Into a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy, looking like he'd just been run over by a train. His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken, his face is cut and bruised and he's walking with a limp.

"What happened to you?" asks Sean, the bartender.

"Jamie O'Conner and me had a fight," says Paddy.

"That little shite, O'Conner," says Sean, "he couldn't do that to you, he must have had something in his hand."

"Ay, that he did," says Paddy, "a shovel is what he had, and a terrible lickin' he gave me with it."

"Well," says Sean, "you should have defended yourself, didn't you have something in your hand?"

"Dat I did," said Paddy. "Mrs. O'Conner's breast, and a thing of beauty it was, but useless in a fight."

:}

Michael walks onto a London building site.

Foreman takes one look at him and says, 'You thick Paddys don't know nuffink. So what's the difference between a girder and a joist, then, eh?'

Michael thinks for a minute.

'Wasn't it that Goethe wrote Faust and Joyce wrote Ulysses?'

A guy parks his convertible Ferrari out the front of a shop in Belfast where there are a group of kids sitting out the front. The guy gets out, leaves the top down and whistles to wake up the Doberman on the back seat. The huge dog sits up and growls at the kids.

One of the kids shouts out "Hey mister, give us a tenner, and we'll watch your car for you".

"No need" says the guy "That's what the dog there for!".

The oldest kid pipes up "So, your dog can put out fires then can it?"

It's been done before but it still makes me chuckle ....

Flight 101 was flying from Heathrow to Dublin one night, with
Paddy the Pilot, and Gerry the co-pilot. As they approached Dublin airport, they looked out the front window.

"B'jeesus" said Paddy "Will you look at how short that runway is".
"Ya not kiddin, Paddy" replied Gerry.
"Tis is gonna be one a' the trickiest landings you are ever gonna see" said Paddy.
"Ya not f**kin kiddin, Paddy" replied Gerry.
"Right Gerry. When I give the signal, you put the engines in reverse" said Paddy
"Right, I'll be doing tat" replied Gerry.
"And then you put the flaps down straight away" said Paddy
"Right, I'll be doing that" replied Gerry.
"And then you stamp on them brakes as hard as you can" said Paddy
"Right, I'll be doing that" replied Gerry.
"And then you pray to the Mother Mary with all a' your soul" said Paddy
"Right, I'll be doing that" replied Gerry.
So they approached the runway with Paddy and Gerry full of nerves and sweaty palms.
As soon as the wheels hit the ground, Gerry put the engines in reverse, put the flaps down, stamped on the brakes and prayed to Mother Mary with all of his soul. Amidst roaring engines, squealing of tyres and lots of smoke, the plane screeched to a halt centimetres from the end of the runway, much to the relief of Paddy and Gerry and everyone on board. As they sat in the cockpit regaining their composure, Paddy looked out the front window and said to Gerry "Tat has gotta be the shortest f**kin runway I have EVER seen in my whole life".

Gerry looked out the side window and replied "Yeah Paddy, and the widest too".

:E

So what did St Patrick say as he drove the snakes out of Ireland?










You guys got enough room in the back?



I'll get me shillaghleagh:rolleyes:

Seamus and Murphy are walking down the high street looking for a job. They pass the recruitment agency and see a sign "tree fellers" wanted.

Seamus turns to Murphy and says "damn if Paddy was here we could have had that".

Subject: Fw: Irish Driver


>Paddy the famous Irishman is driving home after downing a few at the
>local pub. He turns a corner and much to his horror he sees a tree in the
>middle of the road.
>
>He swerves to avoid it and almost too late realizes that there is yet
>another tree directly in his path. He swerves again and discovers
>that his drive home has turned into a slalom course, causing him to veer from
>side to side to avoid all the trees.
>
>Moments later he hears the sound of a police siren and brings his car
>to a stop. The officer, approaches Paddy's car and asks him what on earth
>he was doing.
>
>Paddy tells his story of the trees in the road when the officer stops
>him mid sentence and says, "Fer Chris sakes, Paddy, that's yer air
>freshener!"
>
>HAPPY SAINT PATRICK'S DAY....MARCH 17TH!

Can't remember this exactly but it goes something like this

An Englishman, Irishman & Welshman were about to receive lashes for some 'crime' they'd committed in Saudi Arabia.

The Englishman chose to have a pillow tied to his back while getting 20 lashes & came out of it with a torn shirt & bleeding.

When it came to the Welshmans turn the Saudis gave him the option of two pilllows which he gratefully had strapped to his back to ease his punishment to no avail, he came out in ribbons.

When it came to the Irish mans turn the Saudis asked him how he would like to take his punishment. Oh "give me 50 lashes with no pilllows strapped to my back."

The Saudis were mighty impressed with the Irishmans willingness to accept his punishment on the chin & his respect for their laws.

There is one thing I'd ask though" said the Irishman

"What's that" asked the impressed Saudis

"I want the Englishman strapped to my back" :D

Coco

Who said the Oirish aren't cute hoors then?

Happy Patrick's Day everyone! :ok: