which I normally reply "it was Hitler but I changed it to Verticalhold to avoid embarrasment and Nazi hunters." Normal resonse to that one is "Huh?"

The stupidist question I have ever been asked was "Does it hurt?" By a school teacher. I had a compound fracture of the right arm.

The stupidist question I have asked. "Will you marry me?" Well somebody had to get that one in first:ok:

scruggs
12th Sep 2006, 11:16
Where did you lose it?

Davaar
12th Sep 2006, 11:25
In a convenience store "up the Valley":

Q. Do you have any pocket combs?
A. Huh?
Q. Do you have any pocket combs?
A. A spocket comb?
Q. No. A pocket comb. But if you have any spocket combs, I'd like one of those too.
A. (passing query to Management) Hi! Bill! Do we have any spocket combs? No we have no spocket combs.
Q. Do you think you'll be getting any spocket combs in?
A. Maybe next week.
Q. Thanks. I'll be coming back this way and I'll look in again. Maybe the spocket combs will have arrived by then.
A. Yeah.

ormus55
12th Sep 2006, 11:26
does my bum look big, in these?

ORAC
12th Sep 2006, 11:29
Just pointed this out to my mate sitting next to me. He tells me he was on holiday with his girl friend in New Zealand and they stopped for lunch.

He ordered the special, his girlfriend, who is a veggie, scanned the menu then said to the waitress: "This all looks like it has meat in it, do you have anything vegetarian?"

The waitress. allegedly, thought for a few seconds, then replied: "Well, there´s the chicken".....

Buster Hyman
12th Sep 2006, 11:29
Q: Do you think you are the best person for the job?
A: ....Yes....

**********

Although not technically a question...

Oh look, they have International year of the family in Australia too! (2 Kiwis):rolleyes:

BUMPFF
12th Sep 2006, 11:30
I always answer the phone by distinctly announcing my name. Usual first question: "Could I have your name please?"
--------------------------------------------
Are you going out at all?

Gainesy
12th Sep 2006, 11:33
Bloke in the pub a few years ago:"Is the garden outside?"

Landlord "Er, yes, we only bring it in if its going to rain".

ORAC
12th Sep 2006, 11:34
I-94W - Question C: "Have you ever been or are you now involved in espionage or sabotage; or in terrorist activities".........

AVIATECA
12th Sep 2006, 11:45
In my days working on reservations for a protuguese tour operator;

Travel Agent: It says 900 m to the beach, is that 900 metres or 900 miles?
Me: Well, both really. 900 metres to the nearest beach, but Worthing is about
900 miles.

ormus55
12th Sep 2006, 11:46
i worked in the furniture trade for some yrs. we had a huge bank holiday promotion for a bed priced at 99 quid. massive advertising budget. huge signs outside the shop. large signs inside the shop. a humongous sign over the display bed.

customer,
Q. how much is the bed?

me,
A. £7347.68p
(you feckin moron, muttering under my breath).


ps.
the same weekend, a lady in the shop, (talking on her mobile to her daughter), asked me, "excuse me, but where am i"?:D

Silversmith
12th Sep 2006, 11:52
Anything the dentist asks you whilst your mouth is filled with several clamps, three hands, a suction machine and an air wrench...


"aaaaaaa aaaaaaaaa aaa aaaaaaaa aaaaaaaa aaaaaaaaa aaaaaaaa" is usually the answer...

Silversmith
12th Sep 2006, 11:57
Whilst walking down a bridal way and coming across a huge pile of horse poo, my better half (!) says "Do they bring horses down here?"

.
.
.
.
No a little man comes down each morning with a large sack of the stuff to give that impression....

Parapunter
12th Sep 2006, 11:58
Do these planes crash often?

Only once.




Do you have a criminal record?

- I've got Agadoo by Black lace.

Rone-reeRock
12th Sep 2006, 11:58
The stupidist question I have ever been asked.......D'OH...!!! :ugh:

The stupidist question I have asked......D'OH...!!! :ugh:

That dentist question is like the most commonly-asked stupid question women ever cume out with:

"Will you still love me???"

Except it usually sounds like, "Wuuuughh yuuuughh thtuuuugh yuuuugh mmuuuugh???"
:p :p

Rone-reeRock
12th Sep 2006, 12:00
Whilst walking down a bridal way and coming across a huge pile of horse poo, my better half So when you walk down the aisle in Pommyland, they through horse-shit at you???

An odd custom. Down here it's usually confetti.
:rolleyes:

ORAC
12th Sep 2006, 12:01
women ever cume out with Hmmm, freudian.....

King of the Beet Lowlands
12th Sep 2006, 12:05
Said by my girlfriend whilst holding her mobile phone in her hand,
"Have you seen my phone?"
And, said by cabin crew on a flight I was positioning on,
"So where are you going?"
They are both blonde.........

Nick Riviera
12th Sep 2006, 12:21
Do you have a criminal record?
- I've got Agadoo by Black lace.

That is exactly what I said when asked the same question during the interview for my current job. Should have told me something when they still employed me.

Impress to inflate
12th Sep 2006, 12:57
Do you want a pay rise ?

Pan Pan Splash
12th Sep 2006, 13:20
Sitting at railway crossing - Bimbette in passenger seat says "I wonder how many wheels that train has"?

"93" I replied..

"Oh" she says.. then, having dwelled a pause of two marching paces, chirps up.. "That can't be right, it must have an even number.." to which I responded "Yeah but you are forgetting the spare."

"Oh of course.." she says..

The stupid.. you get 'em in the end!!!:ok:

Ops Dude
12th Sep 2006, 13:28
On the old style application for a tax disc, there was a paragraph about how it was illegal to drive your motor without road tax. Beside this was a tick the box question saying....Have you driven your car without a tax disc? Um.........

G-CPTN
12th Sep 2006, 13:41
Several times:-
Go into a shop and ask:-
"Do you stock (widgets)?"
"No. There's no call for them. . . . We're always being asked for them, but there's no call for them . . . "
:ugh:

toothpic
12th Sep 2006, 13:56
Standing remorsefully in front of the Headmaster at my old school, he was bending and flexing the cane...."Do you know what this means?" he asked menacingly, to which my totally stupid partner in crime responded "Yes you're trying to break it but you're not strong enough!!"
Suffice to say neither of us did a lot of sitting down for the rest of the day

Kev

airborne_artist
12th Sep 2006, 14:05
As a young Midshipman I made my way to the top of the Rock on my first visit to Gib.

I stood, admiring the view in the winter sunshine, facing South. Next to me, facing the same way, stood a generously proportioned American couple.

She turned to him and said "Gee, Elmer, what's that big island over there?"

The Hustler
12th Sep 2006, 14:10
Walking past the entrance to Edinburgh Waverley train station, when a tourist comes out with his bags, looks up at the castle, and asks why it wasn't built nearer the train station.

So many facetious answers, so little time . . .

Also (again in Edinburgh) - "What time does the 1 o'clock gun go off?"

G-CPTN
12th Sep 2006, 14:11
Walking through one of the Courts of one of the ancient Cambridge (England) Colleges I was accosted by 'Elmer' - "Say, buddy. Is there a catheederal here?"

Where do you START? Yes, but no, but yes, but no, but . . .

paulc
12th Sep 2006, 14:13
Heard once in local tourist attraction - "when are they going to put heating / air con in" - this in a 900+ year old cathedral.

