A Yankee in King Arthur's Court - advice please

[brickhistory]

Thought about asking this in the Sea Jet thread, but here goes anyway:
I am honored that a friend (retired FAA pilot) has asked that I attend 801's Decommissioning Ball with he and his wife. My question, or rather request, is what are some of the customs and courtesies I should be aware of?
I've only had the opportunity to attend my own USAF's functions so I am seeking advice/a point out to a guide, etc. on proper etiquette. My goal is to be as anonymous as possible, enjoy my drink(s), and watch a piece of history.
So, after the usual pithy comments and humor (humour for those that need/want the extra vowel), I'd be grateful for any help.


(Added: basic eating/drinking skills I can manage, even if US style.)

[Miserable Old Git]

;) Keep your back to the wall and don't touch the silver.

[Whirlygig]

Don't hold your knife like a pen and drink your wine by holding the stem of the glass! :ok: ;)

A serviette is called a napkin (even if it IS a serviette); and start from the outside in with the cutlery!

Cheers

Whirls

[4Greens]

There may well be shenanigans! Warn your wife. A time honoured pastime is to let off a smoke flare during the proceedings.

[peterperfect]

Ask your friend, I'm sure he won't be offended.

Certainly dont do that weird holding the fork upright in twisted left hand securing beef to plate and sawing with knife high elbow thing !.

[southside]

and never, absolutely never touch the golden rivet.

[Farmer 1]

Be yourself, for goodness' sake! Your post proves you've nothing to worry about.

Bon appétit!

[6Z3]

Don't forget that in the Sea Jet community they add an extra (silent) consonant to the wine. Oh and by the way you don't taste it, you listen to it; It's an acquired quality with a distinct afternoise that sticks in your ears til well after you've left the function.
Enjoy

[peterperfect]

Oh, and another thing, you meet in the wardroom and stand in a tight circle all night (as if wearing one huge cummabund) then go to bed early and complain about the noise from the other squadrons playing mess rugby.

[FormerFlake]

Don't turn up late like you did in WW2:)

[airborne_artist]

Get some practice in with the old eightsome reels

http://www.geocities.com/Colosseum/Midfield/3705/EightsomeReel1.gif

[SASless]

Never mind being late for WWII...remind them of the USS Reuben James.

Remember the saying...."The Yanks, over paid, over sexed, and over here....

finish the saying for them....The Brits, under paid, under sexed, and under Eisenhower!

Best bet....be yourself....enjoy the evening...enjoy the fun! As you already note...it is a moment in history...it is an honor to be a part of it. If you pour half the drink you are provided into the flower pot...you might just remember part of it.

[brickhistory]

Thanks for the replies! It should be a memorable evening.

P.S. We may have been late (according to some), but we certainly finished it with a BANG!

[tablet_eraser]

SASless,

What is it with you and the ellipsis? One has to wonder ...


Brickhistory,

Just enjoy yourself! People will be pleased you've made the effort to follow the customs.

[Tarnished]

Brick,

Undoubtedly there are numerous traditions and etiquette observed in the UK military that are different from the US services. As with the US services there are an equal number of differences between our Navy, Army and Air Force.

There is however one cardinal rule. One would never (never ever no way no how) embarass a guest in the mess if he were to transgress a "rule". Your host will tell you of the local rules, with a brain in your head and the very basics of common courtesy you will be able to "see and mimick" what is expected of you.

An anecdote if I may. I returned from my Pax River tp course and was staying with my family in a hotel for a couple of nights before married quarters were available. By luck some of the staff from Pax were visiting Boscombe and were at the next table to us one evening. They finished their meal before us, but their plates were not cleared whereas ours were shortly after our youngest finished his meal. One of them leant across and asked "how'd you get them to clear your plates?" I responded "simply place your knife and fork together in the centre of the plate". They did so and voila in a trice their table was cleared. A simple sign that tells the waiting staff you have finished.

Tarnished

[brickhistory]

So all I have to do to get my littlest one to 'clear her plate' is to put her cutlery in the center of her plate? That will make her like spinach?

Seriously, thanks.

