Just to lighten the mood and in response to the name of the thread. The following is the content of the last thread on the same subject. Apologises to the authors of the individual responses for the removal of their names and details - edited for length.. .. .How many Blunties does it take to replace a light bulb? …......... .. .One ACM to notice it's dark, and tell the AM;. .. .One AM to request the AVM commission a study into the reason why it has gone dark;. .. .One AVM to instruct the Gp Capt to make sure that the results of the study match what the ACM suggested in the first place;. .. .One Gp Capt to tell the Wg Cdr to initiate project 'Bulb Replace';. .. .One Wg Cdr to have a multi-disciplinary force of Sqn Ldrs drafted in to study the tenders received to fulfil project 'Bulb Replace';. .. .Three Sqn Ldrs to vet the tenders and compare with the 'in house' study for project 'Bulb Replace';. .. .OC DSF to instruct Tech Stores to issue materiel for project 'Bulb Replace';. .. .SNCO IC Tech Stores to tell an SAC to initiate project 'Bulb Replace';. .. .One Gp Capt, 2 Wg Cdrs and 4 Sqn Ldrs to conduct the inquiry into why project 'Bulb Replace' overran time and budget to the extent that the ACM did it himself 2 days after noticing it was dark. . .. .--------------------------------------------------------------------------------. .Then took early retirement and went to become Senior Defence Adviser to British Defence Illumination, a wholly-owned subsidiary of BWoS!! . .. .--------------------------------------------------------------------------------. ....whose bulb would not in fact work, but would be marketed as fully NVG compatible. . .--------------------------------------------------------------------------------. .. .A few weeks later, British Defence Illumination reveals that the coiled filaments in current MoD lightbulbs can possibly pick up classified conversations in offices; however, they have a bulb with integral filtering which will eliminate potential eavesdropping. The BritDefIll Senior Defence Advisor has lunch with his chums in Security and Procurement; hey presto, all military lightbulbs must in future contain voice filters and a contract for exclusive supply is placed with British Defence Illumination. Knighthoods all round follow!! . . . .--------------------------------------------------------------------------------. .Stop.. .Has illumination sphere, one of, been tested to +/- 30g? You see, you can't just put any sort of device into the receptacle. . . . .--------------------------------------------------------------------------------. .MOD PRESS RELEASE. .. .NEW BULB TO LIGHT THE WAY FOR FORCES INTO 21ST CENTURY. .. .Early concerns about the new EuroBulb’s suitability for military operations have been allayed following a series of tests by DERA. The Eurobulb has been put through an intensive three year cycle of tests and passed the "g" rating test with flying colours. Unfortunately, Health and Safety studies have revealed that under certain conditions the "bulb" can shatter. There have, therefore, been several slight changes to the unit's construction the main one being that the glass has been replaced with a titanium. Despite not conducting light as well as glass, titanium is bullet-proof and easier to paint (green being the preferred colour for field ops). The fact that the unit no longer gives off any light is seen as a small compromise given that the unit now costs a lot more and looks a lot more military.. .As this is a European project, with UK companies tendering for the glass section, the change to titanium will be welcomed by UK industry as this will put the price up considerably.. .Once the titanium sections are completed they will be flown (by outsize Airbus transport aircraft) to Southern France where the metal end cap will be fitted. There has been some debate over screw or bayonet fittings but a compromise was reached with a totally new fitment being developed. Whilst this will mean changing all the light fittings in UK military buildings this cost will be outweighed by the many new benefits the new "Eurobulb" will bring.. .A working group has recently formed with a view to providing the Eurobulb with an in-service name. Currently the name "Stuka" is favourite as this would seem to offend the Germans the least and the French the most.. .It is anticipated that the new Eurobulb will enter service with the UK military in late 2008. . .