Best reply heard?

[clicker]

Whats the best, but puzzling reply have you heard or given over the radio to an event.

Quite a number of years ago I was monitoring Architect who at the time was passing some UK forecasts to one of the brave Ascoteers.

Quite clearly the UK was going to be a blanket of fog and after all the forecasts had been passed all I heard was the reply "Thanks, St John's 11 35, Out" to which, like me, our forecaster of doom was in complete bewilderment.

I got home and looked up the reply and rolled around in laughter when I saw the verse "Jesus wept".

[Stafford]

I presume you looked it up in CAP 413 ?? :8

Nice touch though !

[Rev I. Tin]

Major international airport somewhere in Germany, usual chatter on the clearance frequency.
German pilot pipes up requesting clearance in German 'Lufthansa yak yak yak bratwurst etc'
Controller replies (in English mit accent) stating that transmissions must be made in English.
Pilot replies ' I am a German pilot, sat in a German owned plane, flying for a German airline, at a German airport, why can't I speak German?'

English public school accent comes on frequency 'Because we won'

God bless.

[soddim]

Gata Radar girlie fighter controller to stroppy Lightning pilot during Turk invasion:

"Shutup or I'll hit you with a 707".

[threepointonefour]

Overhead Bosnia, circa 1994. Warning tx on Guard ...
Gallant F3 Nav: "Unknown ac at pos xx.xxxN xx.xxxE, you are in violation of UN Resolution 413, land immediately or you will be engaged"
... pause ...
F3 Nav: "Unknown ac at pos xx.xxxN xx.xxxE, you are in violation of UN Resolution 413, land immediately or you will be engaged"
... pause ...
Helicopter Pilot: "Can you repeat the position please?"
F3 Nav: "Posn xx.xxxN xx.xxxE"
Helicopter Pilot: "No, that's not us!"
... the note in my logbook simply says "bugger".

[tablet_eraser]

For reasons best known to herself, one of my colleagues once responded to an F3 with the perplexing statement: "Buchan strange".

Maybe we are...

[Daf Hucker]

Brand new Nimrod MR2 on approach to Kirtland Air Force Base in the middle of the New Mexican desert.

Controller: Request aircraft type.
MR2: Nimrod, a 4 jet maritime patrol aircraft.
Controller (after long pause): Are you lost?:}

[Daf Hucker]

Not exactly a reply, but during the Nimrod MR1 days we used to fill the Fishery protection role using callsign Watchdog. The role also required us to call any oil rigs we passed during our waaderings around the North Sea. A titter was always raised when we called the Rough field -

"Rough, Rough this is Watchdog"

Childish I know, but it was a long time ago!

[Ad astra per aspera]

Tutor in the Circuit at Benson:
Female Stude: "U10 Down....Oh Fcuk there's a huge chopper in front of us!"
Tower: (Pregnant Pause)
Puma: "Its a helicopter actually" :hmm:

[charliegolf]

As a stude on hold(79 or 80), I was lucky enough to snag a trip to Nellis with 30 Sqn, who were shepherding a bunch of Jags there. Great trip. The Training captain flew the last leg- can't remember his name. Most unlikely steely-eyed pilot- short, bald and portly. Might have been a Davies? Call went approx:

Herc: Nellis, Ascot 1234, C-130, etc etc
Nellis:State your service sir
Herc: Royal Air Force, Ascot 1234
Nellis: Which Royal Air Force sir?
Herc: THE Royal Air Force
Nellis (pause) Roger Ascot 1234, clear land etc etc

It was priceless, and he then went on to perform the greasiest greaser you could wish for. On the packed flight deck was a boyish Bill Pixton, new spare Jag pilot. He was gobsmacked by the slippery arrival. Me: didn't know any better.

CG

[Pontius Navigator]

New Nimrod Mk 1, stateside, when asked what a Nimrod was gave the usual bullsh*t speil.

Moments later, civ aircraft who had heard the original question but missed the reply came up and asked for a repeat. Quick as a flash a Panam aircraft chipped in.

"It is the UK's state of the art anti-submarine warfare aircraft DUMMY."

Well we think it had a state of the art crew.

[US Herk]

Back in the states, '93-ish, as our C-130 fleet had been upgraded to SCNS & we were now RNAV equipped. On long route back from McChord RTB Little Rock in the middle of the night,

ATC: "Horse XX, you're cleared present position direct Little Rock."
C-130: "XX center, we'll fly our flight planned routing."
ATC: "It says you're RNAV equipped..."
C-130: "We are, but our nav is asleep!":}
ATC: "....err...roger."

As a young Co, I thought that was the most brilliant call I'd ever heard from a Capt!:D

[Yellow Sun]

Taxying out for 09R at LHR a few years ago, a BA 744 on the south side was going on at length about an engine fault.

Eventually he said:
"We've discussed our problem with the engineers and they have advised us that if we shut down and restart the engine it might cure the problem. Where would be the best place to do this?"

The lady on GMC replied as quick as a flash (and vehemently): "GATWICK!"

YS

[BEagle]

London Mil:"What navaids do you use to fly the Litchfield RVC?"
Aircrew:"UNS"
London Mil:"Say again...??"
Aircrew:"UNS. Universal Navigation System. Powered by food and sitting just behind me!"
London Mil:"Ah....roger. Cleared to enter the corridor, maintaining FL180"

[albatross]

Another Beautifull day over the Persian Gulf on guard freq>

US Warship:
" Unidentified A/C sq 3602 postion xxxx N yyyy E on course 275 spead 135 Kts Alt 4500 Ft- This is a US Warship operarting in international waters - identify yourself and state your intentions!

Helicopter: with an accent believed to be Canadian.
"Good Morning Guys! This is Helicopter EP-H_ _ My intentions are to find a girl, buy a house and settle down - how about yourselves?"::E

US Warship: very long pause:
"Thank you Sir. US Warship out."

[whowhenwhy]

Me: Quid ??, what type of service do you require?
Quid: Uhhhh, the full service please.

Me: Quid ??, what type of service do you require?
Quid: 4 Tonnes of fuel and a screenwash

Me to Tornado: Request POB
Tornado: One and a half.

I guess either the nav was on a diet or it was a bad sortie? :p

[Viper55]

Flying home to Kunsan one day, KAL flight XXX was on 6-9 mile final. KAL flew Fokker 100's into the field 3-4 times a day up to Seoul (yes, prior to Inchon).

ATC: "Viper 12, KAL 123 on 6-9 mile final for 36"

Me: "Tally the Fokker"

[FJJP]

'Unidentified aircraft position xxxx, this is Royal Navy warship - you are approaching my exclusion zone. Turn away or you WILL be engaged'

'Royal Navy warship, this is Ascot xxxx, if you park your boat a mile from the runway I am about to land on, what the hell do you expect? Pratt.'

(HMS Ark Royal parked herself in the middle of Episcopy Bay during GW1, 1 mile from the threshold of rw 10 at Akrotiri, and promptly promulgated a 5nm 5000ft exclusion zone...)

[RubiC Cube]

Early 90s, Boscombe Comet on 1st trip to USA in many moons -
ATC (can't remember which): "CS XXX say type"
Comet "Hawker Siddely Comet"
ATC "Yes, but what type?"
Comet "HS Comet, a miltary 4 engine jet"
ATC "Is this a prototype or something"
Comet "No sir, the worlds 1st jet airliner"
ATC "Oh, you'll be a Boeing then" !!!!!!!

[SASless]

Helicopter: with an accent believed to be Canadian.
"Good Morning Guys! This is Helicopter EP-H_ _ My intentions are to find a girl, buy a house and settle down - how about yourselves?":


Maybe Nutcracker 43 can shed some light on this one!

[Pontius Navigator]

Speedbird, or some such, to Vulcan overtaking at height.

"This is Speedbird . . . what are you doing up there?"

"0.84 mach, and you?"

[BEagle]

Flogging down to Dakar at a gentle M0.86 up where the air is rare and the Vickers Funbus likes to play, we hear some low life in a C-130 many miles behind us trying to make contact with Dakar on VHF.

Having tried unsuccessfully ourselves, we know he is miles out of range.

Co-pilot (later to become Hero of the Sovietski Soyuz when on C-17s) gives me a knowing look and replies in a very 'African' accent:

"Airrcraft ..'lling Dak.., .ay again yourr me.sage"

C-130 co-piglet reads out his life history of "Checked this at blah, flight level (something appallingly low), estimate that at blah..."

Future C-17 HofSS continues: "Ascot.... this.. .s Dak.r not un.erstan. ...say again"
This goes on for about 5 minutes, before future C-17 HofSS finally concludes:

"Ascot C-130 calling Dakar, we 'ave message pour vous"
"Go ahead"
"All Hercules pilots are wan*ers!"

