European Alert Levels

[Mighty Norman]

Seen some of this before but I hope this hasn't been on here before, I'm new here ...please don't hurt me!!

=========================================

The British have reacted to the recent terrorism alerts

by raising their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved."

Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again

to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross."



Londoners have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz

in 1940, when tea supplies all but ran out.

Terrorists have been recategorized from "Tiresome" to

a "Bloody Nuisance." The last time the British issued a

"Bloody Nuisance" warning level, was during the great

fire of London in 1666.

Also, the French Government announced yesterday that

it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide."

The only two higher levels in France are "Surrender"

and "Collaborate." The rise was precipitated by a

recent fire that destroyed France's white flag factory,

effectively paralyzing the country's military capability.

It's not only the English and French that are on a

heightened level of alert.

Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout Loudly

and Excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing." Two

more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations"

and "Change Sides."

The Germans also increased their alert state from

"Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing

Marching Songs." They also have two higher levels:

"Invade a Neighbour" and "Lose."



Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday, as is

customary, and the only threat they are really worried

about is NATO pulling out of Brussels, which might

cause their entire economy to collapse

[kevmusic]

Well I laughed :):D

[Severance]

Me too, and my dog:D

[GlosMikeP]

Widely forwarded. What a hoot!:D And I was told I might need 'diversity training'.

[Pontius Navigator]

Search function is widely available and Google would probably even point to pprune.

Still, well deserves to be aired from time to time.












the old ones are always the best

[dakkg651]

Excellent.

Anyone still got the one about how various military organisations would treat a snake? I lost my copy ages ago.

[The Helpful Stacker]

How The British Military Deals with Snakes

Infantry: Tracks Snake through jungle. Snake smells them and quickly leaves area, travelling upwind.

Parachute Regiment: Lands on and kills snake.

Armour: Runs over snake, laughs and looks for more snakes.

Cavalry: Treats snake with haughty disdain as having no impact on primary objective: to hold London against Roundheads at all costs.

Royal Marine Commando: Plays with snake, gets drunk with snake. Eats snake

Combat Engineer: Studies snake. Prepares tactical plan for fixing snake using counter-mobility assets and defeating snake using mobility assets. Chain of command pays no attention. Snake falls into hole dug by infantry and drowns.

Artillery: Fires 3 hour concentrated barrage. Misses snake. Tree blown up by stray round falls on snake and kills it. Mission declared successful and all participants awarded gallantry medals.

Special Forces: Makes contact with snake and, ignoring Foreign Office directives, builds rapport with snake and starts winning its heart and mind. Trains it to kill other snakes. Files massive expenses claim. Writes best-seller “Python Two Zero”.

Army Medical Services: Snake dies by mistake on operating table. Dissects snake.

Royal Navy: Fires 183 missiles from 17 ships. Estimates 60% of snake killed. Makes PowerPoint presentation to MoD Select Committee on how Naval forces are the most cost effective means of conducting anti-snake operations.

TA: Kills snake by accident on weekend camp. Keeps quiet about it.

RAF: Obtains geo-co-ordinates for snake. Alerts 40 Jaguars, 20 Harriers, and RAF Regiment. Loads laser-guided bombs by mistake. Flies in at 20,000 feet, can’t find snake so drops bombs in sea on way home. Returns to base for crew rest, dry-cleaning collection, facial and manicure.

Intelligence Corps: Snake? What snake? Only 4 of 35 indicators of snake presence currently active. Assesses potential for snake activity as low. Dies of snake-bite.

Defence Logistic Organisation: Orders 2 year Study by Anderson Consultants at cost of £1.5M. generating massive workload at grade I staff level. Report finds that killing snake may contribute to 20% Output costing savings by inclusion of snake meat in tri-Service messing. Snake Meat Implementation Team formed, with 2-star tri-Service steering group. Aim to introduce snake meat into all messes and ration packs by 2002. Snake experts from Special Forces and Ghurkhas do not know what they are talking about. High profile £2M PR campaign launched featuring celebrity chef Ainsley Harriott and retired 4-star officers keen to supplement their excessive pensions. Snake meat launched in Service messes and restaurants to resounding clamour of apathy. Desperate to recoup lost money, Army demolishes 300 married quarters and sells snake meat holdings to Indian and Canadian Armed Forces.

Defence Procurement Agency: Decide they want to buy a Snake. Offer ambiguous contract out for tender. Contract states that an eel will be supplied as Government Furnished Equipment and must be modified to meet the performance characteristics of a snake as laid out in the aforementioned ambiguous contract. 6 years late and 3 billion pounds over budget, the project is scrapped and a COTS snake is bought from the USA for billion.

Adjutant General: Determines that the snake is not black, female, homosexual or disabled. Loses interest.

[sangiovese.]

Reminds me of the fact that if the RAF wanted a dog it'd buy a cat and modify it.

:)

[The Helpful Stacker]

Reminds me of the fact that if the RAF wanted a dog it'd buy a cat and modify it.
:)

Actually I believe that the RAF would want the off-the-shelf dog as used by the US but procurement would push for a slightly worn cat as supplied by Wastelands with a mod kit.

[dakkg651]

Still makes me laugh that one.

Thanks Stacker

[BEagle]

err, wouldn't that be a kitty mod kit?

[Wader2]

And?

Multi-Activity Contractor: Raises variation in contract for £1m to pay for redundant Snake Meat staff.

Defence Estates Environmental Support Team: Learning of plans offers to create SSSI and National Nature Reserve.

Defence Training Estate: Establishes a Lt Col and 3 retired Lt Col to staff snake office and handle requests Land Command to locate, manage and record snakes in Rural Estate.

Defence Estates Finance Branch: Requests business case for creation of Snake Office and wants to know who will pay.