--------------------------------------------------------------------------------. .. .FUNDING CRISIS HITS MOD'S EUROBULB. .The Minister of State for the Armed Forces, John Spellar MP announced today that the much delayed Eurobulb would be funded by a Public Private Partnership with the Al Fayed - Hindooja International Credit and Commerce Bank.. .. .Mr Spellar bored the pants off an audience at the Dagenham International Defence Lighting Show yesterday morning. He said:. .. ."An integral feature of our new approach to procurement is the use of Public Private Partnerships without taking a dogmatic approach. In Defence, we have identified three main PPP elements in addition to PFI. . .. ."First, outsourcing. The Competing for Quality initiative of the 1990s encompassed 160 areas of business, costing some £1.5 billion annually. About half of that business was outsourced. And, after all, we don't have to buy them uniforms and Servicemen and women are such an outdated concept.. .. ."The remainder was kept in-house, governed by Service Level Agreements. Under the Public Service Agreement, all of this business needs to be re-examined; and of course many of the original contracts are due to expire in the next year or two. It will not be acceptable automatically to roll over existing arrangements. . .. ."The Department must take a fresh look to see whether we can do better, perhaps by combining activities across business areas, thus delivering economies of scale. There is a lot to play for here - both for the private sector and for MOD's own workforce. But let me stress, outsourcing cannot be a substitute for good management, and that is why we have been working hard with our Trades Unions and Staff Associations to engender a culture of continuous improvement in MOD. . .. ."Secondly, strategic partnership between MOD and industry. MOD now recognises that, since long term relationships with certain suppliers are inevitable (especially in equipment support), these should be conducted in a co-operative manner wherever possible. Taut contracting and public accountability remain essential. But we must develop real relationships to deliver mutually beneficial outcomes. The Defence Procurement Agency and the Defence Logistic Organisation will be at the forefront of our efforts to transform our relations in the support area. . .. ."Thirdly, we must make better use of our irreducible spare capacity as encouraged to do so by the Government's policy of "Selling into Wider Markets". Where our own defence needs require us to maintain personnel, equipment or estate which is not utilised fully day to day in the nature of our business, we can and should generate additional income for the defence budget - normally with help from a marketing partner. . .. ."Let me now turn to PFI itself. Upon assuming lead Ministerial responsibility for PPP last summer, I re-endorsed the Department's approach to PFI, which is that, before the taxpayer's money can be invested in substantial new capital projects, PFI must be shown to be inappropriate, unworkable or uneconomic. As will be obvious from the scale of MOD's PFI programme - 28 signed deals, which have injected about £1 billion of private investment into defence, and some 80 other deals in train - we believe PFI to be a very important element of our business investment strategy. . .. ."Our approach is pragmatic. We do not intend to waste valuable resources - in Government or let me stress in the private sector - in pursuing PFI in every area for its own sake. We should be able to decide upon our best procurement strategy in-house, and perhaps by using advisers to help sound the market. Where PFI makes sense, we employ it. Where it is not the answer, we adopt alternative approaches - Passports anyone?". .. .14 members of the audience were rushed to hospital suffering from terminal boredom. The MOD's High 'G' Tungsten Top-Security Eurobulb is now expected to enter service in 2019.. .--------------------------------------------------------------------------------. .. .I note with horror that there has been no mention of independent no-brake power supplies. This equipment is far too valuable to the defence of our realm to be reliant upon the national grid. Sorry boffins back to the drawing board and design a self-contained power source. Let not cost, size and original specification hinder your process.. .Finally, the name must be more in keeping with today's military caring and sharing ways. Stuka is a far too bold and manly word. Suggestions please.. .--------------------------------------------------------------------------------. .. .Unfortunately, what no-one yet realises, is that as part of JAR harmonisation the CAA issued a Eurobulb compliance notice (AIC 345A/93 and Airworthiness notice #00123) in February 1995. . .It now transpires that the rest of the aviation community has been geared up to meet the compliance deadline of 01/01/01 for some time now.. .. .Apparently DERA has known of the Eurobulb for a while now but would you believe it just plum forgot about it. Anyway, the upshot is is that all RAF aircraft not fitted with the Eurobulb are deemed non-compliant and therefore are cleared for day VFR flights only with immediate effect.. .. .