You Know You Are In Africa When.....
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Join Date: Aug 2002
Location: Kinshasa DRC
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Eat Anything, Anywhere, Anytime - You Can Always Make A Plan......
African cuisine requires a matured palate and even at times cast iron constitution so as no to embarrase yourself when presented with favourites by your would-be hosts such as Juicy Large White Live Suculent Worms - Let's see Gordon Ramsey do that without a F..k Me!
One such experience revolved around a tube of locally produced luncheon meat, the reveared African Coke bottle and an early morning flight into rebel territory......
Having loaded the interior of the Aztec full of plastic containers containing Avgas for the 10 hour round-trip - Uncle Sam (Not his real Name) set off to rescue a group of mine workers under seige in rebel territory - luncheon meat and Coke at his side.
His only sollace this fine morning as he flew eastwards, low level above the tree tops was the portable ICOM HF radio connecting him with the home base and the constant chatter of the company operations personel.
After a couple of hours of this he decided breakfast was in order and proceeded to attack the meat by his side with his Leatherman like a wild animal - grasping red chunks between his thumb and the sharpened blade - ah fine dining African style he scoffed as he swilled a mouthful of Coke down his gullet to mute the strong aftertaste of the unknown meaty surprise.
Within 30 minutes he was wishing the butcher and the dog catcher who supplied him a quick and untimely death as he wrenched in pain trying to hold back the tide just like placing ones finger in a dyke while the plane ebbed and bounded with every flinch he made.
His desperate call to operations for help was quickly answered fearing mortal danger was immenent and death would surely result within minutes. After a brief but painful explanation, Sam who was by now reduced to tears as the green carpet stretched out in front of him and salvation slipped beyond his grasp, while the operations personel were reduced to a couple of hysterical laughing hyenas as he detailed the situation and considered ****ting there and then in his pants.
Then he heard the words of God above him - or so he thought at first - "Use the Coke Bottle" - his boss had been summoned and was taking matters into his own hands. Now Sam was a good pilot and held a degree in enginering but for the life of him could not envision how "That would work", frustrated by now he was ready to blow!
Next came instructions from the speaker above detailing in James Bond style how to scalpt a brown bomb using a leatherman and un upturned Coke bottle - which when finished and placed between the two front seats transformed the Aztec into the most holy place Sam would ever know! The experience was in fact religious and akin to the parting of the Red Sea or the deliverence of the Ten Commendment's to Moses.
When finished the words of God continued - "now open your storm-window and point outwards" - the stench will be worse than a taste he was assured - now "drop vertically" and breath a sigh of relief. Sam followed carefully and precisely all that he was instructed to perform and calm was restored once more to the African Skies!
So the moral to the story - in Africa you can always make a plan - I have heard on occasions aircraft making in-flight diversions or emergency landings on roads for toilet emergencies in light aircraft. Coke bottles although versitile are not unique - plastic shopping bags and UNHCR tarps are perfectly acceptable equivilents. You just have to think Outside of the Box!
One such experience revolved around a tube of locally produced luncheon meat, the reveared African Coke bottle and an early morning flight into rebel territory......
Having loaded the interior of the Aztec full of plastic containers containing Avgas for the 10 hour round-trip - Uncle Sam (Not his real Name) set off to rescue a group of mine workers under seige in rebel territory - luncheon meat and Coke at his side.
His only sollace this fine morning as he flew eastwards, low level above the tree tops was the portable ICOM HF radio connecting him with the home base and the constant chatter of the company operations personel.
After a couple of hours of this he decided breakfast was in order and proceeded to attack the meat by his side with his Leatherman like a wild animal - grasping red chunks between his thumb and the sharpened blade - ah fine dining African style he scoffed as he swilled a mouthful of Coke down his gullet to mute the strong aftertaste of the unknown meaty surprise.
Within 30 minutes he was wishing the butcher and the dog catcher who supplied him a quick and untimely death as he wrenched in pain trying to hold back the tide just like placing ones finger in a dyke while the plane ebbed and bounded with every flinch he made.
His desperate call to operations for help was quickly answered fearing mortal danger was immenent and death would surely result within minutes. After a brief but painful explanation, Sam who was by now reduced to tears as the green carpet stretched out in front of him and salvation slipped beyond his grasp, while the operations personel were reduced to a couple of hysterical laughing hyenas as he detailed the situation and considered ****ting there and then in his pants.
Then he heard the words of God above him - or so he thought at first - "Use the Coke Bottle" - his boss had been summoned and was taking matters into his own hands. Now Sam was a good pilot and held a degree in enginering but for the life of him could not envision how "That would work", frustrated by now he was ready to blow!
Next came instructions from the speaker above detailing in James Bond style how to scalpt a brown bomb using a leatherman and un upturned Coke bottle - which when finished and placed between the two front seats transformed the Aztec into the most holy place Sam would ever know! The experience was in fact religious and akin to the parting of the Red Sea or the deliverence of the Ten Commendment's to Moses.
When finished the words of God continued - "now open your storm-window and point outwards" - the stench will be worse than a taste he was assured - now "drop vertically" and breath a sigh of relief. Sam followed carefully and precisely all that he was instructed to perform and calm was restored once more to the African Skies!
So the moral to the story - in Africa you can always make a plan - I have heard on occasions aircraft making in-flight diversions or emergency landings on roads for toilet emergencies in light aircraft. Coke bottles although versitile are not unique - plastic shopping bags and UNHCR tarps are perfectly acceptable equivilents. You just have to think Outside of the Box!
A pax dropped a coil in the aisle of a WFP 200 once, inbound Luanda. Not much thinking outside of the box there
'must $hit.....where? there is no roadside in here....
What about the aisle? It looks good...OK'
You know your in africa when you're getting screwed around by ATC, You get extremely annoyed.. 'You çun+' you say
and the reply is 'I can'
Join Date: Nov 2003
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...Or the captain, struck by a sudden attack of the Angolan Arse Clenchers makes use of the coolbox without removing the passengers' lunch first. Be very afraid - Captain R. "Coolbox" C****** is still out there somewhere and has no problem crapping on your sandwiches....
Join Date: Jul 2003
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You know you are in Africa when on Monday you fly in 250 "boy soldiers" into a war zone and then on Thursday return to pick up 200+ in body bags and nobody is waiting back at base to receive them. No other continent places such low value on life.
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HTDA
Pilot: May I take runway 14 if available.
ATC: Your cleared right base 14,
Pilot:There is traffic on the runway, will it be clearing soon?
ATC: Cleared to land 14
Pilot: Were turning final runway 14 and there is an airplane sitting sideways on the runway.
ATC: I told you were cleared to land 14!
Pilot: DAR TOWER! There is an airplane broke down on the runway and were 2 miles FINAL!
ATC: Continue Circling there is a VIP about to taxi.
Pilot:TABANAK! You are a terrible controller.
In a voice over the radio, "PEW PEW PEW!" And Monkey "OOO OHH HA HA HAH!"
ATC: Your cleared right base 14,
Pilot:There is traffic on the runway, will it be clearing soon?
ATC: Cleared to land 14
Pilot: Were turning final runway 14 and there is an airplane sitting sideways on the runway.
ATC: I told you were cleared to land 14!
Pilot: DAR TOWER! There is an airplane broke down on the runway and were 2 miles FINAL!
ATC: Continue Circling there is a VIP about to taxi.
Pilot:TABANAK! You are a terrible controller.
In a voice over the radio, "PEW PEW PEW!" And Monkey "OOO OHH HA HA HAH!"
Join Date: Jan 2004
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Last week SAX in Lubumbashi was having probs understanding there taxi instructions for parking. This really upset the tower. They where then instructed to "hold position and expedite". Not to sure what they did but the French fellow next to me just exploded. Gave me something to smile about.
Great thread. Keep it up.
Great thread. Keep it up.
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Licences
You are in Efrica when you can buy the ATP exam paper and answers and blame the colonialists for the fact that they made it so difficult that you have to do it?
HF
HF
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Talking of Lubumbashi...
Inbound from Kisenge in a B200... ie: from the west: logically (wind considerations etc) would try to land 07.. "
TWR: You must land Runway 25
us: errr... any chance of 07... what's the wind ?
TWR: No wind ... land runway 25
us: OK landing runway 25
TWR ... Can you land short ?
( if I remember Lub has about 7000ft )
us: errr.. yes but why...
TWR: you must land short.
On arrival for the downwind we see a DC8 and its various detached pieces scattered liberally along the runway.
Inbound from Kisenge in a B200... ie: from the west: logically (wind considerations etc) would try to land 07.. "
TWR: You must land Runway 25
us: errr... any chance of 07... what's the wind ?
TWR: No wind ... land runway 25
us: OK landing runway 25
TWR ... Can you land short ?
( if I remember Lub has about 7000ft )
us: errr.. yes but why...
TWR: you must land short.
On arrival for the downwind we see a DC8 and its various detached pieces scattered liberally along the runway.
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i've flown a SA MINISTER on a charter in a King Air once... the BE20 didnt have a toilet, so when she couldnt hold her pee in any longer (after being told to go before take off) she proceeded to do her business IN THE BAR BOX!!!!!!!!!!!!!!... Brings new meaning to "getting pissed on booze"
Join Date: Mar 2006
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I've been reading this thread, and tears have been flowing the entire time
Funny thing is, I wanted to start just such a thread. Thanks Mobotu.
Mods, any chance we can have it pinned to the top of the forum, sort of like the ATC humour thread?
Funny thing is, I wanted to start just such a thread. Thanks Mobotu.
Mods, any chance we can have it pinned to the top of the forum, sort of like the ATC humour thread?