Waking past a couple (no prizes for nationality) on the Great Wall of China - overheard woman say "is this communist China or the other one" - doh!

Sat on Emb145 in the USA - bloke in front "gee I did not think Boeing made anything this small"

G-CPTN
12th Sep 2006, 14:14
Walking past the entrance to Edinburgh Waverley train station, when a tourist comes out with his bags, looks up at the castle, and asks why it wasn't built nearer the train station.

Now in NEWCASTLE, they demolished part of the 'New' Castle to make way for the Railway Station. Berwick too, I believe?
I have, however, wondered frequently why many towns HAVEN'T got the Station near the Town. Whaddya mean? They had to build it on the RAILWAY?

colmac747
12th Sep 2006, 15:03
Do you want me to take the back of my hand across your face?



:ugh:

Mr Lexx
12th Sep 2006, 15:12
A spotty yoof in Halfords.

Me:Hi, do you have an Oil filter for a 2000 Mustang 3.8L V6?

Yoof: A what?

Me: A Ford Mustang

(furious tapping on keyboard)

Yoof: Is that like a Mondeo?

Me: Goodbye...

Moral of the story? If you do not drive a very mainstream car, steer away from the yoofs at Halfords.

mcgoo
12th Sep 2006, 15:23
I worked in a Pine furniture store some years back:

Woman: Can you make me a chest of drawers without any of them knots in?

Me: Yes, as soon as I can grow a branchless tree.

amanoffewwords
12th Sep 2006, 15:24
Nice day today isn't it?

:zzz:

BluntM8
12th Sep 2006, 15:38
A spotty yoof in Halfords.
Me:Hi, do you have an Oil filter for a 2000 Mustang 3.8L V6?
Yoof: A what?
Me: A Ford Mustang
(furious tapping on keyboard)
Yoof: Is that like a Mondeo?
Me: Goodbye...
Moral of the story? If you do not drive a very mainstream car, steer away from the yoofs at Halfords.

Clang!

I'll just pick that up for you...

Seriously, I had the same thing trying to get filters for my MGB. :ugh:

419
12th Sep 2006, 15:56
shouldn't you be posting i am worried about education rather than taking the pi$$ out of their appearance or even their education

Surely if they are working in a customer service job, their appearance and their knowledge of the products they are trying to sell should be of the utmost importance.

If you went into a car showroom to buy a particular model, and when you asked the salesman a question like "is this model petrol or diesel", and they didn't have a clue, would you still be interested in dealing with them?. I know I wouldn't.

she could be dislexic
Is that an unheard of symptom of dsylexia then? not knowing if scampi swims in the sea, or grows in a field.

Solid Rust Twotter
12th Sep 2006, 15:59
If yer willy had a bell attached it would sound like a carrillon by now, Mr 419...:E

AcroChik
12th Sep 2006, 16:06
I-94W - Question C: "Have you ever been or are you now involved in espionage or sabotage; or in terrorist activities".........

A classic!

G-CPTN
12th Sep 2006, 16:14
In 1967 I was driving around in a 1938 MGVA 1.5 litre four-seater tourer. I went into the local (substantially-sized) BMC Dealership. A mature assistant (probably aged 45) enquired for what model I was seeking parts. MGVA says I. "Oh no, Sir. MG never made a VA. PA TA TC, but no VA."
"Ah!" says I "They made at least ONE, and if you look out of that window just there, you'll SEE it!"

http://www.geocities.com/MotorCity/Downs/4598/prewar/mgva.jpg

A while later I was passing one of those 'been there since the motor-car was invented' garages. I casually asked whether they had a master-cylinder kit for an MGVA. No catalogues, booklets or lists were produced. Old geezer goes out back and returns with a box from which he is blowing-off the dust. "There you are - last one too - I shall have to reorder!"

I resisted telling the old man that he hardly need bother as very few vehicles shared that part (MGVA, Wolseley 14 and Crompton Electric), but it was a shame to spoil his day. Two years later his dusty emporium was bulldozed to make way for a Ford Main Dealership. Don't know whether he retired or 'died in service' . . .

XXTSGR
12th Sep 2006, 16:43
In the bookshop @<hidden> LGW, I overheard a man at the counter say to the assistant:-

"I'm looking for a particular book - I don't know the title or the author, but I know it's a red book - do you think you might have it?" :ugh:

Krystal n chips
12th Sep 2006, 17:00
Phoned the opticians when my dad died to tell them he would no longer be on their books----they had sent one of those "Your appointment is overdue" reminders---and spoke to---well, Miss Thicko 2006, world, commonwealth, UK, European and all comers champion in stupidity. Explained he was registered blind some time previously anyway at the Manchester Eye Hospital---to which she says, "What do they do there then ? " :{ :ugh: :ugh:

matt_hooks
12th Sep 2006, 17:00
Maybe he was thinking of this???
Red Book (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Quotations_from_Chairman_Mao_Zedong)
Hehe, beat you to it ORAC! :} :p

Okay, delete your post n make me look silly why don't you! :p

Foss
12th Sep 2006, 17:20
Was on a mountain walking endurance competition. Visibility poor, heavy mist, slight rain and head to foot in gortex. My friends and I spotted an elderly man in cycling shorts jogging round the contours, reading the time.
A muffled 'what the f@<hidden>@<hidden>@<hidden> is that loony doing'. He reappears.
He's looking at £300 pounds worth of superdooper barometer altitude watch thing on his wrist.
'I know I'm at 600m, but where am I'.

We gave him a hot drink then beat him walking poles for being a moron.

Fos

rab-k
12th Sep 2006, 17:33
Two yank tourists in Princes Street, Edinburgh. He decked out in 'plaid golf pants' (tartan trews) with matching bonnet and Pringle sweater, she in customary steamed-up clear plastic poncho.

She, while looking south over the gardens to the somewhat imposing structures sat atop the equally imposing lump of rock, says to him "Gee Elmer, is that the Castle?":eek:

Easily mistaken for something esle I guess...
http://www.edinburghapts.co.uk/scenes/edinburgh/Edin.castle.jpg

Especially if your mental image of a castle relates to this:
http://heim.ifi.uio.no/%7Ehaakonks/usa/Disney%20Castle.jpg

G-CPTN
12th Sep 2006, 17:53
THAT'S a CASTLE!:- http://images.amazon.com/images/P/B0000AKN2L.01.LZZZZZZZ.jpg

rab-k
12th Sep 2006, 18:01
CASTLE? Tut tut! Flamboyant Kraut wedding cake! Schloss Cinderella! Bet there isn't even a draught never mind a ghost or a dungeon or two.

Ronald Jeremy
12th Sep 2006, 18:21
Hi Jerricho & Blacksheep, I hear you are familiar with my work :E

I was once asked by a starlet.... "Hey, is that thing for real ?" By take 3 of that scene, she was incapable of coherent speech but she did walk kind of funny.

Ronnie

Keep buying those DVD's, downloading is wrecking my pension plans.

verticalhold
12th Sep 2006, 18:26
"Will you still love me???"

Except it usually sounds like, "Wuuuughh yuuuughh thtuuuugh yuuuugh mmuuuugh???"
:p :p[/QUOTE]

I always wondered what "Wuuuughh yuuuughh thtuuuughyuuuugh meant. :E

Ronald Jeremy
12th Sep 2006, 18:41
It's considered impolite for a girl to talk with her mouth full but I kinda like the funny feeling.

Ronnie

Keep buying those DVD's, downloading is wrecking my pension plans.

Jerricho
12th Sep 2006, 18:47
I happen to know my mate Ron's favorite question of the ladies is "Can you breathe though your ears?"

Tuned In
12th Sep 2006, 20:38
Waking past a couple (no prizes for nationality) on the Great Wall of China - overheard woman say "is this communist China or the other one" - doh!Well, it's a bit dim not to know which you're in, but at least there is one communist china and one non-communist china.

G-CPTN
12th Sep 2006, 20:42
I happen to know my mate Ron's favorite question of the ladies is "Can you breathe though your ears?"
An alternative question is their level of accomplishment playing a flute or the digeridoo. Breathing through the ears is useful for both instruments.

ORAC
12th Sep 2006, 20:53
I once got a pint thrown at me (she missed), by a WRAF Flt Lt, when I pointed out that, genetically, females must be capable of multi-tasking, as they had to be able to breath at the same time.....

tubthumper
12th Sep 2006, 21:28
Sixth year at secondary school, and a class-mate enters wearing (gasp!) contact lenses. Questions abound:

"How do you get them in?" (over to you, Mr Jeremy)

"What do they feel like when they're in?" (any more comments, Ronald?)

"Can you see any better than with glasses?"

The token blonde then pipes up, "Do they steam up when you drink coffee?"

ShyTorque
12th Sep 2006, 21:40
Mrs S, out with her mobile phone, rang me on the home landline.

Herself: "Hello - where are you?"

Me: "Er...at home, on the phone.......:confused: "

:ugh:

G-CPTN
12th Sep 2006, 21:44
Patrick gets a mobile 'phone (never had one before).
He's in the pub with his mates when his 'phone rings.
He answers. It's his missus. After listening to her he asks "How did you know where I was?"

XXTSGR
12th Sep 2006, 21:48
Maybe this one should be cross-posted on the other thread...

Security staff (to non-based pilot, therefore not having a "local" ID, but presenting another airport's ID, licence, and passport, in uniform with four gold bars on the sleeve, flight case in hand...

"So you say you're employed by Air Xxxxxxxxxx?"
"Yes - you can call them to verify it if you like"
"And in what capacity are you employed by Air Xxxxxxxxx?"
:ugh:
"You're holding my pilot's licence in your hand there. Now, in what capacity do YOU suppose I am employed?"
"I can't talk to you - you're being unreasonable, rude and aggressive. I'm calling my boss to ensure you're excluded from all sensitive areas of this airport from today onwards"

Grainger
12th Sep 2006, 22:07
Walk up to the check-in desk with passport in hand, open at the correct page just like they ask you to . . .

"Have you got your photo ID ?"

Yes, it's the thing three inches in front of your nose !!!

Or at the petrol station. Card in slot, fingers advancing towards keypad . . .

"Now enter your PIN"

Crikey, I've only been here a thousand times - I'm so glad you reminded me what to do :ugh:

chiglet
12th Sep 2006, 22:18
Was on a small caravan site [a CL for those in the know] in darkest Shropshire. Gf goes to visit a friend......two hours later she rings my mobile... How do I get back? :confused: She had a GPS but hadn't turned it on :ugh:
45 mins and a "lot" of calls, she made it
watp,iktch

tony draper
12th Sep 2006, 22:31
Remember the first question peeps you had not seen for years would ask when you were home on leave,
"When you going back"?:uhoh:

chiglet
13th Sep 2006, 00:00
Another one
Going into a shop wringing wet through [in my motocycling gear] "Oh, is it raining, then?" :ugh:
The answer was "Nay luv, I'm sweating, it's chuffin' hot outside" :ok:
The look on their faces was priceless :E
watp,iktch

G-CPTN
13th Sep 2006, 00:05
Telephone rings. Pick it up.
"Hello? Is that you?" to which 'I' reply, "No! It's ME!"

Foss
13th Sep 2006, 01:30
Getting phoned at home by my beloved father to be asked
'Are you watching this'
Like give me a fighting chance of knowing what you're on about.
'Dad, what channel is it on?'
'Dunno'
Fos

er340790
13th Sep 2006, 01:43
Here comes the parachutist now..... I wonder if he's going to land?

BBC R1.

jetflite
13th Sep 2006, 02:22
Heard someone a Mc Donalds ask how much is a 30c cone. .

Loose rivets
13th Sep 2006, 04:50
THAT'S a CASTLE!:- http://images.amazon.com/images/P/B0000AKN2L.01.LZZZZZZZ.jpg

That is nice. One once aSPIREd to a place like that :}

Rollingthunder
13th Sep 2006, 04:56
First you've got to climb up the bloody mountain and then you have all them stairs.:ugh:

Fliegenmong
13th Sep 2006, 05:33
"Do you live in that castle?"

retiredandloveit
13th Sep 2006, 05:37
On holiday in the greek islands. Young local lad has a bucket of octopus. Takes one out, pulls it inside out to clean it and commences to bash it on the rocks to soften it. After several whacks onlooking auzzie with camera asks "Is it dead yet mate?"

Allegedly one of the most common questions asked of crew on cruise ships...."Do you generate your own electricity?".

CHIGLET, a CL in Shropshire, thats showing a girl a good time!

PanPanYourself
13th Sep 2006, 08:17
Me working tech support at a satellite television company:
(on the phone)

Customer: My remote has gradually stopped working, could you help me fix it or send me a new one?
Me: Sure, have you checked the batteries?
Customer: Yeah, expiration date is 2011.
Me: Uh, ok, could you try some new batteries please.
Customer: Ok... (pause)... oh wow it works, thanks so much, what happened to it?
:mad:

gingernut
13th Sep 2006, 08:59
Young police officer arriving at horrific RTA where the deceased was decapitated, "is he dead??"

poor lad.

tony draper
13th Sep 2006, 09:07
That reminds me of that great courtroom verbal duel.
Lawyer
"How are you so certain my client's husband was dead"?
Pathologist
"His brain was in a jar on my desk"
Lawyer
"So he would not have been capable of doing anything"?
Pathologist
"Well he could have got a job practicing law I suppose"

hee hee,dunno if its true but if it int it should be.
:rolleyes:

Kolibear
13th Sep 2006, 10:03
A spotty yoof in Halfords.
Me:Hi, do you have an Oil filter for a 2000 Mustang 3.8L V6?
Yoof: A what?
Me: A Ford Mustang
(furious tapping on keyboard)
Yoof: Is that like a Mondeo?
Me: Goodbye...
Moral of the story? If you do not drive a very mainstream car, steer away from the yoofs at Halfords.

Dons anorak......The V6 in the Mustang might well the the same on as in the Mondeo, but I'd have to check.......removes anorak.

airborne_artist
13th Sep 2006, 10:13
"Good evening Mr Artist - I'm your Liberal Democrat candidate for the council elections - can I count on your vote?"

ExtraSmall
13th Sep 2006, 10:19
At the end of my driving test - do you want to pass?

UniFoxOs
13th Sep 2006, 10:23
Am always amused recalling my first medical (for insurance, that is, not pliots) when I was presented with a written question "Have you or any close relative ever..." followed by a longish list of illnesses/problems which included "committed suicide".

UFO

teeteringhead
13th Sep 2006, 10:24
Had flown into another RAF station for a visit of some sort. Wearing standard issue flying suit with rank insignia and large gaudy multicoloured name badge (well it was a training squadron). Getting a spot of lunch at the aircrew feeder, was asked by the girly filling in the duty meal forms: "Name and rank please...."
[Apologies if this is too aviation based for JB! ;) ;) ]

PanPanYourself
13th Sep 2006, 10:27
"I'm a war-mongering, facist neo-conservative Christian fundamentalist, can I count on your vote Mr. Uneducated Redneck Hillbilly?"

modtinbasher
13th Sep 2006, 10:42
True story

Years ago my brother, after a night at the pub, came home and told us that the Cypriot owner of the local chip shop had just chased him with a meat cleaver. When we asked him what happened, "well", he said, "I just went in and said 'alligator and chips please you greek gringo b@<hidden>@<hidden> (b@<hidden>@<hidden>) and make it snappy' and he made funny noises and then chased me up the street, now why would he do that?"

Mr Lexx
13th Sep 2006, 11:10
Dons anorak......The V6 in the Mustang might well the the same on as in the Mondeo, but I'd have to check.......removes anorak.

Not unless the Mondeo has gained 1.3L recently :8 (Incidentally, it is the same oil filter one finds on a ford Maveric)

Mr Lexx
13th Sep 2006, 11:17
I must admit that I made a schoolboy error one evening a few years ago that Lexxity can corroborate.

We walked into a takeaway in Romiley, near Stockport. A transcript is as follows : (The food has already been ordered)

Me : Where are you from?

Owner/Server : Jerusalem

Me : Oh, right, so you are an Israeli?

Owner : No, I am Palestinian

Me : Ah....

At that point I vowed never to make small talk with people who have access to meat cleavers, especially after spending the night in the pub beforehand.

planepsycho
13th Sep 2006, 11:19
transient pilot: "Am I in Alabama or Georgia?"
me: "Uh....no sir, you're in Tennessee"
transient pilot: "Which direction is Georgia?"
me: (pointing finger SE) "that way"
(me thinking: "Here's your sign"):rolleyes:


-------------------------------------

phone calls

"I need to order a Limo"
"You mean you don't have a four star hotel in your town?"
me: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!

Beetlejuice
13th Sep 2006, 14:07
"Are you awake?"

Jerricho
13th Sep 2006, 14:09
That's not a question.......that's foreplay.

allan907
13th Sep 2006, 15:51
At multiple points during flying training:

"You didn't really want to do that did you?"

chiglet
13th Sep 2006, 21:26
retiredanloveit
It wasn't my idea to go there....I wanted to go to Staffs...:E
watp,iktch

Keygrip
14th Sep 2006, 02:32
"Are you still here?"

Loose rivets
14th Sep 2006, 03:51
That remids me.

I know this question is rhetoricorialially modified to be an advisory mispoloysent statement, but I am always amused by the lovely old way that us English say "Ah, there you are."

G-CPTN
14th Sep 2006, 04:10
Surely we can endorse quantum theory:-
"Ah! you're there!"
"Yes, I'm here!"

Notta Simfalt
14th Sep 2006, 04:54
Wife: Yes Maam, we sell sod in pieces 2 feet by 7 feet.
Customer: This MAY be a dumb question, but are they 2 feet wide by 7 feet long or 2 feet long by 7 feet wide?
Struth

G-CPTN
14th Sep 2006, 05:08
The answer is yes,

now what was the question?

(Aimed at the above p*st, but actually a national advertising campaign by Unipart, the parts arm of BL/BLMC)

Fliegenmong
14th Sep 2006, 05:21
"Posts you didn't post and regret you didn't post?"

That's stupid that is....:8

empacher48
14th Sep 2006, 05:53
Whilst working in a petrol station many years ago: "So do you sell petrol here?"

amanoffewwords
14th Sep 2006, 12:45
Just back from a job interview:

1st question: "Did you find us allright?"

:rolleyes:

lexxity
14th Sep 2006, 13:46
Walk up to the check-in desk with passport in hand, open at the correct page just like they ask you to . . .

"Have you got your photo ID ?"

Yes, it's the thing three inches in front of your nose !!!


Cringe.....that's me, I've done that so many times. You just click onto autopilot caused by most people having to have a half hour hunt for their passport.

Also the most infuriating question ever. "Do you need my tickets then?"

Wyler
14th Sep 2006, 13:51
'Where exactly did you lose it'? :ugh:

Mr Lexx
14th Sep 2006, 13:56
Heard not to far from here

"Should I get rid of my TV?"

:}

Curious Pax
14th Sep 2006, 14:36
That's not a question.......that's foreplay.

I wish!!:(

Binoculars
14th Sep 2006, 15:44
*sigh*... looks like the forum troll has found himself another side splitting alias. :hmm:

Back on to thread, I'll nominate myself; watched a kid on a motor bike decide to overtake me on the inside two hundred metres after I had signalled my intention to turn left. (Oz, remember?) Seeing an inevitable T-bone I straightened up, but kid had no hope, ran straight up my exhaust pipe, flew over my roof cliiping his helmet on back window as he did a fly by, and landed in the gutter about thirty metres ahead of me. Binos gets out of car, inspects kid lying in gutter unconscious with blood coming out of ears and mouth, and utters the immortal Aussie line; "You OK mate?" duh......

On the other hand, every time I'm at the counter of a shop with one attendant where I am the only customer... "are you being served?" Que? Yes, thanks, the Invisible Man is just fetching my order.

Several I've fortunately not had to ask, and which my thirteen year old daughter finds hysterical, from the form to deal with a bomb threat over the phone;

What is your name?
Where are you?
Do you have a phone number? etc.......

Well, they are Muslims after all, aren't they? :hmm:

UniFoxOs
14th Sep 2006, 15:55
And the one I've always tried to avoid, when ringing up a shop to find out if they are open - "Are you open?".

UFO

ORAC
14th Sep 2006, 15:57
Hmm, I do remember one occasion, back in the IRA days, when someone phoned up with a hoax call. The operator wound him up so much he said he wanted to complain, so she asked for his name and address...which he gave....

Not sure what he got, but she got a commendation......:}

slim_slag
14th Sep 2006, 16:07
Soon after the Harrod's bomb I saw an unattended bag by the phones at London Bridge station, and it remained unattended for about 15 minutes.

So I went to the phone right next to the bag and dialled 999. Fecking woman on the other end was more interested in my name and address than the fact there was an unattended bag at my feet which I thought had a bloody IRA bomb in it. Then she asked me whether I had told the station master, and when I said no, asked why not.

BECAUSE I THINK THERE IS A FRIGGEN BOMB IN THE BAG AND THE STATION IS FULL OF NOTICES TO DIAL 999 IF YOU SEE ANYTHING SUSPICIOUS.

Anyway, after a surreal conversation about why she wanted to know such stuff I hung up on her and moved away smartly, and to their credit a van of coppers arrived within what appeared like 30 seconds.

brickhistory
14th Sep 2006, 17:02
"I'm a war-mongering, facist neo-conservative Christian fundamentalist, can I count on your vote Mr. Uneducated Redneck Hillbilly?"

"Ah, hello, Mr. Swarthy Islamic young man. I see you are flying "Extremist" class with us today. Will you be checking your explosive vest or wearing it in the cabin?"



(And my post, offensive as it is, is different than yours contextually, HOW? At least try to be funny.........

brain fade
14th Sep 2006, 17:26
When I was a salesman, had to deal with an enquiry fromm a deaf & dumb chap.
Dealt with it quite well using a notepad and pen passed between us.

Spoilt it by asking for his phone number.:\

NudgingSteel
14th Sep 2006, 23:38
well I thought this was a sensible question at the time.....

Me (to a/c approaching runway crossing point): "xxx123 are you on frequency?"
a/c: "xxx123 negative"
a couple of moments silence, I could hear the question marks flying....
a/c: "er...xxx123 is with you, taxying to xx"

AUTOGLIDE
15th Sep 2006, 11:38
The answer is yes,
now what was the question?
(Aimed at the above p*st, but actually a national advertising campaign by Unipart, the parts arm of BL/BLMC)


If it was BL, the question would have been "Will I need to replace every single part of this car before it's a year old?"

visibility3miles
15th Sep 2006, 14:09
Unfortunately, I asked one of the stupidest questions I've ever heard.

I was at a dropzone and watched a skydiver make a downwind landing into a gas pump and badly break his leg. (It was bent where it shouldn't be.)

I ran up and asked, "Are you alright?"

Through gritted teeth he replied, "CALL AN AMBULANCE!"

TheSailor
15th Sep 2006, 14:45
Hello,

What's so bad about Islam taking over the West? :E

http://www.pprune.org/forums/showthread.php?t=242035

Regards. http://photobucket.com/albums/v509/Bebermaur/th_bye.gif

spitfires rule
16th Sep 2006, 02:42
This one right here :}

galeforcewind
16th Sep 2006, 09:31
I used to work on the cruise ships...I was standing at the top of a staircase in the Atrium with a lady who proceeded to ask me "Do these stairs go down?"
UMMMMMM

I was also asked once asked if the crew slept on the ship????? No, I said, I helicopter comes , lands on top of the ship in the middle of the Atlantic and takes all the crew back to land for the night!!!!!!:mad:

frostbite
16th Sep 2006, 12:18
The TV journo who asked the pilot of an aircraft "Can this plane fly on just one engine?".

To which the answer was "It had better, it's only got one engine".

Foss
16th Sep 2006, 14:41
'How did you make it do that'
'I can never get that thing to work, what button did you press.'

Well educated friend last night when I put on a DVD to watch at his house.
Jesus. He's got a brass name plate on his office door.
:ugh:
Fos

PanPanYourself
16th Sep 2006, 17:09
And my post, offensive as it is, is different than yours contextually, HOW? At least try to be funny.........
Contextually, its more offensive. I guess we differ on whats funny and whats not. Not to say your post wasn't funny, but mine was a hoot, like it or not.

Grainger
16th Sep 2006, 17:18
And my post, offensive as it is, is different than yours contextually, HOW?Crikey ! Has Yoda been posting on here ?

G-CPTN
16th Sep 2006, 18:12
Jesus. He's got a brass name plate on his office door.

Wow! You do move in heavenly circles, Fos!

Foss
16th Sep 2006, 19:43
Hardi hardi har Group. :ok:
The same guy once phoned up and asked 'How do you boil potatoes'.
1. Boil water.
2. Add potato.

My friend, now working in high flying legal circles, 'Oh, how do you make them all white.'
Me: 'You mash them, phone your mum.'

Fos

Earthmover
17th Sep 2006, 22:49
Vistors to flight deck in the old days:

"How many gears has it got?"

"Do you take drugs to keep you awake?"

"Are you only allowed to fly the one route to Paris?" answer: "Yes, the Paris-London crew came by Eurostar and are waiting at CDG"

"Why did we stop just now?" this at FL370

"Are you allowed to land it?" er, pardon?

"Thank you so much for letting us in here ... can I buy you a drink?"
I just loved that one....

"What do all these switches do?" well now ... let me think .....

"When do you dump all the petrol?" (Honest, I'm not making this up.)

"You won't be doing any acrobatics .. will you?"
Not reeaaally .. just a reverse half-cuban and a lomcevak

and to my very nice and very competent blonde F/O: "You're not a woman are you?" and very quietly, through the intercomm, she said to me, quoting 'the vicar of Dibley' "I suppose the tits are a bit of a giveaway aren't they?"

Every single one true - I could go on and on with these ... and you must have some too???

con-pilot
18th Sep 2006, 00:19
I hadn't thought of this in aviation terms, thanks Earthmover.:ok:

From corporate aviation.

"Are you allowed to fly in the same sky with real airplanes?"

"Can you land where the real airplanes land"

Sitting on the ramp at a major airport at the FBO that is on the other side from the airline terminal. Passenger gets off the airplane and asked;
"Where's the airport?"

Boss shows up 2 hours late and asks, "Is it still going to take two and a half hours to get to Los Angles?" (I wanted to reply, "No, I had them move LAX a 1,000 miles closer, so now it will only take 45 minutes."

In Beijing China. "Why don't you have today's 'Wall Street Journal'?" (Mainly because it won't be printed for about another 12 hours.)

Boss's sectary, "They want to go to Sichuan China, where will you land?"
Me, "That's like asking that they want to go to Texas and ask where will we land."

I hired the first full time female corporate pilots in Oklahoma City, there are and were other female pilots but they were charter pilots. On one of the very first trips one of the wives of the passengers came to me, pulled me away from the side of the airplane and in a very quiet voice asked, "Why is the stewardess sitting in the cockpit, shouldn't there be a real pilot up there."

"Why do we have to land and go through customs, we're in a private jet?"

"What do you mean I can't take my pistol to London?"

Once coming back to the US from London the boss had been pheasant hunting the day before and showed up with four dead birds, feathers and all.
"Why can't I take these birds back home to Aspen, can't we just put them on ice?

Once when we going to Aspen Colorado I informed the boss that we were going to divert to Vail due to fog. A few minutes later he calls back on the intercom phone from the back and says. "Well, I just called the house and the staff said that the sky is clear. So why can't we land?" I told him to call the house back, tell them to look down from the top of the mountain where the house is, into the valley where airport is and ask if they can see the airport. A few minutes later he comes up to the cockpit and sheepishly says, "They can't see the airport because of the fog." We landed at Vail.

"What do you mean we can't land at RAF Northolt at 02:00 Sunday morning?"

And my favorite; "Why didn't you become a real pilot, you know, fly for the airlines?"

I have more and some zingers from my days with the Marshal Service, later.

Earthmover
18th Sep 2006, 00:38
Wonderful! Don't you just love 'em? (My personal favourite was you moving LAX 1000 miles closer!!!)

I forgot the one that never fails to produce steam from the ears of the long-suffering guy/gal in the right hand seat.......

"Will you be a pilot one day??"
:ugh:

Loose rivets
18th Sep 2006, 00:42
Time and again I'm asked if I was allowed to take passengers on my aircraft.

This does not translate to the written word, but you'll get the gist.

A wile back, I was in Chattanooga, and walking towards some of the turisty type things. At a road junction a battered old sedan (saloon) pulls up and the driver winds down his window. It was obvious that my attention was required and I looked in at a very, very fat man. So fat was he that he had subsided into the seat so that he was almost on the floor. I knew that I was going to have a tough time keeping a straight face, but when he drawled slowwwwwly

"Excuse me sir...........could you tell me the way to the (it was now that I started grinning) Chattanooooooooga (He's going to say it!..Oh god, I'll never contain this laugh.) Choooo Choooo?"

