A Look into the Future....Perhaps

[Junglie]

30 January 2015

The MOD today announced that the remaining 4 JSF Fighters will join the Royal Air Force Maritime Squadron ( Formed from the previous RN Squadrons 800 and 801 NAS which were disbanded at RAF Cottesmore in September last year) to complete the full compliment of 24 JSF from an original requirement of 180. Today also saw the last flight of a fixed wing Naval Aviator as he handed over his Gold Rings in return for some RAF Blue stripes, ending some 105 years of tradition within the Royal Navy. In other news, the MOD announced the shelving of the plans for the second of the downscaled Aircraft Carriers after years of speculation, leaving the UK with just one Carrier barely larger than the still in Service HMS Ark Royal operating her GR11's....

And so it continues..feel free to continue and add your paragraphs!!

[Onan the Clumsy]

Three car bombs exploded today in Bahgda... Bhagdh....Bagda....Iraq

President for Life Tony Blair announces the age of conscription to be lowered to 15.

Imperial War Museum ransacked to equip front line troops.

Britain still denied statehood.

Rationing comtinues.

[Evalu8ter]

Blunkett resigns for the ninth time, Brown denies rumours that he's getting impatient waiting for his "dear comrade" to step aside....A level results improve to 145% success rate...Nimrod MRA4 IOC is "just around the corner"..Sea King and Puma extended again...President Jeb Bush wonders who to hand the family business over too...Still no desert flying suits....

[Gainesy]

Airboeing, wins Canberra PR.9 replacement bid.

[Kim Il Jong]

Puma crew sustains injuries during 'heavy landing incident'. Colleages, unwilling to speak officially, slam lack of engine anticipators as contributory factor.

MOD spokesman "All possible avenues of the cause will be investigated including 'Misshandling' by the pilot..."

[Tonkenna]

... and the last 8 VC10s have been extended in service until 2030 awaiting a decision on the replacement. The preferred bidder has signed another memo of understanding... the 15th so far:}

Tonks:hmm:

[Onan the Clumsy]

BEagle celebrates one millionth post, gets telegram from Queen :p

[Fortyodd2]

...............and the 2nd UK Apache Sqn have just qualified on live ammunition for the first time.............. just a week before being disbanded :\

[ZH875]

1 Apr 2025

FSTA Delayed by another 3 years.

Typhoon Tranche 3 order Finally cancelled, after many years of delay.

The RAF to move all its assets to Basrah International - This will save lots of money says Chancellor Gordon Brown, no more expensive UK bases to spend money on, and it will save on LSSA as none is payable at 'home' bases.

JPA delayed again.

Plans to put all the EU's radioactive waste in open storage at RAF Mount Pleasant were announced by EU President Bliar. Sources claim that this is to appease Chancellor Brown for not becoming Prime Minister. As Lord Sir Tony Bliar says, "The Argentinians are unlikely to invade the Falklands with all that radiation around, thus we can close MPA and save £34 Million pounds per year".

There is now enough AT to move all RAF personnel in one go, thanks to the purchase of one extra Cessna 172.

[Onan the Clumsy]

Royal Air Force renamed New Blair Force as President for life Lord Sir Tony Saint Blair disbands monarchy.

Queen locked in tower.

[Safeware]

SofS for Defence announces another review - Back to Basics. TORs are to look at equipment procurement projects from the Great War (1914 - 1918) to see where yesterday's technology can take us today.

[LFFC]

In a cost-saving move, the MFTS team announce a revolutionary UAV solution to aircrew training. :8

[5206]

PPRuNe "Sea Jet" thread finally closed.

[Wycombe]

...as the recovery phase from Argentina's second defeat in a war over the Falkland Islands commences, Prime Minister Cameron insists that the war had nothing to do with oil....

[passpartout]

Get real, 5206.

[Archimedes]

Former Prime Minister and President Plenipotentiary for Life the Duke of Islington, the former Mr Tony Blair has been assassinated by an assailant armed with a red hot poker.

Police say they are looking for a heavily-set man with a Scottish accent who was heard shouting 'I told you you'd stayed on too long, you ****!' The assassin escaped through Downing Street. 'He seems to have had an intimate knowledge of the area, ' said Metropolitan Police Commissioner-for-Life Sir Ian Blair, 'and appears to have escaped through Number 11 Downing Street, despite the fact that the building is a maze of corridors. I'm baffled.'

In other news, former Chancellor of the Exchequer Gordon Brown has received treatment for a nasty burn to his right hand.

[mystic_meg]

The honour of switching off the lights for the last person to leave the RAF fell to SAC Archibald Scroggins today, a 26 year old gender re-assigned police-person, who will now retire to the Turks and Caicos Islands as a Traffic Warden.

[OCCWMF]

RAF Jaguars to be retired in 2016...:}

[rudolf]

After further defence cuts the RAF Wing of the UKDF is reduced to 452 personnel. Bearing the brunt of the cuts is Fighter Sqn being reduced from 3 to 2 aircraft. Transport and Rotary Sqns are combined and the last bastion of flying training is finally outsourced.

[Blodwyn Pig]

C-130J finally decared fully operational, C-130K's life extended another 20 years whilst awaiting delivery of A400M.

[PPRuNeUser0211]

UK finally admits that JSF should be referred to as JSF not JCA!;)

[ZH875]

Typhoon spares reach an all time high, nearly 1% of all Typhoons are nearly serviceable.

BBMF raised to Full Squadron status and deployed to Afghanistan.

The last remaining Red Arrow is deployed to Iraq.

[airborne_artist]

His Toniness, President Blair, Duke of Islington with Hazzard, on a visit to Forces families in October 2015 promises that at least 10% of the forces will get leave by Christmas. When pressed, he accepts that he does not know which Christmas.

[ZH875]

1 Apr 2027

The USA announce that the Average IQ of Washington DC has doubled.







They also sadly announce the death of George Dubya Bush.

[ACW599]

2013: The Canberra production line is re-opened by BWoS.

2014: The Canberra production line is closed by BWoS.

The 2015 RAF Yearbook has an article on the RAF's fighter.

The 2016 RAF Yearbook has an article on the RAF's helicopter.

The 2017 RAF Yearbook has an article about the three remaining RAF squadrons, one of which operates a singleton UAV.

2018: In response to a Parliamentary question, His Serene Highness Lord President the Duke of Prescott VC DSO and Bar states that there are currently 3,419 holding officers in the RAF.

2018: The RAF emerges from Chapter 11.

[Mr C Hinecap]

In 2015, Prince Charles has finally been celebrated as a visionary following the assassination of El Commandante Blair.

It took many years of secretive planning, training and eventual execution. However, sending his own sons into the Army to learn the vital skills was the first step towards a formidable team reaching their goal. Harry and William slotted the puppet dictator with the military precision of an earlier time. They then put the monarchy back in power, gave the rest of the services a pay rise and an extra 4 days of stand down. Hurrah!

[Incipient Sinner]

The Queen declares her intention to stand for a further 30 years following successful rejuvination treatment.

Times: "Well done ma'am"
Sun: "Queen young, Charles stung"
Mirror: "Queen in nude expose shocker"

[Cambridge Crash]

2015
A-MOD-EY ™ purchase the remaining tower blocks in Canary Wharf to house all UK Defence Force Officers – all engaged on contract monitoring duties. A small barrack block remains near Middlesborough for the remaining service personnel (3) who provide ‘support’ for the A-MOD-EY ™ presentation team. All Combat and Combat Support functions have been outsourced to BAe UAV systems and KBR Meganational Solutions ™, under the wise tutelage of Baron Blair and G W Bush KBE.

[southside]

President Campbell declares that Elizabeth Windsor and her corrupt, disfunctional family will remain in exile in Stornoway for the foreseeable future - crowds rejoice at that news.

[Bismark]

2015

Following Medium Term Work Strands(3), and in recognition of nearly 100 years of folly, the Secretary of State announced the disbandment of the Royal Air Force and the reformation of the Royal Flying Corps and the Royal Naval Air Service.

He explained that the Royal Flying Corps would be responsible for Air Transport, Air Surveillance and UAVs, whilst the RNAS would be responsible for all Attack, Interdiction and Rotary Wing Forces.

When asked his reasoning for such a sensible move the Secretary of State stated that as all deployed operations would be initiated from the 3 CVFs and Amphibious platforms (due to the total lack of host nation support in the current areas of interest) it seemed sensible to allocate tactical aircraft to the RN.

[Safety_Helmut]

Southside now old enough to join up without mum signing the forms !