--------------------------------------------------------------------------------. .TORIES ATTACK EUROBULB. .. .The Shadow Defence Secretary, former Capt Iain Dunkin Doughnut-Smith today launched an attack on Labour's proposed high-tech Eurobulb. . .. .The Eurobulb is the strongest, most secure light bulb in the world. The £6 Million PFI funded project has been beset by technical difficulties and funding problems. Mr Mandelson, the Minister without Portfolio, is currently heading a focus group aimed at getting the green tungsten carbide bulb to emit some light.. .. .Mr Duncan Smith said: . .. ."This is ludicrous. Churchill won the second world war with a 40W Mazda bulb from Woolworth's and Wellington beat Napoleon by candlelight.. .. .He added: "The Eurobulb is an extravagance. We can buy the tougher tried and tested Depleted Uranium bulb off the shelf from America for £3.6 Million.". .. ."This is a direct result of opening up the front line to gays and women - the first thing they did was a makeover on the MOD main building at a cost of £685 Million. No, standard bulbs weren't good enough for them - the women filled the place with halogen uplighters to create 'ambience'. The gays now want to create a 'Millennial Macho Military Chic' by plunging the building into darkness and buying night vision goggles.". .. ."I look good in green" commented Air Marshal Sir Laurence Llewellyn-Bowen.. .. .The CGS, General Sir "Charlie" Dimmock, appearing in The Sun, said: "Phwoarr, Who needs light bulbs when you've got a pair like these? ... Come in Radio Moscow .... ... Come in Radio Moscow ....". .. .Mr Dunkin Smith is a non-executive director of Lockheed Dubya-Martin Nuclear Defence Illumination Inc, was bullied at school and was regularly beaten by his nanny. . . . .--------------------------------------------------------------------------------. .. .I feel I need to comment on/clarify several issues.. .. .The matter of the self contained power source is also being addressed in concert with the Eurobulb project. As you may remember the initial requirement for the “bulb” came about following the discovery by Senior Staffs that their room had become dark. The rapid progress of what became known as the Eurobulb Project has amazed many and it is expected that the bulb in the Senior Officer’s Office will be replaced as early as 2009. This 8 year timescale in development, evaluation and implementation is unheard of in military procurement circles and can be held up as a shining example of this Government’s commitment to Smart Procurement and it’s desire to provide the very best our Armed Forces has to offer to British Industry.. .The self contained power source issue is seen as a longer term, but nonetheless vital, offshoot from the Eurobulb Project. Technological advances in the field of power storage mean that the possibility of a man-portable light source is not far off. Studies by DERA and staffs at Aldermaston suggest that an illumination unit could be contained in a unit no larger than a two car batteries taped together. Obviously development of something like this will take time and will be expensive but it is felt that the costs incurred will be outweighed by the benefits of the new device. It is expected that the device will only require 2 men to carry and operate, making it ideal for Special Forces and other Covert Operations.. .. .Concerns have been raised about the naming of the Eurobulb. The name “Stuka”, whilst being acceptable to our German colleagues, has caused some consternation amongst certain sections of society and as such plans are underway to hold an enquiry into the naming of the bulb by the working group formed by the initial procurement committee. The enquiry is expected to report it’s findings to the 2nd Parliamentary sub-committee on Ethics and Naming no later than September 2007. Public comment may then be made, by telegram, to the appropriate office no later than 8:00am on the morning the report is published (at 9:30am).. .. .Finally, the issue of Airworthiness Compliance for the Eurobulb was raised early on in the development of the bulb but the steering group felt that if it was ignored then the problem might go away. Initial studies have suggested that ignoring the problem has not forced it to go away and have led to the formation of a sub-steering group to look into and report on the issue of airworthiness. At the same time a further ancillary secondary sub-steering group will be looking into why ignoring the problem didn’t make it go away. Both groups are expected are expected to report at some uncertain date in the distant future by which stage MoD Excuse 14(b) will have come into play (to quote from the MoD Manual of Excuses: 14(b) “You’ve gotten by this long on the old kit so why do you need new stuff” .. .. .I hope this clarifies any uncertainties over what is undoubtedly an exciting “bit of kit” (as our boys at the front would say!).. . . .--------------------------------------------------------------------------------. .. .Memorandum. .To: ACM Sir Roger Gurlsalott. .From: Air Cdre T Boye. .Subject: Project 'Bulb Replace'. .. .Sir, you have asked why I was not in the planning loop for project 'Bulb Replace', and enquire as to whther the project would have been completed more quickly if I had.. .. .It was regretted that AVM Pasthebuk gave the responsibility to the project directly to his Gp Capt. However, I was undertaking my primary duties at the time, which take precedence over managing projects, my secondary duty. You may recall that there was a high level meeting of the RAF Board; they obviously needed their teas co-ordinating which is what I was engaged in.. .. .On another related matter, I share your concern over the security implications of naming a project or operation in a way that the aim of the project could easily be deduced by non-authorized personnel. You rightly point out that this policy dates back to the decision to rename Operation 'Kill lots of Iraqis' to 'Granby'. Therefore, I have initiated a post-project review and, henceforth, project 'Bulb Replace' is now to be known as 'Antediluvian Response Mechanism'. Hopefully this should throw anyone off the scent.. .. .Finally, I note with interest your comments on the requirement for a titanium bulb. You are, of course, correct in your thinking that this is totally unnecessary and so I have initiated a post-project review board to look at alternative metals.. . . .--------------------------------------------------------------------------------. .. .I've heard a rumour that Richard Branson has submitted a last minute proposal to produce a westernised and updated former Soviet Union bulb. Apparently it will be cheaper and more efficient than the Eurobulb. He has suggested that it will be able to be produced under licence in the UK. Could this be the end of the much maligned Eurobulb? . .--------------------------------------------------------------------------------. .. .All this Eurobulb talk is just politics. Don't you know our 'special status' allows us access to the latest Joint Shining Filament technology? Forget Europe, BWoS is already a partner in the JSF programme and we'll be buying it in two versions: screw-in for the AF and bayonet for the Marines. . .--------------------------------------------------------------------------------. .. ."EUROBULB TO BE CANCELLED". .. .by Euro 'can't-put-a-cannon-in-a-fighter' team!!. .Reports received today at Reuters suggests that moves are afoot to cancel the over-budget "Eurobulb" project.. .. .Accountants have reported that the maintenance costs would not prove viable in the present climate of financial restraint.. .. .Use of the "Eurobulb" could indeed render the rest of MOD (building) useless as a replacement contract has been cut from the contract's costings "as an inefficient use of resources".. .. .Insiders have confirmed that the "Eurobulb" is not compatible with the multi-million pound MOD infrastructure upgrade, which suggests that the "Eurobulb" could join the "cannon-in-a-fighter" pile of foolhardy initiatives. . .. .--------------------------------------------------------------------------------. .From today’s Sunday Times:. .LACK OF FITTERS HITS EUROBULB ORDER by Mike Oxlong. .. .The RAF has been forced to delay its orders for the Eurobulb because of a shortage of skilled bulb fitters.. .. .The decision, seen as yet another blow for the beleaguered £40 billion project, also puts at risk many of the 6000 jobs at British Defence Illumination where the bulbs are being made. The RAF initially ordered 232 boxes of bulbs, worth £16 billion, to be delivered by 2014. However, an acute shortage of fitters capable of fitting the bulbs has led to orders being delayed. Last night the RAF admitted that it was short of 80 bulb fitters, but insisted that it still intended to take delivery of the bulbs.. .. .Sources close to the project claimed that only 150 boxes of the bulbs, built by a European consortium in four countries, will be in service by 2010, eight years after the first bulb is delivered. The order for the remaining 82 boxes will be put on hold; the bulbs will be made and delivered when the RAF requires them.. .. .One Eurobulb expert said “They haven’t got enough time to train all the bulb fitters they need before it comes into service.” The number of bulb fitters has slowly decreased in recent years. Official figures show that in 1996 there were 2,590 fitters in the RAF; latest numbers show that there are 2,175....2,174....2,173...., a fall of 16%. Many have gone to commercial bulb fitting outfits, which offer up to £100,000 a year for a skilled neon tube qualified fitter at British Light-Rays, or £55,000 for a newly qualified fitter with a budget company such as Easybulb. A top RAF fitter would get £50,000.. .. .An RAF spokesman said “There is a shortage, but we are in the process of reviewing the pay schemes in order to make them more