I just had to leave him sitting there.

G-CPTN
18th Sep 2006, 00:57
"Excuse me sir...........could you tell me the way to the (it was now that I started grinning) Chattanooooooooga (He's going to say it!..Oh god, I'll never contain this laugh.) Choooo Choooo?"
He got it wrong. It SHOULD have been:- "Pardon me, boy . . . "

Lon More
18th Sep 2006, 08:04
Oh dark hundred, London WX bad due fog, landing rate way down, several aircraft being given holding instructions at REFSO, Nigel who has heard all this 'cos I told him to standby, pipes up with, "Will there be any delay for us inbound to Heathrow? " :ugh:

419
18th Sep 2006, 08:48
The "Choo Choo" actually exists!
http://www.choochoo.com/images/chootrain.gif
Chattanooga is a very nice place, apart from the choo choo area.
Another stupid question I was once asked (by a used car salesman).
I had found 2 cars I liked, both at different dealers. Both were the same age, and mileage, but one was £400 more than the other.
I showed one salesman the quote for the other car (lower priced), and he asked me:
"What would you like me to do, equal that price, or try and beat it?"

patdavies
18th Sep 2006, 10:29
Dons anorak......The V6 in the Mustang might well the the same on as in the Mondeo, but I'd have to check.......removes anorak.


I doubt it as I am not aware of a 3.8 litre Mondeo.

lexxity
18th Sep 2006, 18:07
Ohthe number of times I've been asked why I can't do anything to change the weather. My answer to that is to pick up the phone and say "Hello God?" That usually gets them shuffling away in embarrasment.:}

Gingerbread Man
18th Sep 2006, 18:48
At Heathrow airport, I see a schoolboy say to a policeman;

"Is that a real gun?"

Either that, or my Grandfather's trademark greeting "What d'ya know?". I'm never quite sure whether to launch into a philosophical debate about knowledge, or whether to reply "How long have you got?".

Ginger ;)

SoaringOverCA
18th Sep 2006, 18:55
Some visitors standing in line to ride a ride in a Disney theme park were being evacuated because of a small electrical fire. AT the time all we knew was they were being evacuated due to a fire one guy asks "I don't want to lose my spot in line can I stay here?"

A V 8
18th Sep 2006, 21:10
L'ingMFAO at this thread-keep it going.

Me working tech support at a satellite television company:
(on the phone)

Customer: My remote has gradually stopped working, could you help me fix it or send me a new one?
Me: Sure, have you checked the batteries?
Customer: Yeah, expiration date is 2011.
Me: Uh, ok, could you try some new batteries please.
Customer: Ok... (pause)... oh wow it works, thanks so much, what happened to it?


Ah, yes! Been there too - the q's from the customers were hilarious. Too many to mention though.

Some stupid q's that I've been asked:

In McDonalds, "Do you want cheese on your cheeseburger?"

Stopped by an American in Edinburgh, "Do the trains go up and down over the Forth Rail Bridge? :ugh:

Another American in Edinburgh, "Do you come from EdinBURG?" :ugh:

Me, just hit a diesel spill on my motorcycle on a stretch of road about 200yds from a fire station. The road's wet and covered in petrol and oil from my bike. Traffic skidding by left right and centre. I though the Fire Brigade would have some sort of absorbant. So I dial 999. The operator puts me through to the fire brigade operator. Cue me (still a little shaken): "Hi, I'm not sure if i've got the right number, but....!" :D

A mate of mine works at a train station and is always being asked, "Have I missed the next train?"

I was once asked for some self adhesive glue!

I'll post any other classics I remember.

AV8

Grainger
18th Sep 2006, 21:41
Why, whenever you order black coffee these days, do they ask you: "would you like some milk with that" ? :confused:

Where did it all go so wrong ? . . . that's what I want to know.

BombayDuck
19th Sep 2006, 04:42
AV8 reminded me...

Got onto a bus once... was not sure if it went via the stop I wanted to get off at. So I ask the conductor, "Does this bus go to XYZ?"

"No" he says.

"Can I have a ticket to the previous stop then?"

:confused:

:ugh:

Fliegenmong
19th Sep 2006, 05:23
"SoaringOverCA" - This would be the same park that you take your name from? A great ride that is!!
:D

Buster Hyman
19th Sep 2006, 06:48
When's the fog going to lift?

click
19th Sep 2006, 08:59
Another American in Edinburgh, "Do you come from EdinBURG?"
That's precisely why we won't be flying there as of October....can't pronounce it...can't fly there:E .
Spent weeks practising Edin-BRO Edin-BRO Edin-BRO and it still comes out TURNHOUSE!!!
(could be worse...I annointed my fellow colleagues, but somehow it gets lost in the translation...Eden-BRA..Eatin-BAR..Eddie-Bear)
On another note, been to Key West with my pocket rocket Honda and on the way back to Ontario I stopped on the outskirts of Atlanta at a Walmart to get the oil changed while we shopped. A rather large and jovial Aunt Jemima takes the information and ask how I will pay. When I mention credit card, she notes it and then says that she needs to see a pager. WTF??? Well, I got a cell phone I reply. She looks at me WTF??? Noooo, she drawls out, gotta be a pager. WTF?? puzzled I say again that we have advanced up north to the point that we don't live in igloos anymore and actually have cellphones. WTF?? does a cell phone have to do with a pager. she asks. WTF does a pager have to do with an oil change I ask? My better half now comes up to counter and says to Auntie...say that word again....pager pager pager...
Aaaah, get it now. Picture! Picture ID....cause I was using a credit card...well of course! How stupid I am...should've paid in cash:}

woolyalan
19th Sep 2006, 09:36
Working at B&Q we used to sell flooring advertised as: GLUE FREE Laminate Flooring £x per pack

We had a number of customers asking/ringing up and complaining about the lack of free glue! :ugh: you wouldn't believe how long it takes to make people understand its glue free as in doesnt require rather than heres a free bottle! as much as 2 hours in some cases! :ugh: :ugh: :ugh:

Solid Rust Twotter
19th Sep 2006, 09:46
A local flying school had a stand at a careers exhibition where they gave out coupons promising 30% off the cost of an introductory flight, worth ZARxx-00. Within a week the letters were rolling in with coupon enclosed demanding the ZARxx-00...:rolleyes:

These were all prospective school leavers BTW.:{ I guess time at school is time wasted, then....

McAero
19th Sep 2006, 10:16
Met an American girl once....we got chatting a bit and said "oh I just love your accent, where are you from?

Me: Scotland
Her: I have a friend from Scotland with red hair....do you know him?

Also met an aussie girl who wanted to know where I learned to talked such good England :cool:

Spent weeks practising Edin-BRO Edin-BRO Edin-BRO

Nearly there click.............it's EdinBURRA

slim_slag
19th Sep 2006, 10:32
Ah Americans, don't you just love them.

Became bored with telling Americans who heard my UK accent that I was from England, so started saying I was from Colorado. Had one then ask me what State that was in.

But she was cute with nice legs so I forgave her.

SLFStuckInTheBack
19th Sep 2006, 10:52
I lived near Seattle for a couple of years - and got a bit tired of being asked - "Gee I love your accent - where did you get it?"

Eventually I used to reply - At WalMarts, they had a special on and it only cost $10.00.