[Professor Plum]

RAF put up for sale on ebay!! :eek:

[Safety_Helmut]

Free re-listing for RAF, many bids, but didn't reach the reserve of £3.57

[Roland Pulfrew]

On such a sensible and enlightening topic I find Bismark's last post just one step too far into the realms of fantasy!! 3 CVFs?!?! Anyone think that his Holiness King of Europe Tony Bliar would ever allow us to get 3?? One maybe!!:p

[Trumpet_trousers]

His Almighty Holiness Lord Tony of Crony and Lady Crony, this morning departed London onboard the Royal Navy's last operational ship, HMS Mon Cherie. The pair are off on a goodwill tour of the USA, to include a formal banquet with their old mucker, His Holiness George Sir Dubya Bush. Amongst other topics on a busy agenda the pair will discuss their latest initiative for a joint UK/USA battlefield supremacy system - Future Universal Combat Kinesis Weapons Integrated Transport System, or Project F*CKWITS :E

[Gugnunc]

Afghanistan

MoD concludes deal with local supplier to provide a reliable, accurate and robust replacement for the SA80.

Sources suggest that the troops are delighted with the AfghaniIndustrie re-manufactured and zero-timed Lee Enfield mk4's.

One particular soldier was reported as saying that it was nice to have a bit of kit that worked for a change..............



AfghaniIndustrie are reported to be working on an enhanced version with greater stopping power based on a Martini-Henry .577. Whitehall is said to be interested..........

[Lafyar Cokov]

RAFTM leases back its own name from KIDZFORENTERTAINMENT.COM for £1. (Plus £999.99 for every time it is used on paperwork, per sortie on which it is emblazened on an aircraft or implied or each time it is worn on a hat)

Roundel replaced with Royal Mail's cast off "Insignia" Logo.

Every squadron (well - both squadrons - Transport Sqn and Fast Air Sqn) has a symposium every Friday evening on why moral is so low.

AAC sell off last few Chinooks, Pumas and Merlins to pay for fuel for the 3 remaining Apaches that have not yet crashed.

Prisons overcrowd even further after Governments new "Wiping 4r5e with incorrect hand" law comes into force.

Wife still won't go down on her best mate while I watch.....

[Testingtheseatlimit2]

The Lord President Sir Antony Blair, King of England, has today announced the re-roling of the remaining 3 Sentinel R Mk1s, currently still located in 3 Hangar at the Army Barracks Waddington, to his Royal Flight to add to his intial Blairforce One, the already re-roled Sentinel (Circa 2006) that he and his official aides (All retired Airforce Officers belonging to the Former association of the "We'll do Whatever you say, Sir" Knights of the Dodgy Round Masonry Table). The fifth aircraft procured by the mighty Bristol DPA, Head Agency of the King's Own Proud "We Made Britain Great" Society (defunct since the Major Devolution Scurmish of 2010). Apparently, England's prosperous neighbours Great Celtsland, who benefited much from England's major withdrawal from Great Britain, by ensuring major compensation from what have been known as "The Devolution Divorce Proceedings" of 2010. Mrs Cherie Blair, CEO of Blairs Magical Law Firm, the handling lawyers for Wales, Scotland and Ireland, is said to be in line to receive one of the aircraft as a gift from King Tony, some say as a bribe to stop Celtsland from placing a major takeover bid for control of England's major income source - Cornwall. The only thing standing in the way of this gift is that, apparently, the CEO of the Great Bristol DPA, is said to be struggling to make the choice on the colour of the carpets in the cabin. Having set up an IPT to manage the solution, headed by former franchise Entrepenuer, Joe Boggs of Elite Fish and Chips, Skegness, the IPT are set to win this years "ingenuity awards" for suggesting that, despite the prescence of a Jaccussi in the rear of the cabin, Marble floor tiles would definately be the way ahead. Meanwhile, King Tony's Son is to set a date for marriage to Princess Britnee Bush, erstwhile niece of Lord GW, 1st Lord of the Ruling Sith Dynasty, thus presenting England with, what some see, as a final chance of becoming the 51st State of the USA, at long last..............

[Yeller_Gait]

Royal Navy's last operational ship, HMS Mon Cherie

Would that be the same ship that was originally named HMS Darling ?

[Archimedes]

No, HMS Dragon

[Rakshasa]

[Reuters]Following it's latest defence review, UK Armed Forces Plc today announced that it would be expanding it's defence assets to two armor plated golf buggys for the Prime Minister.

This has gone against the previous trend of defence cuts, typified by the army's latest Individual Weapon....

In a press conference earlier, Defence Minister Spineless "PM's Rentboy" McGee told reporters that the common soldier was "most happy" with the L1000 aka Stick, Sharpened No. 1 Mk.1 and that defence of Downing Street would not be compromised by this move.

Controversey has surrounded this weapon since it was revealed soldiers had not been issued the cheap plastic sharpener needed to maintain the L1000's lethality.

[PerArdua]

In a splendid show of pomp and circumstance not seen for many a few years, the last member of the RAF officially turns off the lights and hands the keys to BAeS

Robert Mugabe and Saddam Hussein condemn the UKs poor human rights record. Emire Blair says he has overthrown an uprising of 'Hardworking British' and restored the 100% 'on benefits' record of his dictatorship.

The future carrier is finally lauched but gets a pucture and has to be rescued by the Labour Youth.

PA

[Zoom]

ROLL OUT OF LATEST INDIGENOUS AIRCRAFT

The roll-out took place yesterday of the Quasi-Jet Mk1, Britain's first totally British warplane since the Buccaneer. Performance figures are quoted as: thrust - 50,000lbst, payload - zero, range - zero, service ceiling - zero. When asked why the figures were not particularly impressive for a warplane, the spokesman stated, 'Because it is an engine, that's all. No wings, no fuselage, no cockpit, no avionics, no weapons, no wheels and no crew. Technically it's not a warplane at all - just an engine on a trolly - but the RAF is having to order 20 squadrons of the beauties just to keep us in jobs and to maintain our commitment to NATO. You see, since we have hived off our major defence work to France, the USA, China and Angola we no longer have an industry capable of building a complete aeroplane - or ship or tank for that matter - but luckily we can still build a nice engine. And since we have fallen out with the rest of the world we have decided to go it alone on this programme.' When asked if it could fly, the spokesman said, 'No chance, but it sounds terrific at full power. By the way, you should see our new Pseudo-Tank Mk1 for the Army - it's great looking engine too.'

[Two's in]

Military ID Cards withdrawn, as last remaining 150 servicemen/women now all know each other.

[Zoom]

SHOCK-HORROR CANCELLATION

Only 2 days after the roll-out of the RAF's Quasi-Jet Mk1 and the Army's Pseudo-Tank Mk I both programmes have been cancelled. A spokesman stated, 'The UK can no longer build engines as we seem to have sold the rights to the Nanjing Automobile Group, but our agents Phoenix Venture Holdings managed to get us £50 in the deal. However, we are working on a new Self Loading Ballpoint, which can be colour-coded to suit all 3 Services. We are in talks the family of László József Bíró to buy the patent for just £100,000,000,000. It just goes to show that heavy industry is still alive and well in the UK - and we haven't lost the negotiating touch either.'

[ZH875]

The Defence Audit Commision slate the government over the procurement of the £100,000,000,000 Self Loading Ballpoint, stating it is now 3 years late and £450,000,000,000 over budget, and still nowhere near its in-service date.

As a temporary measure, until sufficient stocks of the Self Loading Ballpoint are available, HMG has procured 100,000 biro's of each colour costing some £0.10 each.

[Sid South]

SH spend less than 6 months away each year.

Puma and SK replacements to enter service within the next 2 decades.

Puma and SK replacements to be named.

Chinook Mk3s To fly next week.

PVR rate to halve.

[airborne_artist]

As a temporary measure, until sufficient stocks of the Self Loading Ballpoint are available, HMG has procured 100,000 biro's of each colour costing some £0.10 each.

The distribution of the biros has been halted while extensive health and safety testing is carried out.

Concerns were raised about the sharp point on the end of the biro, which made it unsafe to be carried in aircraft, and the possiblity of splinters entering the soles of the feet should the biro shatter when stood upon by someone not wearing safety boots to DEFSTAN D1CKH3AD.

In the interim units have been supplied with blackboards and chalk.

