Line Books

[tablet_eraser]

Seeing the Ribald Comments on CRs (http://http://www.pprune.org/forums/showthread.php?t=206968) thread, I wonder whether anyone would care to share comments from line books around the Service(s)?

Some from the bunker-dwellers, all from memory since the Line Books have long since vanished (names changed to spare embarassment):

After reversing her car into a large lamp-post, Sarah was asked why she didn't notice it. She replied, "Oh, I was distracted by thoughts..." :ooh:

John: "What's a 0040 squawk?"
Instructor: "That's a North Sea helicopter, John."
John: "Oh. What's it doing there?"
Instructor: "That's the North Sea, John."

After a PI that went awry (F3 "intercepts" HMS ILLUSTRIOUS): "Buchan, RAZOR... your BANDIT's a boat."

XO: "You said the consoles aren't serviceable. Why's that?"
Briefer: "Because they're f**ked, Sir."

Instructor: "What indications are there that an aircraft is having an emergency?"
Mike: "Will it be in the flight plan?"
Instructor: "Ask yourself, Mike, whether the captain of an aircraft will file in his flight plan that he intends to crash his plane in the middle of the North Sea?"

[Professor Plum]

In the circuit practising circuits, and after a few rollers:

Stude: "(callsign), Downwind to....errr.....ummmm.....can you ask my instructor!?"

[PPRuNeUser0211]

Someone at ULAS please look out the "Crazy's Comments" page at the back of their line book....

[Professor Plum]

Someone at ULAS please look out the "Crazy's Comments" page at the back of their line book....

I agree!!

Legendary stuff. It's also in the back of the most recent ULAS yearbook.

[southside]

I wonder whether anyone would care to share comments from line books around the Service(s)?Line book...? whats a line book???? there are no linebooks here.

[LateArmLive]

Southside
That doesn't surprise me one bit, I don't think the Cadets have them.

[southside]

Oh they do. My son is in the Cadets and his unit has a line book. As an aside, back in 1976 my first line book entry discussed the merits of a pilot who ditched his aircraft because he understood it to be on fire........t'was actually the anti-col, illuminating against the clouds.

[Aynayda Pizaqvick]

Cracker from ATC to one of the guys at linton...
Stude: "LOPXX request join to carry out circuit with simulated radio failure"
ATC: "Roger, confirm this is only a simulated radio failure"

Ahh?? What do you think?

[tonkatechie]

Tonkatechie: "Good start, RCOV to 'Eng' Sir"
Italian exchange pilot: "Okaay Chief, clear walk-round and chocks out!"
Tonkatechie: "Would Sir care to start the other engine before attempting take-off?":rolleyes:

Different occasion, crew-in snag...

Instructor: "Hi Chief, had an ECS caption that wouldn't clear after 3 attempts, but managed to get rid of it when we shut the canopy - any thoughts on that?"
Tonkatechie: (P:mad:g myself laughing)"That's kind of how the system works - otherwise it's a bit hard to cool the whole world!!"
Instructor: "Aah, I'll just make a note of that [writes on kneepad] - I am a :mad: "
Tonkatechie: "Have a nice trip!"

Not strictly 'lines' I suppose, that would go to my sneck today:

"Hurry up and shove that in your mouth Cpl, and come with me!"
I hope he was talking about my sandwich....:eek:

[pr00ne]

228 OCU crew room late sixties/early seventies;


Several old and hairies looking through logbooks


Duncan G********: What about my 601 Chipmunk hours then?

Robert W******: Have some difficulty getting through flying training Duncan?

[tablet_eraser]

Some more!

During Sim phase at School of Fighter Control, Tom sees an emergency indication and calls "D&D":

Tom: "Hi, it's Boulmer, any details on the 7700 over the Thames Estuary?"
D&D: "Yeah, it's SPEEDBIRD 162 with a birdstrike."
Tom: "Umm... it's at FL360."
D&D: "Yes...?"
Tom: "A birdstrike at 36,000ft?"
D&D: (laughter in background) "Umm... yes. It was a superbird."


