SASless
13th Jul 2005, 00:10
This email apparently originated from a young kid who sent it to AETC
(Air Education and Training Command) wanting to know how to prepare
himself for a future career as a fighter jock. Can you imagine?
-------------------------
To LtCol Van Wickler:
Sir, I am DJ Baker and I would appreciate it if you could tell me what
it takes to be an F16 fighter pilot of the USAF. What
classes should I take in high school to help the career I want to take
later in my life? What could I do to get in the academy?
Sincerely, DJ Baker
-------------------------
From: VanWickler Kenneth, Lt Col, HQ AETC
Anybody want to help this poor kid from Cyberspace?
"Vee Dub"
>--------------------------
A worldly and jaded C130 Pilot, Maj Hunter Mills rose to the task!!
Dear DJ,
Obviously, through no fault of your own, your young, impressionable
brain has been poisoned by the superfluous, hyped-up, "Top Gun" media
portrayal of fighter pilots. Unfortunately, this portrayal could not
be further from the truth. In my experience, I've found most fighter
pilots pompous, back-stabbing, momma's boys with inferiority
complexes, as well as being extremely
over-rated aeronautically. However, rather than dash your budding
dreams of becoming an USAF pilot, I offer the following alternative:
What you REALLY want to aspire to is the exiting, challenging, and
rewarding world of TACTICAL AIRLIFT. And this, young DJ, means one
thing....the venerable, workhorse, THE C-130!
I can guarantee no fighter pilot can brag that he has led a 12-ship
formation down a valley at 300 ft above the ground, while trying to
interpret a 9-line to a new DZ, avoiding pop-up threats, and
coordinating with AWACS, all while eating a box lunch, with the
engineer in the back taking a piss and the navigator puking in his
trash can! I tell you, DJ, TAC Airlift is where it's at!
Where else is it legal to throw tanks, HMMWVs, and other crap out the
back of an airplane, and not even worry about it when the chute
doesn't open and it torpedoes the General's staff car! No where else
can you land on a 3000' dirt strip, kick a bunch of ammo and stuff off
the ramp without even stopping, then take off again before range
control can call to tell you you've landed on the wrong LZ!
And talk about exotic travel! When C-130s go somewhere, they GO
somewhere (usually for 3 months, unfortunately). This gives you the
opportunity to immerse yourself in the local culture enough to give
any locals a bad taste in their mouths re: the USAF and Americans in
general, not something those fighter jocks pilots can do from their
airport hotel rooms!
As far as recommendations for your course of study, I offer these:
Take a lot of math courses. You will need all the advanced math skills
you can muster to enable you to calculate per diem rates around the
world, when trying to split up the crew's bar tab so that the co-pilot
really believes he owes 85% of the whole thing and the nav believing
he owes the other 20%.
Health sciences are important, too. You will need a thorough knowledge
of biology to make those educated guesses of how much longer you can
drink beer before a tremendous case of the ****s catches up to you
from that meal you ate at that place that had the belly dancers in
some God-forsaken foreign country whose name you can't even pronounce!
Social studies are also beneficial. It is important for a good TAC
Airlifter to have the cultural knowledge to be able to ascertain the
exact location of the nearest titty bar in any country in the world so
you'll be able to convince the local authorities to release the
Loadmaster after he offends every sensibility of the local religion
and culture in the bar.
(Air Education and Training Command) wanting to know how to prepare
himself for a future career as a fighter jock. Can you imagine?
-------------------------
To LtCol Van Wickler:
Sir, I am DJ Baker and I would appreciate it if you could tell me what
it takes to be an F16 fighter pilot of the USAF. What
classes should I take in high school to help the career I want to take
later in my life? What could I do to get in the academy?
Sincerely, DJ Baker
-------------------------
From: VanWickler Kenneth, Lt Col, HQ AETC
Anybody want to help this poor kid from Cyberspace?
"Vee Dub"
>--------------------------
A worldly and jaded C130 Pilot, Maj Hunter Mills rose to the task!!
Dear DJ,
Obviously, through no fault of your own, your young, impressionable
brain has been poisoned by the superfluous, hyped-up, "Top Gun" media
portrayal of fighter pilots. Unfortunately, this portrayal could not
be further from the truth. In my experience, I've found most fighter
pilots pompous, back-stabbing, momma's boys with inferiority
complexes, as well as being extremely
over-rated aeronautically. However, rather than dash your budding
dreams of becoming an USAF pilot, I offer the following alternative:
What you REALLY want to aspire to is the exiting, challenging, and
rewarding world of TACTICAL AIRLIFT. And this, young DJ, means one
thing....the venerable, workhorse, THE C-130!
I can guarantee no fighter pilot can brag that he has led a 12-ship
formation down a valley at 300 ft above the ground, while trying to
interpret a 9-line to a new DZ, avoiding pop-up threats, and
coordinating with AWACS, all while eating a box lunch, with the
engineer in the back taking a piss and the navigator puking in his
trash can! I tell you, DJ, TAC Airlift is where it's at!
Where else is it legal to throw tanks, HMMWVs, and other crap out the
back of an airplane, and not even worry about it when the chute
doesn't open and it torpedoes the General's staff car! No where else
can you land on a 3000' dirt strip, kick a bunch of ammo and stuff off
the ramp without even stopping, then take off again before range
control can call to tell you you've landed on the wrong LZ!
And talk about exotic travel! When C-130s go somewhere, they GO
somewhere (usually for 3 months, unfortunately). This gives you the
opportunity to immerse yourself in the local culture enough to give
any locals a bad taste in their mouths re: the USAF and Americans in
general, not something those fighter jocks pilots can do from their
airport hotel rooms!
As far as recommendations for your course of study, I offer these:
Take a lot of math courses. You will need all the advanced math skills
you can muster to enable you to calculate per diem rates around the
world, when trying to split up the crew's bar tab so that the co-pilot
really believes he owes 85% of the whole thing and the nav believing
he owes the other 20%.
Health sciences are important, too. You will need a thorough knowledge
of biology to make those educated guesses of how much longer you can
drink beer before a tremendous case of the ****s catches up to you
from that meal you ate at that place that had the belly dancers in
some God-forsaken foreign country whose name you can't even pronounce!
Social studies are also beneficial. It is important for a good TAC
Airlifter to have the cultural knowledge to be able to ascertain the
exact location of the nearest titty bar in any country in the world so
you'll be able to convince the local authorities to release the
Loadmaster after he offends every sensibility of the local religion
and culture in the bar.