The dead airline sketch (courtesy of J Cleese et al)
A government representative (GR) enters an Airline's HQ...
GR: 'Ello, I wish to register a complaint.
(The CEO does not respond.)
GR: 'Ello, Miss?
CEO: What do you mean "miss"?
GR: I'm sorry, I have a cold. I wish to make a complaint!
CEO: We're closin' for lunch.
GR: Never mind that, my lad. I wish to complain about this airline what I purchased not half an hour ago from this very large pink building.
CEO: Oh yes, the, uh, the Golden Falcon...What's,uh...What's wrong with it?
GR: I'll tell you what's wrong with it, my lad. 'E's dead, that's what's wrong with it!
CEO: No, no, 'e's uh,...he's resting.
GR: Look, matey, I know a dead airline when I see one, and I'm looking at one right now.
CEO: No no he's not dead, he's, he's restin'! Remarkable bird, the Golden Falcon, isn't it, ay? Beautiful plumage!
GR: The plumage don't enter into it. It's stone dead.
CEO: Nononono, no, no! 'E's resting!
GR: All right then, if he's restin', I'll wake him up!
(shouting at the cage)
'Ello, Mister Golden Falcon! I've got a lovely big cheque for you if you show...(CEO hits it with the new 787 brochure)
CEO: There, he moved!
GR: No, he didn't, that was you hitting it!
CEO: I never!!
GR: Yes, you did!
CEO: I never, never did anything...
GR: (yelling and hitting the Golden Falcon repeatedly) 'ELLO POLLY!!!!!
Testing! Testing! Testing! Testing! This is your nine o'clock alarm call!
(Takes Falcon out of the cage and thumps its head on the desk. Throws it up in the air and watches it plummet to the floor.)
GR: Now that's what I call a dead falcon.
CEO: No, no.....No, 'e's contemplating restructuring!
GR: Contempating Restruc...?!?
CEO: Yeah! You stunned him, just as he was contemplating! Golden Falcons contemplate restructuring regularly.
GR: Um...now look...now look, mate, I've definitely 'ad enough of this. That falcon is definitely deceased, and when I purchased it not 'alf an hour ago, you assured me that its total lack of movement was due to it bein' tired and shagged out following the success of them other birds in the shop.
CEO: Well, he's...he's, ah...probably pining for the good times, when he was the only one in the shop.
GR: PININ' for the GOOD TIMES?!?!?!? What kind of talk is that?, look, why did he fall flat on his back the moment I got 'im home?
CEO: The Golden Falcon prefers kippin' on it's back! Remarkable bird, id'nit, squire? Lovely plumage!
GR: Look, I took the liberty of examining that Falcon when I got it home, and I discovered the only reason that it had been sitting on its perch in the first place was that it had been full of HOT AIR .
(pause)
CEO: Well, o'course it was full of hot air! If I'd done something constructive with it, it would have nuzzled up to those bars, bent 'em apart with its beak, and VOOM! Success!
GR: "VOOM"?!? Mate, this bird wouldn't "voom" if you put four million volts through it! 'E's bleedin' demised!
CEO: No no! 'E's contemplating what to do next!
GR: 'E's not contemplatin'! 'E's passed on! This Falcon is no more! He has ceased to be! 'E's expired and gone to meet 'is maker!
'E's a stiff! Bereft of life, 'e rests in peace! If you hadn't filled 'im with 'ot air 'e'd be pushing up the daisies!
'Is metabolic processes are now 'istory! 'E's off the twig!
'E's kicked the bucket, 'e's shuffled off 'is mortal coil, run down the curtain and joined Ansett and BMI!!
THIS IS AN EX-FALCON!!
(pause)
CEO: Well, I'd better replace him, then.
(he takes a quick peek behind his desk)
CEO: Sorry squire, I've had a look ' around, and uh, we're right out of Falcons.
GR: I see. I see, I get the picture.
CEO: I got a really really small bird, sparrow like.
(pause)
GR: (sweet as sugar) Pray, does it offer a good return on my investment?
CEO: Nnnnnnot really.
GR: WELL IT'S HARDLY A BLOODY REPLACEMENT, IS IT?!!???!!?
CEO: Look, if you go to my predecessor's HQ in Abu Dhabi, he'll replace the Falcon for you.
GR: Abu Dhabi, eh? Very well.
The Government Representative leaves.
The Government Representative enters the same HQ. The CEO is putting on a false moustache.
GR: This is Abu Dhabi, is it?
CEO: (with a fake mustache) No, it's Ipswich.
GR: (looking at the camera) That's bloody commercial for you..
The Government Representative goes to the commercial department .
He addresses a man standing behind a desk marked "Vice-President".
GR: I wish to complain.
VP: I DON'T HAVE TO DO THIS JOB, YOU KNOW!!!
GR: I beg your pardon...?
VP: I'm qualified for nothing! I only do this job because I like the perks!
GR: Excuse me, this is irrelevant, isn't it?
VP: Yeah, well it's not easy to pad these reports out to 200 lines, you know.
GR: Well, I wish to complain. I got on the Abu Dhabi flight and found myself deposited here in Ipswich.
VP: No, this is Abu Dhabi.
GR: (to the camera) The CEO's predecessor was lying!!
VP: Can't blame me for that.
GR: In that case, I shall return to the HQ!
He does.
GR: I understand this IS Abu Dhabi.
CEO: (still with the fake mustache) Yes?
GR: You told me it was Ipswich!
CEO: ...It was a pun.
GR: (pause) A PUN?!?
CEO: No, no...not a pun...What's that thing that spells the same backwards as forwards?
GR: (Long pause) A palindrome...?
CEO: Yeah, that's it!
GR: It's not a palindrome! The palindrome of "Abu Dhabi" would be "Ibahd Uba"!! It don't work!!
CEO: Well, what do you want?
GR: I'm not prepared to pursue my line of inquiry any longer as I think this is getting too silly!
Sergeant-Major: Quite agree, quite agree, too silly, far too silly...