The best question I have ever witnessed was when I took my 19 year old son and friend to Hooters - and he wanted to buy a "I love Hooters" sticker for his guitar case. The busty server - couched down to reach into the glass display to revieve the sticker, then shook her ample assets and asked my son if he liked her hooters. Seeing him reduced to a gibbering wrieck unable to work out what he could possibly say was priceless.

Lon More
19th Sep 2006, 13:44
it's EdinBURRA
If you're from Glasgow it's Embra:uhoh:

BTW "Is it in?" must rank pretty far up the list, or is that the most embarrassing thing you've ever heard?

G SXTY
19th Sep 2006, 19:28
Mate's [blonde] girlfriend sees photo of Concorde and asks:

"Does that do twice the speed of sound or twice the speed of light?" :D

handysnaks
19th Sep 2006, 20:08
On my way from Yeovilton to Altcar Merseyside, lead aircraft and speaking to Hawarden, having told them we would be landing to refuel at Speke (as it was then).

'Marine Air 'XXX' will you be wanting a descent before landing at Liverpool?'

and also on my initial IRT (well, the one I finally passed anyway). Having been told by Edinburgh that there would be a slight delay before I could commence my final approach said

'Exam XX would you like to go into the hold or would you prefer radar vectors?'

I suppose you had to be there..........

Foss
19th Sep 2006, 20:20
Setting off a foot long three inch wide firework, girlfriend says...
'Is that going to be loud'
'No my sweet darling now bl00dy run to where everyone else is'.

The winner must be..
'Have you got the door keys'
'Yes my dear, I amputated your hand with the keys in it at the front door as we went to the shops. I'm shocked but impressed that you haven't bled to death after our little trip. Perhaps we can break a window to gain access'.
'Or you could open your purse'

Fos

paulc
20th Sep 2006, 05:54
when looking for something - "where did you last see them"? - well if I knew that would I be trying to find them now!

Loose rivets
20th Sep 2006, 06:20
Another American in Edinburgh, "Do you come from EdinBURG?"

The Rivetess will be up there soon, she would have been able to say Yes! Of course, they wouldn't have understood.

There's a bloke in the next road to us who comes from Edinburgh so whe he goes home, it's an Edinburg to Edinburgh ticket. :rolleyes:

XXTSGR
20th Sep 2006, 09:08
Been asked this question several times in Oxford by American tourists, right outside Balliol or "The House" or similar locations:-

"Can you tell me where the University is at?"

Various answers occurred to us:-

"Er - are you walking, or do you have a car? Well, you go down this road for about two miles until you get to a roundabout. Go right there, and carry on until you get to the major junction on the M40. Go straight across, and you'll see the University on the left. Big sign, you can't miss it."

or

"University? What University? Ohhhhhh! You mean OXFORD University. Blimey, that hasn't been here for about fifty years. It's moved to a modern campus just outside Birmingham. It's still called Oxford University, of course, we do like our traditions, but all the old buildings here were sold or turned into industrial units or whatever..."

etc.

GANNET FAN
20th Sep 2006, 14:04
Setting off a foot long three inch wide firework, girlfriend says...
'Is that going to be loud'
'No my sweet darling now bl00dy run to where everyone else is'.

The winner must be..
'Have you got the door keys'
'Yes my dear, I amputated your hand with the keys in it at the front door as we went to the shops. I'm shocked but impressed that you haven't bled to death after our little trip. Perhaps we can break a window to gain access'.
'Or you could open your purse'

Fos
Bleedin ell Foss, you are a brave man

EGBKFLYER
20th Sep 2006, 15:12
No lie this.

At LHR T1 security yesterday morning. Duly take off shoes etc etc. Put my laptop (quite slim but not new or unusual in any way) in the tray.

Security fool: 'Is that a laptop?'
Me: 'Yes'

How I wish I could have thought of something wittier, but it was 0630 and my breath had just been taken away...:ugh:

OA32
20th Sep 2006, 15:35
Just a couple from days past on check-in,

Sat with large flybe sign on screen behind, passenger comes up and asks if they could check in for the bmi baby flight to east midlands.

Two passengers came up to check-in for a flight 15 mins after the scheduled dep. time and asked why they hadn't been called by name to check-in.(They had been sitting in departures hall for 2Hrs.)

Capn Notarious
20th Sep 2006, 15:39
"How do you know thats North?"
Where does the sun set and what is the significance of The Pole Star?

vaqueroaero
20th Sep 2006, 15:47
I was given a barometer and was complaining to the wife that it wasn't working properly. It was hanging on the wall next to the patio doors. Her reply: "Of course it isn't - you have the patio doors closed" :ugh:

And another one from her after a power cut, I'm sitting there watching TV and she comes in and sits down next to me and asks "Has the power come back on yet?" :ugh:

Spinflight
20th Sep 2006, 18:03
Should cluster bombs be banned?

ChampChump
20th Sep 2006, 21:52
From passengers who have driven through SE England, waited half an hour on the docks and then driven 50 yards onto the ferry: "What's the weather like today?"
Two of my favourites from the cross channel world, typed in a transatlantic drawl:
"What time does this ferry reach Strasbourg?"*
"How do I know when I'm lost?"
:D
* When it starts to feel bumpy, Madam"

Foss
20th Sep 2006, 22:15
'How can I read a map and learn to use a compass on the kitchen table, I can't see the mountains'
dear sweet holy mother of God
'It's been 20 years, 20 years. You put the vertival ones that way after moving the compass this way.

My climbing buddy can't read a map. Or work a GPS. I'm surprised he can find a shop to feed himself.
Fos

419
20th Sep 2006, 22:19
Reminds me of a comment I heard on a ferry from Dover to Calais.
The car in front of me, had a fairly elderly couple in it. Once we had parked up on the ferry, with all the cars about 2" bumper to bumper, the woman called one of the parking attendants over and asked if there was any need to put the Krooklock on their car.
"No dear, there's not many pirates in these waters any more" was his reply.

XXTSGR
22nd Sep 2006, 11:21
On board (I believe) an RAF large machine - probably a Shackleton:-

Nav to pilot:- "Is that the Pole Star on the nose?"
Pilot to nav:- "What's our heading?"
Nav to pilot:- "Due West"
Pilot to nav:- " :hmm: :ugh: :ooh: :uhoh: :confused: "

lexxity
22nd Sep 2006, 17:54
Sat with large flybe sign on screen behind, passenger comes up and asks if they could check in for the bmi baby flight to east midlands.

Oh dear me, yesterday on check in I had a flybe pax jumping up and down whilst shouting that the stupid self service machines wouldn't check her in. WHY NOT? She wasn't very pleased when I explained that she was at the wrong airline and terminal.:}

evansb
22nd Sep 2006, 18:19
In the mid 1980s on a NWA B727 flight from Orlando to
Minneapolis, VMC day, just turned final when the plane went through some very light convective turbulence on an otherwise smooth flight, when a woman in her mid 60s seated next to me suddenly grasps the hand of her husband and asks, "Are we being talked down now?" With authority he replied "Yes dear, we are".

RaraAvis
22nd Sep 2006, 18:59
Did it hurt?
Took a spectacular fall off a madly bucking and rearing horse who was mortally terrified after a massive chunk of the mid-repair metal roof clattered down in front of it's nose, a fall that left a 3inch crack in my titanium enforced helmet.
Did it hurt was I asked :}.
By couple of ladies-who-lunch spectators mind you...:hmm:

ShyTorque
22nd Sep 2006, 19:31
Security man, at airport, prior to X-ray machine on leaving the USA:

"Sir, you were told to remove your laptop from its case!"