Not strictly a "line", but this had me creased last week while monitoring VHF guard:

Idiot (Britannia pilot): "Hallo, we're now cruising at 20,000ft over Paris, soon I'll be descending as we approach the coast. The time in Bournemouth is 1655, so please do adjust your watches. Weather... it's a little cloudy, not too cold, and should brighten up nicely tomorrow for you."
BA Pilot: (In charming, refined voice) "Hmm, what a lovely little speech!"

[Data-Lynx]

Tablet - try one on the ground. In the early 70s at Culdrose, a Wessex was being tractored backwards along a taxiway just at dawn on a cold winter morning. The ATC MT driver was heading in the other direction in a pusser's tilly (Bedford Utilicon van) and was 'probably' speeding. The driver missed the tractor and safety number but hit the port oleo which sheared off. 5 tons of Wessex fell over, neatly flicking the tilly sideways rather like a shoved halfpenny. The driver crawled out of the wreaked vehicle, burst into tears and was heard to say: I've laddered me tights. The station Warrant (Fleet Chief) engineer registered the accident as a birdstrike.

[Inspector Dreyfuss]

West Drayton SFC mid 80s.
Female stude to instructor in ops room very loudly during debrief,
'How can you tell me I failed that sortie? You said you loved me last night!'

[Zoom]

Heard in the USA many years ago:

Fighter Jock: XXX Approach, FJ at Point Alpha for recovery.
Approach: Roger, FJ, you are number 17 in line behind 16 heavies.
FJ: Errr, in that case I am declaring a fuel emergency.
Approach: Roger, you are now number 1.
FJ: Ahh, good, in that case I'm cancelling my fuel emergency.
Approach: Roger, you are now number 17 in line behind 16 heavies.
After a very long silence -
FJ (very quietly): XXX Approach, FJ declaring a fuel emergency.

I didn't wait for any more.

[ORAC]

Female Stude at West Drayton doing morning Met brief with synoptic displayed: "And you can see how the strong winds have pushed all the lines together".

Same stude during lecture on planar array radars: "What does the R stand for in Plane-R array?"
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43 Sqn phantom during sortie asks for wingman to give him a visual inspection as his centreline isn´t feeding. Short time later, wingman tells him, "You haven´t got a centreline tank". Pause, "Bugger, I signed for one.."
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43 Sqn: Researcher at Air Historic phones 43 Sqn to check some details of Sqn during BoB.

Shag: "Morning, Flt Lt ......."
Caller: "Morning, ......., can you tell me, was 43 Sqn airborne over ...... on 12 Sept 1940?
Shag, after cautious pause: "Is this a low flying complaint?"........

[Mzee]

Data Lynx
Remember that one, got the phots somewhere - made the subject of a 'how not to' in 'Flight Deck'.

[flipster]

Pre-solo stude in crewroom - ULAS, c1980s

"We park the aircraft on a pan, right?"

"yup"

"So what is a practice pan for?"

giggle!

[TimL]

This is probably an old chestnut, but here it is anyway. OC Arm Eng Sqn paid a surprise visit to XV Sqn during a Minival to find a Buccaneer being loaded with live 1000 pounders inside the hangar.

OCAES: "You know you can't do that in here, it's completely against the rules. If those bombs went off, you wouldn't have a leg to stand on."

[charliegolf]

230 Sqn crewroom, 1984 ish. Crewman to first tourist officer with shiny new rep for being a bit 'silly'.

"Flt Lt W***s Sir,wos your first name?"

"Rick"

"Would that be a silent 'P' then?"

CG

[InTgreen]

One for the rotary world...... On a student at Shawbury's first hover trip (he was doing quite well!!) the instructor asked the stude to 'turn the aircraft around the tail, while travelling along the taxi way centerline.' Incredulous stude was heard to reply, 'Sir!, Its a cyclic stick, not a fu$£^ng MAGIC WAND!!!!'...... much to the amusement of his stick-buddy sitting behind.......:ok:

[Blodwyn Pig]

a few years ago at 4FTS a hawk with a student driving it burst a tyre on landing, and got seriously out of shape, driver decides he'd rather be somewhere else, and abandons ship (very narrowly missing the tower!), the aircraft carries merrily on its way, shedding various bits,and catching fire, across the VAS pan, and heads towards CFS, a sharply observant QFI is heard to say "he's taxiing a bit fast" as the now blazing wreckage wizzes past the crewroom window!

[ACW599]

Possibly apocryphal (and the reference dates me) but there's the story of the solo JP aeros display at a graduation somewhere. Something went seriously wrong with the exit from a barrel roll and the JP smacked down on the threshold and skidded along the runway shedding bits of itself before grinding to a halt. As the aviator made a hasty exit, the watching AOC is supposed to have turned round to the Staish and remarked "I bet he drinks Carling Black Label".

[ACW418]

Whilst on Vulcans during those long days and nights on QRA in the mid 60's (TV was not on all day then) I got to reading the IX Sqn line book. Two items stood out from WWII. IX were at Bardney then and the line was from a disgruntled Nav "Bad landing! We bounced so high we got a green from Waddington" and the other was in the same style "Flak! It was so bad over the Ruhr last night that my hat has faded"

ACW

Re-reading this I think the line probably went "Flak! The searchlights were so bad over the Ruhr last night that my hat has faded"

[El-Dog]

Tonkatechie: "Good start, RCOV to 'Eng' Sir"
Italian exchange pilot: "Okaay Chief, clear walk-round and chocks out!"
Tonkatechie: "Would Sir care to start the other engine before attempting take-off?"
Forgetting an engine is perhaps understandable if not unforgiveable; but I recall having to remind a helicopter P1 that it was preferable to engage the rotors before asking for take off clearance!!
You know who you are!!

[ACW418]

Ahh! Trying to taxi before starting the engine was my biggest cock up at Syerston in 1963. In fairness we had an instructor who was known as Screaming Lord H******ton who was the nicest guy on the ground but who became rather difficult to live with once the canopy was closed. Nothing I had done since strapping in was right and in my confusion I waved the chocks away before starting the engine - sodding linie removed them too. Cue noisy instructor with "Theres something wrong, can't you hear it blah blah" Had to agree with him but didn't twig what it was until he told me. A very miserable ACW did an hour long sortie of shame. At least I didn't hand control back to said instructor and refuse to fly with him ever again as one of my colleagues (now dead) did.

ACW

[L Peacock]

Almost went into anal mode to point out to Tonkatechie that even with the canopy up, you shouldn't get an ECS warning. That would have spoilt the story though, so I won't.

[OCCWMF]

During a black flag day at Linton someone reading a magazine said to BobViking - "says here girls have better peripheral vision than blokes"

BV - "How come so many of them get raped then?" :oh: :\

[engineer(retard)]

Girls peripheral vision and multi-tasking abilities come from being able to simaltaneously place both feet in the ankle straps in a VW beetle.:\

[Mystic Greg]

Going back to West Drayton stories, here is one from the late '80s (although I can't remember the real callsign we used there):

Student: "Triplex formation, thanks for your trade, clear on route, pigeons Coningsby 260, 50 miles"
Instructor: "Now Bloggs, we don't give pigeons direct to Coningsby do we?"
Student: "Oh no, it should be Point Foxtrot shouldn't it?"
Instructor: "Well tell them where it is then."
Student: "Triplex from Drayton, Point Foxtrot is 5310 North, 00020 East."

[The Rocket]

Forgetting an engine is perhaps understandable if not unforgiveable

But forgetting the major part of your pre flight checks that come between the #2 and #1 engine start on Tornado, would be neither unforgiveable nor understandable:rolleyes:

L Peacock,
How unlike you to be anal:rolleyes: :rolleyes:

[A2QFI]

In the days when the OCU was run by "Dr Death" a student remarked that the only place he could be worse off was in prison; some else pointed out that at least in prison one can talk to the warders!

