jimgriff
12th Nov 2004, 08:34
When BAE SYSTEMS was asked by a customer what the best solution to 2+2 was, they decided to evaluate a wide number of responses and consolidate them into company Best Practice.
Aerodynamics said that based on data available from previous projects it was probable that it would lie between 3.4 and 4.5
Airworthiness said that the answer had to be limited to 3 for safety reasons. (I can believe this now)
Avionics said 3.999999999
Car Administration said it would be a stretched limousine for directors, a large saloon for executives or a Fiat Punto for the rest.
Configuration Control said that the answer is 3, but there is a Change Request in the system to correct this to 5.
Contracts said that they would have to get back to us, but they didn't.
Customer Support said that we could have an answer within twenty-four hours, anywhere in the world.
Data Management told us that this information had been sent out three weeks ago.
Design asked, "What would you like it to be?"
Estimating said 2 (based on previous similar tasks), 6.5 (based on parametric data) and 9 (based on a 'bottom-up' estimate), added 0% contingency and invited us to select an answer from this range.
Facilities Management told us that their minimum estimate for any job was £100,000 so the answer would probably be greater than that.
Finance informed us that due to Profit Plan constraints the value could not be higher than 3.8.
Flight Operations muttered something about +Two pairs in loose formation before wandering off making funny noises and waving their hands in curves through the air. (A more sensible answer than normal)
Flight Test said it would be at least 6, because a sum like this would require a chase aircraft and a tanker.
Goods Receiving said that they were sure that the answer arrived yesterday, could we give them a couple of days to find it?
Integrated Support said 12, since we would require at least two plus a spare.
The Legal department told us that notwithstanding the aforementioned clauses, and without prejudice to the company's position on this or any other contract, the answer may be released provided that undertakings are guaranteed that the copyright enjoyed by the foresaid company with regard to the subject of this contract is not breached, and that the answer must not be divulged to any third party whatsoever without the express written permission of the company (hereafter referred to as ' BAE SYSTEMS').>
Logistics asked whether we had a requisition with a valid order number to allow them to release the answer.
Maintenance didn't understand the question.
The Management Committee advised that the appointment of a Managing Director - Mathematical Problems is expected to be announced within the next few weeks.
Manufacturing asked whether a drawing was available, but said that they would probably have to sub-contract the job anyway due to capacity problems.
Occupational Health said that they didn't know what the answer was, but a couple of aspirins should clear the symptoms and if not we should come back later this week to arrange for a workplace assessment.
Operational Efficiency Improvements told us that they have generated a Project Plan for Mathematical Calculations, which calls up the Procedure for Addition of Whole Numbers and a benchmark on-line Results Reporting framework with full metrication, but there was a problem with Product Manager and they couldn't access the documents.
Ops Planning asked whether the manpower to complete this task was included in the Value Plan database.
Personnel said 2, but they would both have to work 'smarter, not harder'.
Procurement said they didn't have the resources available and why didn't we do it ourselves?
Project Management asked where the precise requirement for this information had originated and how was it to be funded?
Public Relations & Communications told us that BAE SYSTEMS has a proven, world-class capability to answer questions such as this, and that the effects on the local community would be uppermost in the company's mind as they considered how best to address this particular issue.
Quality said that they would have to send an Approved Operator and an Inspector on an ISO 9001 compliant course covering basic mathematics for non-academic staff before they could give us an answer.
Sales & Marketing said that an answer could be supplied from the company's existing product range, dependent upon the customer requirement and budget (provided that an export licence could be obtained).
Security asked whether we were cleared to receive the answer.
Spray Shop said that they couldn't answer the question at the moment because they were overloaded with work, but suggested that we come back next week when they would have nothing at all to do.
Stress said 5, allowing for a reserve factor of 25%.
Structures said they couldn't locate the file with that particular calculation at the moment.
Systems Engineering said that they would prepare an estimate for performing the task, but they couldn't allocate any staff to the job until three months after a directive had been issued to them.
Tech Pubs said between A3 and A4.
Training were sure that the Open Learning Centre had a package to support a Programme of Assisted Self Study to allow us to become competent to answer this question, but if not then a residential course could be provided.
The coffee machine attendant said 4 (but he doesn't work for BAE SYSTEMS!).
Aerodynamics said that based on data available from previous projects it was probable that it would lie between 3.4 and 4.5
Airworthiness said that the answer had to be limited to 3 for safety reasons. (I can believe this now)
Avionics said 3.999999999
Car Administration said it would be a stretched limousine for directors, a large saloon for executives or a Fiat Punto for the rest.
Configuration Control said that the answer is 3, but there is a Change Request in the system to correct this to 5.
Contracts said that they would have to get back to us, but they didn't.
Customer Support said that we could have an answer within twenty-four hours, anywhere in the world.
Data Management told us that this information had been sent out three weeks ago.
Design asked, "What would you like it to be?"
Estimating said 2 (based on previous similar tasks), 6.5 (based on parametric data) and 9 (based on a 'bottom-up' estimate), added 0% contingency and invited us to select an answer from this range.
Facilities Management told us that their minimum estimate for any job was £100,000 so the answer would probably be greater than that.
Finance informed us that due to Profit Plan constraints the value could not be higher than 3.8.
Flight Operations muttered something about +Two pairs in loose formation before wandering off making funny noises and waving their hands in curves through the air. (A more sensible answer than normal)
Flight Test said it would be at least 6, because a sum like this would require a chase aircraft and a tanker.
Goods Receiving said that they were sure that the answer arrived yesterday, could we give them a couple of days to find it?
Integrated Support said 12, since we would require at least two plus a spare.
The Legal department told us that notwithstanding the aforementioned clauses, and without prejudice to the company's position on this or any other contract, the answer may be released provided that undertakings are guaranteed that the copyright enjoyed by the foresaid company with regard to the subject of this contract is not breached, and that the answer must not be divulged to any third party whatsoever without the express written permission of the company (hereafter referred to as ' BAE SYSTEMS').>
Logistics asked whether we had a requisition with a valid order number to allow them to release the answer.
Maintenance didn't understand the question.
The Management Committee advised that the appointment of a Managing Director - Mathematical Problems is expected to be announced within the next few weeks.
Manufacturing asked whether a drawing was available, but said that they would probably have to sub-contract the job anyway due to capacity problems.
Occupational Health said that they didn't know what the answer was, but a couple of aspirins should clear the symptoms and if not we should come back later this week to arrange for a workplace assessment.
Operational Efficiency Improvements told us that they have generated a Project Plan for Mathematical Calculations, which calls up the Procedure for Addition of Whole Numbers and a benchmark on-line Results Reporting framework with full metrication, but there was a problem with Product Manager and they couldn't access the documents.
Ops Planning asked whether the manpower to complete this task was included in the Value Plan database.
Personnel said 2, but they would both have to work 'smarter, not harder'.
Procurement said they didn't have the resources available and why didn't we do it ourselves?
Project Management asked where the precise requirement for this information had originated and how was it to be funded?
Public Relations & Communications told us that BAE SYSTEMS has a proven, world-class capability to answer questions such as this, and that the effects on the local community would be uppermost in the company's mind as they considered how best to address this particular issue.
Quality said that they would have to send an Approved Operator and an Inspector on an ISO 9001 compliant course covering basic mathematics for non-academic staff before they could give us an answer.
Sales & Marketing said that an answer could be supplied from the company's existing product range, dependent upon the customer requirement and budget (provided that an export licence could be obtained).
Security asked whether we were cleared to receive the answer.
Spray Shop said that they couldn't answer the question at the moment because they were overloaded with work, but suggested that we come back next week when they would have nothing at all to do.
Stress said 5, allowing for a reserve factor of 25%.
Structures said they couldn't locate the file with that particular calculation at the moment.
Systems Engineering said that they would prepare an estimate for performing the task, but they couldn't allocate any staff to the job until three months after a directive had been issued to them.
Tech Pubs said between A3 and A4.
Training were sure that the Open Learning Centre had a package to support a Programme of Assisted Self Study to allow us to become competent to answer this question, but if not then a residential course could be provided.
The coffee machine attendant said 4 (but he doesn't work for BAE SYSTEMS!).