Gleaned over the last 30 years:
A BOAC 707 was attempting to operate the first direct flight from Heathrow to Singapore. Hanging in the sky at FL430 over India, the Captain spots a Pan Am 707 below him at FL290. He can't resist it.
BOAC 707: "Hello Clipper, what are you doing down there?"
Pan Am 707: "600 knots."
BA a/c: "I say London, a Caledonian 1-11's just shot under my nose."
London: "Thanks very much, I was looking for him."
ATC: "Clipper 123, what's the turbulence like at your level?"
123: "Well ... how shall I put it? The Captain's just stuck his fork up his nose."
ATC: "TWA 789, what's the turbulence like at your level?"
TWA: "I don't know, we haven't eaten yet."
BA: "Shannon, what's the weather like this morning?"
Shannon: "Ah, it's a lovely day. If the earth was flat you could see right round it."
BA: "Bangbird, this is Speedcock....."
Lady controller to American who's just fouled up his taxi clearance: "ABC, you've just completely messed up your clearance. Stay where you are and don't move until I get this situation sorted out. You've held up all the aircraft on this field. I don't know how I'm going to get this cleared up. The delays could run into hours. JUST HOLD YOUR POSITION!!!"
ABC: ".... silence ...."
LC: "ABC, DID YOU COPY?"
ABC: "Sorry ma'am, but you sound just like my wife, and when she starts talking, I stop listening."
Aer Lingus inbound to Frankfurt, where they land on parrallel runways served by a single ILS. You don't know which runway you're going to land on until the last minute - not that our heroes know this ....
AL: "Frankfurt approach, Shamrock XYZ descending to FL50. Can you tell me the runway in use, please?"
FFM: "Shamrock XYZ turn left heading 100, descend FL40"
AL: "Turn left heading 100, descend FL40. Can you tell me the runway in use, please?"
FFM: "Shamrock XYZ continue descent 3,000ft, QNH1024. Maintain heading 100, reduce speed 180kts."
AL: "Roger, continue descent 3,000ft, QNH1024. Maintain heading 100, reduce speed 180kts. Can you tell me the runway in use, please?"
FFM: "Shamrock XYZ turn right heading 150, maintain speed 180kts, continue descent 2,500ft."
AL: "Roger, turn right heading 150, maintain speed 180kts, continue descent 2,500ft."
AL: "Frankfurt, Shamrock XYZ. Can you tell me the runway in use, please?"
FFM (really fed up): "I CANNOT TELL YOU THAT."
AL: "Roger, ........................... is there anything else important you're not going to tell me?"
And finally, today in Bristol.
Turboprop: "Is that Airbus a heavy?"
ATC: "He's a medium."
Airbus: "I knew you were going to say that."