[Pontius Navigator]

Once took excruciatingly long message of V-bomber bombscores. The message went on and on at warp speed. Fortunately every 6 sets of diagraphs were code fillers and, not being a fast writer, only wrote down half the message.

After about 5 minutes (it seemed that long) came " . . . over."

"Roger, all copied."

"Roger, read back."

"Errrrrrrrrrrrr"

[flipster]

Heard on HQPTC/RAFSC 'Quiet frequency' when my instructor was laughing at my aeros sequence(!) in a JP5

"Practice Pan (x3) - CWL xx, Practice pan, JP, 5miles north of Louth blah, simulated engine blah, request steer for Cranwell blah"

My Instructor " Roger CWL xx, London Mil, your Practice Pan is acknowledged, steer 380 degrees for Cranwell"

"Roger London Mil, turning left 380...................uh?"

Sadly for the stude, he never really saw the funny side and eventually got 're-roled'.

[On_The_Top_Bunk]

From The Pprune ATC FORUM.

Not sure of the credibility of some of these but here you go anyway.

Why let the truth get in the way of a giggle?


Allegedly on D&D's frequency some time back...

A/C: "London, this is G-xx, solo cross-country, I'm lost and require assistance."

D&D: "Roger G-xx. What was the last point at which you were sure of your position?"

A/C: "Holding point A1, just before departure..."

Lady student, very well spoken, with instructor - "Gxx on final"

ATC: "Gxx clear to land runway xx Surface wind etc...."

Lady student: "Roger, Gxx cleared to land runway xx, Christ and s**t! I've really made a f...king bollox of this one, it was all going so sodding well, oh well guess you better take control, what a stupid cow I am, you have cont..." (Realises she's still transmitting).

------------------------------------------------------------------------

In the 60's at a German airfield an un-exploded bomb is dug out of a taxiway during some work. The airfield is closed and all a/c enter the hold. After about 30mins fuel is getting low and a rather pompous BEA skipper is getting agitated.

a/c: Can you really give us no idea as to when we can make an approach? It's most inefficient.

ATC: Ah yes, but it is not our inefficiency. It is your bomb and it has failed to explode.

------------------------------------------------------------------------

radar: Spitfire G-xx squawk 1234
spit: Sorry sir, negative transponder.

radar (puzzled, watching 7000 leaping across screen exactly where Spit says he is, at Spit speeds & same level): Are you sure you don't have a transponder? If not, there's traffic very close by, same height & speed.

Spit: hang on, I'll look...(lengthy pause).
Spit (very surprised): Bloody hell, I've found one! What was that squawk again?

------------------------------------------------------------------------


Manchester, a winter's night in the early '80s. Approach, to an inbound 1-11:-

"Speedbird 123 we've reports of light icing above FL50, severe icing below. Also turbulence, moderate to severe at all levels but particularly bad on final approach with windshear reported. Previous landing aircraft report loss and gain of airspeed in excess of 20 knots on final approach. Visibility is 1200 metres in hail showers. The runway is wet, braking action poor."

There was a silence, before Speedbird replied:

"Roger all that. You forgot to mention the flak!"

------------------------------------------------------------------------

ATC to female pilot: "Will you take an intermediate departure or do you want the full length?"

Female Pilot: "I always take the full length"

------------------------------------------------------------------------

ATC "Shamrock123 you are number two in traffic"

S123 "Roger Surr, is dat number one in front?"
At a regional airport a few years ago:

------------------------------------------------------------------------

"Approach, XYZ request further climb"

"XYZ, Negative, maintain your level"

This a few more times, then:

"Approach, XYZ, if we don't get climb soon we won't be able to make our cruise level."

"XYZ, Approach, if you climb now into the opposite direction traffic you won't even make the coast!"

"Roger"

------------------------------------------------------------------------
Heard recently at a LARS unit...

'G-??, report your point of departure?'

Puzzled reply '...to get to XYZ?' A female ATCO

------------------------------------------------------------------------

"Hawk 364 have you left my frequency"

Hawk 364 "Affirm!!!!"
Heard over the Gulf a few years ago

------------------------------------------------------------------------

atc this is c/s - request fl600

reply - Buddy if you can make fl600 it's all yours!

Roger - descending fl600

(Guess the aircraft type)

------------------------------------------------------------------------

BA 747 has just rolling out after landing at LL from an ILS approach.

TWR (trying to be helpful - of course): Just for information, you appeared to be slightly left of the centreline all the way down the approach.

BA (after a short pause): Yes that's right, and my First Officer was slightly to the right of it.

------------------------------------------------------------------------


A hot summer afternoon at LHR in the 70's (or so I was told). Pan-Am 747 struggles off the end of 27R, pops an engine and starts dumping fuel.

ATC. I see you have a problem sir but you are not in a fuel dumping area and that's Windsor Castle straight ahead.

Pan-AM. Son, do you have a phone?.

ATC. Yes.

Pan-AM. Well you call the lady and ask her if she wants the fuel or the whole airplane!

------------------------------------------------------------------------

Manx Shorts 3-60 at holding point - C172 at intersection reports ready - lady ATCO replies "standby, I've got to get my Shorts off first !"

------------------------------------------------------------------------


When asked on UHF if she could get weather for Cardiff & Bristol for mail flights, lady ATCO responded "I've already got Bristol's!"
Back in the early 70’s Rhein had a 2 number transponder code with no height readout. (eg 5400)
Phantom 4 called "overhead NTM FL350"
Rhein "Confirm level?"
Phantom 4 confidently "FL350"
Rhein "Phantom 4 I cleared you FL 250 what are your intentions"
Phanton 4 "…..Er Standby"
Rhein "Phantom 4; "I cleared you FL250 Vot are your intentions (becoming very exasperated)"
Phantom 4 "…………….Er Standby"
Rhein (now no longer needing a radio to be heard ) "Phantom 4 I CLEARED YOU TO FL 250 YOU ARE AT FL 350 VOT ARE OUR INTENTIONS "
Phantom 4 " Er…. Oh Sh*t self destruct"

Deathly silence.

------------------------------------------------------------------------

Late at night, very quiet on the frequency,

a/c: God I'm f***ing bored!

atc: Who said that?

a/c: I'm not that bored

------------------------------------------------------------------------

Remember the clippers?

"Clipper 131 you are drifting off to the north, suggest to turn right by 3 degrees"

(B727, muttering) "Unable to do such little turns boy!"

"Roger, in this case turn right fifteen and turn back twelve!"

Only occasion I can remember a controller scoring against a clipper captain.------------------------------------------------------------------------



LATCC: USAir XXX descend to altitude 4000', QNH 1017 millibars.

USAir: Roger descend to altitude 4000' and do you have that in inches.

LATCC: Affirm, USAir, descend to altitude 48000 inches.

------------------------------------------------------------------------

A DC-10 had an exceedingly long roll out after landing with his approach speed just a little too high.
San Jose Tower: "American 751 heavy, turn right at the end, if able.
If not able, take the Guadeloupe exit off of Highway 101 and make a right at the light to return to the airport.

------------------------------------------------------------------------

Tower: "Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on 124.7."
Eastern 702: "Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure ... by the way, after we lifted off, we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the runway."
Tower: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on 124.7; did you copy the report from Eastern?"
Continental 635: "Continental 635, roger, cleared for takeoff; and yes, we copied Eastern and we've already notified our caterers."

------------------------------------------------------------------------

Another on reported a few years back: A USAF C130 at the holding point at EDDF notices that the Lufthansa 747 in the holding bay in front still has the gear pins in place.
"DLH xxx, Reach XXX, come up on 123.45"
"Ve are German professional pilots and ve do not exchange chit chat on unauthorised frequencies"
"Tower, Reach XXX, tell the professional pilot in the big jet that he's still got his landing gear pins in"

------------------------------------------------------------------------

When the ATIS was not computerised and a human voice was required...
"Aberdeen Approach this is DANAIR F**king 154"
"Station calling, say again!"
"Aberdeen this is DANAIR F**king 154"
"DANAIR 154, Aberdeen, use standard R/T phraseology, pass your message"
"I will when you do - listen to the ATIS"
ATCO listens to the ATIS, while the weather is being broadcast and in the background, clear as a bell, you can hear "Where's the F**king DAN154?".

------------------------------------------------------------------------

Liverpool, 1980's.

US Military had some sort of operation at Burtonwood - just off to the north east of the zone....... arriving for an ILS app runway 27, in a King Air, with the callsign "Lord xxx".

