Read this one a year or two ago...but age has not dimmed its effect.

With the ashes series soon to begin..this is quite topical......

Ed O'Brandis (a zimbabwe cricketer) walks to the crease to replace a teamate who has just been dismissed by no one other than Shane Warne...

Warne says.."Jeez Ed youv'e put on a bit of weight since I saw you last..."

O'Brandis replies..."Thats cos everytime I F*** you missus warnie...she gives me a biscuit!"



Further put-downs greatly appreciated...

maybe he is confusing himself with the family's Alsation

:ugh:

That would be Edo Brandis.

Good bloke....:ok:

Thanks Mr twotter...Im suitably impressed...mayby I should have added the disclaimer..

"the names have been changed to protect the innocent":}

Heard in the days when female personel didn't have the option of the courts.

"Ooh just like a penis - only smaller."

.........................:O

Atlanta, Ga. Lad of the village discusses terms with lady of the evening. Tells her: Na, too much.

Departs down street.

Voice follows: "Y'all go to He' yo whaht boy, wid yo liddle pencil peter".

Well said Ford Fairlane........:rolleyes:

A great put down is....


"you appear to have an inferiority complex....... and a rather poor one at that !"

:}

Churchill come across a Labour MP fumbling in his pockets outside a public phone box.

"Ah Mr Churchill, could you lend me thrupence to phone a friend?"

"Certainly, heres sixpence, phone all of them"

:rolleyes:

Winston Churchill would appear to be the master of the put-down.
Especially when engaged in debate with his sparring partner, Lady Astor.

"Sir, you are drunk!"

"Madam, you are ugly, but in the morning I shall be sober!"

"You suck more than Plazbot"

"Were you born that stupid - or did you go to a special school?"

"You're so ugly that when you enter a room the flowers go out"

Or

"You're so fat that when you go out the tide comes in"

Pedantic mode on

Actually, it's Eddo Brandes.

Pedantic mode off

'Ow was it?

To tell you the truth darlin', I had better sex when I was in prison...

I was suitabily amussed by some leaked (or so they say) Army officer assessment reports. One in particular:

"His men will follow him anywhere. If only out of curiosity."

Lady Astor:
"Sir, if you were my husband, I would put poison in your coffee"

Winston:
"And if you were my wife, I would drink it."

See Job 8:2 King James version.

After an excellent landing you can use the airplane again!

Angry husband to Groucho Marks,.

"You swine I just saw you kissing my wife"

Groucho

"No I wasn't, I was just whispering something in her mouth"

:cool:

"Is it in?" can be pretty off-puting

Not that I've heard it myself

Not as bad as " Are you done yet?"

Winston was a master at the put down.

Mr Lewis (Labour): "Is the Prime Minister aware of the deep concern felt by the people of this country at the whole question of the Korean conflict ?"

The Prime Minister: " I am fully aware of the deep concern felt by the Hon. member in many matters above his comprehension."

Years ago, I got into a childish battle with another driver where two lanes merged into one. Heavy, very slow-moving traffic in central London, we got closer and closer until our cars were almost touching, but neither giving way.
Me (driving a mini): "It's going to cost you more than it's going to cost me."
He (driving a Ferrari): "Yes, but I can afford it."
Credit where it's due. All I could do was laugh at his superb put-down, and wave him ahead of me.

Whilst walking a beat as a uniform police officer and assigned to the "Square" beat.....the main downtown intersection...the beat which consisted of four corners and the manhole cover in the center of the intersection...became a most boring place at on the midnight shift. The two inter-city bus stations were just down the street and the area had a fair number of walking drunks to contend with.

One night...up strolls a plainly intoxicated fellow...and by looking at him he appeared to be a bus passenger killing time. He immediately assumed to prevent being done for being a drunk by striking up a conversation. (Me thinking...please Lord...take this evil man away.) He forgets himself and begins to describe my fair city as being the "anal orifice of the world" (or words similar to that but not acceptable here). After a dozen choruses of that....I looked over at him and politely inquired...."Passing through are you?" He later got kicked through the goalposts of life on his way to the jail for overnight accomodation courtesy of the taxpayers.

Flying Lawyer, you may be interested in the very finest put down, albeit indirect and literary, I have ever seen. In "Easing The Passing", the late Lord Justice Devlin refers to the late Lord Chief Justice Hewart:

"[Hewart] has been called the worst chief justice since Scroggs and Jeffreys in the seventeenth century. I do not think that this is quite fair. When one considers the enormous improvement in judicial standards between the seventeenth and twentieth centuries, I should say that, comparatively speaking, he was the worst chief justice ever."

Oh to be able to write with such venom!

Until fairly recently I worked with a chappie I get on very well with. (Ex-everything; 23000 hrs+; forgotton more than I ever learnt type-of-guy) Now, when I feel comfortable around somebody I tend to indulge in a bit of baiting, tends to lighten the atmosphere. Well, said fellow rarely said much to my sniggering little jibes and jokes, until one day when I had a go at him about the 2 gold buttons on his uniform coat (mine, due to some secretary's oversight, where plain blue) : "Hey, what's with the gold buttons? Want a cap, or a sash, maybe? snortsnort,giggle..."

Says he, majestically: "Well, you get one per 10 000 hours..."

:\

Young American paratrooper and avid sky diver to his Sargeant Major....."I got 350 jumps SarntMajor....how many you got?" SgtMaj replies...."Five......Sicily, Normandy, Holland, The Rhine, and Corregidor."

When the RAF was about to cut back to 52,000 people a few years back, I was on a visit to 3 Division (UK Army) on exercise in the field. The briefing started with:
"3 Division consists of aproximately 26,000 people, which is half the size of the RAF. We run it from a tent!"

Of course if somebody ever asks you,

"Can I ask a stupid question?"

Always answer,

"Better then anyone I know!"

"Can't you take a joke?"

"Can't you take an overdose?"

Another military one:

Bright eyed straight-out-of-Cranwell pilot officer arrives at his first squadron. Is met by aged, bemedalled, many-houred flight lieutenant.

FL: You're new here, aren't you?
PO: Yessir!
FL: Well don't f'ing forget it!

Thanks Davaar. I didn't know that one.
A couple of my favourite legal put-downs. The barrister in the first was the great advocate F E Smith (later Lord Birkenhead). I think the second was also Smith.

Judge: "I have listened very carefully to your submissions, Mr Smith, but I find myself none the wiser."
Counsel: "None the wiser, perhaps, my lord, but far better informed."
---------
Judge: "What do you suppose that I am on the Bench for, Mr Smith?"
Counsel: "It is not for me to attempt to fathom the inscrutable workings of Providence."

One I witnessed ...
Many years ago I was prosecuting a case defended by a senior, not very good, and incredibly pompous barrister who, in professional terms, had to be 'watched' very closely. I'd objected to him asking a question which was manifestly improper. The judge was a very quiet calm man, never rattled by anything.