[woptb]

Check for any white substances in the bottom of your glass,if you fail to monitor your drink & feel very,very sleepy - find a small easily defensable room.In case of imminent collapse outside a safe haven ,wrap a condom in a ten pound note & tuck it down the back of your pants!

[Onan the Clumsy]

When you get on a train in England, it's very important to introduce yourself to everyone in the carriage. A simple handshake will suffice, but if you really want to be accepted a bear hug is considered polite.

All shopping centres in large towns have free public bicycles. They can be distinguished from the privately owned ones as the latter are always locked up. If you see an unlocked bicycle feel free to take it for a ride, but you must deposit it elsewhere in the town.

It is common to hang your matress out of the window to air in the morning. The chambermaid will appreciate your kind thoughts.

Most people order white wine with their meal in a fish and chip shop. Typically, the proprieter will generaly pretend that he doesn't sell wine, and the proper response is "Oh come on gizza bottle of win you minging old git."

Policeman often get bored walking their beat and it is considered polite to knock their helmet off as you pass them. The younger ones may pretend to chase you, but it's all just good fun and gives them some much appreciated exersize.

Also the proper method of addressing a bobby as the police are called in England is the friendly word tosser as in "I say, can you tell me where the nearest tube station is you old tosser?"

If someone large should make you feel threatened, the correct way to diffuse the situation is to say "Hey you old poof, can you show me where the nearest cottage is?" as they love to talk about English village life.

If he in return offers you a "bunch of fives" it is indeed a great honour dating back to the Boer war You should politely decline at least once by remembering the fallen serviceman honoured in this tradition. The correct response is then "You and whose army?".

Shopkeepers in the East End of London put a lot of effort into setting very fair prices. They love to discuss these prices and the methods they used to arrive at the numbers. The traditional name to show your respect during this discussion is "Tea Leaf".

When an Englishman introduces you to his mother or his sister, it is considered polite to indicate that you consider them to be fair of countenance "Gaw wot a right old slapper" is the correct phrase to use in these situations.

We generally don't like to go to foreign countries because... well because they are foreign. However don't feel that you have to avoid the subject altogether as you host or hostess might like to discuss with an actual foreigner any trip they migtht have taken. One way to broach the subject is to ask your host "Is your wife a go-er?" as it gives him a chance to list the places they have visited together.

Justr as Americans call their girlfriend's "Baby" English women often refer to their husbands as if they were from a different generation. If you home alone with your hostess, and she seems like she is fretting, it is polite to suggest you call your host to see how his day in the office is progressing. The proper way to suggest this is "How about a little how's your father then?". She'll certainly be glad of the distraction.

[Tarnished]

Onan!! Behave! Brick is about to be a guest in our country. Please do not further the myth (or is it a mythus) that Benny Hill is our country's best comedic expert. Thank you BBC America.

Brick, I didn't say that the cutlery trick would get your kids to clean their plate it would simply get the plate cleared from the table. Anecdote No2. At a dear friends house for a New Years Eve dinner, I made the mistake of offering a bribe ( a pound each) to my (hate vegetables) kids so as not to cause an awkward moment for the hostess (well that and to prove how good our kids were {are}). When Mrs T commented with surprise on how good they had been, they turned to me and said "can we have our pound now Dad!"

The awkward moment was all mine after that.

T

[brickhistory]

Tarnished,
I got the cutlery advice and appreciated it; trying for a little humor (humour for the extra vowel crowd), but obviously I couldn't match Onan's dry wit:ok:

[forget]

Point of order on the knife and fork trick. I think you need to turn the fork tangs down, alonside the knife, for a proper waiter to recognise 'finished'.

Certainly the case in the airmens mess of the 60's. :p

[albatross]

Great post Onan!

I always find that a loud whistle for the waiter followed by pointing at the plate while saying:" Remove this from my sight!" works wonders!
As "the wife", who has turned bright red, tries to disappear under the table you then say in a loud voice:"Not here dear! There are people watching!" At the same time swilling some wine while directing a leer and a wink towards the wife of the Vicar across the table will add considerably to the effect.
You will find that the evening will come to a speedy conclusion and you will be back at your hotel in plenty of time to catch the basketball game. You can pick up your hat and coat the next day.
It may take some time to calm "the wife" down so best to prepositon a beer cooler near the couch.:E