Q: What is the definition of Confidence?
A: When your wife catches you in bed with another woman and you slap her on the ass and say, "You're next!"

Q: How do you know when you are getting old?
A: When you start having dry dreams and wet farts.

Q: What's the definition of "trust"?
A: Two cannibals giving each other a blowjob

Q: When is a pixie not a pixie?
A: When he's got his head up a fairy's skirt, then he's a goblin'.

Q: How do you tell that you have a high sperm count.
A: Your date has to chew before she swallows

Q: What is the difference between a 69 and driving in the fog?
A: When driving in the fog, you can't see the
asshole in front of you.

Q: What do Kodak and condoms have in common?
A: They both capture the moment.

Q: What's got 90 balls and makes women sweat?
A: Bingo.

Q: How many Freudian analysts does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Two, one to change the bulb and one to hold the penis, I mean ladder.

Q: What's 100 yards long and smells of piss?
A: The Post Office queue on Thursday mornings.

Q: What have the Gas Board and pelicans got in common?
A: They can both stick their bills up their arse.

Q: Why don't blind people skydive?
A: It scares the **** out of the dog.

Q: What have women and condoms got in common?
A: If they're not on your dick they're in your wallet.

Q: What do you call a lesbian with fat fingers?
A: Well endowed.

Q: What's the difference between PMT and BSE?
A: One's mad cow's disease and the other's an
agricultural problem.

Q: What's the difference between a dead dog in the road and a dead lawyer in the road?
A: There are skid marks in front of the dog.

Q: Who is the only man weighing over 11st, who has ridden a Derby winner, since 1945?
A: Lester Piggott's cell mate.

Q: How do you make a dog drink?
A: Put it in a liquidizer.

Q: What's got 500 legs and no pubic hair?
A: The front row at a Boyzone concert.

Q: What is the definition of confusion?
A: Twenty blind lesbians in a fish market.

Its all good.... :D :D :D

:D :D :D :D

These aren't rude, but I never got any right either. :D

1. What's in front of a woman and back of a cow?

The letter W.


2. What's starts with a C and ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains a whitish liquid?

Coconut.


3. What's about 6 inches long, has a vein running down it, and women love to get their hands on?

A $100 note.


4. What goes in hard and solid then comes out soft and sticky?

Bubblegum.


5. What is long, hard and round and sticks so far out a man's pyjamas that you can hang a hat on it?

His head.


6. What does a man do standing up, a woman do sitting down, and a dog does on three legs?

Shake hands.


7. What is it that a woman has two and a cow has four?

Legs.


8. What assists an erection, often has big balls hanging from it, and is also called a big swinger?

A crane.


9. What do you stick poles inside of, tie down to get it up. and also gets wet before you do?

A tent.


10. When I go in I cause pain. I cause you to spit and ask you not to swallow. I can fill your hole.

A dentist.

Q:- What has 73 legs, 14 teeth and smells of p!ss?
A:- The front row of a Daniel O'Donnell audience

In N.Ireland, where there's a rope bridge at a place called Carrick-a-Rede between the mainland and stack rocks just off the coast (and walking across it is a serious brass balls job):-

Q:- What's the similarity between crossing the Carrick-a-Rede rope bridge and getting a BJ from Mo Mowlem?
A:- FOR GOD'S SAKE DON'T LOOK DOWN

Q: What's the difference between tartare sauce and semen?

A: Tartare sauce doesn't hit the back of a womans throat at 30 MPH !!!

[ 02 August 2001: Message edited by: wuan lowslungdong ]

[ 02 August 2001: Message edited by: wuan lowslungdong ]

And,


1. What do you stick your finger in and fiddle with when you're bored? The best man always has me first.

A wedding ring.


2. All day long, it's in and out. I discharge loads from my shaft. Both men and women go down on me.

An elevator.


3. What comes in many sizes, drips when it is not well, and makes you feel good when you blow it?

A nose.


4. When I miss, I hit your bush. It's my job to stuff your box. When I come, it's news.

A newspaper boy.


5. I offer Protection. I get the finger ten times. You use your fingers to get me off.

A glove.


6. What has a stiff shaft, has a penetrating tip, and comes with a quiver?

An arrow.


7. I make some guys shoot in the air. I usually have a little pecker. I'm better in your hand than in your bush.

A bird.


8. This is a useful tool, commonly found in the range of 6 inches
long, the functioning of which is enjoyed by members of both sexes.
It is usually found hung, dangling loosely, ready for instant
action. It boasts of a clump of little hairy things at one end
and a small hole at the other. In use, it is quickly inserted,
almost always willingly, sometimes slowly, sometimes quickly, into
a warm, fleshy, moist opening where it is thrust in and drawn out
again and again many times in succession, often quickly and
accompanied by squirming bodily movements. Anyone found listening
in will most surely recognize the rhythmic, pulsing sound
resulting from the well-lubricated movements. When finally
withdrawn, it leaves behind a juicy, frothy, sticky white
substance, some of which will need cleaning from the outer
surfaces of the opening and some from its long glistening shaft.
After everything is done and the flowing and cleansing liquids
have ceased emanating, it is returned to its freely hanging state
of rest, ready for yet another bit of action, hopefully reaching
its bristling climax twice or three times a day, but often much
less. What is it?

It is your very own toothbrush.


9. What's brown and sticky?

A stick.

Q: What's another name for two lesbian nun's having sex.

A: Two she's playing a hymn(him) without an organ. :)

whats long, hard and full of seamen?

a submarine :D :D

Whats long hard and f$#%* New Zealanders?

High school :) :)

The difference between a Circus and a Chorus Line. One has a Cunning Array of Stunts...
or was that a Circus and the Traffic Police????

What's got 24 balls and ****s Ducks.....


mfoamc........or is it the scriptwriters of Shortland Street?

[ 09 August 2001: Message edited by: boredcounter ]

Q:- Why is the camel called "The Ship of the Desert"?

A:- Because it's full of Arab se(a)men