Cessna 172 (G-MALK was downwind in the visual circuit, doing touch and go's). Instructor in Cessna was monitoring Approach frequency in headset - whilst student and same instructor were working tower on loudspeaker....

Twr: "G-LK, ILS traffic at 5 miles, report traffic in sight."

G-LK: "Wilco, G-LK"

Pause.

G-LK "Hallelujah"

Twr: "G-LK, say again???????????"

G-LK "I have seen the Lord!!!"

[propulike]

we hear some low life in a C-130OK I'll bite. BEags, sometimes you really do come across as a c0ck. :bored:


On another trip though, a funny bloke on a WC-10 ;) at Bahrain in the mid-90s.

ATC - GulfAir xxx are you ready to taxi?
GAir - Negative, we are just punching some information into our nav kit.
ATC - Roger. Ascot xxxx are you ready to taxi
Ascot - Negative, we're just punching some information into our navigator.

[BEagle]

Sorry - I meant this particular bloke was a 'low-life' - there was no way he was going to be able to talk to Dakar from the position he stated!

My sympathies to the C-130 force - on another thread AbiW has describes seeing 'Pang' in her swimsuit at Akrotiri :eek: ! A truly terrifying thought - I nearly brought up my early morning cuppa!

[petitfromage]

USAF C-5 Galaxy taxing behind a United 747 at Hickham circa 1990.

Tower: "xxxx, caution wake turbulence behind the 7-forty-7"
C-5: "Ah.....what is that 7-forty-7 grossing" (obviously trying to prove he's bigger)
United: "About $340,000 before tax son, how about you?"

[propulike]

Good morning to you too!

(05:22 - I hope you're not in UK....)

[Data-Lynx]

A Sea Prince out over the south-west approaches on low-level navigation training in the 70's is heading for the west coast of the Lizard peninsular. The front seat sports a Gannet and helo driver, who is also the RN's mentor for "Cardinal Puff". The student observer is international, in the back and vaguely aware over the intercom that something may not be right.
Captain: 'What is our course and speed?'
Student: '090 and 150 knots.'
Captain: 'What is our height?'
Student: '250 feet.'
Captain: 'Give me an update on coasting in and what is the height of land?'
Student: '2 miles north of Predannack, 8 miles to run and (after much paper shuffling) 320 feet.'
After another long silence, the pilot tried again.
Captain: 'We are at 250 feet and the cliffs are two minutes away at 320 feet. What do you want me to do?'
A pause then -
Student: 'I have the greatest of faith in your ability, Sah.'

[brakedwell]

Saturday morning in Palma during the mid-eighties. A row of G reg Boeing 737/757/767's, doors closed, passegers boarded, had been waiting between one and two hours for their slot times to come up. A Lufthansa 737 taxied in, parked and half an hour later called for start clearance, which was given immediately. A very British voice said: "Hey Lufthansa, how did you manage that?" The Lufthansa pilot replied: "We came here yesterday and put our towel on the runway! True story, I was one of those who were twiddling our thumbs.

[Descend to What Height?!?]

Early 1990's. That Hercules with the long red and white nose. Early morning take off from Wick up in the North of Jockistan.
Airfield is on top of a cliff, and flight plan called for take off and imediate descent to 50ft agl over the sea.

Just prior to take off Nav pipes up that perhaps we should tell ATC that once we were off the ground we would descend, not climb as the ATCO may just panic to see large aircraft tuck its wheels up, then dissapear over the cliff.

Wick Tower MetMan xx just to confirm that on take off we will descend to 50 ft.

Long Pause

MetManxx Wick, er Descend (????) to What Height ?!?!?!?!?
:eek: :eek: :eek:

[Swifty_N]

Hi all

Was once behind an aircraft at the hold when ATC had closed thinking why the hell isnt he lining up when he calls (i'll spare callsigns 4 embarrasment) '**** there appearse to be a model a/c on the approach quite low to the ground out of control'.

The reply to which was...'yes this is helimed** out of control on the approach to 24'. The stick he got after...well you can imagine!

[Pontius Navigator]

<<LATCC: USAir XXX descend to altitude 4000', QNH 1017 millibars.

USAir: Roger descend to altitude 4000' and do you have that in inches.

LATCC: Affirm, USAir, descend to altitude 48000 inches.>>

And

ATC: USAir XXX descend to altitude 4000', QNH 1017 millibars.

USAir female pilot: Roger descend to altitude 4000' and do you have that in inches.

Unknown c/s: Give it to her slow, inch by inch.
-------------------------------------------------------
And 2 201 Sqn Nimrods, unpopular AEO heard on freq: Other Nimrod chimes in “Falcon 21” whereupon AEO responds “Falcon 21 pass your message”

Back on the sqn, in Ops, a large poster with the decode of Falcon 21 greets AEO on landing.
Vulcan, en route El Adem, AEO having handled all the radios over France, Malta etc, calls up El Adem and asks for the weather.

Copilot, having called El Adem on the other box, quick as a flash, broadcasts the El Adem weather to the AEO.

“This is El Adem, read back correct.”

DOH

[spernkey]

Years ago at a secret location in warwickshire a tv crew installed a set in a field in order to make a popular run of childrens programmes. Heard one day "Golf India Delta - Tellytubbies for rejoin" thinking how witty he was.
To which Jonathan(ATCO) instantly replied "Ehhh Ohhh India Delta join for 18 Left".

[Lon More]

JAL flight somewhere over Scotland cleared direct POL; "Dilect whea?" "PoleHill POL" "Say again" "POL" "Solly, not unnerstan." "American voice, "Makes you wonder how they found Pearl Harbor."

[brakedwell]

At the end of a trans Pacific sector enroute to Honolulu, a Japanair DC8 is told to call Hawaii Control on VHF. After establishing VHF contact the F/O presses the transmit button and says respectfully: "Hawaii Control, Japanair 842 request permission to land Hickham."
"Japanair 842, you will be in landing at Honolulu International, Hickham is the Air Force Base."
"Japanair 842, request land Hickham."
"Japanair 842, I say again, you are a commercial flight and will be landing at Honolulu International. Same airport different, different side."
A long silence followed, then: "Japanair 842, request permission land Hickham, cannot say Horrorrurru!"

[NutherA2]

1955, near Feltwell,I once heard a fellow (Piston) Provost course trainee call "Switching to 121.5 for Practice Pan"; knowing there was a Royal Flight on at the time, I switched too, just out of interest. The conversation went:
"Practice Pan, Practice Pan,Practice Pan,this is XXXX"
"XXXX this is XXXX Centre, there is a Royal Flight, no Practice Pans permitted"
"XXXX Roger................Practice Mayday, Practice Mayday,Practice Mayday."
_________________________________________________________

Years later in a Valley Gnat, on TR&G heard a Navy Hunter near Brawdy:
"Mayday, Mayday,Mayday, this is XXXX"
"Mayday aircraft this is XXXX your position is XXXX, what is the nature of your emergency, can you maintain altitude?"
"XXXX this is XXXX, the Mayday's not for me, it's for him".
Turned out to be an ACM exercise & the leader of the pair had ejected]

[wub]

English accent from light aircraft calls Ediburgh, to request permission to cross zone.

"Callsign XXX Roger, report passing Loch Leven"

"Say again reporting point"

"Loch Leven"

Say again reporting point"

"The big lake in Fife"

[Bob Viking]

I'm all for funny stories and keeping them short to maintain the comedic impact but your last story about Nimrod AEOs made absolutely b@gger all sense to me. Maybe we could have it translated, or perhaps I'm just not used to listening to Navigators!
BV:E

[adr]

MetManxx Wick, er Descend (????) to What Height ?!?!?!?!?
:eek: :eek: :eek:
Reminds me of the old "underground searchlights" thread (http://groups.google.com/group/uk.rec.subterranea/browse_thread/thread/05418f6b45b6b408) on Usenet :E

adr

[brakedwell]

I'm all for funny stories and keeping them short to maintain the comedic impact but your last story about Nimrod AEOs made absolutely b@gger all sense to me. Maybe we could have it translated, or perhaps I'm just not used to listening to Navigators!
BV:E


A tech crew of more than two tends to complicates life.

[Pontius Navigator]

Bob Viking, sorry, got distracted.

FALCON is a brevity code (illegal) used by Spams with Dolphin Code being a somewhat cleaner and Brit equivalent. Both have some great put downs.

If I search the loft I might find the Bible, Falcon and Dolphin codes. There are others.

[Data-Lynx]

One version of the Falcon Code is here. (http://www.rnca.org.uk/humour/rnca9m.htm)Falcon 21: Give up now, try again later.

[Toxteth O'Grady]

Dolphin Code being a somewhat cleaner and Brit equivalent.

It's Canadian :8

:cool:

TOG

[adv-ert]

NATO Air Meet 2000 at Karup in Denmark. Day 3 of the war & the weather is truly sh1t for the mass recovery of 40 jets, including a flight of 4 Polish Su-22 Fitters, c/s Spartan:

ATC: "Spartan, turn left 240, descend 3500 ft, report visual with the airfield."

Spartan: "Say again pleeze"

ATC: "Spartan, are you visual with the airfield?"

Spartan: " Err....repeat pleeze"

ATC: "Spartan, if you are visual with the airfield, contact Tower on XXX.XX"

Spartan: "Kryznwsgy za zbigby nye zdavo" (or something equally unintelligible).

Cue every RAF jet on freq: "STOP THAT POLISH CHIT-CHAT!!"

Was laughing so hard I nearly departed....

:p

[southside]

Early 90's heard from a Culdrose Jetstream which (late on a friday afternoon) had booked in at cross St Mawgans MATZ at 2000' en route for a Navex to the NE

JS "SMG this is JS, thanks for the MATZ crossing, were now going en route"


SMG (Lady Controller) "Roger that, will you be coming over me on your way back to Culdrose"?


Guffahhh.

[M609]

Radar controller vs Italian 104:

Radar: I123B squawk 3412

104: Squawking 3410, I123B

Radar: 123B, negative that's 3412

104: I123B is squawking 3410, my last digit is broken.......

[Safety_Helmut]

You must hear all sorts on that airband radio southside ? ;)

[alexmac]

Not so much replies but interesting conversations;

"Ascot xxx request"
"go ahead"
"Have you any idea who got evicted from the Big Brother house this evening"
"None of us have actually seen telly this evening but i'll try and find out for you standby"
"Ascot xxx it's amazing how the jungle telegraph works, none of us have seen telly but the cleaner tells us it was xxx"
"Can you say thank you to the cleaner for us..."

**********
Another; Harriers after a long discussion with Ops [obviously little Britain fans]
"I'm sure they'll tell us in very, very long language when we check in anyway"
"yeeeeeeees"
"if you ask me on a Monday..."

**********
More Harriers after bombing east coast to pieces;
"Lincolnshire is the worst place on earth"
"rest of the country is absolutely perfect"
"poor score again"
"think we're in the wrong job mate"

*********
Harrier Ops call;
"Request out of window wx"
"yea pretty much same all around the UK, we could go to Wales though, it's errr scorchio!"

[Bob Viking]

I can't believe nobody has come up with the story of the US warship and the unknown radar contact yet!
I'd post it myself but my version might differ slightly from the real truth after many re-tellings and embellishments!
BV;)

[alexmac]

BV

That's not the one that's been turned into a vid clip advertising a watch is it?! I think I know the one you're talking about :ok:

[Bob Viking]

Haven't seen a video clip. It made me laugh though. I can't say what the contact was or I'd ruin the story. If nobody tells it soon, I'll tell my version, but don't hang me if it's not quite true to the facts. Not that that would normally stop me!
BV:)

[flipster]

South Atlantic late 1990s - about the time the Fast Show was 'de rigeur'. Albert was en route to Monte - the crew have got the ATIS - obviously, 'Metrologicos Scorchio' (which was more than could be said for Islas Malvinas)!

" Montevideo Approach, this is Ascot ~~~~, Buenos Diente "

and on departure,

"Ascot ~~~~ en route, Butros Butros Galli"

Both of which were met with stunned silence initially - I'm sure they thought we were mad.

[SASless]

Found these by investing in Google's improved profits....

This is a report of a genuine radio conversation between Galicians and North
Americans. It was taken from
the frequencies of the Spanish Maritime Emergency channel 106, on the
Galician coast "Costa Finisterre" on 16 October 1997.
It was only released to the media by the Spanish military authorities in
March 2005.
All Spanish newspapers published the story and all of Spain is laughing
itself silly.

-----

Galician: (Noise in background) ....... This is A-853 calling you. Please
alter your course to 15 degrees South to avoid a collision. You are sailing
directly towards us - distance 25 nautical miles.

American: (Noise in background)......We advise you to alter course to 15
degrees North to avoid a collison.

Galician: Answer Negative. We repeat: alter your course 15 degrees to South
to avoid a collision.

American (another American voice): This is the Captain of a ship of the Navy
of the United States of America speaking to you.
We insist that you alter your course immediately to 15 degrees North to
avoid a collision.

Galician: We see this as not possible nor useful. We recommend that you
alter course to 15 degrees South to avoid a collision.

American: (angry commanding tone): THIS IS CAPTAIN RICHARD JAMES HOWARD,
COMMANDER OF THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER "USS LINCOLN" OF THE NAVY OF THE UNITED
STATES OF AMERICA, THE SECOND LARGEST WARSHIP OF THE NORTH AMERICAN FLEET. WE ARE
ACCOMPANIED BY TWO ARMOURED CRUISERS, SIX DESTROYERS, 4 U-BOATS AND OTHER
SHIPS THAT CAN SUPPORT US AT ANY TIME.
WE ARE ON THE SHORTEST ROUTE TO THE PERSIAN GULF TO PREPARE FOR A MILITARY
MANOUEVER
THAT COULD LEAD TO AN OFFENSIVE OPERATION AGAINST IRAQ.
...... I ORDER YOU TO ALTER YOUR COURSE TO 15 DEGREES NORTH!!!!
IF YOU DO NOT COMPLY WE SHALL FIND OURSELVES FORCED TO TAKE WHATEVER ACTION
IS NECESSARY TO GUARANTEE THE SECURITY OF THIS AIRCRAFT CARRIER AND ENTIRE
STRIKE FORCE.
YOU ARE AN ALLIED STATE, MEMBER OF NATO AND THEREFORE OF THIS MILITARY
FORCE....
PLEASE OBEY WITHOUT DELAY AND GET OUT OF OUR WAY!!!!!!!

Galician: This is Juan Manuel Salas Alcántara. We are two people. With us is
our dog and food, two beers and a man from the Canaries who has already
asleep. We have the support of the transmitter Cadena Dial of la Coruna and the
Maritime Emergency Channel 106.
We are going nowhere since we are speaking to you from the land. We are in
lighthouse A-853 Finister, on the Galician Coast. We have no (Expletive Deleted)ting idea of
where we rank in the Spanish Lighthouse Service.
And you can take whatever steps you consider necessary and which you find
sexy to guarantee the safety of your
(Expletive Deleted)ting aircraft carrier, but you are about to split open your ship on the
coastal reefs of Galicia, and on these grounds we urge you, and wish once
more to issue a heartfelt plea that it is the best, the healthiest and cleverest
move for you and your people, to alter your course to 15 degrees South to
avoid a collision.




Similar breakdown of communication :-)

An (alleged) conversation between the US and Canada in the Atlantic,
October 1995

America This is the US Navy. We are on course to collide with you.
Suggest you alter course 15 degrees to the north.

Canada We suggest you move YOUR course 15 degrees south.

America This is the US Navy. We have one aircraft carrier, two
destroyers, two cruisers and several support vessels. Repeat suggestion
that you adgust course 15 degress to the north.

Canada We repeat suggestion that YOU adjust YOUR course 15 degrees to
the south.

America This is your last chance. If you do not adgust your course 15
degrees to the north we will use deadly force to make sure you do.

Canada This is a lighthouse. Repeat again suggestion to move your course
15 degrees south. Your call.

[Wee Jock]

Spitfire vroooming to Cranwell for air day, mistakes Waddington for Cranwell, doesn't believe the controller who points out he's vroooming the wrong direction. So pilot reports initials at Waddington -

Contoller: Roger, read the numbers on the runway.
Pilot: 03.
Controller: We haven't got a 03. You're at Waddington.

The rest is totally superflous.

[SASless]

Navy S-2 pilot lines up and calls ready for takeoff Runway 15 at Smith Reynolds airport in my hometown at the end of the annual airshow. Tower clears said Stoof for departure Runway 15. (The main ILS served runway)

Loud roar of big recip engines....nose of Stoof rears up with acceleration...

Tannoy carrying the ATC radio chat sounds...

Tower.....Navy S-2, confirm you are using RWY 15!

S-2 Pilot....Roger Tower....Navy XXX rolling on RWY 15

Tower...Navy, you see the large red brick building at the end of the runway?

S-2 Pilot....Affirm Tower....brick building in sight!

Tower....Navy that is the Fairchild Hiller Factory building at the end of runway 18....the runway marked by those large white X's at each end.

S-2....After a sudden decrease in noise and acceleration....tail of Stoof now very much higher than at any time thus far...."(Expletives heard!)"

[RubiC Cube]

I can't believe nobody has come up with the story of the US warship and the unknown radar contact yet!

BV;)


Mid 70s, JMC?, conducting intermitent radar sweeps, radar identifies riser, radar off, home to datum, searchlight on, USS Nimitz!

That the one?

[Blodwyn Pig]

was just reading on another forum about an accident that one of the first B-36's to visit britain had, he landed 2 miles short of the runway in a frozen snow covered field, apparently the radio messages went along the lines of....


Controller: "You are two miles to touchdown, on centreline"

Pilot: "I have landed." A slight pause , then: "My isn't your field rough!"

[vapilot2004]

radar: Spitfire G-xx squawk 1234
spit: Sorry sir, negative transponder.

radar (puzzled, watching 7000 leaping across screen exactly where Spit says he is, at Spit speeds & same level): Are you sure you don't have a transponder? If not, there's traffic very close by, same height & speed.

Spit: hang on, I'll look...(lengthy pause).
Spit (very surprised): Bloody hell, I've found one! What was that squawk again?


Made me laugh out loud that one did ! - Thanks for that OTTB :} :) :}

[ehwatezedoing]

I know, I already posted this one a thousand time:
Friend of mine, ATC'er working a departure frequency after an Airshow in Canada. And trying to take care of a CF-18.

"Hard 22, what is your heading ?"
"......"
"Hard twenty two, what is your heading ?"
"..........."
"HARD 22, WHAT IS YOUR HEADING ?"

"......I'm not heading, I'm climing...." :}

[tablet_eraser]

Monitoring guard a few weeks ago, only able to hear one side of the conversation between London and an unknown ac:

ATC: Last station this is London Centre, you're on guard.
(silence)
ATC: Last station this is London Centre, you're still on guard.
(silence)
ATC: Last station this is London Centre, I don't know who you are or why you're chatting on guard, but I have your expletives on tape...

:\

[circle kay]

Not quite a reply but…’Relatively’ quiet FM Ch 16 in the Persian Gulf, we’re on our way up to the north at medium level. P1 is very bored of the transit and thinks no one else on the crew is listening to the FM box. In his best ‘Abu from The Simpsons’ accent, he transmits ‘Shut Up You B***ARDS!’ Ch 16 very rapidly fills up with cross modulation, Arabic music, the sound track from a porn film and verbal abuse of every kind and in every accent imaginable. The bedlam continues with no further prompting from the flight deck till we descend to join the CVN battle group.:)

[Ballast]

SASless

ah - the lighthouse one

see

http://www.snopes.com/military/lighthse.htm

[Duncan D'Sorderlee]

Scot Mil: XXX are you still conducting covert ops in position blah blah blah?

Secret Pie Plane: Not any more. Out!

[Mark IX]

I was flying an army helicopter at STANTA during the 90s alongside two Wessex from Benson. One of the Wessex crew was the Station Commander who was doing his CR check. On day two both Wessex went (semi long term) unserviceable and I offered a 'get you home' ticket to Staish 'after I've done a quick 20 minute recce with the CO of the infantry battalion'. Staish was delighted and when I got back he came up to me with all the maps, NOTAMS and airfield bookings fully prepared (very professionally). We set off for Benson after a quick suck of fuel and he did sticks and poles whilst I did the radio & nav. The weather was poor so we flew at fairly low level the whole way and didn't get a hold of Benson until just a few minutes before the MATZ boundary. The conversation went as follows:
Me: Benson, Army Air 625, Good Afternoon.
ATC: Army Air 625 pass your message.
Me: Army Air 625, currently fifteen miles North of the field, request joining instructions.
ATC (Very curt and condescending voice): Army Air 625, Benson is a PPR airfield, you are not booked in and we might well not be able or prepared to accept you this time. Standby (hurrumph before pressel released).
(Station Commander offers me control and takes over the radio)
Station Commander (no preamble): There are Five Thousand Two Hundred and Fifty reasons why you should know that Army Air 625 is booked in to Benson.
(An RAF Form 5250 was, apparently, an Officers Annual Confidential Report).
Thirty second pause.....
ATC (new controller): Army Air 625 is cleared direct to Station Headquarters HLS, Active runway 01 , QFE 1001, Circuit Clear.
Station Commander: OC Ops to report outside my office before I get there. Hat required. No further transmissions.
Stony silence in cockpit for a few seconds followed by charming farewell as he got out rotors running and stomped off to grip the miscreant...
Apocryphal tale from Wattisham during the Lightning era
Several Lightning squadrons had launched on an exercise with only Wattisham, Binbrook and Waddington having suitable, serviceable approach aids. A crash at Binbrook made the airfield black and Waddington went below minima, leaving only Wattisham available. Anglia Radar had been struggling to vector people somewhere suitable for several vital minutes……..
Lightning: Wattisham Approach, Lightning 007 request radar vectors PAR.
ATC: Lightning 007 Squawk 2345, turn right heading 210. Descend report level 1500’ on Wattisham QFE 1017, expect radar vectors RWY 05, nine similar type ahead, expect four minute delay.
Lightning: Lightning 007, Mayday, fuel priority.
ATC: Lightning 007 your Mayday acknowledged. You are number eight with seven Maydays ahead and one on. Expect four minute delay.
(Does anyone know if this is an accurate version of events?)

[Gainesy]

Akrotiri tower 1971-ish.
A new-fangled, high-tech (cough!) thing called an Electro-writer had been installed on trial. This wonder consisted of two boxes, one in local and one in approach. Each had a pen mounted on a pantograph type thing and a roll of paper. Whatever was written on the one would simultaneously write on the other--sort of instant fax.

Just after it was installed, SATCO was in local when the thing scribbled out a noughts and crosses grid wiith an "X" in the top left sector.

SATCO took the pen and wrote out: "This is an expensive machine and should not be used for trivial time-wasting games, SATCO"

Seconds later came the reply:"This is the Station Commander. Play."

Can't remeber the SATCO's name, but the Station Master was Bill Stacey.

[PhotoBoy]

In Florida, a tyro on a cross country excercise calls (I think it was) Keystone.

Tyro : Keystone Traffic, N XXXX inbound for landing to full stop runway 24

Keystone : We don't have a runway 24 here

Tryo : Cool



Transmmission ends.

[Pontius Navigator]

Gainsy, yes I remember that incident well except I thought it was Mike Beavis, OC Bomber, although you might be right about Stacey, don't remember him as Bill though.

Could start a whole new thread about Stacey, one of the most charismatic stn cdrs I have ever met. Like his swansong when he flew all the types on the base in one day. I understand that the SAR crew landed on the beach after they had fished him from Limasol Bay having jumped out of a Herc. He flew the chopper back - they went by road.

He awarded himself para wings after doing a set of water jumps. No one was going to tell an Air Cdre that he had to do P-Sqn.

Or the post-flight beers he used to have dispensed in the VIP lounge and charge to mess guests. "I'm off chaps, just tell the steward what you want." Or the Ladies Room off-limits as it was his private room in the mess.

And the SLRs etc etc.

[Ex Douglas Driver]

Probing and warning off training for big grey boats: engaged in a long diatribe about right to operate conduct exercises in international waters etc:

"Unidentified Avalonian Aircraft, this is xxx warship. Indentify your playmate" (MPA was snooping around the sides)

"Warship, this is Avalonian Aircraft. We are playing with ourselves..."

"bwa hahahha"

"Bruiser, bruiser, bruiser...."

"Bugger"

[Gainesy]

T'was definitely Stacey, I was there.

Do you remember his personalised long wheelbase Land Rover? No top, gloss white overall, chrome hubcaps and white-wall tyres? I almost ran into the back of it when he stopped dead to bollock some poor bloke who had failed to salute him. After he'd had a word, he turned round shouted "Sorry about that" and drove off.

Apologies for drift, whittering on...
Oh, yes, when i aws at Wittering....

[Pontius Navigator]

Gainsy, After one exercise NEAF told the staish that they had followed him all round Akrotiri using the PR Canberras from Luqa.

Next week Stacey's Landrover is camouflaged. High gloss polyurethene Vulcan paint complete with the chrome grab rails around the back. When challenged in the bar as to why (one of 56, Dave Cyster I think) he responded that everyone knew who he was so it was now time to go tactical.

[jungliebeefer]

Day three of my first front line tour returning to Aldergrove from the South trying a little too hard to impress my experienced training officer. The joining call went along the lines of:

"Aldergrove App, this V26 NO V38, 10 miles to the North NO South to join from the EAST no WEST"

The prompt reply from ATC,
"Roger V38 you appear to have us surrounded!"

[dougcs]

This one was my pleasure off of the Fresno Air Terminal (FAT) during a scorching summer in a Shorts 360 in '89:

Fresno ATC: "Wescom XX, give me your best rate to 8000."