Counsel: "Your Honour, m'learned friend's objection is absolutely preposterous! In all my years at the Bar, no-one has ever suggested I'm not entitled to ask such a question."
Judge: "I find that rather surprising Mr X, but be that as it may, they have now."
Counsel (blustering, trying to avoid the point): "Your Honour. M'learned friend is suggesting the question is improper."
Judge: "Yes, he is."
Counsel (huffing and puffing): "In all my years at the Bar, appearing in courts all over the land, no-one has ever suggested I've done something improper."
Judge: "Well, Mr X, that's a claim you won't be able to make again."

Gentleman: "I walked right past your house the other day"

Oscar Wilde: "Thank you so much"

Gladstone: "You, Sir, will either be shot for treason, or die of a grievous disease!"

Disraeli: "That depends, Sir, on whether I embrace your morals or your mistress!"

Not a great put down but he was a wonderful target:

The police used to prosecute traffic offences back in the dark ages. Inspector Birch soon to be Chief Constable of Sussex was in court when I was acquitted of a parking offence. He started to bluster and the bench said "Mr Birch, you must think that we are as stupid as you look, case dismissed!"

Unfortunately I sniggered and lost my driving licence within six months. He was a vindictive man.
:{

I think this (http://www.pprune.org/forums/showthread.php?s=&threadid=178626) has got to be the best put down I've seen recently.

More of a 'take down'.

A fellow ATC with a fine line in self-deprecation used to quote from an assessment which stated, under the heading of Confidence:

"K** displays a high degree of confidence, which is in no way justified by his performance. ":uhoh:

Directed towrd a man.......


"Hey, that's a nice shirt. Does it come in men's?"

And vica versa toward a women.:

One of my senior colleagues, a rather combative lady, was getting het up in an interdepartmental meeting, which was taking place just before she went on holiday.
She: “Well, if that’s what you want to do, go ahead and do it. I don’t care because by then I will be with the crocodiles on the Nile”
Me: “Have the crocodiles been warned?”

One I remember my father telling me and still has me in stitches today.

Again it envolved Winston Churchill but unfortunately I can't remember the recipient's name but she was female

Female "Sir you are drunk!!"

Winston " Madame, you are ugly but in the morning I will be sober"

Absolutely love it............

:p

TnT

I wonder if we're going to hear that old chestnut on every page of this thread?

Or the story about the junior minister who approached Winston saying, "sir, sir, your flies are undone"

To which Winston replied "Don't worry son, a dead bird doesn't leave it's nest"

Binoculars

I wonder if we're going to hear that old chestnut on every page of this thread

Opps blond moment sorry, Just shows I did not read page one of the thread properly :(

I will take the punishment like a lady

TnT :p

...or a fellow being accused of having an affair with a married woman...replied to his accuser...." Well, I reckon a slice off a cut loaf is never missed!"

Two more from WSC - not yet on this thread!!

#1 A disliked opponent of Winnie had made a bit of fool of himself in Parliament - someone commented to WSC:

"That man is his own worst enemy"
"Not while I'm alive he's not!

and #2 An overconfident young MP leaves the Chamber after a stunningly successul speech. WSC:

"There but for the grace of God ..... goes God!"

"Nothing has more retarded the advancement of learning than the disposition of vulgar minds to ridicule and vilify what they cannot comprehend. - Samuel Johnson: Rambler #117

"A graceful taunt is worth a thousand insults." - Louis Nizer (1902 - 1994) English lawyer

"Fine words! I wonder where you stole them." - Jonathon Swift

"What's on your mind? If you'll forgive the overstatement." - Fred Allen

"You have all the characteristics of a popular politician: a horrible voice, bad breeding, and a vulgar manner." - Aristophanes

"The Gods too are fond of a joke." - Aristotle

"She was a large woman who seemed not so much dressed as upholstered." - James Matthew Barrie

"Why are we honoring this man? Have we run out of human beings?" - Milton Berle

"I feel so miserable without you, it's almost like having you here." - Stephen Bishop

"He is a self-made man & worships his creator." - John Bright

"He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire." - Winston Churchill

"A modest little person, with much to be modest about." - Winston Churchill

"Atlee is a very modest man. And with reason." - Winston Churchill

"I may be drunk madame, but in the morning I will be sober, and you will be just as ugly." - Winston Churchill (when asked if he was drunk)

"I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial." - Irvin S. Cobb

"I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure." - Clarence Darrow

"She has been kissed as often as a police-court Bible, and by much the same class of people." - Robertson Davies

"He was distinguished for ignorance; for he had only one idea and that was wrong." - Benjamin Disraeli

"He was one of the nicest old ladies I ever met." - William Faulkner

"He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary." - William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway)

"He has sat on the fence so long that the iron has entered his soul." - David Lloyd George

"He has every attribute of a dog except loyalty." - Thomas P. Gore

"Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I'll waste no time reading it." - Moses Hadas

"Poor Faulkner. Does he really think big emotions come from big words?" - Ernest Hemingway (about William Faulkner)

"Nature not content with denying him the ability to think, has endowed him with the ability to write." - A.E. Housman

"His ears made him look like a taxicab with both doors open." - Howard Hughes (about Clark Gable)

"God was bored by him." - Victor Hugo

"He's a nice guy, but he played too much football with his helmet off." - Lyndon Baines Johnson (about Gerald Ford)

"He is not only dull himself, he is the cause of dullness in others." - Samuel Johnson

"He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up." - Paul Keating

"Her only flair is in her nostrils." - Pauline Kael

"He had delusions of adequacy." - Walter Kerr

"There's nothing wrong with you that reincarnation won't cure." - Jack E. Leonard

"I wish I'd known you when you were alive." - Leonard Louis Levinson

"He can compress the most words into the smallest idea of any man I know." - Abraham Lincoln

"His speeches left the impression of an army of pompous phrases moving over the landscape in search of an idea." - William McAdoo (about Warren Harding)

"You've got the brain of a four-year-old boy, and I bet he was glad to get rid of it." - Groucho Marx

"I never forget a face, but in your case I'll make an exception." - Groucho Marx

"From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it." - Groucho Marx

"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it." - Groucho Marx

"Don't be humble...you're not that great." - Golda Meir

"He is one of those people who would be enormously improved by death." - H. H. Munro

"It has been the political career of this man to begin with hypocrisy, proceed with arrogance, and finish with contempt." - Thomas Paine (about John Adams)

"A brain of feathers, and a heart of lead." - Alexander Pope

"A cherub's face, a reptile all the rest." - Alexanger Pope

"He has the attention span of a lightning bolt." - Robert Redford

"They never open their mouths without subtracting from the sum of human knowledge." - Thomas Brackett Reed

"He inherited some good instincts from his Quaker forebears, but by diligent hard work, he overcame them." - James Reston (about Richard Nixon)

"He never said a foolish thing nor never did a wise one." - Earl of Rochester

"He has no more backbone than a chocolate eclair." - Theodore Roosevelt

"A little emasculated mass of inanity." - Theodore Roosevelt (about Henry James)