[Onan the Clumsy]

Controversey has surrounded this weapon since it was revealed soldiers had not been issued the cheap plastic sharpener needed to maintain the L1000's lethality.Typical journos getting it wrong. Those soldiers had just got back from the conversion course to Stick, Blunt, Clubbing for the use of, Mk 1A

See the armed forces are finally expanding out of just the tactical role. They now have a strategic deploment capability. STKBSH.

[Out Of Trim]

1st April 2030

The new SA60.5 5.65 mm calibre rifle will shortly be the mainstay personal weapon used by the Euro region (British division) armed forces. The new weapon looks remarkably similar to the one it replaces; however, this model is guaranteed never to jam, is lighter and better balanced.

Unlike the SA80, the MOD spokesperson outlined the startling new idea that we can save money by not actually buying any ammunition for it! Making the weapon around 20 rounds lighter and therefore; reaping a peace dividend to help prop up the very popular welfare benefit system.

This idea of not actually buying any ammunition; had worked so well with the RAF Typhoon's gun that we all agreed to extend this idea to the other two services as well.

He commented "That if we were ever to really need some ammunition, then we could possibly borrow a few rounds from NATO."

The spokesperson went on to say, that delivery from Meccano plc for all 30 rifles would be completed by Christmas (Winterval) but, he wasn't sure which Christmas (Winterval) that would be.

[N Arslow]

As the final estate of married quarters on UK soil were bulldozed today, His Excellency Right Honourable President Bliar of Europe announced the award of contract for phase three of UK Defence Force Partnered Quarters (Baghdad). Halliburton is expected to complete the building of all three two bedroom houses in the next six years in a contract worth 3.76billion Euros.
"Wills and I are very excited at the prospect of a new home.." Ahmed Al Ismaili said speaking from outside his tent that he has shared for the last eight years with Corporal William Windsor, Commander British Forces (Iraq).

[ZH875]

In order to show solidarity with the families of servicemen, President for Life Lord Sir Tony Blair KGB has enlisted all three of his sons in the Army of the Undemocratic Republic of Britain.




With immediate effect, all 3 Blairites will be deployed guarding the deepest and safest cellers of the private Blair residence at Windsor Castle.

[Onan the Clumsy]

America declares war on Britain on the grounds that it's the only country they are not currently occupying or at war with. His Exaulted Supreme Excellency Lord Tony, King of Blair, agrees to contribute 3000 troops and is immediately re-elected for another five hundred years.

[ZH875]

And as usual America arrives 18 months late for the start of the war with Britain.:E

[Pass-A-Frozo]

Shock horror! Don't be saying anything positive about the J! I though that was off limits:

C-130J finally decared fully operational, C-130K's life extended another 20 years whilst awaiting delivery of A400M

[KPax]

The RAF announced the retirement of it's last pilot. With the fleet entirely automated there were no flying jobs left, the CAS stated that they tried to find him another trade but he wasnt qualified to do anything useful.

[Roland Pulfrew]

FSTA Contract Finally Signed. VC10 to be retired after 60 years in service. Tristar to soldier on for another 10 years to cover the capability holiday as further negotiations with AirTanker are required. First (and only) FSTA to be delivered in VIP fit for Her Galactic Highness Empress Cherie Blair and her Consort Lord Gordon of Brown.

PS Anyone seen this week's JDW? A great article on the the Fictional Strategic Tanker Aircraft in there. Well worth a read. Anyone from DPA care to comment?

[BEagle]

"This program will NOT slip to the right!"

Senior FSTA Civil Serpent from the Brizzle Waterworld, about 4 or 5 delays ago sometime last century....

No doubt the FSTA IPT is headed by some dynamic, charismatic personality with no time for Minstry spin or Civil Service vacillation......? :rolleyes:

[Speedpig]

In the interim units have been supplied with blackboards and chalk.

These have since been removed following a complaint by the same person who felt the portrait of Guy Gibson and his dog was non PC.

His Supreme Excellency Lord Sir Earl of Downing Bliar has appointed Wing Cmdr Sqn Ldr Air Vice Marshall BEagle as his life Guru.

edit to remove BEagle's big A

[black_maskers]

with much regret, civilian storeman issues last pair of black size 11 socks, clearing the shelves of all remaining military hardware.

storeman is quoted as saying..

" it was a hard descision, I 've had to turn down many requests for those last socks, even from personnel travelling to operational theatres, after all they are the last ones and someone may of needed them!"

exchange pair were required