At some point in time the courses were designated GA (Ground Attack) or AD (Air Defence). Somebody was filling in a summary or doing the 540 and asked if anybody could remember 7AD. It was suggested that Arthur Vine could remember 7BC!

On AOC's one year uor US Marine exchange major turned up with ALL his medals. One nav said to another "Look out, here comes Magnetic North!"

[artyhug]

Leuchars a few years ago when we still had the balls to call the annual reception the BofB Cocktail Party.

In the crewroom during the standard interminable wait for on liners our US exchange officer inquires as to the timings that evening.

Receives the reply,

Well for us it's half seven for eight but I believe you boys are supposed to pitch up half way through.....;)

[tonkatechie]

Almost went into anal mode to point out to Tonkatechie that even with the canopy up, you shouldn't get an ECS warning. That would have spoilt the story though, so I won't.

Humble apologies, it should have read that he had no flow (I was topping up my Stella levels when I wrote the post), which is obviously a result of the open canopy. Thank you for not getting anal - it's just a laugh after all!

[L Peacock]

Rocket, Tonkatechie

I can't help myself. It's a character flaw.
The doc says I'm getting better every day though.
Baby steps.:ok:

[Mead Pusher]

I remember having dinner at Honington whilst hosting a group of visiting German Luftwaffe Infanterie officers. Everyone was good spirited and the dinner was a little boisterous at the junior end. A senior officer made some attempt to quieten things down, at which point one of the German officers made the mistake of saying "We didn't start it!".

There was a slight pause before one Regiment officer couldn't stand it any longer and said "Yes you did, you invaded Poland!" Luckily we'd given the visitors enough warm beer by then for them to see the funny side!

[Farmer 1]

Army Sergeants' mess, somewhere in Germany.

The mess was in a local football league, and had drawn their match with the local police. The replay also ended in a draw, and the Germans were invited to a dinner at the mess.

A good time was being had by all, when the police boss got up to make a little speech. "Ve haf played you English two times at your national sport, von time at home, und von time avay, und each time ve haf had a draw. Ve tink zat ve haf done fery vell."

The RSM stood up to reply. I don't think I mentioned it, but the RSM was Polish, and for some reason or other did not like Germans.

"So what? We've played you lot at your national sport - twice - both times away - and both times we won."

End of beautiful evening. No more matches against the local plods.

[tablet_eraser]

Last year during workup for CAPEVAL with an "Ever Alert" unit, the Regt Cpl who was instructing us had been liberally taking the pi$$ out of the USMC exchange officer.

While discussing the effects of nerve agent poisoning: "At this point, you're going to be falling over, and you'll be sweating like... umm.... like an American in a world history lesson!"

Priceless...

[ORAC]

Leuchars a few years ago when we still had the balls to call the annual reception the BofB Cocktail Party.

Hmm, (West Drayton?) as the new German exchange officer entered the mess for his first BoB cocktail party, the WO mess manager leaned forward and said, in an avuncular manner, "Good evening sir, losers on the right"....

[Red Line Entry]

Flipster - you took me back 20 years - I was there when he said it!

[RubiC Cube]

Back in the 70s at ISK hosting a German crew form Nordholz -scene at party in AEO's MQ:

AEO to 7 yo son, who is mad keen on war games, and prior to arrival of guests " Off to bed now and don't mention the war"

After arrival of guests, 7 yo voice from top of stairs "Dad, have the Krauts arrived yet"

[Paddy O'doors]

NMMCC High Wycombe 2001

Noisy Ops room full of Multi national aircrew officers Couple of Brits and an Ops Cpl

German Officer, top of his voice " I am bored!"

Ops Cpl without looking up from his game of freecell "Last time a German was bored he invaded Poland"

Cue silence!!