"You're a good example of why some animals eat their young." - Jim Samuels

"The trouble with her is that she lacks the power of conversation, but not the power of speech." - George Bernard Shaw

"A woman whose face looked as if it had been made of sugar and someone had licked it." - George Bernard Shaw

"Gee, what a terrific party. Later on we'll get some fluid and embalm each other." - Neil Simon

"I regard you with an indifference bordering on aversion." - Robert Louis Stevenson

"In order to avoid being called a flirt, she always yielded easily." - Charles, Count Talleyrand

"He was as great as a man can be without morality." - Alexis de Tocqueville

"He loves nature in spite of what it did to him." - Forrest Tucker

"His ignorance covers the world like a blanket, and there's scarcely a hole in it anywhere." - Mark Twain

"Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?" - Mark Twain

"A solemn, unsmiling, sanctimonious old iceberg who looked like he was waiting for a vacancy in the Trinity." - Mark Twain

"Had double chins all the way down to his stomach." - Mark Twain

"I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it." - Mark Twain

"His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork." - Mae West

"She is a peacock in everything but beauty." - Oscar Wilde

"Some cause happiness wherever they go; others whenever they go." - Oscar Wilde

"He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends." - Oscar Wilde

"He has Van Gogh's ear for music." - Billy Wilder

"Ignorance is never out of style. It was in fashion yesterday, it is the rage today, and it will set the pace tomorrow." - Franklin K. Dane

"Why was I born with such contemporaries?" - Oscar Wilde

"He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts for support rather than illumination." - Andrew Lang (1844-1912)

"A great many people now reading and writing would be better employed keeping rabbits." - Edith Sitwell

Heard very many years ago at an election rally in Australia...

Lady heckler to Sir Robert Menzies ( incumbent PM)...." I would'nt vote for you even if you were the Angel Gabriel".!

Sir Robert Menzies...' Madam..If I were the Angel Gabriel you wouldn't be in my constituency".

One that got me into trouble at work a few years ago...

A colleague was complaining loudly and incessantly about the day's worlkoad. Whilst ranting away, she said "why don't I stick a brush up my bum and sweep the office at the same time as well!"

Without thinking I said "Why not tie it to your tongue? - you'll get done a lot faster!". :E :E I was not popular with her that afternoon.

And a flying related one that I heard some years back (apologies if it's been on here before):

A F50 captain is complaining about his routing into Amsterdam: "I'm seeing parts of Holland I've never seen before" he moaned.

ATC replied:"If you don't shut up, you'll be seeing parts of Germany!".

Then there was the time Winston Churchill was drunk and...... (sorry Binos) :E



On being told that President Calvin Coolidge had died, Dorothy Parker asked, 'How could they tell?'

teeteringhead: I have read the your #2 was made about Sir Stafford Cripps when WSC saw him walking through the House of Commons smoking room.

WC Fields.

Wife: "Why don't you go to bed."
W.C.: "I thought I'd take a nap first."

And one for those situations when someone is boring the a£$e off you: "Here's 10p - now go phone someone who gives a sh*t!"

(substitute appropriate currency if requ'd!!)

VG

One of Billy Connolys,
Old Comedian who has drink taken walking along the road slips on the ice and falls over backwards, flat on his arse,old lady walks up and says.

"Oh Dear did you fall down"?

"No missus I'm just trying to break this fecking bar of toffee in me back pocket"

And a grumpy old man moment from me, T'nT . Sorry. :(

Biggles, that one was even older!

Suppose I'd better put in an oldie myself, just to leave my self wide open.

Smirking middle-aged Romeo: So darling, where have you been all my life?

Gorgeous young thing: Well, for the first half of it I wasn't even born.

Now we're all square, OK? :O

Barry Humphries, AKA Sir Les Patterson:

"Some of those guys think they're pretty good, but between you and me, theywouldn't know there was a tram up 'em 'till the bell rang......"


"When I want to hear from an arsehole, I'll fart".

SSD

There's no beginning to his talents. Anon

One of mine:
If I want your opinion, I'll beat it out of you.

I still chuckle when I remember Mrs Merton, famously asking Paul Daniels’ wife Debbie McGee: “So what first attracted you to millionaire Paul Daniels?"

Billy Conelly to a heckler in the audience

"don't tell me how to do my job. Do I come to your work and tell you how to sweep up!"

Are you speaking to me?

To a mate, passing remark on a lady passing us in a bar:

"She's so fat, her bloodtype is Nutella!"

Hey, Flip Flop, it's been a while since we've seen a photo of your girlfriend.

:rolleyes:

I did hear of some RT banter where, after a championship football game, many many aircraft were waiting impatiently for clearence to take off. When a pilot in a very british accent asked,.... "why are all the German carriers getting clearence
ahead of the rest of us?"
Quick as a flash one replied with an equally German accent...
"It is because we have put our towel on the end of ze runway!"
Quality!!!:E

Dan Quayle: "I have as much experience in the Congress as Jack Kennedy did when he sought the presidency."

Lloyd Bentsen: "Senator, I served with Jack Kennedy. I knew Jack Kennedy. Jack Kennedy was a friend of mine.

Senator, you're no Jack Kennedy."

To another heckler:

"Thanks for that; now just sit back in your chair - and we'll plug it in!"

"If brains were dynamite - you couldn't blow your own hat off".

Some years ago, a friend and I were getting en route weather at Goose Bay Newfoundland on our way across North America when we got into conversation with another pilot setting off back to the UK. It was our first (and my only) Atlantic crossing in a single-engine aircraft; we were elated, and feeling rather pleased with ourselves.
My friend: Have you done it before?
Other pilot: Yeah.
My friend: How many times?
Other pilot: Let me think, one, two, three ………….15 times. No, 16 times.
As if that wasn’t enough to put our pride in proper perspective, he then added: ‘That's this year.’
A wonderful putdown, and (probably) entirely innocent.
(He was a professional ferry pilot. :) )

Some more cricketing ones, including a slightly different version of the one that started it all:

1 Rod Marsh & Ian Botham:
When Botham took guard in an Ashes match, Marsh welcomed him to the wicket with the immortal words: "So how's your wife and my kids?"

2. Daryll Cullinan & Shane Warne:
As Cullinan was on his way to the wicket, Warne told him he had been waiting two years for another chance to humiliate him. "Looks like you spent it eating," Cullinan retorted.

3. Glenn McGrath & Eddo Brandes:
After Brandes played & missed at a McGrath delivery, the Aussie bowler politely enquired:"Oi, Brandes, why are you so fat?" "Cos every time I f**k your wife she gives me a biscuit," Brandes replied.

4.Robin Smith & Merv Hughes:
During the 1989 Lords Test Hughes said to Smith after he played and missed: "You can't f**king bat". Smith to Hughes after he smacked him to the boundary: "Hey Merv, we make a fine pair. I can't f**king bat and you can't f**king bowl."

5. Merv Hughes & Javed Miandad:
During the 1991 Adelaide Test, Javed called Merv a 'fat bus conductor'. A few balls latter Merv dismissed Javed: "Tickets please", Merv called out as he ran past the departing batsman.

6. Merv Hughes & Viv Richards:
During a test match in the West Indies, Hughes didn't say a word to Viv, but continued to stare at him after deliveries. "This is my island, my culture. Don't you be staring at me. In my culture we just bowl." Merv didn't reply, but after he dismissed him he announced to the batsman: "In my culture we just say f**k off."

7. Ricky Ponting & Shaun Pollock:
After going past the outside edge with a couple of deliveries, Pollock told Ponting: "It's red, round and weighs about 5 ounces." Unfortunately for Pollock, the next ball was hammered out of the ground. Ponting to Pollock: "You know what it looks like, now go find it."

8. And of course you can't forget Ian Healy's legendary comment which was picked up by the Channel microphones when Arjuna Ranatunga called for a runner on a particularly hot night during a one dayer in Sydney: "You don't get a runner for being an overweight, unfit, fat c**t!!!"

Talking to a female person about a mutual friend who did karate, I tried to impress by mentioning casually that I used do martial arts myself.

She raised one eyebrow, looked at my stomach and said "Sumo?"

:{

During a recent interview, Prime Minister Tony Blair of Great Britain was asked by one of his parliament members as to why he believes so much in America ... and does he think America is on the right track?

Blair's reply:

"A simple way to take measure of a country is to look at how many want in ... and how many want out."

My memory fails me, but did an exchange between Churchill and De Gaulle go something along the lines of:

DG: I was born a Frenchman, lived my life as a Frenchman and will die a Frenchman.
WC: Good God! Have you no ambition?

There is the court room classic.
Lawyer cross examining Pathologist.

"At this point Mr Smith was dead"?

"Yes I was carrying out a autopsy"

"But how can you be so certain he was dead"?

"His brain was in a jar on my desk"

"And that would have stopped him doing anything"?

"Yes, although he could have probably still practiced law"

:rolleyes:

In 1966 upon being told that Charles DeGaulle had taken France out of NATO and that all U.S. Troops must be evacuated off of French soil. President Lyndon Johnson told Secretary of State Dean Rusk to ask him about the cemeteries!

So at end of the meeting Dean did ask DeGaulle if his order to
remove all U S. troops from French soil also included the 60,000+ soldiers buried in France from World War I and World War II.

DeGaulle never answered.

Shes so fat...she puts mayonaise on her aspirin!

Your such a bad shot...you couldn't hit the floor if you feel out of bed....


:p

Once, when I was in a first-aid class, the instructor of mine (who was a very wrinkly old Cockney) happened to mention at break "I was in the Sahara..."

Before he could finish I just blurted out "After Rommel then?". We all saw the funny side, thank God.

I'm sure this apocryphal, but it was mooted that Churchill left instructions that if he died before de Gaulle, then his funeral cortege should leave by train to his preferred resting place in Chartwell (North of London).

He was adamant that the train station of choice for the departure should be Waterloo, which only serves places south of London, and would require serious re-configuring of the route, (difficult, but not impossible), in order that the Heads of State present should be there to see him off!

Nice touch.

In the end he left by launch down the Thames, IIRC.

:ok:

Probably at little bit of a 'you had to be there moment' but........

I was at a 'do' and a young lady (who was quite drunk) was chasing just about every bloke in the place (undeterred by each rebuke she sought out a new target). She came up to the bar (where I was standing) to top off her tanks, and a very posh older woman said to her "just a bit of advice my dear - desperation is not attractive" Superb!

PD

Rodney Rude to a heckler in the audience:

"Hey mate, whattya gunna do for a face when Saddam wants his arsehole back? You're the best excuse for the pill I've ever seen"

A guy was sat close to the stage (just a dais really) of a group playing in a pub gig. He was tapping out rhythms on his table, embellished occasionally on the ashtray, glasses and bottles.

"Oi mate," yells the singer "if we'd have wanted a feckin' drummer we'd have advertised for one!"

Tony Grieg, as satirised by Billy (The Twelth Man) Birmingham :

"Grudge? Grudge? I don't have a grudge. A 'grudge' is where I pork my corr."


Herbert Sutcliffe at the crease playing a county game in Yorkshire. Fast delivery stopped fair in the cods. Drops bat in agony and with hands between legs is all bent over rocking slightly. From the stand comes stentorian Lancashire accent:

"HERBERT - STOP PLEASURIN' THARSELF . PLAY CRICKET."



Another county game, much later. A women's eleven batting against Yorkshire skippered by Freddie Truman. Ladies' captain belts last bowl of last over before lunch to the boundary.
Fielder in the ball's path bends down to stop it, but it goes straight through. Leaving the field this embarrassed man says to his captain - "Sorry, Freddie. Should've kept my legs together".
"Nay, Jimmy. Tha mother should've."

A golfing one to finish on -

Odette le Febre, top woman golfer in Australia in her day, was teeing up on the first tee with a fair gallery watching. Perhaps a tad nervous, she topped the ball. This resulted in hushed whisperings and acute embarrassment, to herself and to those that admired her.

A few moments of hushed silence were followed by the penetrating voice of a well known newspaper's sporting editor cum reporter:

"Odette! Where is thy swing ?"

Quality post Jokova - brought a smile to me lips it did:ok:

I refuse to engage in a battle of wits with an unarmed man.

Churchill again??

Capt. Crusty to new and none to brilliant co-pilot who has just screwed up again:

" You could be replaced by a bad toothache! "

After passing a large stocky lady with a three year old, mirror image, holding her mothers hand. Our very polite 82 year old neighbour said to my wife,"You can't expect a race horse out of a cart horse"

Observed this one....Female driver in a shopping mall....driving like women do when in near proximity of "shopping"....cutting diagonally across all the parking at warp speed with cell phone to ear....almost ran over a fellow driver (male member of the species)...missed by scant distance.

Male driver " Waggled an index finger at the offender."

Offender (female) takes cell phone down...leans head out of the window...and screams..."You don't have to be RUDE!"

Nice gentleman replied..."Yes Maam...you are correct....but then you do not HAVE TO BE STUPID!"

Male guy driver was in a parked and marked police car with all sorts of flashing blue stobe lights on it!

Ahhhhh Freddie Trueman,

Someone once told freddie he had a big arse,
His reply?

"Well tha' dont knock a 6 inch nail in wi a toffee ammer de thi"

Years ago, I got into a childish battle with another driver where two lanes merged into one. Heavy, very slow-moving traffic in central London, we got closer and closer until our cars were almost touching, but neither giving way.

Him (driving a mini): "It's going to cost you more than it's going to cost me."

Me (driving a Ferrari): "Yes, but I can afford it."

Credit where it's due. All he could do was laugh at my superb put-down, and wave me ahead of him.

Ooooh, Onan. You bitch!

Perhaps the very same car once owned by a proctologist.

He had the pleasure of being rear-ended by Red Symons ('Hey Hey It's Saturday') in a clapped out Vee Dub.

"when I want your opinion......I'll give it to you...":E

. . . it is far more impressive when others discover your good qualities without your help.


There's a sweetly intoning voice emanating sometimes from Hobart Tower. Virgin 699 calls her saying - with you Tower, out of one fifty for one zero thousand and requesting right base three zero.

Comes back - Virgin 699, Hobart Tower, cleared visual approach, straight in runway one two. The last time I gave a pilot what he wanted I was on penicillin for three weeks.

(And if you've had the dubious pleasure - you there Wes? - of hearing exchanges from one of HB TWR's longest serving ATCs, you'd not be pressed to guess the mentor of the miss.)

Yogi Berra was out with Mickey Mantle in the 50s when they were approached by a young groupie who wanted to get close.
"Man, you guys are cool," she said.

Yogi replied, "You're not so hot, yourself."

At work a colleague commented she was only 37 years young at the ceremonial slicing of her birthday cake . As she was a queen bitch that I didnt get on with , I replied " Theres too many candles on my slice for you to be that young"

Folksinger Jimmy Macarthy in Edmonton circa 1962 to a heckler:

I think I hear a heckler

A heckler is one who heckles or bates

I hear a master heckler!

After an excellent landing you can use the airplane again!

Margot, Lady Astor and Jean Harlow:

Jean: Gee, Lady Astor, is your name really MargoT ?

Lady A: No my dear, the T is silent as in Harlow

I was a DJ at a wedding a couple of years ago, when I started getting grief from a couple of guests.

As it was from Australia day, and this was their abode they thought that to celebrate I should play Down Under by Men At Work. A crap track if ever I heard one, and would do bog all for the dance floor.

I will apologise to all aussies at this point for what follows, but your countrymen were becoming a pain in the ar$e.

I tried all the usual DJ get rid of em lines "I'll have a look for it" etc.
This girl however was the worst sort of rectal pain, and wouldn't take NO for an answer, so out came the record.

"Ladies and Gentlemen, as you may be aware, today is Australia day, so this next record is for the two people who have joined us today, all the way from Britains biggest open air nick!!"

Granted the geezer with her was big, and not amused, but as other guests commented on the fact that they were all sick of hearing about Australia day, and thought this funny, I got away with it.

Loutish complaining patron in al fresco restaurant at the Beverly Hills Hotel: " ................... and why are there so many flies in such an expensive restaurant?"

Long-suffering waitress: "I guess they are very wealthy flies".

Well-known actress to George Bernard Shaw: "I shall be passing your house at ten tomorrow morning..."

GBS: "Please make sure that you do."
-------------------------------------------
GBS to lady admirer: "Will you sleep with me for a thousand pounds?" She: "Of course."

GBS then proferred a five-pound note. She, indignantly: "What do you think I am? GBS: "I know exactly what you are, we're merely haggling over the price."

George Reid (Australian PM 1904/05) weighed about 25 stone, and was always heckled at public meetings about his weight. He was addressing a public meeting one time, when a heckler asked what he was going to call the baby.
George's reply:

If it's a boy, I'll name him him Edward after the king. If it's a girl. I'll name her Victoria after our late queen, but if, as I suspect, it is all piss-and-wind, I'll name it after you.

BTW - the famous Churchill quote involving LAdy Astor:

If I were your wife I'd poison your drink.
If I were your husband madam, I would drink it;

was actually George Reid.


One I'm saving for a rainy day:

I'm terribly sorry, but I think you've mistaken me for someone that gives a f*ck.

RD

My fave to use in the face of any jobsworth attitude / rude or dismissive behaviour:

"Goodness, how quaint."

Attributed to Sir Thomas Beecham. Whilst he was travelling by train hit lit a cigar. A woman in the compartment objected and demanded that he open the window. He refused and she said:-

"Do you know who I am? I am one of the directors' wives!", his reply being;

"Madam, if you were his only wife I would still refuse."

Another from the great man, more an observation than a putdown.

Referring to a lady cellist "Madam, you have between your legs an instrument capable of giving pleasure to thousands - and all you can do is scratch it".

Heard This one in the toilets of local pub.

The ladies toilets were full and Q's outside, so one lady decided to enter the gents. The drunk guy next to me said.

Chap "Heh...this is the gents what the :mad: are you doing in here"

Lady....Dont know whay I came in here...is that it ? its that the size of it ?? not great at all is it ?"

Chap... "Ah Yea, you wouldnt say that if it was sliding down the back of your throat"

Lady promptly left the gents !!!!

I once saw Ray Allen & Lord Charles (Ventriloquist & dummy, for the younger PPruners who haven't heard of him), at a pub event.
One of the bar owners was a bit drunk, and was doing a bit of heckling.

Ray Allen turned to the audience, and said:
"you'll have to forgive him, his wife has cut him down to twice a week for sex. That's not too bad, she's cut another 4 people out completely"

Result. One drunk bar manager with a sense of humour failure, who had to be escorted from his own bar, by his own bouncers.

One from Ayrton Senna to his pilot

"How long have you been working for me ...... not including tomorrow"

As a recall the pilot later got to use the same back to Senna

Minty

(PS Can't help thinkin he wouldn't have dropped out of a GP - but thats another thread)

When Warren G Harding was a candidate for President of the United States, it was put about by his enemies that he had fathered an illegitimate child.

Their slogan was: "Ma! Ma! Where's my Pa?"

Harding was elected, and the response went: "He's in the White House! Ha! Ha! Ha!:

Oh dear, EWG, you're not really familiar with our beloved Onan's sense of humour are you? :rolleyes:

(err, you'd better take a closer look at both posts).

One of my favorities comes from an American steward who used to work for Go.

During boarding in Malaga a minor royal from Saudi and his friends having taken their seats and before the rest of the passengers are seated start hasseling the steward for drinks. After several polite refusals from the steward and an explanation as to why he would have to wait the minor royal lost it.

"Do you know I am a Prince in my country and I expect to be served when I want to be"

The American steward turns to the prince and replies,"In my country I am known as a Queen, so I out rank you.Now sit down and shut up"

One of the best has to be:

Oh dear, EWG, you're not really familiar with our beloved Onan's sense of humour are you?
(err, you'd better take a closer look at both posts).

Strange tho'..

EWG seems to have disappeared... :E

R

BINOS .....I am a muppet...I always tell my trainees to RTFQ....read the fecking question........:ok: :ok: :ok:



Nope Rhodie I will always admit to my mistakes!!!:ok:

Good one EWG...

OK, must admit - it took me two reads to figure out...! :ok:

R

A warm welcome to the muppets' club, EWG. Anybody who's been here more than a few months and hasn't been granted membership isn't trying hard enough. :ok:

The campaign referred to by Davaar was between Grover Cleveland, the father of an illegitimate child, and James G. Blain, 'The Continental Liar from the State of Maine.' You can see that the level of political rhetoric in the USA hasn't changed all that much over the years.

The Blain supporters used that 'Ma, ma! Where's my pa?' against Cleveland, to be answered by 'Gone to the White House! Ha-ha-ha!'after Cleveland was elected.

Harding was famous for having sex with his mistress in a White House wardrobe and later being, allegedly, poisoned by his wife. The poet e.e. cummings summed it up, in a poem celebrating Harding's ignorance, by saying that 'he hadn't ever ought to have eaten them yapanese craps.' since his demise followed a meal of sea-food during a visit to Alaska (I think it was).

Gerry Wigglesworth, ex Preston Controller, always nicked my tea flask and emptied it on night duties.

One night he complained that the tea wasn't up to the usual standard

I replied that my girl friend had made it and that she hadn't Pd in the pot to warm it up like I always did.

Always got to drink my own tea after that.

chuks -- 1
Davaar -- 0.

Perfectly correct, chuks. It just goes to show one (well, this one, anyway) should always check the failing memory.

More classic sledging WARNING Vbad language

A few of my favourites...

"Are you a professional ****** or just a talented amateur?"

"He shines like a rotting mackerel in the moonlight"

.... Could be used on any politician you care to name.

Best putdown I've ever seen though..

Ppruner: "I've got the same equipment swinging between my legs as a stallion racehorse"

Tony Draper: "An eight inch wide arsehole is nothing to be proud of... :rolleyes: "

Wuz at a party and a mate of mine was fairly trashed. We were in the kitchen and he had lent against the stove and turned on one of the gas jets by accident. Someone said "hey Mal, you've turned on the gas". A rather over weight girl said, "Yeah, it's the only thing he'll turn on tonight". Me mate eyed this corpulant femme and said as he stuck a smoke in his mouth; "I hope you don't wear a bikini at the beach. You'ld look like an egg with two rubber bands on it". Laugh! We nearly shat :=

On a Parade square, 20something years ago a Drill Sergeant picked on a poor guy in the row in front of me and bawled:

"..CARTER!!! THE BEST PART OF YOU RAN DOWN THE INSIDE OF YOUR MOTHERS LEG!!!

I got a severe attack of the sniggers but have used that one on occassion.

:ok:

A past lover commented "Oh my, you have a small organ" I replied....Yes, but it's the first time it's played in a cathedral.

Lady readers please note..Only a joke. I'm normal 4"

Daz

If only this was true, but then again I heard it from a friend in the job so to speak.

A gentleman stopped for speeding is asked the usual questions and all goes by the scirpt until
'And what do you do for a living sir?'

'I'm a rectum stretcher officer'

'And what does that entail?'

'Well first i insert one finger, then two and so on and so forth until the rectum is 6ft wide'

'And what exactly do you do with a 6ft A****ole??'

'Give it a uniform and a speed gun was the reply..


Scissors

Is it a matter of size, or a matter of sighs?

This is a card I have in my wallet and use on ocassion:

YOUR STORY
HAS TOUCHED MY HEART

Never before have i met anyone with more troubles
than you have. Please accept this Expression of my
sincere sympathy.


NOW F#CK OFF
AND STOP BOTHERING ME

I somehow managed to inherit a couple of sisters once into my circle and for the life of me I couldn't get rid of them. Trouble was they thought they were both beautiful.

Mate of mine looked up from his beer and said, "you beautiful, you are so ugly I'd break a leg running away from you."

Worked an absolute treat. Never saw them again after that night.

Wish I'd thought of that.

H

Not a put down as such, but..
Stood in a bar one night with a mate, when two mediocre looking girls sauntered towards us.
As they drew close my mate said,
"Hi girls, wheres Cinderella?"

Beer all over the Bar there was.


Also remember at school (many moons ago)
teacher holding a ruler out rested on my mates head and said..
"the person on the end of this ruler is an idiot"
Quick as a flash he says..
"which end Sir?"

I told a Production Engineer who was giving me a lot of trouble that I wouldn't trust him to sit the right way round on a lavatory seat. Never had any more grief from him.

This is my all time personal best (I'm so proud of it)

Woman, husband and other couple come to check in,

Woman says to me:what's the baggage allowance to the USA?

Me: 2 pieces at 32kgs a piece per person.

Her: MY travel agent told me it was 20kgs each (superior look on her mug)

Me: Well, I'm afraid your travel agent is wrong madam.

Her: I am the travel agent.

Me: Well in that case madam, you are wrong

:ok:

Women know some of the best put downs. I was once in my local city centre with girlfriend of the day and bumped into her predesessor. Before I could run for cover, current squeeze was met with a torrent of put downs including...

"...I really like what it is that you're trying to do with your hair..."

Didn't go 'feet wet' that night!

:ok:

These are more combacks than putdowns, but here goes anyway..

Was trying to attract the attention of my supervisor while he was on the phone and thought the best method might be to click my fingers. Upon noticing my attempt to grab his attention, he simply finished the call when he was ready, turned to me and said ....
"Takes more than 2 fingers to make me come..."

Another mate of mine who was never lost for a comback was in a fairly heated discussion with another friend.
Friend 1: "You always have to have the last bloody word, don't you!!"
Friend 2: "NUP"

A girlfriend of mine had a heavy breather phone call.
He said "you know what I've got in my hand"
She said " If you can hold it in one hand, its no good to me"
He rang off, and never called again!

A lady once frothed to President Calvin (Silent Cal) Coolidge that she had a bet with another lady that she could so get more than two words out of him.

"You lose".

"If C***s could fly,....you would be a squadron leader"
" You are as much use a a chocolate teapot"
" I have seen more life in a bottle of pop"
" I would sooner trust a monkey with a machine gun"
:}

The Regimental Sargeant Major addressing a new intake of officer cadets
" During your time here, as befitting your rank, I shall address each of you as Sir; and due to my rank and seniority you shall address me as Sir. The only difference is you shall mean it."

"I didn't come here to be insulted!"

"Where do you normally go then??"


Old but good. :)

Perhaps not strictly a put down, but hemac's story brings it to mind. From a book on National Service in the British Army. Drill sergeant addresses platoon: "Third man, rear rank! Swing your arm! Or I'll rip it out at the shoulder, stick it up your arse, and have you for a lollipop!".

An Army Colonel was being flown in an RAF C130 which had a Flight Sergeant loadmaster.

The Colonel, confused by the three stripes and a crown rank insignia, began calling to the loadie: "Staff, Staff!"

He was duly ignored by the FS, who continued about his business.

The Colonel continued: "Staff! Look here, I'm talking to YOU!"

"Me, Sir? Sorry, I didn't realise. I'm a Flight Sergeant!"

"If you were in the Army you would be a Staff Sergeant!"

No, Sir; if I were in the Army I'd be a Brigadier!"

"You are about as reliable as a Dingo baby sitter!"

From Dribblegas.com

The following are some creative ways of saying someone's stupid. Use with discretion, especially in reference to employers and/or mothers-in-law.


A few birds shy of a flock.


A .22 caliber intellect in a .357 Magnum world.

A brain like a BB in a boxcar.

A couple of slates short of a full roof.

A couplet short of a sonnet.

A few beads short in her rosary.

A few beers short of a six-pack.

A few birds shy of a flock.

A few bombs short of a full load.

A few bricks short of a wall.

A few clowns short of a circus.

A few clues shy of a solution.

A few ears short of a bushel.

A few feathers short of a duck.

A few fish short of a string.

A few guppies short of an aquarium.

A few inches short of a foot.

A few kernels short of an ear.

A few links shy of a chain.

A few open splices.

A few peas short of a casserole.

A few pickles short of a jar.

A few pies short of a holiday.

A few points short of a polygon.

A few ants short of a picnic.

A few tiles missing from his space shuttle.

A few too many lights out in his Christmas tree.

A flower short of an arrangement.

A few french fries short of a Happy Meal.

A lap behind the field.

A modest little person, with much to be modest about.

A Neanderthal brain in a Cro-Magnon body.

A photographic memory, but the lens cover is glued on.

A prime candidate for natural deselection.

A room temperature IQ.

A signature short of a book.

A square with only three sides.

A titanic intellect...in a world full of icebergs.

A tower short of a castle.

A vacuum-tube brain in a microchip world.

A violin minus the bow.

A walking argument for birth control.

A wind-up clock without a key.

All booster, no payload.

All foam, no beer.

All hammer, no nail.

All hat and no cattle.

All lime and salt, no tequila.

All shot, no powder.

All wax and no wick.

Always loses battles of wits because he's unarmed.

Always sharpening his sleeping skills.

An experiment in Artificial Stupidity.

An intellect rivaled only by garden tools.

Ano-fossal ambiguity (can't tell his ass from a hole in the ground).

Answers the door when the phone rings.

As a baby his parents stood him on his soft spot.

As bright as a nightlight.

As focused as a fart.

As sharp as a sack full of wet mice.

As smart as a lawyer is honest.

Back burners not fully operating.

Baler done run out of twine.

Batteries not included.

Blew the hatch before the lock sealed.

Born a day late and like that ever since.

Born during low tide in the gene pool.

Both oars in the water, but on the same side of the boat.

Brain permanently in power saving mode.

Brain transplant donor.

Bright as Alaska in December.

Caboose seems to be pulling the engine.

Calling her stupid would be an insult to stupid people.

Can't count his balls and get the same answer twice.

Car's only got three wheels, and one's going flat.

Cart can't hold all the groceries.

Cheats when filling out opinion polls.

Chimney's clogged.

Clock doesn't have all its numbers.

Contents settled some during shipping.

Couldn't count to 21 if he were barefoot and without pants.

Couldn't pour water out of a boot with instructions on the heel.

Couldn't write dialogue for a porno flick.

Cranio-rectally inverted.

Depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.

Differently clued.

Dock doesn't quite reach the water.

Doesn't have a fart's prayer in a hurricane.

Doesn't have a round in every chamber.

Doesn't have all his cornflakes in one box.

Doesn't have all the dots on his dice.

Doesn't have elastic in both of his socks.

Doesn't have his belt through all the loops.

Doesn't have the sense God gave an animal cracker.

Doesn't have two neurons to rub together.

Driveway doesn't quite reach the garage.

Driving at night with the lights off.

Driving with two wheels in the sand.

Dumb as a sack of hammers.

During evolution his ancestors were in the control group.

Eight pawns short of a gambit.

Elevator doesn't go all the way to the penthouse.

Elevator goes all the way to the top but the door doesn't open.

End of season sale at the cerebral department.

Fighting the war with a water pistol.

Fired her retro-rockets a little late.

Landing on one engine.

Four cents short of a nickel.

Full throttle, dry tank.

Gasoline engine, diesel fuel.

Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming.

Gets her mail at an unknown zip code.

Goalie for the dart team.

Got a life, but wasn't sure what to do with it.

Got his brains as a stocking stuffer.

Got into the gene pool while the lifeguard wasn't watching.

Guillotining him would make only an aesthetic difference.

Half a bubble off plumb.

Has a one-way ticket on the Disoriented Express.

Has an IQ one lower than it takes to grunt.

Has change for a seven dollar bill.

Has his solar panels aimed at the moon.

Has it floored in neutral.

Has only one chopstick in the chowmein.

Has signs on both ears saying "Space for Rent."

Has the attention span of an overripe grapefruit.

Has the mental agility of a soap dish.

Hasn't got all his china in the cupboard.

He writes blank checks on a closed account.

He's really into himself. His head is up his ass.

He's so dense, light bends around him.

Her blender doesn't go past "mix."

Her dentist went deaf from the drill's echoes.

Her ears serve the same function as holes in a dribble glass.

Her modem lights are on but there's no carrier.

Her phone doesn't quite reach her desk.

Her sewing machine's out of thread.

Her ski lift doesn't go to the top of the hill.

Her wipers don't touch the glass.

High relative humidity. He's lost in a fog.

His antenna doesn't pick up all the channels.

His brain was sold separately and they were out of stock.

His elevator is stuck between floors.

His golf bag does not contain a full set of irons.

His head whistles in a cross wind.

His jack can't get the car off the ground.

His mind is on vacation but his mouth is working overtime.

His mind is write-protected.

His mind wandered and never came back.

His seat back is not in the full upright and locked position.

His strip is demagnetized.

His system administrator is never in.

If brains were bird droppings, he'd have a clean cage.

If brains were water, hers wouldn't be enough to baptize a flea.

If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week.

If her brains were put in a hummingbird, it would fly backwards.

If his brains were money, he'd still be in debt.

If what you don't know can't hurt you, she's practically invulnerable.

If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean.

Immune from any serious head injury.

IQ lower than a snake's belly in a wagon-rut.

It's hard to believe he beat 100,000 other sperm.

Just another flash in the bedpan.

Knitting with only one needle.

Leaky sunroof.

Left the store without all of his groceries.

Living proof that nature does not abhor a vacuum.

Long on dry wall, short on studs.

Looking for a nickel in the corner of a circular room.

Lugnuts rattling in the hubcaps.

Missing a few buttons on his remote control.

Mooring lines don't reach the dock.

Needs another brain to make half-wit.

Needs his sleeves lengthened by a couple of feet so they can be tied in the back.

Next-day delivery in a nanosecond world.

No coins in the old fountain.

No filter in the coffeemaker.

No grain in the silo.

No hay in the loft.

Not Intel Inside.

Not running on full thrusters.

Not shooting pool on a level table.

Not the brightest bulb on the Christmas tree.

Not the sharpest knife in the drawer.

Oil doesn't reach his dipstick.

On permanent leave of absence from his senses.

One board short of a porch.

One boot stuck in the sand.

One rail short of a bank shot.

One drop short of an empty bladder.

One Froot Loop shy of a full bowl.

One pearl short of a necklace.

One prayer short of absolution.

One sentence short of a paragraph.

One ship short of a full fleet.

One step short of the attic.

Out there where the buses don't run.

People around her are at risk of second hand idiocy.

Playing baseball with a rubber bat.

Plays solitaire for cash.

Plenty of salt in the shaker, but no holes in the cap.