Me: "I did".

"Well where is it?"

Me: "At home, about five thousand miles away!" ;)

"Sir, open your case!"

:ugh:

(True story)

LGS6753
22nd Sep 2006, 19:31
Question in Philosophy Finals Paper:

"Is this a question?"

Standard answer:

"If that's a question, this is an answer."

B Fraser
22nd Sep 2006, 19:34
Me: "why is it dark ?"
My old mum: "There's a power cut dear"
Me looking somewhat perplexed: "then why do the cars still have their headlights on ?"

I was about 4 at the time.

VFE
22nd Sep 2006, 21:02
In the 1970's Scampi and chips was a neveau riche meal along with prawn cocktails and steak meals. These meals were consumed in places like The Bearnie Inn... none of which means much to a 19 year old girl in 2006.

At the age of 19 in 2006 that meal is perhaps not as popular as it once was therefore whilst quite laughable that she did not know what Scampi is, to someone over the age of say, 25, it is understandable given the cultural shift in what is popular in the eating out culture of 2006 - in short, it is as dated as Babysham and I dare say she doesn't know what that is either.

None of us knew everything at the age of 19 did we?

VFE.

Grainger
22nd Sep 2006, 21:06
The Bearnie Inn...Not heard of that one before.

Was it a sort of ursine version of a Berni Inn ?

VFE
22nd Sep 2006, 21:14
I rest my case you old fart! :p

VFE.

ShyTorque
22nd Sep 2006, 22:09
Babysham? Is that the product of a phantom pregnancy?

Romeo Charlie
22nd Sep 2006, 23:10
Got directed into one of those pointless traffic census's (censi?) on the A38 northbound at Burton-on-Trent a few years back in my artic with a flatbed trailer. After the usual batch of questions like 'Where have you come from?' (answer given = Plymouth), 'Where are you going to?' (answer given = Dover) came the question 'Are you loaded or empty?'. I leant out of the window and gazed my flat trailer bereft of any goods and replied 'Loaded'. I was then asked 'What are you carrying?'. Even my reply of 'Glider engines' was duly noted down.........

G-CPTN
22nd Sep 2006, 23:17
An acquaintance of mine joine P*ckf*rds Heavy Haulage as an estimator. The first job that he was allocated to cost was the collection, movement and delivery of a glider engine.
He WENT, and he ASKED the 'client', who duly showed him to an empty shed . . . :p

evansb
23rd Sep 2006, 01:49
New VW Beetle owner in the late 1950s "...and it has a spare engine in the boot!" "This filler cap thingy by the bonnet, is that where the anti-freeze goes?"

McAero
23rd Sep 2006, 05:13
One from my even younger days (think I was about 14ish). I phoned my mum at work and asked her how long I should stick the boiled egg in the microwave for to heat it up.

Boggart
23rd Sep 2006, 09:05
Mate's [blonde] girlfriend sees photo of Concorde and asks:

"Does that do twice the speed of sound or twice the speed of light?" :D

Should have replied, 'No twice the speed of time.' Backing up it up explaining how you could arrive in New York hours before you had left London.

Boggart
23rd Sep 2006, 09:10
No lie this.

At LHR T1 security yesterday morning. Duly take off shoes etc etc. Put my laptop (quite slim but not new or unusual in any way) in the tray.

Security fool: 'Is that a laptop?'
Me: 'Yes'

How I wish I could have thought of something wittier, but it was 0630 and my breath had just been taken away...:ugh:

YOU: No, it's a computer.

threestable
24th Sep 2006, 00:17
Recently, whilst waiting for the fwd lav.....
hostie "Got any good trips this month?"
me "gotta couple of bullets.."
hostie ..pause.. " is that in Turkey?":uhoh:

G-CPTN
24th Sep 2006, 00:22
Not a question, but a while back, a DIY motorist, having been told to 'use the green fluid' to top-up his brake fluid reservoir, used the FAIRY green fluid!

Foss
24th Sep 2006, 14:59
In Belfast trying to get home with a colleague, but there's rioting and we can't be bothered to take a detour, so we're waiting until things calm down a bit.

A guy wearing a balaclava and holding an AK steps out from an alleyway about 15 feet away behind us and fires at the opposition.
'Dit dit ditditditdit' Then he runs off.

Colleague asks 'what was that noise, and who was that guy in a mask'.

I told my colleague that I suspected his IQ was on the low side of stupid and we'd better move, and I didn't know the masked gentleman concerned personally.
Then we took the detour.
Fos

MyData
24th Sep 2006, 19:10
I-94W has already been mentioned, but it asks some really stupid questions so needs to be published in full...



Do any of the following apply to you? (Answer Yes or No).
A. Do you have a communicable disease; physical or mental disorder; or are you a drug abuser or addict?

B. Have you ever been arrested or convicted for an offense or crime involving moral turpitude or a violation related to a controlled substance; or been arrested or convicted for two or more offenses for which the aggregage sentence to confinement was five years seeking entry to engage in criminal or immoral activities?

C. Have you ever been or are you now involved in espionage or sabotage; or in terrorist activities: or genocide; or between 1933 and 1945 were you involved , in any way, inpersecutions associated with NAZI Germany or its allies?

D. Are you seeking to work in the U.S.; or have you ever been excluded and deported; or been previously removed from the United Stated; or procured or attempted to procure avisa or entry into the U.S. by fraud or missrepresentation?

E. Have you ever detained, retained or withheld custody of a child from a U.S. citizen granted custody of the child?

F. Have you ever been denied a U.S. visa or entry into the U.S. or had a U.S. visa canceled? If yes,
When? _________________ Where? _______________

G. Have you ever asserted immunity from prosecution?

IMPORTANT. If you entered "Yes" to any of the above, please contact the American Embassy BEFORE you travel to the U.S. since you may be refused admission into the United States.



Even more important - as most people receive their first view of I-94W somewhere over the Atlantic it is a bit late to get in touch with the Embassy.

Moral Turpitude even has its own Wikipedia entry: Moral turpitude is “conduct that is inherently based, vile, or depraved, and contrary to the accepted rules of morality and the duties between persons or to society in general” (Jordan v. De George, 341 U.S. 223, 229, 71 S. Ct. 703, reh’g denied, 341 U.S. 956, 71 S. Ct. 1011 (1951).

In these security conscious times I would expect that members of militant Islamic terrorist groups would also be expected to acknowledge their existence to immigration - surely there is room for one more question?

G-CPTN
24th Sep 2006, 20:09
C. Have you ever been or are you now involved in espionage or sabotage; or in terrorist activities: or genocide;
Bugga! You got me there! I'm an undercover double agent for several Countries. :ugh:
How did you guess?
Weekends I preach genocide at Sunday School.

However, G) applies. (Damn I should have read through before I filled-in my answers. If only I'd used my Invisible Ink pen - but that was confiscated at check-in.)

JayJayTheJetplane
25th Sep 2006, 02:10
Something you'll hear in a parking lot, now and then, by two guys in a van, who may even attempt to block you from pulling out of your spot...(It's always nice to have a captive-audience when lacking any com mand of English language).

"Hey Dude...You need some speakers!"

"You need some speakers, Dude?!"

"Dude, what are you deaf?".

"Dude...Dude!"

:rolleyes: