The Man Who Never Was Series 6, Episode 27
Bloodnok: Take a bus to the House of Commons, that's the finest political asylum in the world! Ooohh, yes! They've got 'em all there you know.
Seagoon: He sat right where you're sitting, now. In that very spot. He was frightened of the enemy, too. Dead scared. He put a thousand pounds of gold in his kit bag, booked a fast plane to Dublin, and had a submarine laid on to take him to South America. Poor fool, heh heh. He thought he'd got away with it. You know what happened to him, don't you?
Bloodnok: Ehm, what?
Seagoon: He got away with it! [pause] Bloodnok! None of that Plan B packing lark. And stop packing your kit! Put that gold back in my tooth!
Seagoon: Commander, who would be idiot enough to be dressed up as a German Admiral, and thrown overboard from a submarine?
Lew: Don't worry! Don't worry, I have, in this box here, an idiot who's been specially drowned for the job. Leslie, take the lid off.
Leslie: Yes, I'll take it off... FX: [wooden box being prized apart type noise, and something lumpy falling out]
Lew: There you are gentlemen, meet the man who never was!
Eccles: 'Aaaallo!
Seagoon: Wait a minute! Wait a minute, this man is damp.
Lew: 'Course he's damp. We damped him down for the night, I told you! He's the only Field Marshal with a private's batten in his knapsack.
Seagoon: But can we spare a Field Marshall?
Lew: This Field Marshall don't count!
Seagoon: He doesn't count?
Lew: No! He don't read or write either! That's why he's working at the Romford this week. He might get out with a bit of luck, I dunno.
Seagoon: But we can't float him ashore, he's not dead!
Eccles: Wanna bet?
And that folks, was the Goon Show. And yes, it's all bollocks.