Put a lens in each ear and you've got a telescope.

Receiver is off the hook.

Room for rent, unfurnished.

Running U.S. appliances on British current.

Several nuts over fruitcake minimum.

She only packed half a sandwich.

Single-sided, low density.

Sitting in the right pew, but in the wrong church.

Skylight leaks a little.

Slinky's kinked.

Smoke doesn't make it to the top of his chimney.

So dumb, blondes tell jokes about him.

So stupid, mind readers charge her half price.

Some bugs in his software.

Some drink from the fountain of knowledge, but he just gargled.

Somebody lend her a quarter to buy a clue.

Someone blew out his pilot light.

Sort of like an inverse Einstein.

Suffers from Clue Deficit Disorder.

Surfing in Nebraska.

Takes her two hours to watch 60 Minutes.

Teflon brain--nothing sticks.

The cheese slid off his cracker.

The spit valve's fallen off his trumpet.

The wheel's spinning but the hamster's dead.

Three chickens short of a henhouse.

Too many birds on her antenna.

Too much yardage between the goal posts.

Took the little bus to school.

Two chapters short of a novel.

Two degrees off square.

Two saucers short of a tea-service.

Two sheep short of a sweater.

Useful as a chocolate teapot.

Uses his head to keep the rain out of his neck.

Vacancy on the top floor.

Views mold as a higher life form.

Warranty expired.

Whole lotta choppin', but no chips a flyin'.

Wise as the world is flat.

Zero K memory.

Lon more,

That just about sums it up. Next topic?

On the day President Reagan was shot....

Whitehouse aide #1:"Have you heard the news? The President's been shot."

Aide #2:"Gee. Do you think we should tell him?"

Another oldie

BA pilot taxiing in from Hamburg runway to the stand a good few years ago gets a bit lost.

Female ground controller gives him a good verbal going over, ending up by asking, "Haven't you ever been here before?".

Reply...."Yes, in 1944, but we didn't stop".

Many moons ago my best mate and I were "invited" to attend the headmasters study for a "discussion" on our behaviour.

As he berated us both for our midemeanours, he was flexing his cane menacingly.

He spoke to my pal... "you know what this means boy?" (more cane flexing).

"Yes" replys my mate, pointing at the cane,"You're trying to break it but you are not strong enough".......

Need I describe the outcome......................................:{

Teacher briefing her class preliminary to following day's exam:

"You will all be here, on time and ready. I shall not accept any excuse whatever, short of nuclear attack, a sudden death in your immediate family or your own sickness if provable."

S Alec puts up hand:

"Please miss, if I tell you tomorrow that I'm suffering from total sexual exhaustion, will you let me off?"

Class breaks into sniggers. Teacher comes straight back with:

"Then, Alec, you will just have to do the exam with your other hand."


There was a sassy F/A named Susan. A brash, full -of- himself F/O, name of Murray, had got it into his head that Susan fancied him, but was playing Miss Super-Cool and not giving him the slightest encouragement - yet.
One day, as Susan handed him his sixth cup of coffee that leg, she oozed: "Murray, has any woman ever told you how earth-movingly wonderful you are?" "No, no, Susan. Never." "Well, Murray, do tell us how you found out."

Long time ago I was at Patuxent (Pax) River doing a year of purgatory at USN TPS.
A fresh faced Lt (jg) came in a spurted:
" the CNO (Chief of Naval OPs- Adm Borda) has just shot himself"

Fellow hard pressed student: " What? Did he get orders for TPS?"

On a night out, in a bar in York.
A friend and I get talking to a young lady who is a dead ringer for Denise Van Outen, the conversation went as follows:-

My mate : You look just like that bird off TV, what's her name?

Lady : (Very arrogantly, knowing she is beautiful) Oh you mean Denise Van Outen.

My Mate : (Quick as a flash) No..........Jo Brand.

:}

Trolly Dolly to PIA (Pain in the Ar**) Passenger: "Your Gin & Tonic, Sir".

PIA Pass: " Could I have another slice of lemon?"
TD: "Certainly, Sir"
PIA Pass: "More Ice".
TD: "With pleasure, Sir"
PIA Pass: "What proof is this Gin?"
TD: "47%. Sir"
PIA Pas: "It doesn't state that on the lable".
TD: " With respect, Sir, it doesn't say "Prat" on your ticket"

HOw about this one (http://www.pprune.org/forums/showthread.php?s=&threadid=180812)?

While collecting material for his Irish Sketch Book, the English novelist William Makepeace Thackeray decided to take a pinch of snuff just as he was approached by a beggar-woman on a country road. Seeing him put his hand in his pocket, the woman cried out, "May the blessing of God follow your honour all your life." But when all he did was to take out his snuff box and walk on past her, she added more loudly, "And may it never catch up with you."

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At a literary gathering in London, an author greeted Oliver Goldsmith as "the greatest living writer in English" and declared himself unworthy to be called even a hack in the presence of so great an artist.

"How dare he?" said Goldsmith after he had walked away. "He's not important enough to humble himself like that ."

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"Bernard Shaw", said Wilde, "is an excellent man. He has not an enemy in the world and none of his friends like him."

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On being invited by some citizens of Griggsville to lecture on aesthetics, Wilde answered, "Begin by changing the name of your town."

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OK – haven’t read entire thread so apologies if posted earlier but

Wasn’t it Churchill who when during a private moment was told MrX was on the phone replied – please tell him I’m indisposed, and can only deal with one s**t at a time.

Friend: I want to get an evening dress, but one that would not make me look ridiculous.

Flyblue: you mean a burqa?

:E

"I believe you are educated beyond your intelligence"

True - happened to me:


Put down by a Pom -

1996. I was sitting at stoplights in Kensington High St, London, feeling very pleased with myself in my 500 quid 2CV with the roof open to enjoy the rare sunny day. Looked across to see a Porsche driver lowering his roof too.

Me (smugly): 'I paid 500 quid for this - what's yours worth?'

British Porsche Driver: 'Won it in a raffle.' (accelerates away...)


Put down by a octagenarian

My bro-in-law's aunt at a meal, before I married (late)...

Aunt: Why don't you get married?

Me (smugly): Why buy a book when you can join a library?

Aunt: Yes, but don't you find that library books are often a little dog-eared?


1 to the Poms, 1 to aunt, none to me. :ugh:

Fresh in from the porridge thread....

Aerbabe responds to "So you don't swallow, AerBabe?"
with -

"I'm sure you shouldn't ask me things like that when you're the spitting image of my father."

A perfect put down. :ok:

I seem to remember another of Winnies classics (apologies if wrong).

Lady berating him for being fat.

Winnie - "Madam, I am not fat, I am pregnant. It's a baby elephant and the trunk is hanging out already."

One of my ex-managers (for some reason, anyone, with two exceptions - they left first - who has been my manager in the last 26 years has been canned) in a meeting:

Are you trying to make an idiot out of me?

radeng (more than usually pissed off) 'No, I wouldn't presume to attempt to improve on the good Lord's creation'