competitive in comparison to commercial companies. We are planning the introduction of retention bonuses to stop the outflow of fitters.” However, recently announced retention bonuses have been met with incredulity and disbelief amongst currently serving bulb fitters. Discussion on an anonymous website forum dedicated to bulb fitters – BBulb – has been heated: “Every day I put my life on the line, climbing up really high ladders without a safety man, risking electocution and glass shard injuries just to fit bulbs where they are needed and look how they treat me?” said one contributor. Many other grievances among bulb fitters have also been aired on the website recently, such as coping with poorly maintained ladders, overstretch (at the top of ladders), and the seemingly excessive ratio of managers to bulb fitters.. . . .--------------------------------------------------------------------------------. .Mindful of the supply problems being faced by HMG, the ex-ACM Senior Defence Advisor to British Defence Illumination recently secured a take-over of an associated company, DU-r-Us after negotiating with the many-headed Director of the company during a pre-Farnborough lunching season.. ."I can categorically state that, if taken in small doses, Depleted Uranium has the positively beneficial side-effect of personal auto-illumination", he said at a recent press briefing carried out from behind a 12" lead shield. "In fact, this 'glow-in-the-dark' property may well render the Eurobulb superfluous, as our servicemen, women and things will be able to see quite adequately by their own luminosity.....". .. .At this point, however, the combination of a barely digested free-lunch and a control dose of DU had rather tragic results. Rather than pass wind in polite company, the ex-ACM's clenched sphincter compressed the DU to such an extent that an unstable radio-isotope was created; criticality quickly followed and for one brief and memorable instant the ex-ACM really did have sun shining out of his ar$e!! . .--------------------------------------------------------------------------------. .STOP PRESS..........GREECE TO BUY EUROBULB.. .from John Keegan Sunday Telegraph Defence Correspondent. . .. .In a statement today from GKN Vicbulbs R Us spokesgiraffe Geoffrey, it is believed that the Greek Army and Air Force are procuring Eurobulb. The AF/Army requirement is for 60 bulbs, however, due to the country being on the southern flank of NATO and also offering a mean kebab (including liver and halumi) that the German, more competitive financially attractive independent tender would be accepted over the consortia's offer. This was mainly due to the increased amount of natural daylight offered from the southern flank (or was that non executive director ex ACMs ar%e?). The German offer was also believed to include camouflage in a Leopard colour. It has been previously inaccurately reported that the German tender was offered in only the 40W configuration. Geoffrey said that he was leaving for Greece tomorrow to see Spiros the Greek and ask for a re-bid with extra chilli sauce mate. . .--------------------------------------------------------------------------------. .I note that under the original project specification of light bulbs by almirante6 it was a purely RAF tasking. It would seem that other Services are now getting in on the act. This clearly will turn a tightly controlled and short project of less than 10 years into a joint Service purple debacle.. .Can our Airships please step in and stop this small procurement programme becoming another multi-Service embarrassment.. .. .I might add that if we are going to use titanium or DU as the main material then putting a 40W filament in the middle would have no external illuminationary effect(IEI). Therefore, if we were to design out the filament it would have the following benefits:. .1. Reduced R and D costs.. .2. Reduced manufacturing costs.. .3. Reduced maintenance costs.. .4. Reduced running costs.. .5. Greater mean period between failure. . .--------------------------------------------------------------------------------. .. .As British military assistance to Sierra Leone continues to grow, it was reported yesterday that thousands of soldiers from the Sierra Leone Army had been trained in the new Eurobulb being provided to Sierra Leone as a part of UK support to this peace-loving and democratic country.. .The Commander of the British Illuminatory Training Team, Lt Col Roberta Guthrie-Winterton, who was recently awarded the OBE for services to photography and media relations, confirmed that over 3,286,000 Sierra Leonean soldiers had now been trained in the use of the Eurobulb.. .. ."This represents a valuable British contribution to the cause of peace and freedom in Sierra Leone," she said. "In particular, the training has concentrated on developing appropriate methodologies for the health and safety risk assessments necessary prior to removing the bulb from its packaging.". .. .Speaking from his sumptuous forward operational headquarters on the shores of Lake Geneva, General Horatius de'Ath, Commander-in-Chief of the Sierra Leonean Army, confirmed that payment for the millions of Eurobulbs supplied would be made in the form of blood diamonds to be delivered to Whitehall in a brown envelope.. .. ."One day", he said, "we may even have electricity." . .