Me: "Roger best rate, but be advised I have a load in my Shorts."

ATC Frequency: (s i l e n c e... then a keyed mike with much laughter)

[1279shp]

And said with much glee!

"....wilco number two behind the little Focker...."

Was about to taxy and nearly peed pants!

:D :D

[Farmer 1]

Aprocryphal, probably, but anyway:

A pilot was doing his daily task, which was towing a target for the RA bods to shoot at. One round went off a bit too close for comfort, and he called control.

"You chaps do realise I'm pulling this target, not pushing it, don't you?"

[tablet_eraser]

Aaah, the (apocryphal) light-house story... (
http://www.jokaroo.com/funnyvideos/usnavyowned.html)

[teeteringhead]

And shortly following the lighthouse, I guess we'll get the "funny-responses-to-Tech Log/F700-entries"............:rolleyes:

[Gainesy]

...and the one about the Antonov that jettisoned a Japanese trawler onto a herd of pedigree cows.:rolleyes:

[BEagle]

....and the one about the Shackleton making an approach to a USN carrier...:rolleyes:

[flipster]

I can remember one from the 234 Sqn/ TWU line book at Brawdy about a Hunter that called for recovery and obviously got the old code-words for DME and Altitude confused.

Hunter "Bravo xx request recovery for Brawdy"

ATC "Roger Bravo xx, what is your hayrake?"

Hunter " Ummm.......20,000, heading north."

ATC (well within 5 secs) " In that case, Bravo xx steer 010 degrees and call me back tomorrow!"

[haltonapp]

In the 70's Rome control to Military Airlift Command flight, MAC4576 say your Mach number, "roger MAC4576", and I have heard our transatlantic cousins call IOM, 10 Mike!

[Gainesy]

Well, not an approach per se but...
http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v167/Gainesy/shackcarrier.jpg

[johnfairr]

Gainesy not often you see a Shack overtaking an F-4 . . . .

jf

[Gainesy]

From my few flights in a Shack I'd guess the Indy is overtaking it...

[NutherA2]

A Perth based Cessna twin, procedural IFR training at Glasgow, student pilot (English not his first language) trying manfully to cope with RT unassisted; exchange ran:

Glasgow “Airwork XX I have your outbound clearance”

Cessna “Glasgow, Airwork XX Ready to copy”

Glasgow “Airwork XX Near incomprehensible stream of high speed Glaswegian”

Cessna (Mystified) “Glasgow, Airwork XX Say again”

Glasgow “Airwork XX I say again Near incomprehensible stream of high speed Glaswegian”

Cessna (Still mystified) “Glasgow, Airwork XX say again more slowly”

Glasgow “Airwork XX I say againNear incomprehensible stream of high speed Glaswegian”

Cessna “Glasgow, Airwork XX instructor, request an English speaking controller”

[Throttle Pusher]

Heard last week on way back from Hannover
ATC “callsign what’s your position?”
Aircraft “I’m in the left hand seat!”

[Hilife]

Infantry Corporal is addressing a mixture of British Army officers on the utilisation of a Bedford MK 4 Tonne truck for field logistics support.

Towards the end of the presentation the Corporal demonstrates traceability of various part number items to there correct storage bin location in the truck, nuts, bolts, rifle parts etc.

Knowing that his demonstration could have been pre-arranged and therefore flawed, the Corporal invites his audience to think of an item that he could try and locate.

Pointing to his hackle, a rather posh spoken officer from the Fusiliers pipes up “I say Corporal, you wouldn’t happen to have one of these would you?”

Quick as a flash the Corporal responds, “With respect sir, this is a logistics wagon not a bloody pet shop”

[RayDarr]

Captain Mick o'Toole of Begorrah Airlines when asked for his height and position replied, "Oim fifefoot six and oim sittin in the front"
The same chap who having burned out all his brakes was amazed to have landed on a runway only 150 feet long. He noticed however it was 2500 feet wide.

[ComJam]

JMC last year, formation of harriers handed to a ScotMil console from the ICF.

Harriers: "Jedi! (2,3,4)... Scottish, Jedi"

ScotMil: "Jedi, Identified are you advisory radar service" (best Yoda voice)

:D

[Safeware]

Heard a story a number of years ago about a Nimrod trying to contact a US battleship in the Med, wondering why he wasn't getting a reply to his calls to 'TEN WHISKEY ALPHA'

sw

[Farmer 1]

Don't they have Oscar Hotel Wun Zero, as well?

Don't know why, but it makes me think of:

F.U.N.E.X?
9.V.F.N.10.E.X.
Y.F.N.U.N.E.X?
I.F.E.10.M.

[Angrel]

Just been handed over a Harrier with a mayday call from D+D;

Pilot: xxx app; mayday vixen 1.
ATC: vixen 1, good morning!!
Pilot: thanks, i've had better!

[Truck2005]

During a flight back from Dulles on one of HM Vickers queen of the skies, I was listening in on the flight deck to a rather prolonged argument between numerous airlines, wanting to get high flight levels. We were top of the stack, at FL390. In a quiet spell a new voice appeared.

"This is Speedbird 001. Requesting DECSENT to FL500"

Things were a little quiet for a while. :)

[teeteringhead]

May have told this one before:

When one was serving with SOAF, a contract officer who had previously served with the RAF and the RCAF (as was) was being given a hard time by a baby loan service jet pilot .....

"Listen sonny, I've been in more air forces than you've been on squadrons"

[station workshops]

Tower: "Hawk 20, is this the same aircraft declaring emergency about two hours ago ?"
Pilot: "Negative, Sir. It's only the same pilot."

Pilot: "Approach, Acme Flt 202, with you at 12,000' and 40 DME."
Approach: "Acme 202, cross 30 DME at and maintain 8000'."
Pilot: "Approach, 202's unable that descent rate."
Approach: "What's the matter 202? Don't you have speed brakes?"
Pilot: "Yup. But they're for my mistakes. Not yours."

Controller: AF123, say call sign of your wingman.
Pilot: Uh... approach, we're a single ship.
Controller: oooohhh! You have traffic!

Lady Radar Controller: "Can I turn you on at 7 miles?" Airline Captain: "Madam, you can try."

Pilot: "Golf Juliet Whiskey, request instructions for takeoff" Persons unknown: "Open the throttle smoothly, check temperatures and pressures rising, keep the aircraft straight using ....."

Lost student pilot: "Unknown airport with Cessna 150 circling overhead, identify yourself."


Tower: "Alpha Charlie, climb to 4000 ft for noise abatement" Aircraft: "How can I possibly be creating excess noise at 2000 ft?" Tower: "At 4000 ft you will miss the twin coming at you at 2000 ft, and that is bound to avoid one hell of a racket".


Good knowledge of radio procedure..
ATIS Hotel
"ATIS" stands for "Automated Terminal Information Service," which is a recorded message broadcast at most busy airports around the country. ATIS gives pilots the current wind, air traffic, and runway information and each time the information changes, the broadcast is revised, with each revision being assigned the next letter in the phonetic alphabet. This designation is included in the broadcast, which is identified as, "Information Alpha..." Bravo, Charlie, etc. At ATIS-equipped airports, pilots are required to listen to the recording prior to contacting Approach Control or the tower and must repeat the "Information so-and-so" identifier when they make their initial radio call. Sometimes, the results can be hilarious...

The scenario: it was night over Las Vegas and "Information Hotel" was current on the ATIS. Mooney 33W wasn't too sharp, but he didn't let that stop him from talking to Approach Control.

Approach: 33W confirm you have hotel.
33W: Uhhhmm, we're flying into McCarren International. Uhhhmm, we don't have a hotel room yet.
approach control was laughing too hard to respond. The next several calls went like this:
Approach: United 5, descend to FL220.
United 5: United 5 down to FL220; we don't have a hotel room either.

Cleared for take-off...
This CFI and his Student are holding on the runway for departing cross traffic when suddenly a deer runs out of the nearby woods, stops in the middle of the runway, and just stands there looking at them.
Tower: Cessna XXX cleared for take-off.
Std: "What should I do? What should I do?"
Inst: "What do you think you should do?"
(think-think-think)
Std: "Maybe if I taxi toward him it'll scare him away."
Inst: "That's a good idea."
(Taxis toward deer, but deer is macho, and holds position.)
Tower: Cessna XXX cleared for take-off, runway NN.
Std: "What should I do? What should I do?"
Inst: "What do you think you should do?"
(think-think-think)
Std: "Maybe I should tell the tower."
Inst: "That's a good idea."
Std: "Cessna XXX, uh, there's a deer down here on the runway."
(long pause)
Tower: Roger XXX, hold your position. Deer on runway NN cleared for immediate departure.
(Two seconds, and then--I presume by coincidence--the deer bolts from the runway, and runs back into the woods.)
Tower: Cessna XXX cleared for departure, runway NN. Caution wake turbulence, departing deer.
- It had to be tough keeping that Cessna rolling straight for take-off...


Leaving Palo Alto one Friday. A Citabria had just landed:
PAO: 85 Uniform, Taxi to position and hold.
XX: Position and hold, 85 Uniform.
Citabria: Umm, Tower, there's a dead seagull on the right side of the runway near the windsock.
PAO: Roger. 85 Uniform, cleared for takeoff. Watch for a dead seagull on the right side of the runway.
XX: 85 Uniform, Dead seagull traffic in sight.
A little later, the Citabria was downwind when heard:
PAO: Citabria 123, cleared to land 30. Caution - there's a buzzard trying to eat the seagull on the runway.


A while ago while waiting to depart from Jeffco (Northwest Denver area airport) I heard an obvious student in a Cessna 152:

Ah Jeffco Tower this is ah Cessna XXXXX final for ah runway ah 11 . . .
Jeffco Tower: You're not on final, final is when you don't have to turn anymore to get to the runway!


A control tower prided itself on the speed of delivery of clearances

Aircraft (after hearing a high speed delivery). "You hear the speed I'm talking? That's the speed I'm listening."

ATC: "Cessna G-ABCD What are your intentions? "
Cessna: "To get my Commercial Pilots Licence and Instrument Rating.
" ATC: "I meant in the next five minutes not years."

Cessna:"Jones tower, Cessna 12345, student pilot, I am out of fuel."
Tower: "Roger Cessna 12345, reduce airspeed to best glide!! Do you have the airfield in sight?!?!!"
Cessna: "Uh...tower, I am on the south ramp; I just want to know where the fuel truck is."


Tower: "xxxx, clear to land"
XXXX: "roger"
Tower: "xxxx, I can not see any landing gear. Is your gear down?"
XXXX: "Say again, I can't hear you because there’s a darn horn blaring in my ear!"
Tower: "Your landing gear is NOT DOWN"
XXXX: "Say what, I can't understand you"
Tower: "Your landing gear is ..... aw ****."

Cessna 152: "Flight Level Three Thousand, Seven Hundred"
Controller: "Roger, contact Houston Space Center"

ATC: "N123YZ, say altitude."
N123YZ: "ALTITUDE!"
ATC: "N123YZ, say airspeed."
N123YZ: "AIRSPEED!"
ATC: "N123YZ, say cancel IFR."
N123YZ: "Eight thousand feet, one hundred fifty knots indicated

Tower: "Hotel Papa Oscar climb four thousand to six thousand and maintain."
Pilot: "Hotel Papa Oscar, climbing flight level 100."
Tower: "Hotel Papa Oscar, climb to flight level 60 and maintain."
Pilot: "But four plus six is ten, isn't it?"
Tower: "You should climb, not add up."

A beautiful summer day with good thermals, near Billund airport, Denmark:
Billund ATC: "Gliders 82 and D5, state position and altitude?"
82: Overhead Coal Lake, 6400 feet."
D5: "Same position, same altitude."
ATC (cool, dry voice): "So should I go get my collision report form??"

Tower: "Aircraft on final, go around, there's an aircraft on the runway!"
Pilot Trainee: "Roger" (pilot continues approach)
Tower: "Aircraft, I said GO AROUND!!!"!
Pilot Trainee: "Roger"
The trainee doesn't react, lands the aircraft on the numbers, rolls to a twin standing in the middle of the runway, goes around the twin and continues to the taxiway.

Controller: "CRX600, are you on course to SUL?"
Pilot: "More or less."
Controller: "So proceed a little bit more to SUL."

Pilot: "Good morning, Frankfurt ground, KLM 242 request start up and push back, please."
Tower: "KLM 242 expect start up in two hours."
Pilot: "Please confirm: two hours delay?"
Tower: "Affirmative."
Pilot: "In that case, cancel the good morning!"

Female teminal controller to a male pilot after a lengthy request: "Last time I gave a pilot everything he wanted, I was on antibiotics for three weeks."

Unknown Aircraft: "I'm f...ing bored!".
Air Traffic Control: "Last aircraft transmitting, identify yourself immediately!!"
Unknown Aircraft: "I said I was bored, not stupid!"

Controller: "FAR1234 confirm your type of aircraft. Are you an Airbus 330 or 340?"
Pilot: "A340 of course!"
Controller: "Then would you mind switching on the two other engines and give me a 1000 feet per minute, please?"

Some People Just Never Listen
ATC to Flight 123: "Slow to 300 knots please." After several moments, it was apparent the crew had not complied with the first speed reduction and was overtaking the inbound plane ahead of them.
ATC to Flight 123: "Slow to 280 knots." This was soon followed by a request for 250 knots from ATC when the crew still had not slowed the airplane.
Finally, the now-frustrated controller ordered, "Gentlemen, the number is 250. Either slow to it or turn to it!"

how slow can you go?
It seems that it was a very busy day and a "good ol' boy" American (Texas-sounding) AF C-130 reserve pilot was in the instrument pattern for landing at Rhein-Main. The conversation went something like this...
Tower: "AF1733, You're on an eight mile final for 27R. You have a UH-1 three miles ahead of you on final; reduce speed to 130 knots."
AF1733: "Rog-O, Frankfurt. We're bringin' this big bird back to one-hundred and thirty knots fur ya."
Tower (a few minutes later): "AF33, helicopter traffic at 90 knots now one-and-a-half miles ahead of you; reduce speed further to 110 knots."
AF1733: "AF thirty-three reinin' this here bird back further to 110 knots"
Tower: "AF33, you are three miles to touchdown, helicopter traffic now one mile ahead of you; reduce speed to 90 knots"
AF1733 ( sounding a little miffed): "Sir, do you know what the stall speed of this here C-130 is?!"
Tower (without the slightest hesitation): "No, but if you ask your co-pilot, he can probably tell you."

[FCWhippingBoy]

Whilst assisting a controller on a sortie doing numerous PIs in the Valley Trg Area along the lines of ...

Pilot : "XXXX Identifies on black, low wing monoplane, RAF roundels ..... Aircraft manoeuvres aggresively!"
FC : "Hostile, engage!"
The pilot must have gotten bored or had a moment of clarity ...

Pilot : "XXXX Identifies one black, low wing monoplane, RAF roundels .... Aircraft manoeuvres SUGGESTIVELY!"
And they say it isn't complusory?!

[Talking Radalt]

During Saif Sareea following endex....
Wheezy Sea Queen is struggling back to Mum only to be spectacularly overtaken by a mighty Chinny (complete with two landrovers dangling underneath).
Ch to SK "Wanna lift? We've still got one hook free":}
SK to Ch....."Fcuking w@nker":hmm:
Ch to SK "That's 'fcuking w@nker, SIR":cool:
Well how were they to know OC18 was driving? :ok:

[Rev I. Tin]

He he he:E
Rev is chuckling.
Oh to have heard that one!

Bless Ch.

[parker]

Aircraft with clearance through East Midlands in the dim and distant ....
"Castledon Approach, G-XXX passing three miles east abeam at 4,000 feet"
ATC: "G-XXX you were cleared for three miles WEST abeam".
Short silence, then: "Your right - somebody's put my chair in back to front."

[Mmmmnice]

Heard in the Fatherland in the good old days of the Cold War, from a MAC a/c driven by someone who sounded like he had just taken the joint out of his mouth......
" Gutersloh Zone this is MAC blah blah. We're headed your way and looking for a letdown, request your latest weather"
On receiving the usual Gut Bowl sh*t, corruption, frogs locusts etc the reply was.....
" Hey that don't sound so good. Guess I'll go someplace else. G'day Sir"
A bemused controller then wasted several minutes trying to raise them again - ah Americans don't you love em!

[Junglie]

On a hot still morning,somewhere in the USA when they still flew airliners with DC in front of them. (told to me by the DC3 pilot):p

ATC:'American Airlines flight234' cleared for take off(DC10)
2 mins pass
ATC:'BOAC DC3' cleared for take off
DC3: There will be a short delay(Plummy British Accent)
ATC: What's the problem 'DC3'
DC3: I can't take off, as i can't see the runway due to the smoke from the departing DC10
DC10 pilot(quick as a flash in an american drawl): Well sonny when you're as big as me maybe you can smoke too.

[albatross]

In the olden Daze there was an airport in Northern Canada that had a required ceiling for takeoff. No special VFR allowed either.
One fine day the ceiling was 200ft with a vis of 20 miles plus.
Waiting patiently were 2 Nordair 737s, a small twin and a bunch of helicopters.
The Capt of one of the 737s was the Nordair chief pilot.
The pilot of the twin spent the morning talking up the NORDAIR CP as he had an application in to Nordair.
Finally the FSS operator filled up a balloon, started his stopwatch went outside and released the balloon - imagine our relief when he ( with much winking and nudging ) came out with a special with a ceiling of 500 ft.
The Nordair guys loaded their pax and started up.
The Helicopters got turning and burning.
Meanwhile the twin pilot fired up and taxied out first and departed.
The first 737 was just lining up when:
TwinXXX: ( in a most Capt Hero voice ): "LaGrande, C-GXXX, I just want to advise you that the ceiling on my departure was 200 ft!":8
FSS: (Sarcastically) " Thank you for that call XXX - all a/c be advised ceiling now reported as 200 FT!":{
Nordair YYY: " Nordair YYY returning to the terminal":mad:
Nordair ZZZ: "Nordair ZZZ shutting down":mad:
Helicopter: "C-FFSS Shutting down":mad:
Helicopter: "C-FIBT Shutting down":mad:
Nordair YYY: " C-GXXX - I don't know where you are going but I can advise you that YOU ARE DEFINITELY NOT GOING TO NORDAIR!!!":E

[BEagle]

This may be fiction, but 'tis what I was once told....

Back in the 1950s, one of Uncle Sam's finest had a less-than-fine moment in a B-36, pride of SAC, somewhere in England.

Crew is recovered from the sorry-looking Peacemaker and return to Ops where the aircraft commander is told there is a phone call for him:
"Is that Lieutenant ******?" growled a voice.
"No, this is Major ******", replied the AC, "Who am I speaking to?"
"I am General Curtiss LeMay and you, boy, are now Lieutenant ******! Get your sorry ass back stateside, effective immediate. CLICK"

[station workshops]

17th/21st Lancers on formal parade. Colonel inspecting the troopers from horseback. Horse lets rip from nether regions, splattering one trooper's best bulled boots with s**t.

Colonel looks down. "I'm terribly sorry about that."

"Oh that's all right sir," replies the trooper, eyes front with a deadpan face and only slightly gritted teeth, "I thought it was the horse."

(Old ones are the best)

[Fly Better!]

Whilst on approach into Cork:

Controller: Descend flight level 80.
Me: Descend 80
Controller: Heading 200, I will be descending you lower before you land.
Me: :confused:

[OBNO]

Aussie C130 inbound to USAF base early days of the F117.

USAF ATC " Aussie xxx you are No.2 to an F117 on a 10nm final report sighting."

Aussie C130 (quick as a flash) " Negative sighting, but we have him on radar"

No response from ATC!

[BEagle]

Back in the days when the Spams were still pretending that the stealth fighter didn't exist, we were trundling out to Hickalulu in our mighty FunBus.

Co-pilot for the trip had done the usual comprehensive pre-flight planning, consisting of getting some maps, the imprest and his suitcase. Not much else.

Approaching 'that bit of the US' he offered to get the weather, but hadn't really much idea of which bases to ask for. Having made contact with some PMSV operator he asked me which bases we needed...

"McLellan and Travis. Oh, and while you're at it, ask them for Tonopah and Groom Lake"

Needless to say we only got the first 2; the others were 'file not found'!

[albatross]

In the olden daze again - a Canadian carrier bought a Bristol Freighter.
It eventually trundled into the circuit at Dorval (CYUL.)
TWR: " ABC - say type of a/c"
ABC: " Bristol Freighter"
TWR: " What's that?"
ABC: " A large twin engined cargo a/c"
TWR: " OK, cleared to land, check gear down."
ABC: " Gear down and welded.";)
Our heros land and the TWR takes a good look at the a/c with his binoculars.
TWR: " ABC say again type."
ABC: " A Bristol Freighter. "
TWR: " Did you build it yourself????":eek:

[SASless]

Delta....Tower there is a dead deer on the right hand side of the runway about 1500 feet along the runway.

Tower...Eastern....look out for the dead deer please.

Eastern...Will do Tower...and will notify our catering department.



Or....

Heard on the JFK tower radio:

Twr: Cactus 51, turn right zulu and golf, hold behind the plane that's stopped to recycle.

Cactus 51: Cactus 51 we'll make the right zulu and golf, behind the recycled airplane ... whatever that means.

Trw: C'mon Cactus, you guys should know what that means, you fly Airbus' -- it's when the screens go blank and you have to restart them all.

Cactus 51: Oh, yeah, we know about that. We just thought it was 'cause we were out of quarters.

[Tombstone]

Fast Mover, last March.

I'm standing with the FACs, watching them blow large holes in the ground when 4 A10s check in:

"Hello Bruiser 41 flight, this is Sabre 11 requesting CAS etc etc... we are under heavy fire from a crowd 1 km to our west"

"Roger sir, we're overhead at 15k and will be with you in 10 mins"

Sabre11 "Negative, we require immediate support. We are being outgunned and are taking casualties, request you run in now, I'm releasing smoke on my location, enemy 1km West on top of hill etc etc over"

Bruiser 41 "Roger sir, we'll be ready to run in in 10 mins"

Sabre 41 "10 mins. 10 F**king mins!!! I could walk over there and throw a grenade at the w*nkers in that time, F**king hurry up!"

Absolute silence on the net before the A10s rolled in and to be fair, dropped the bombs almost on top of one another.

[16 blades]

Allegedly heard at Warton, early 90's. A USAF F15 breaks into the visual circuit, totally unannounced.

USAF F15: "Tower, Bud 11 commin' atcha"

TWR:"Er...roger, Bud 11.....will this be to roll?"

USAF F15: "HELL no, sir......outta gas"

??????

16B

[eagle 86]

B4 transiting cross-country during the South-East Asian War Games '62-'75 it was necessary to obtain an artillery clearance, normally given as departing a grid location and impacting in a grid location along with a max altitude. B52 bombing sorties were described as "Heavy Artillery" and only the impact grid was given. Newly arrived Crab S/L requested origin of "Heavy artillery" and after significant pause came the one word reply "Guam!".
GAGS
E86

[RolyFirkinQC]

A very good friend of mine is a paramedic on the Air Ambulance.A few years ago the service had the Balkow Helicopter which is German made.

While on a shout one day, they passed nearby to an airshow.

Tower: Helimed 01alpha, be advised a Spitfire has just departed and will be passing left to right 2 miles.

Captains reply: Roger, for christs sake don't tell him we're a Meserschmitt!

[antipodean alligator]

Early 90's , C-130E on descent in to Tullamarine INTL having picked up 60 odd stinking Army Reserve Grunts from a dirt strip....Loadmaster comes up onto the flight deck, plugs into the IP lead and begins his Rant:

"F***king skinking B**tard Grunts, I can't stand it back there any longer..."

Melbourne Approach Controller: "Trojan 026, I take it you have army passengers"

Loady, being a good sort, realises he's screwed the pooch, turns the rotary selector from VHF to INT, grabs his coat & returns aft of the 245!!

[Northern Circuit]

from Buchan's line book in the 80's -

AAF taking place in 809 canberra towing a banner -

The usual R/T banter

'Clear Cine'

'In Cine'.....etc

'Clear Hot'

'In Hot'

pause


STOP STOP STOP - Dont shoot at me you c**t


think it was a jag

[cazatou]

The R/T message I always remember was addressed to me by Dublin Centre in early 1982 as we were inbound to the Irish Air Corps base Casement.

"Ascot XXXX, contact Irish Military on 120.0 - GOOD LUCK!!"

[petitfromage]

Hong Kong Approach:

Air India: "I am going to be changing to the Tower now"

ATC (Aussie accent): "No, no mate, stay here with me, Im going to root you around a bit longer"

ATC: "Dragon xxx, turn right heading 340"

Dragonair: "Roger, you arent going to root me too are you?"

* Thankfully he was spent by the time we got our vectors!

[stiknruda]

Cazatou's post reminded me of a similar exchange last year:

Lead: Casement, xxx formation on handover from Dublin, three ship out of Weston for Collumbuoghlue, 1200'

ATC: Squawk nnnn

Lead: Negative parrot

ATC: What not one bitwe'en tha three a ya's

Lead:'Fraid not

ATC: Cleared, God Bless ya's and Good Luck!

[R. Ramjet]

At LHR
BA is holding short for departure, Virgin is holding short as nr 2

Virgin: Tower could you ask BA if we could depart as nr 1, we have a tight slot..
BA: Of course, we'll do anything for a virgin with a tight slot.