--------------------------------------------------------------------------------. .. .There was outrage yesterday when it was revealed that children in Sierra Leone as young as nine were being trained in the use of the Eurobulb. As the shocking news was uncovered, ministers leapt to the defence of the policy for issuing the Eurobulb to the Sierra Leone army. Commenting on the issue, Lt Col Roberta Guthrie-Winterton stated that 'it is our intention that only adults come into contact with the eurobulb. We are disturbed that children may be getting supplies, and are in urgent discussions with our counterparts in the Sierra Leone army to see what has gone wrong'.. .The news was attacked by the shadow defence minister, who said 'this is typical of the shortsightedness of the current Government. We are now faced with the spectre of young children getting electrocuted when plugging the bulbs into their sockets'. However, on further questioning by reporters, he conceded that, without any electricity in the country, the likelihood of someone getting electrocuted was small. 'It's the principle', he argued, 'and, besides, what about the dangers of choking?'.. .. .When challenged as to how a nine year old could swallow a Eurobulb, already 3 times larger and twice as heavy as it's civilian counterpart, the shadow minister suddenly found something else to do and left.. . . .--------------------------------------------------------------------------------. .NEWSFLASH NEWSFLASH NEWSFLASH NEWSFLASH. .. .Herr Helmut von Wurst, CEO of British Defence Illumination plc has just announced the forming of a new company within the Group.. .. .The new company, named EuroCeiling, will join the present group of companies on the Eurobulb project. . .. .Analysis by a team of scientists at DERA have carried out tests on numerous redundant HASs and HPSs to assess the strength of ceiling fixtures required to support the Eurobulb. So far over 70% of the test sites have suffered structural damage caused by mock-up Eurobulbs. Herr von Wurst was quoted as saying "diese prufen giebt nicht eine catostrophe". The MOD spokesman, Sqn Ldr P. Aperclip who sat alongside Herr von Wurst was unable to translate but said "these result are a major problem for the project". . .. .He went on to detail that the new company, EuroCeiling, has now been tasked to design new ceilings to support Eurobulb. Sqn Ldr Aperclip said "early indications show that internal support structures required for Eurobulb would halve the effective space of rooms fitted with Eurobulb. However, on the plus side this would also reduce the amount of lighting required.". .. .Sqn Ldr Aperclip is no stranger to major projects. As a Flt Lt he was responsible for the design and building of new Fire Sections within the RAF subsequently found to be too small to house the new MK10 fire tenders now introduced into the RAF. . .. .Sqn Ldr Aperclip is looking forward to his next tour, on promotion. As Head of the works service team responsible for the widening of taxiways, modifications to hangar doors and changes to the manoeuvring area at RAF Kinloss his past performance should bring a ray of hope to those personnel at the Scottish Unit dismayed at recent news of further delays to the MRA4 project.. . . .--------------------------------------------------------------------------------. .. .Eurobulb support contract marks major opportunity for monopolistic levels of profit for British Illuminate-a-Space. . .(No NO NO! That's not right. Make that, "marks a shining example of Smart Acquisition in practise".) . .In return for a paltry £3 Billion over the next five years, British Illuminate-a-Space Systems and Support's Bulb Bull Elephant Team will take all responsibility for the storage, distribution, issue, fitting, removal and disposal of all MoD bulbs. . .(Once all trained service personnel have vanished, we'll jack up the prices and have a stranglehold on the whole damned lot, from manufacture to manufacturing the replacement. ) . .--------------------------------------------------------------------------------. .. .FLASH FLASH FLASH. .. .Project cancelled, new element to requirement, EEC Directive 7756 of 1986 stated bayonet fittings to be replaced by screw by 2001.. .. . MOD warned but failed to react. . .. .Minister states project has revealed useful information so £3 billion not wasted. . .--------------------------------------------------------------------------------